REVIEW: Pepsi Natural

Marvo 24 Comments

Pepsi Natural reminds me of naked hippies.

Why? Sit down and I will tell you.

It happened during summer vacation after my sophomore year in college. I returned home to decompress after earning a well-deserved 1.6 GPA, which I obtained by failing Russian and Math 100. My high school friends also came home and we decided to do some camping and hiking along the Kona Coast, which is mostly made up of hardened lava rocks with occasional sandy beaches, private multimillion dollar mansions, and expensive resort hotels.

As we came upon one of the secluded sandy beaches, we noticed two people sunbathing. As we got closer, they stood up, and it was at this time we found out it was a man and a woman and they were naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen nude sunbathers. I was hoping we would pass right by them, but instead my friend said hello and soon after that a conversation ensued.

Their names were Ocean and Rainbow and they’ve been living on the beach for the past couple of weeks. The couple looked like they were in their 60s, but their leathery skin might’ve made them look older than they truly were. Ocean took a hit off of a joint and then passed it to his female companion, whose breasts seemed to have lost the war with gravity a long time ago. She offered the joint to us, but we declined. The smell of the marijuana helped cover their musky body odors.

Now if you’ve never met a nude sunbather, the first thing you might tell yourself is to not look down at their crotch, which is probably the right thing to think. While my friend was talking to them, I tried to focus on their faces, but something moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. I darted my eyes towards the moving object and saw it was Ocean’s penis. And it wasn’t moving, it was growing out from an unkept afro of pubic hairs. My eyes quickly shifted to Rainbow’s saggy breasts, then up to her blue eyes and stayed there. But my peripheral vision still noticed his rising cock.

Then I closed my eyes, but opened them when Rainbow called out Ocean’s name with a disapproving tone. “I guess I’m happy to see them,” Ocean replied.

The words coming out of his mouth drew my eyes toward him and then when he looked down, I also looked down and there in my vision was his bronzed boner, which was very similar in color to the Pepsi Natural, hence the reason why it reminds me of naked hippies. My looking quickly turned into staring, but I couldn’t help it because all I could think about was how horrible it must be to have a sunburned cock and I tried to see how the sun’s rays affected it. But I didn’t find out anything because we left soon after.

I think Ocean and Rainbow would like Pepsi Natural, but not because its amber color, that’s noticeably lighter than regular Pepsi, looks like the same shade as Ocean’s tanned penis. They would like it because it’s an all-natural cola made with sparking water, sugar, kola nut extract and eight other less exciting ingredients that either end with the word “acid” or “gum.” It doesn’t taste like regular Pepsi or have the same bite, instead it tastes somewhat earthy and not as sweet, which is probably due to the kola nut extract.

Overall, I did enjoy the flavor of Pepsi Natural. It’s definitely something different than what I’m used to when it comes to Pepsi, but that difference was refreshing. It still reminds me of a naked hippie’s bronzed boner (and after reading this review, it will probably remind you too), but I will continue to enjoy it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Natural
Price: $12.00
Size: 12-ounce 12-pack
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing flavor. Earthy flavor and not as sweet. All-natural cola. Twist top. Uses real sugar. Hiking and camping on the Kona Coast. Marijuana masking hippie body odors.
Cons: Different Pepsi flavor that might take some getting used to. Reminds me of naked hippie’s bronzed boner. Failing classes. Just doing it in missionary position. Saggy breasts. Leathery skin. Sunburned penises.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream

Marvo 17 Comments

Here on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we’re known for a lot of things, like warm weather throughout the year, beautiful beaches, pineapples, tourists, Kona coffee, meth addicts, hot female prostitutes who are actually men and marijuana. But were you aware that we’re also known for macadamia nuts?

If you’re not familiar with macadamia nuts, they were named after Australian chemist Dr. John Macadam by his colleague Ferdinand von Mueller, who probably wanted to throw his friend a bone since Mueller had several places in Australia and New Zealand named after him, which includes the Mueller Ranges, Mount Mueller, Mount von Mueller, Mueller’s Peak, the Mueller River, Mueller’s Creek, Lake Mueller, Mueller Glacier and Mueller Park. Macadamia nuts are special because they have the highest amount of beneficial monounsaturated fats among all known nuts, they have a decent amount of protein and carbohydrates and they’ve been called exotic nuts, like they’re Taiwanese tranny hookers.

