REVIEW: Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters

Marvo 20 Comments

It doesn’t take much to make my nipples hard.

A light winter breeze, a cold shower or reading a Harry Potter book by candlelight in only my boxers all have the ability to areolas extendus. But nothing gets my nipples stiffer than the combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

It’s so bad that whenever I’m eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I make sure to fold my arms across my chest so that I don’t poke an eye out with my chesty protrusions. Because of my nipple’s love for chocolate and peanut butter, I was looking forward to enjoying the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters.

If you’ve never had Cakesters before, it has a cream filling that’s inside two soft cake cookies that have a consistency that’s similar to the nipple (and artery) hardening Hostess Twinkies and Ho Ho. If you’ve never wrapped your lips around anything Hostess makes or Cakesters, congratulations, you will probably live a few years longer than those of us who have.

The Peanut Butter Creme version combines soft chocolatey cake on the outside with a peanut butter filling, which sounds really good and I was hoping it would be just as delicious as the regular Peanut Butter Creme Oreos. But sadly, after eating it, I feel they’re trying to hurt the sacred combination of chocolate and peanut butter in one cakey swoop. Instead of making my nipples erect, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters takes my nipples and gives them a purple nurple.

The chocolate cake cookies are just as soft as all the other flavors of Cakesters I’ve tried, but the flavor of the peanut butter creme is significantly muted and the only time I really taste it is in the aftertaste. This is disappointing because what makes my nipples turn into rockets when I eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is the nutty flavor of the peanut butter which stands out more than the chocolate.

Unfortunately, the Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Cakesters accomplishes the opposite of that and makes my nipples sore with sadness.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package (2 cakesters) – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 270 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar and 3 grams of protein.)

(Note: We also reviewed the original Oreo Cakesters (good) and the Nilla Cakesters (bad).)

Item: Peanut Butter Oreo Cakesters
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Placing the word nipple in every paragraph in this review. Chocolate cake cookies were soft. Making my nipples hard. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Twinkies and Ho Hos.
Cons: Weak peanut butter flavor. Contains high fructose corn syrup. One of the worst combinations that involves chocolate and peanut butter. Leaves my fingers slightly greasy. One Cakester is more than 100 calories. Getting a purple nurple.

REVIEW: California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melts

Marvo 10 Comments

The term “flatbread” is one I just don’t quite understand, like “badonkadonk,” “ridonkulous” and 75 percent of the words that come out of the mouths of those darn kids who won’t get off of my lawn. I don’t get it because aren’t the slices of bread we buy in loaves from the store, whether they be whole grain, wheat, white or Wonder, also flat? But we don’t call them flatbread.

Believe me, I know flat when I see it, because I have a photo shrine in my closet dedicated to Keira Knightley.

I may not understand flatbread, but I do enjoy its softness and durability, so I was eager to try the California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melt. Although, I wasn’t too eager because I’m sort of skeptical of how good a frozen CPK meal that’s not a pizza; not offered in their restaurants; and not served to me by someone in a white long-sleeve shirt, black pants and a necktie would be.

Carne asada means “roasted beef” in Spanish and in Taco Bell speak it means “the meat option we offer that’s not chicken or ground beef.” Along with the flatbread and beef, the melt also contains reduced fat mozzarella cheese, green and red bell peppers and onions in a cilantro pesto sauce. Heating the Flatbread Melt is easy. Just pull it out of the its plastic wrap, place it on top of the included cooking tray, heat it in the microwave for 2.5-3 minutes and then fold one side over the other.

The melt was a decent size, coming in at 7.5 inches long and 3.5 inches tall. Before I folded it, I thought there wasn’t going to be enough filling in the melt, but as you can see above, there is a good amount of ingredients in between the flatbread. However, maybe there’s too much filling because ingredients kept falling out of the melt as I tried to eat it.

The melt’s flavor was mostly dominated by the flatbread, which came out of the microwave with crispy edges and everywhere else nice and soft. The next flavor I could taste was the cilantro pesto, which gave the melt a weird citrus flavor that I wasn’t too much of a fan of. There were a lot of pieces of tender meat and bell peppers, but I don’t think they added much in terms of flavor, especially the peppers.

The California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melt wasn’t very ridonkulous and I’m not sure if I would buy it again. How sure I am is the same level of sureness I have in my use of the term “ridonkulous” properly in the previous sentence.

