ANNOUCEMENT: Promax Bar Prize Drawing Winners!!!

Marvo

Here are the lucky winners of the boxes of Promax Cookies & Cream protein bars, along with what they would like more of:

Comment #4 Heather M.

“I want to be able to move things with only my MIND.”

Comment #53 Aaron

“Licorice ice cream. Why can’t I ever find licorice ice cream?”

Comment #88 Eric

“I need new drumsticks!!!”

Comment #113 scaryice

“I want more new and interesting products to fill the void in our lives.”

Comment #130 Jacob LaFountaine

“I want a liposuction machine that is small enough so I can do a little sculpting after a big meal.”

Thanks to the folks at Promax for providing the boxes of Promax Protein Bars. Also, mahalo to everyone who entered this prize drawing.

REVIEW: Braun bodycruZer

Marvo 24 Comments

Sometimes I dream of being able to take off my shirt in public and jog shirtless, just like male athletes, overweight men without shame and douchebags. But, unfortunately, my torso has the unsightly body issue trifecta, which consists of pale skin that reflects sunlight, a gut that jiggles like Jello and makes you wonder if Jim stuck Dwight’s stapler in it and enough hair to make people break out their cameras and take pictures of my physique so that they can sell them to the National Enquirer as Sasquatch photos.

Sure, I can pet myself and imagine a dog or cat is resting on my chest, but in this tropical environment, all that hair makes these summer months seem a little bit warmer. Thankfully, I have the Braun bodycruZer to help me with my body hair because I want a chest that’s as smooth as a douchebag’s.

The Braun bodycruZer is a electric manscaper, able to knock down any forest on a man’s body, whether they be in the northern hemisphere, like your chest, or in the southern hemisphere, like your…um…dangling South America. It’s similar to another manscaping utility — the Norelco Bodygroom.

While both tools can be used in and out of the shower, have rechargeable batteries that lasts for 50 minutes and have a trimmer/razor combo, the bodycruZer is significantly less noisy, which really does make a difference because the loud buzzing sound the Bodygroom emits makes me somewhat scared to bring it near my dangling South America. Also, while the Bodygroom uses a foil electric razor, the bodycruZer incorporates the five bladed Gillette Fusion, which can be used alone or in combination with the trimmer, which also can be used by itself.

I think the replaceable Fusion blades gave me a closer shave on my chest, compared with the Bodygroom, but I was hesitant to bring them near my South America because I was afraid to cut off Buenos Aires. The blades worked fine when I chopped down my Panamanian rainforest, but I was scared to bring them lower south.

However, my South America didn’t mind the bodycruZer’s trimmer, which was very powerful and easily knocked down longer hairs. I felt more comfortable with the trimmer because its teeth are small and the gaps between them are short, which make them unlikely to snag skin. However, when it gets dull, you can’t just replace the trimmer part. Instead you have to replace the entire unit, unlike the Bodygroom, which uses trimmer cartridges.

Overall, I think the Braun bodycruZer does a good job of manscaping. I have the smooth chest of a douchebag and my South America is much like the real South America in that there has been lots of deforestation. However, if you’re diligent with your manscaping and all you deal with is stubble, you probably don’t need a bodycruZer. A regular men’s shaving razor will do just fine, unless you’re Manny Ramirez, and if that’s the case, you’ll need a women’s shaving razor. But if you like to let things grow, then the bodycruZer will get the job done fast.

Item: Braun bodycruZer
Price: FREE (retails for $60 – $70)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Received unit from Braun
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of manscaping. Uses Gillette Fusion shaving technology. Rechargeable battery. Less noisy than the Norelco Bodygroom. You can use the razor or trimmer by themselves, or you can use both of them at the same time. Small teeth in trimmer make them unlikely to snag my scrotum. Can be used in or out of the shower. My smooth chest. Deforestation of MY South America.
Cons: The messed up capitalization in its name. Gillette Fusion blades might not seem very safe on the scrotum. Trimmer is not replaceable. Pricey compared to the Bodygroom, which is almost half the price of bodycruZer. Manny Ramirez’s use of female hormones. Really hairy balls. Deforestation of South America.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas (Mango, Peach & Raspberry)

Marvo 26 Comments

(Note: Please read this letter with a Southern accent.)

