REVIEW: DiGiorno Tuscan Style Chicken Crispy Flatbread Pizza

Marvo 24 Comments

If you don’t skip past the commercials in your DVR recordings, you probably know DiGiorno’s (or if you’re Canadian, Delissio’s) slogan is, “It’s not delivery. It’s DiGiorno.”

I’ve had many DiGiorno frozen pizzas over the years and pizza from either Pizza Hut, Domino’s, Papa John’s and I’ll just throw in Little Caesars for the hell of it, and I’m pretty sure no one will confuse a DiGiorno pizza with one of those other restaurant pizzas. I’m sure with one look, most people can easily tell the difference.

Besides, why would they want to be confused with a delivery pizza because there are way too many negative connotations with being a delivery pizza.

For example, delivered pizzas have a tendency to be greasier than a Wall Street financial analyst and can provide enough oil to power a biofuel car. Do they really want stigma of being confused with delivery pizza and all the porn references that go along with it? Those references involve pizza being delivered by a strapping young lad to a house that contains either a sexy cougar, teen babysitter, sorority girls, horny housewife or, in certain European countries, sheep.

Not even the new DiGiorno Tuscan Style Chicken Crispy Flatbread Pizza could be confused with a pizza delivered by someone with an insulated pizza case.

This flatbread pizza is made with grilled white meat chicken, spinach, oven-roasted tomatoes, garlic and a creamy red sauce. It smells nice, but the pizza is 11 inches in diameter, which is kind of small. The flatbread turned out crispy, but thankfully not like a cracker. Its flavor is bland and it tastes like diet Cheez-Its, which is surprising because I’ve enjoyed all of the DiGiorno pizzas I’ve tried in the past. Also, it seems like there isn’t much sauce on the pizza. I guess the saying “pizza is like sex, because it’s never bad” isn’t true because eating this pizza is like having drunk sex with a sheep — you thought it would be fun at the time, but later you’ll regret it.

If that’s not considered bad, I don’t know what is.

The only positive item I found with the DiGiorno Tuscan Style Chicken Crispy Flatbread Pizza wasn’t the pizza itself, but the plastic wrapping around it, which is extremely easy to open. Just grab the tab and pull it apart. The folks who work on the plastic packaging at DiGiorno really need to focus their attention on women’s bras.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza – 14 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 14 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 25% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: DiGiorno Tuscan Style Chicken Crispy Flatbread Pizza
Price: $6.49 (on sale)
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Plastic wrapping is super easy to open. Flatbread was crispy. Pizza porn. DVRs. Being able to skip through commercials.
Cons: Bland tasting. It’s like a diet Cheez-Its. At 11 inches, it doesn’t seem too big. European sheep pizza porn. Unhooking bras in the dark. Drunk sheep sex.

NEWS: Method’s New Dilutable Cleaner Is Like A Mogwai Because It Multiplies When Water Is Added

Marvo 7 Comments

Gizmo was so cute in the movie Gremlins. Those big eyes made me want to pet him and his soft fur made me want to use him as a mop to clean my floors.

If I ever get the opportunity to clean my apartment with a mogwai, I might use Method’s new Dilutable Cleaner.

Although since I would be adding water to the super concentrated cleaner and the cleaner itself contains water, Gizmo would probably multiply and Mr. Wing would come to my door and tell me that I’m not ready to properly care for a mogwai.

The Method Dilutable Cleaner only comes in once scent: citrus leaf. It cleans using eco-friendly, biodegradable ingredients like plant-based cleaners and natural mineral boosters. It’s available now in stores and comes in a 25-ounce bottle.

Bucket not included.

NEWS: Non-Flamboyant Limited Edition Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Honors Sir Elton John

Marvo 9 Comments

While the Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road ice cream isn’t new to those in Vermont, where the Ben & Jerry’s headquarters is located, because it was released there after Sir Elton John made his first-ever appearance in 2008, it’s new to the rest of us and will be available nationwide for a limited time.

Unfortunately, the packaging and ingredients aren’t close to being as flamboyant as Sir Elton John, whose wardrobe shines brighter than Disneyland’s Main Street Electrical Parade. This limited batch ice cream contains chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, brickle candy pieces and white chocolate chunks.

It may be ice cream, but perhaps the coolest thing about the Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road is that a portion of the proceeds from it will benefit the Elton John AIDS Foundation.

A serving of it has 280 calories, 15 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 26 grams of sugar and 4 grams of protein.

Read our review here.

On Second Scoop has a review of it.