If you ever visit Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii and enjoyed 80 plus degree weather while they suffered through snow and near freezing conditions. Consider it the non-verbal equivalent of saying “Suck on deez nuts, bitches! I went to Hawaii! Jealous?”

Despite having easy access to macadamia nuts and them being so delicious, I don’t eat them too often because they’re expensive. Also, if I buy some, they’ll be less of them for those tourists who would like nothing better than to give a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts to the annoying person in the cubicle next to them at work, then talking about how awesome their trip to Hawaii was and then asking what went on at work while he/she was soaking up some rays on a beach with a beverage served in a coconut and topped with a tiny paper umbrella.

While I don’t know if the new Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream has macadamia nuts from Hawaii, I do know that there wasn’t enough of them in the pint I purchased. Along with the nuts, which are fudge covered, this flavor also consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams made from Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla, which means the companies that produce them meet certain environmental, labor and development standards.

With all of the ingredients involved I expected the ice cream and my tongue to do the Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, but instead they ended up holding each other at arms length and just swaying from side to side as Atlantic Starr’s “Always” plays. The chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy, but the macadamia nuts overpowered their flavors, but only when I could get a macadamia nut in a spoonful. As I mentioned earlier, I felt there weren’t enough macadamia nuts throughout the pint of ice cream. I counted ten whole nuts, but I think I would’ve preferred them being in much smaller pieces so that they could be spread out more and dampen their flavor.

Now that I think about it, I guess I could add my own smaller pieces of macadamia nuts since they’re so easy to get on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 270 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 8% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy. Uses Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla. Macadamia nuts. The perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii.
Cons: Macadamia nuts overpowered the flavor of the ice cream. Slightly disappointing. Not enough nuts were spread throughout the pint. Would’ve been better with smaller nut pieces. Getting chocolate covered macadamia nuts from your co-worker who just came back from Hawaii. Taiwanese tranny hookers.

REVIEW: Metromint Chocolatemint Water

Marvo 19 Comments

The Metromint Chocolatemint Water combines something I want, chocolate, with something I need, water, with something that’s nice to have, mint. That’s a triple threat, like Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty or Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

Metromint’s line of minty waters each has what the company calls a “chill factor,” which according to their website, “is a comparative scale that measures the range of minty refreshment.” On one end of the spectrum, their Peppermint water has a chill factor of -9 degrees, while on the opposite end, the Chocolatemint has a chill factor of -2 degrees.

Despite their negative chill factors, none of these lightly flavored minty waters has the ability to freeze anything. Of course, this is obvious because the water itself doesn’t come frozen and I’m pretty sure Madonna’s heart is not involved with the bottling process. Although, the Metromint Chocolatemint Water did freeze my attention when I passed by it, but that probably had less to do with the chill factor and more with fact that it’s a bottled water flavored with chocolate.

The water has a pleasantly sweet minty scent with a whiff of chocolate. According to the label, this water get its chocolate from cocoa essence. I’m not sure what “essence” is or if there’s an essence-sized OXO measuring spoon, but it’s a decent amount because it makes this water have a refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. The cocoa essence also doesn’t add any fat or sugar to the beverage. There’s more mint flavor than there is chocolate and if a Peppermint Patty Light Light Light existed, it would probably taste like this water.

To be honest, I didn’t expect to enjoy the Metromint Chocolatemint Water because I thought the concept of drinking chocolate-flavored water was stupid and I actually said it was stupid out loud when I pulled one off of the shelf. But then I later realized that I drink chocolate water every time I prepare a packet of Swiss Miss with hot water.

Damn, now I know what it’s like to sound like a prick.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Gigi reviewed it as well.)

Item: Metromint Chocolatemint Water
Price: $2.50 (retails for much less)
Size: 16.9 ounces
Purchased at: Shirokiya
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. No fat or sugar. Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty.
Cons: May seem weird drink water with chocolate. Not sure how to measure the essence of something. Chill factor seems like a silly marketing concept. The price I paid for it. Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

REVIEW: SPAM Hot Dogs

Marvo 36 Comments

I find SPAM Hot Dogs to be intriguing and, at the same time, somewhat disgusting, like watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

It’s fascinating because despite the fact that SPAM is something that is looked down upon by as many people in this country as the folks who believe Daisy from VH1’s Daisy of Love is a complete skank, Hormel felt the need to create a hot dog-shaped version of their product. But I think a wiener-shaped version of SPAM would only be loved by canned meat fanboys, Hawaii residents, and Daisy from Daisy of Love, because judging by the contestants on her show, she apparently has a thing for made up pieces of meat that look like dicks.