In other words, not very much.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 melt – 370 calories, 15 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% vitamin C, 15% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen Carne Asada Flatbread Melts
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Size: 5.9 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Flatbread had crispy edges and soft innards. Decent size. Tender meat. Good amount of filling ingredients. Quick to heat up. My Keira Knightley shrine.
Cons: Cilantro pesto gave it a weird citrus flavor. I could mostly taste the flatbread. The meat and veggie didn’t provide much flavor. High in sodium. My use of terms I don’t know the meanings of so that I can look cool.

NEWS: Arby’s Fajita Flatbread Melts Have Me Thinking Taco Bell

Marvo 11 Comments

Arby’s, the fast food restaurant you probably haven’t been to in a while, recently released their new Fajita Flatbread Melts, which look more like something Taco Bell would unleash upon the world. The Melts come with either roasted beef or chicken, pepper jack cheese, grilled peppers, onions, fajita seasoning and red jalapeno sauce in between a warm flatbread.

The Roast Beef Fajita Flatbread Melt has 514 calories, 34 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 83 milligrams of cholesterol, 1717 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates and 25 grams of protein. The Roast Chicken Fajita Flatbread Melt has 471 calories, 25 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 81 milligrams of cholesterol, 1608 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates and 28 grams of protein.

[via Grub Grade]

NEWS: Cold Stone Goes All Mad Scientist On Us With Their Jell-O Pudding Ice Cream

Marvo 19 Comments

If you thought combining ice cream and cake into an ice cream cake was awesome, the new Cold Stone Creamery Jell-O Pudding Ice Cream is going to blow your mind, and I’m not talking a brain freeze kind of blow your mind. They’ve taken two Jell-O (or Jello if you’re lazy, and I am) pudding flavors, chocolate and butterscotch, and merged them with their ice cream to create a pudding/ice cream hybrid, a minotaur-ish dessert, if you will.

According to the Cold Stone website, the pudding ice cream, “…combines the smoothness and creaminess of the Cold Stone Creamery ice cream you love, with the thick and velvety texture of Jello pudding.” Also, the pudding ice cream doesn’t melt like regular ice cream, instead as it gets warmer, it turns into regular pudding.

The Jello Pudding Ice Cream will only be around until July 28 and available in two creations, Chocolate-y Goodness and Butterscotch Velvet. The prices for the pudding ice cream range from $2.49 to $3.49, excluding add-ins.

REVIEW: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash

Marvo 10 Comments

Before the period in my life when I went to the beach to take voyeuristic photos of women in bikinis so that I could post them on the internet and before my current fear of taking off my shirt in public, I went to the beach to enjoy the salty air, cool blue water and the sound of crashing waves. The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash reminds me of those simpler times when I wasn’t the freak on the beach with his shirt on who would have the meanest farmer’s tan and armed with a camera with a telephoto lens pretending to take photos of natural scenery.

The body wash’s pleasant fragrant and slightly salty scent reminds me of those days spent lounging and swimming at Hapuna Beach when I was a youngster and not a pervert. Sometimes I would swim out a little farther than everyone else and, while treading water, I would urinate in the Pacific Ocean with a big smile on my face. No pulling down my shorts. No aiming. Just letting it flow into the largest toilet bowl on the planet. For some reason the warm urine felt good as it escaped my body and mixed with the cold sea water. It’s a feeling I think everyone should experience, unless you’re at a beach that’s known for its regular shark sightings.

No, peeing in a swimming pool is not the same. Peeing in a swimming pool is for savages.

The Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash smells very similar to the Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash, but not as strong. If you’re not familiar with Method products, they are eco-friendly, haven’t been tested on animals and don’t contain ingredients that are considered to be pollutants or possible irritants, like parabens, phthalates and EDTA. One ingredient that this body wash does contain is sea salt, which gives it its slightly salty scent and is supposed to help purify the skin. But don’t expect the body wash to have granules of salt to exfoliate your skin or enough sodium to make your skin lickable to a race horse.

Because it’s eco-friendly, some people might think that it doesn’t clean as well as regular body washes, but it lathers up nicely, makes my naked body clean and leaves me smelling great in a scent that’s suitable for a man with a camera or the bikini clad woman he is secretly taking pictures of.

Item: Method Sea Minerals Marine Naturals Body Wash
Price: $6.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice fragrant, slightly salty unisex scent. Sexy curvy bottle. Reminds me of the beach. Doesn’t contain harmful pollutants or irritants. Not tested on animals. Lathers up nicely. Hapuna Beach.
Cons: Pricey. Might be difficult to find. Peeing in a swimming pool. Cap might be hard to recycle. Taking voyeuristic photos of unsuspecting women in bikinis. My fear of taking off my shirt in public.