REVIEW: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks

Marvo 35 Comments

Thank goodness for carnivals and circuses.

They give us the opportunity to consume foods we normal wouldn’t eat anywhere else, like cotton candy; something deep fried that shouldn’t have been, like a Snickers, Oreo or Twinkie; and you can eat funnel cake, which has a shape and look that makes it appear to be poop that got snowed on.

Carnivals also allow you to upchuck those foods, thanks to rides with names like “The Zipper,” “Gravitron,” “Twister,” “Tilt-A-Whirl” and the appropriately named, “Vomit Comet.”

Like beauty and the fame from being the first person booted off of a reality show, getting to enjoy carnival food is fleeting, unless you’re a carny or follow the carnival from town to town, sort of like an overweight Deadhead, except a carnival follower’s munchies aren’t caused by smoking weed.

Sure you could make your own funnel cake, but you know it won’t be as good as the stuff at the carnival, because you lack carny magic. If you’re hoping the new Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks are a good substitute for carnival funnel cake, think again…or think about growing a long beard, if you’re a woman, or working on your throwing accuracy with knives so that you can have your own tent to show off your freakish beard or pinpoint knife flinging.

The BK Funnel Cake Sticks come with nine pieces and a container of white icing dipping sauce. Each stick is 3.5 inches long, is covered in powdered sugar and has almost the same consistency as Burger King french fries — a slightly crunchy outside and soft inside.

The funnel cake sticks without the icing didn’t have much flavor, unless you count greasiness and my salty tears of disappointment. It didn’t remind me of funnel cake, instead it reminded me that I don’t really care for what Burger King produces in deep fried stick form, like their french fries and Chicken Fries.

Not even the container of icing helped make it sweeter and taste better because it just couldn’t subdue the greasiness. Adding more sugar might improve it. Or maybe casting some carny magic.

(Nutrition Facts – 9 sticks – 300 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 30 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 sticks
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Comes with 9 sticks. Crunchy outside, soft inside. No trans fat. Comes in a convenient box that hold the sticks and dipping icing. Carnival rides. Carny magic.
Cons: Really greasy flavor. Didn’t remind me of funnel cake. Icing didn’t help with the greasy flavor. The Vomit Comet. How quickly people forget the first person kicked off of a reality show. Fried Twinkie/Oreo/Snickers. Carnival rides after eating carnival food.

REVIEW: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast

Kayla 6 Comments

Even before you have your second round of Thanksgiving leftovers, the flavor of the season changes. Pumpkin makes a graceful exit and peppermint takes over. I’m a pumpkin fan, but how can you not like a flavor that’s able to mask the boozy smell of cheap vodka and settle your stomach after a tray of gingerbread cookies at the office holiday party (or “special” brownies if you’re employed by High Times).

The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast gets into the spirit of the season without having to fight off overweight moms at superstores trying to get the hottest toy of the season, or without having to sit on the lap of a questionable man in a Santa suit. The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast’s color scheme is like a traditional candy cane, however the candy on top of it, which gives it its “holiday personality,” aren’t crushed candy canes, they’re little pieces of Andes Peppermint Crunch.

Although it appears like this dessert isn’t packing a lot of crunchy pieces, it’s what’s inside that counts. Chock-full of candy pieces swirled around delicately flavored peppermint soft serve and whipped topping (I know that sounds like a line of bullshit fast food restaurants use to describe their subpar food, but the Holiday Mint Blast can be described in such a flowery manner), the Holiday Mint Blast is a great treat that tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

The “whipped topping” is a little bit too much; the first five spoonfuls are the just the topping and a few crunchy pieces. Even though looking like a candy cane can be festive, I wish they tossed some green in it. Put a dash of food coloring in the mix and BAM it oozes even more holiday spirit. But if you work at the High Times, I’m sure you can add your own green later.

The Sonic Holiday Blast is a deal at $2.99 for a regular, especially for those slightly skinny Santas out there who need to pack on the pounds quickly so they can fill out their red suits. Unfortunately, if it becomes a staple of their diet, they won’t be able to fit into their civilian clothes once the season is over.