The SPAM Hot Dogs are also somewhat revolting because they look like what I imagine 8 year old boys who visit Michael Jackson get to see. I would show you a picture of it in all of its pinkish glory, but I think the previous sentence set it up so that if you were to see it, you would probably expel something from your mouth and I’m pretty sure getting puke out of your keyboard is something very difficult to do.

While this molded meat product isn’t pretty to look at, neither is the ingredients list, which is made up of: pork, mechanically separated chicken, water, modified potato starch, salt, potassium lactate, sugar, sodium diacetate, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrate.

The packaging recommends they be either pan fried or grilled until hot. Since Smokey the Bear is sitting in an unmarked van across the street making sure I don’t have any incinerating devices, I’m not able to grill the SPAM Hot Dogs. Pan frying did help a little with the sickly pink color of the product, turning it a little browner. Measuring 4.75 inches long and three-fourths of an inch in diameter, they don’t quite fit in normal hot dogs buns from end to end, just like most hot dogs. But unlike most other hot dogs, they come eight to a pack, which negates the usual “too many hot dogs, not enough hot dog buns, use extra hot dogs as fake walrus teeth” dilemma.

If you care for the salty, WTF taste of SPAM, like I do, you will probably enjoy the SPAM Hot Dogs. Although, I think the SPAM flavor isn’t as strong as the stuff that comes out of the rectangular can. The addition of mustard and ketchup with the bun complimented the wiener quite well, which, at first, I didn’t think would work. However, if you don’t enjoy the canned meat known as SPAM, be glad because one SPAM Hot Dog contains almost 25 percent of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat, which means this shit is not good for you.

But if you do enjoy SPAM, you’ll like these conveniently shaped hot dogs, which allows you to easily consume them at a barbeque or at the zoo while watching two rhinos go at it, because if you can handle SPAM, you can probably handle the sight of that as well.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 hot dog – 130 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: SPAM Hot Dogs
Price: $3.99
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good if you like the salty, WTF taste of SPAM. Comes in a pack of eight, which is a perfect match for the number of hot dog buns per pack. Ketchup and mustard with a bun compliments the wiener well. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.
Cons: Bad if you don’t like SPAM. SPAM flavor doesn’t seem as strong as stuff that comes in a can. Not pretty to look at, if you have Jacko’s wiener in your head. One hot dog contains 25% of saturated fat. Sodium nitrate. Giving Daisy her own show. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I’m Bringing Pepsi Back. Them Other Boys Don’t Know How To Act. You Might Be Special, What’s Behind Your Back? So Turn Around, It Could Be A Pepsi Prize Pack.

Marvo 264 Comments

Right now, Pepsi and Mountain Dew are taking a nostalgic trip back in time by offering a special retro formula of their popular beverages sweetened with natural sugar, just as they were back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, giving fans literally a taste of the past. The Impulsive Buy reviewed the Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback last month. They have been available since April 20th and will only be around for 8 weeks in 20-oz retro designed single-serve bottles and 12-pack cans.

Thanks to the groovy folks at Pepsi, The Impulsive Buy is giving away a Throwback Prize Pack to one lucky Impulsive Buy reader via a prize drawing. The prize pack is valued at $150 and contains the following items:

A Pepsi Throwback Trucker Cap
A Retro Tin Lunch Box
A Retro Clock Radio/CD Player
A USB Lava Lamp
Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. Your comment MUST contain either a trend, food, beverage, television show or whatever else you would like to see brought back.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field. TIB will stop accepting entries on Saturday, May 16, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s only open to those 18 years old or older in the United States and at U.S. Military APOs. (I’m sorry to everyone else, but keep your eyes open for another prize drawing that will include everyone.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails containing gibberish. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you an application to upgrade your AAA membership. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or your inability to bring sexy back.