REVIEW: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash

Kayla 14 Comments

It is hard to believe that in two months it will be the 40th anniversary of that mud-covered, bong water-flavored, musical love-fest known as Woodstock. Even though I wasn’t actually there since I was born eighteen years after the harmonious event, I’m pretty sure I know what it was like to be in the crowd and which aromas would tickle my nostrils due the LSD induced hyper-sensory experience.

In the midst of animal and human fecal matter, ganja brownies and food cooked over flaming piles of hemp t-shirts, the fragrance of patchouli oil is able to stick out as one of the very few aromas that delights, but doesn’t give you the munchies so bad that you are willing to try the vegetarian goulash of a slightly hairy woman who was just born again as Starlight Moonshadow.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of smelling patchouli oil, I guess I can describe it as the scent from your sexually ambiguous art teacher who wore long flowing skirts and jewelry made by Incas sold at that random store in the mall that always opens up and mysteriously closes after two months. I guess there isn’t a desperate need for replica Urhobo masks.

The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash has a slight scent of patchouli, which is perfect for me, because I don’t like body washes that are overpowering since I use lotion and perfume. However, it wouldn’t be strong enough to get a hippie clean. The body wash lathers up pretty well using a medium-sized bath pouf, but I did notice that I had to put a larger amount than other body washes that I frequently use from Bath and Body Works or even Irish Spring (who says it’s only for men?).

Maybe this is a plot made by Olay for women to purchase more of their products (doesn’t every beauty company do this?), but I don’t think it’s working since I did buy this on sale at CVS. Although, I believe it was on sale because of a bottle design change, which is a little upsetting to me because the bottle design is what caught my attention in the first place. Also, it’s probably not “new” anymore.

Olay did hold up their hydrate promise, because my skin did feel like buttah before I even moisturized; the soy oil probably helped this. The Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash is a good product, but it is pretty boring compared to the thousands of other body washes currently on the market.

Item: Olay Body Hydrate Botanical Fusion Body Wash
Price: $3.79 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 fl oz
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Moisturizes the skin. Light scent of patchouli won’t make you smell like a hippie. Ganja brownies. Woodstock ’69. Purchased on sale. Skin like buttah.
Cons: Need to use more on bath pouf than other body washes. Scent might be too light for some. Hallucinating from ganja brownies. Woodstock ’99. Silky body wash could make you slip in the shower.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

Marvo 24 Comments

If Jack in the Box are “herding cows the size of schnauzers, but they’re cattle” for their Mini Sirloin Burgers, then I wonder what they’re using for their new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches.

Oh wait…Could it be?

Tweety Bird! Nooooooooooo!

It looks like Jack was able to do what Sylvester the Cat couldn’t. Sufferin’ Succotash! It seems like for Tweety, it’s Th-Th-Th-Th-That’s all, folks! I guess instead of the puddy tat, Tweety taw a puddy Jack!

Aaaah, Looney Tunes references — so 1950s.

Jack in the Box’s Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches comes in a pack of three and each is made up of white meat homestyle chicken filets, a drizzle of lettuce, ranch sauce and Frank’s RedHot Sauce. I don’t know Frank, nor do I know the reason why he made RedHot a compound word, but I do know that the sauce is tasty, although it wasn’t as redhot as I hoped. The lack of redheat might’ve been caused by the addition of the whitecool ranch dressing, which if that’s the case, would be a shame for those who really enjoy the redspice of buffalo sauce.

The lack of heat also might’ve been caused by the semi-conservative use of Frank’s RedHot Sauce on each mini chicken sandwich. While I could taste the sauce, I really wish they dipped the chicken filets in the sauce, like they were Salem witches, instead of just topping them. I think doing that might make up for the unnecessary gram of trans fat per mini sandwich. The ranch sauce, while quite visible when pulling back the top bun, wasn’t noticeable flavor-wise, the chicken filets were slightly tough and the lettuce was just there, like the stiff-bodied person on the bottom of a sexual position who is having no fun or significantly less fun than their partner on top.

Overall, I thought the Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches were decent, but they don’t come close to being as tasty as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. I guess, for some reason, cows the size of schnauzers seem to taste better than Tweety Bird.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 738 calories, 27 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 51 milligrams of cholesterol, 1877 milligrams of sodium, 461 milligrams of potassium, 92 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar and 31 grams of protein.)

(Note: The commercial for it is below.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Frank’s RedHot Sauce was tasty. Looney Tunes references for older people. Photoshopping. Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers. Perfect if you love sodium.
Cons: I didn’t like them as much as the Mini Sirloin Burgers. Could’ve used more sauce. Frank’s RedHot Sauce wasn’t as redhot as I would’ve liked. Ranch sauce wasn’t noticeable. Chicken filets were a little tough. The use of lettuce. Three grams of trans fat. High in sodium. Looney Tunes references for younger people.