(Nutrition Facts – Regular size – 695 calories, 28.7 grams of fat, 20.9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 62 milligrams of cholesterol, 187 milligrams of sodium, 102 grams of carbohydrates, 93 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, 7 grams of protein, 11% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast
Price: $2.99
Size: Regular
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Plenty of wonderful Andes Peppermint Crunch. Peppermint flavor doesn’t get sickening. Oozing holiday spirit. Regular is large enough for two servings.
Cons: Skinny Santas. Loaded with fat, cholesterol, trans fats etc. etc. Green color isn’t added to the mix. Getting work done at the magazine High Times.

REVIEW: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream

Marvo 9 Comments

I wish the company Lovin’ Scoopful would change its name to Spoon Lovin’ because I just want to lie down next to their Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream with my chest facing its curved back and then stick my spoon in it. I’ll keep thrusting my spoon into it and scooping out pleasure until I’m satisfied, or sick, creating a creamy mess on my bed.

Of course, changing its name to Spoon Lovin’ would cause immature bloggers everywhere to giggle and somehow tie in Spoon Lovin’ with spooning — the sexual position.

A tub of the Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is packed with churned light caramel ice cream, caramel-filled chocolate cups and fudge ribbons. The use of churned light ice cream allows it to contain half the fat of regular ice cream, but not taste like light ice cream, which usually tastes like it was made of milk from the udders of anorexic cows.

Speaking of cows and milk, the dairy used in this ice cream comes from bovine that haven’t been treated with rBST, otherwise known as recombinant bovine somatotropin, an artificial growth hormone used to increase milk production in dairy cattle. Some folks also call rBST, Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is frickin’ delicious. The caramel ice cream was creamy, although not a creamy as premium ice cream, and had a strong caramel flavor. When it’s combined with the chocolate cups and fudge ribbon, it creates a euphoric flavor that makes me want to dance with a dairy cow in the middle of a cocoa bean rainstorm.

I love the way the fudge ribbon melts in my mouth, creating a gooey sensation. If I were a male stripper, I’d pour a tank of that gooey fudge in a kiddie pool, dive in it and charge willing women $300 to lick it off of me…and then return their money because they choked on my body hair, which I would forget to shave off before diving into the fudge.

The Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream is not only damn good, it does some damn good. Twenty-five percent of Lovin’ Scoopful’s profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes.

That’s just another good reason for me to keep spooning this ice cream.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 160 calories, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Lovin’ Scoopful Caramel Chocolate Heaven Ice Cream
Price: $4.99
Size: 1.75 quarts
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Frickin’ delicious. I’d spoon it. 25% of profits go to help the Special Olympics and other causes. Half the fat of regular ice cream. Uses milk from cows that weren’t injected with an artificial growth hormone. Spooning.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Losing money because I forgot to shave body before jumping into fudge. Really Bad Shit from a Teat.

REVIEW: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

Marvo 17 Comments

Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal

I wonder if Chinese people are ashamed when they eat at Panda Express because it’s a bastardized version of real Chinese food. I know I would be if I ate at a Japanese fast food restaurant called Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

Whenever I walk into a Panda Express, I like to look at the faces of the Chinese people in the restaurant to see if they feel any shame. No, not the people working behind the counter and the gigantic woks because they shouldn’t feel shame since they have the power to mess with our food.

I look at the faces of the Chinese people who are ordering the Kung Pao Chicken, Beijing Beef and Orange Chicken to see if they grimace, close their eyes with disgust, or say under their breath “I’m sorry” to their dead ancestors who cooked real Chinese food. Unfortunately, I have yet to see shame from a Chinese person in a Panda Express. Perhaps they’re really good at hiding it when in public.

If you’re a Chinese person and enjoy Panda Express, but are ashamed when eating it, you can now have bastardized Chinese food that can be prepared in the comfort and privacy of your home with the Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal. You’ll still feel shame, except you probably won’t have to hide it, unless you have an elderly Chinese person living in your household.