To My Dearest Jacqueline D. Box,

It has been a long time since I had an opportunity to write to you as I have been occupied by the hassles of our country’s Civil War. I feel impelled to write a correspondence to you because I sense that death may soon be upon me and the thousands of men who fight alongside me. Your rain of letters bring sunshine to my days of fighting those from the North. I again apologize that I am not able to reciprocate an equal amount of correspondence. It is quite good to hear about every minuscule moment in your life and because I keep your extensive book-length letters near my heart, you have prevented the enemy’s ammunition from striking my body.

Oh, how my war-battered heart yearns for your warm embrace, tender kisses, ample bosom and your Jacqueline D. Box Flavored Iced Teas. The battlefield on a Southern summer day is like what I imagine the pits of fire and brimstone in hell feel like and when my throat is dry from all the yelling as we charge the Union soldiers, which I don’t really understand because it lets the enemy know where we are, all I desire is you and either your refreshing mango, raspberry or peach iced teas made with fresh-brewed tea.

Although, to be honest, since I may never gaze upon your round, joyful face again, I don’t really care for your mango flavored iced tea because it tastes like a sweet vegetable and not at all like the exotic tropical fruit of mango whose flavor makes my taste buds tingle with delight.

However your raspberry and peach flavored iced teas make my heart skip a beat and refreshes me like a plunge into the cooling waters of Old Harper’s Lake on a blistering summer’s day. I don’t know how you are able to create such delightful refreshments. I could drink them both relentlessly until I burst at the seams. Both beverages have just the right amount of flavor, without being too sweet, giving them a satisfying balance of fruit and tea flavor. Just writing about it in this correspondence makes me desire it even more. Not even this cup of water from great Mississippi River can quench my thirst like your flavored iced teas can.

But alas, my love, I fear for the worst and may never sample your flavored iced tea ever again.

Jacqueline, if I do not return, do not think we shall not meet again. For if you feel warmth when you are cold or a cool breeze on a July afternoon, it shall be my spirit watching over you, protecting you and scaring away any possible suitors.

Your dearest,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 24 ounces – Mango – 83 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Raspberry – 78 calories, 0 grams of fat, 12 milligrams of sodium, 119 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. Peach – 82 calories, 0 grams of fat, 14 milligrams of sodium, 115 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Flavored Iced Teas
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10 (mango)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (peach)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (raspberry)
Pros: Peach and raspberry flavors were extremely refreshing. Made with fresh-brewed tea. Healthier alternative than most drinks available at Jack in the Box. Perfect balance of fruit and tea. Came in bigger cups than I thought.
Cons: The mango flavor disappointed because tastes like a sweet vegetable. Doesn’t come in a variety of colors like their promotional pictures. The syrup the use might settle to the bottom, so remember to stir before drinking. Not sure if the tea provides any health benefits.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze

Kayla 17 Comments

Where can you find an apartment, a vintage Megazord and possibly the love of your life, or just someone who can accompany you to a dance instead of a long distant relative with a killer overbite and the annoying personality combo of Marie Osmond and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? No, it’s not your local flea market, although I have heard of people scoping out sexy “honeyz” and “ballaz” as well as counterfeit designer bags by Preda, Zoach and Lou E. ViTon (I think that’s the name of the guy who owns the hoagie shop by my apartment). If you’re looking for love or something else, look no further than everyone’s semi-slutty friend, the Internet, at a little known place called Craigslist.

Craigslist provides hours and hours of comedy when I am trying to accomplish work that includes coming up with new double entendres, or perfecting the “That’s what (insert pronoun here) said” routine. The best part of Craigslist is the personal ads. You won’t find 1,000 dimensions of connectivity that can help you find the person who enjoys long walks on a nude beach as well as Bukovinian Dance. Instead, you’ll find people that cut to the chase and just tell you what they want (what they really, really want) by simple, sometimes abbreviated phrases like: BIG DIK WNTD 4 GDTIME.

The Taco Bell Pina Colada Frutista Freeze is the offspring of two beloved food items that found each other via Craigslist, the Metro, or a VH1 reality show. You have the older-than-it-looks Slushie (or in Taco Bell’s case, the “Freeze” portion of the Frutista Freeze), who, let’s be honest here, has been around the block with everyone from Coke to Pepsi, and even had a bi-curious rendezvous with Punchy, the Hawaiian Punch dude. Then there’s the sexy, oh so sweet and juicy pineapple (aka the golden fruit of lusciousness). Delicious and nutritious on its own, yet it seems to me that this fruit is always teaming up with something not so healthy, like sugary syrup or cake that is served upside down. This latest marriage is no exception.

Now, I must admit, I do like pina coladas, but I absolutely fucking hate getting caught in the rain, and I won’t even attempt to try a Feathered Peacock Pose. That being said, I was looking forward to the Pina Colada Frutista Freeze. The first sip didn’t whisk me away to some paradise where I would ride a white stallion on the beach; instead it brought me back to when I would order virgin versions of the beverage on Caribbean cruises with my folks. I haven’t consumed a pina colada (both virgin and whore) in quite sometime, but Taco Bell’s version fulfilled my pina colada desires.

The slush part, which is a perfect combination of coconut and pineapple, could be great on its own. But when you throw pineapple cubes on top, it just elevates this icy beverage into something a little classy. Yes, I just called something produced by Taco Bell classy. The Frutista Freeze comes in one size, which absolutely sucks because, just when you’re about to reach frozen beverage orgasm, it’s all gone. The only thing missing from Taco Bell’s Frutista Freeze (besides alcohol to all of us of legal age) is the little umbrella. And as everyone knows, that little umbrella means everything when sipping on a frozen pina colada.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Frutista Freeze – 230 calories, 0 grams of fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 48 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pina Colada Frutista Freeze
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Size: 479 grams
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sweet icy goodness. Real fruit. Making fun of people that try to find true love by sleazy means. Finding vintage 90’s toys. Fat free.
Cons: No umbrella. Getting caught in the rain. Only comes in one size. Marie Osmond.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles

Marvo 19 Comments

I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. Screw being a quasi-product review blogger editor. I want to be the one who comes up with new frozen waffle variations because it sounds like it’s the frickin’ easiest job in the world.

If I were in charge of developing new frozen waffle varieties, it would probably go something like this:

Frantic people will come running into my large corner office. They think consumers have grown tired of the dozens of other waffle varieties I’ve come up with, so they need me to come up with something new. As I sit in my big, comfy leather office chair, I’ll put my elbows on the armrests and bring my hands together in front of my face, forming a dome, with only my fingertips touching each other. I’ll close my eyes and pretend I’m in deep thought. While concentrating, I’ll slightly nod my head a few times and then follow that with slight shakes of my head. Then I’ll hum, “uh huh” and then inhale deeply, indicating that I’ve come up with greatness. I’ll raise my head while exhaling and opening my eyes. Then I’ll pan across the room filled with eager looks. I’ll pause for dramatic effect and then say in a confident tone, “Bacon. Filled. Waffles.”

People will yell, “brilliant.” Others will say, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Some of them will fall to their knees and cry because my ingenuity is at a level that they’ll never achieve, but they’re happy they were able to witness it first-hand. When the praise gets to be a little too much, I’ll just raise my hands, quietly shoo them away with hand gestures and once they leave my office, I’ll go back to admiring my own awesomeness in the mirror behind my desk until they need me again.

I think I need to make this happen soon because whoever came up with the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles needs to get replaced.

These strawberry-filled frozen waffles are noticeably thicker than regular Eggo Waffles, which means they could only fit six to a box, instead of the usual eight. The strawberry filling can easily be seen in the waffle if you put it in front of a light, like you’re a mailbox thief looking for checks. The filling isn’t spread out from edge to edge, instead it fills up about two-thirds of the circumference.

Unfortunately, just like a juiced up baseball player with bad hand-eye coordination, it maybe thicker, but it isn’t very good. Because it’s a Nutri-Grain product, it doesn’t taste like regular Eggo Waffles and is made with six grams of whole grain. The strawberry filling, made from real fruit, has little to no flavor. The only purpose it seems to have is to possibly burn my mouth when I bite into it. I was hoping the filling would have some flavor so that I wouldn’t need to dump enough sugarrific syrup on it to turn me into a one man mosh pit.

This mediocre frozen waffle wouldn’t have happen if I were the one who came up with new varieties. Never mind the Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles. It would be all about the Kellogg’s Hungry Man Bacon & Egg Filled Eggo Waffles and they would be so thick that there can only be four in a box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 waffle – 130 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain Strawberry Filled Eggo Waffles
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 6 waffles
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Syrup makes it better. Healthier than regular Eggo Waffles. Made with 6 grams of whole grains. 3 grams of dietary fiber. If I came up with frozen waffle varieties.
Cons: Strawberry filling has no flavor. Bland without syrup. Less waffles per box than regular Eggo waffles. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Being a douchebag by admiring my awesomeness in the mirror.