The bagged Wanchai Ferry meal is made up of battered white meat chicken, pineapples, sugar snap peas, red peppers and jasmine rice in a sweet and sour sauce. I was hoping it would be easy to make, but preparing it is just like recovery from alcohol and drug addiction because there are a lot of steps. I’d list everything I needed to do before I was able to eat it, but if I did you would be cursing me after because during that same amount of time you could’ve easily driven to a Panda Express, picked up food and driven back. All I’m going to say is that it involves a lot of skillet work, microwaving a bag of rice and the ability to read.

The Sweet & Sour Chicken tasted like something I would wait in line at Panda Express for. The sweet and sour sauce was tasty, although a bit too thick. The vegetables and pineapples were limp, but I expected that since they were frozen, and they did provide a bit more flavor, especially the pineapples. The jasmine rice was cooked perfectly. As for the chicken, I hoped there would’ve been more and despite being pan fried to be heated, their breaded coating didn’t become crispy.

The Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Meal is meant for two, but I felt the serving sizes were a bit small. They were small enough that I feel ashamed of them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 package prepared – 590 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 850 milligrams of sodium, 87 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 38 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Wanchai Ferry Sweet & Sour Chicken Frozen Meal
Price: $6.99
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and sour sauce was tasty. No trans fats. Lots of vegetables and pineapples. Allows Chinese people, and everyone else, to prepare bastardized Chinese food in the privacy of their own home. Panda Express.
Cons: Chicken wasn’t crispy and there wasn’t a lot of it. Veggies and fruits were limp. Lots of step to prepare it. Took me longer than the 14 minutes the packaging said it would take me to prepare it. Contains no MSG, except that which naturally occurs in autolyzed yeast extract, which means it has MSG. The shame I would have from eating at Hello Kitty Fun Fun Chow Chow Time.

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice

Marvo 23 Comments

With the holiday season comes a plethora of holiday flavors. One of the most popular is pumpkin spice, which is not only a Starbucks Latte variety, available only this time of year, and a limited edition Bath & Body Works scent, it’s also a seasonal Silk Soymilk flavor.

I believe Pumpkin Spice was also the name of the fired sixth Spice Girl who had one mean muffin top and a penchant for spray-on tans.

Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice isn’t as tasty as the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and it doesn’t make me extremely horny like the scent of the Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion does, but it’s better tasting than Silk’s other holiday flavor — the mediocre Silk Soymilk Nog.

According to Silk, their Pumpkin Spice can be consumed either chilled or warm, but I like my soy milk the same way I like my interactions with ex-girlfriends — chilly. With a name like Pumpkin Spice, you might think it’s going to taste somewhat like pumpkin pie, but if you’re coming in with those expectations, you need make like a Match.com subscriber who hasn’t found any matches and lower your expectations.

The Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice has a pleasant pumpkin flavor with a hint of cinnamon, but it’s definitely not as pungent as a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and it doesn’t make you think you’re eating a pumpkin pie. Perhaps its most disappointing characteristic was its lack of creaminess. Although it contains carrageenan, which is known to be a thickening agent, it was as watery as skim milk. I was hoping it would be as rich and creamy as egg nog, but like most of Silk’s soy milk products, it had the same creaminess as the water coming out of the breasts of a statue on the Playboy Mansion grounds.

Overall, I did enjoy it, but I think it’s because I’m a regular soy milk drinker. If you normally drink moo milk, you might find the flavor and consistency of the soy milk a bit odd. Like all Silk Soymilk products, the Pumpkin Spice is dairy-free, cholesterol-free and lactose-free, so if you’re looking for a healthier egg nog replacement, and you don’t mind soy milk and the fact that soy milk really isn’t milk, then the Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice might be something you should try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 170 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 4% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Pumpkin Spice
Price: $2.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant pumpkin flavor. Better tasting than Silk Nog. Cholesterol-free. Lactose-free. Low in saturated fat. Decent source of soy proteins. The way the scent of the Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion makes me feel down there. Statues that shoot water out of naughty parts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like pumpkin pie. Non-soy milk drinkers might not enjoy it. 24 grams of sugar per cup. Consistency was thin, like all Silk products. Having to lower your expectations on online dating sites.