NEWS: New BK Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp Was Also New In 2005

Marvo 10 Comments

Before there was…

Gimme back that filet-o-fish
Gimme that fish
Gimme back that filet-o-fish 
Gimme that fish
What if it was you hanging up on this wall?
If you were in that sandwich you wouldn’t be laughing at all!

(YouTube link here)

There was…

When my belly starts a-rumblin’
And I’m jonesin’ for a treat.
I close my eyes for a big surprise
the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.

I love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
The breasts they grow on trees
And streams of bacon ranch dressing
Flow right up to your knees

There’s tumbleweeds of bacon
And cheddar paves the streets
Folks don’t front you ’cause you got the juice
There’s a train of ladies comin’ with a nice caboose
Never get in trouble, never need an excuse
The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

(YouTube link here)

I point this out to show proof that the new Burger King Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp is not so new.

And to get that Filet-o-Fish song stuck in your head…again.

Sticklers will point out that the 2009 version is called the Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp, while the 2005 version was called the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but both pretty much contain the same ingredients. The latest version has crispy white meat chicken, bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cheese and a bacon ranch sauce in between a premium bun.

The BK Bacon Cheddar Ranch Tendercrisp contains 990 calories, 58 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, and 2190 milligrams of sodium. It’s available for a limited time and may come back in the future as the Bacon Tendercrisp Cheddar Ranch.

NEWS: KFC Blows The Opportunity To Have An Awesome April Fool’s Prank with Their New Kentucky Grilled Chicken

Marvo 13 Comments

If Kentucky Fried Chicken (aka KFC if you’re nasty) introduced their new Kentucky Grilled Chicken thirteen days earlier on April Fool’s Day it would’ve blew my mind because I wouldn’t know if it was real or not and I’m sure others would’ve thought the same way, which might’ve created a viral buzz throughout the internets, causing people to tweet, blog, vlog and other techie words that have only been created within the past five years. Instead they release it on April 14, which is known as Not April Fool’s Day.

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken is marinated and seasoned with a blend of six secret herbs and spices and slow-grilled. Because of its use of a particular blend of spices and custom-designed ovens it’s being called by KFC, the second secret recipe. Pieces of the new chicken will have between 70 to 180 calories and four to nine grams of fat. Their original recipe chicken has between 130 to 360 calories and 8 to 24 grams of fat.

The Kentucky Grilled Chicken is available in KFC stores nationwide beginning today.

(NOTE: We reviewed the Kentucky Grilled Chicken a few days later. You can here the review by clicking here.

REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10

Marvo 17 Comments

Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10

I could stuff this review for the Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 with sexual references in every possible hole I could find, but I’m not going to get behind that and force something like that down your throats, because I’m better than that.

For example, I’m not going to talk about the three antioxidant-filled fruits in this beverage — acai, blueberry and pomegranate — coming together to form a cool, fruity manage-a-trois with so much pomegrindin’ that they would make each other turn blueberry and scream acai at the top of their lungs in orgasmic pleasure.

I’m not going to stoop to the crass level I’ve stooped to in hundreds of reviews before this one and in the previous two paragraph…and in the hundreds of reviews after this one. I’m going to try to be classy and make this review one that I wouldn’t be afraid to share with my parents and second graders, except for the first two paragraphs.

Glaceau’s XXX Vitamin Water 10 is the latest beverage to have the stevia sweetener Truvia added to it. The maker of the sweetener, Coca-Cola, has been pushing it hard up promoting their new sweetener a lot and have been slowly inserting it into adding it to various beverages across their numerous product lines. However Truvia is not the only sweetener in this beverage. Crystalline fructose and erythritol completes the sticky threesome trifecta of natural sweeteners.

Keep it clean, Marvo. Keep it clean.

While the XXX in its name represents the three fruits that provide the 50 milligrams of berry polyphenols and the flavor in this beverage, the 10 in its name symbolizes the 10 inches of man 10 calories it has per 8-ounce serving, which is one-fifth the calories in regular Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water. This is possible thanks to the foreskinned aforementioned Holy Trinity of group of natural sweeteners.

Focus, young Padawan.

While the Truvia-sweetened version has one-fifth of the calories found in regular XXX Vitamin Water, it also has about two-thirds of the flavor. So if you think regular Vitamin Water is too watery tasting, the lower calorie version will seem even more so with a weird aftertaste. Its color and smell also are lighter than the original version. I also wouldn’t recommend drinking it warm.

Yes. There you go. No sinful thoughts. No sinful thoughts.

…DAMMIT! I can’t take it anymore. FAIL.

The Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 was good and it tasted how I expected it to taste, but it didn’t make me want to wrap my lips around its gloryhole and…(the copy here was taken out after it was deemed to be so extremely explicit it would make strippers blush and pornstars cheer).

Oh, me likey happy ending!

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10
Price: $1.49
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting when cold. Ten calories per serving. Good source of vitamin C. Decent source of B vitamins. Being able to express myself. Pomegrindin’.
Cons: Weird aftertaste. Tastes bad when warm. Taste not equivalent to regular XXX Vitamin Water. Uses three types of sweeteners. Contains only 1% juice. Trying to write a normal review.

REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

Marvo 15 Comments

Aww shit! Bawls Guarana G33K B33R is here.
Raise your bumped glass bottle and cheer.
If you’re with a friend, make your bottles clink.
It takes a real geek to handle this drink.

[Interlude 1]
How do you know if you’re a real geek? Well here’s a little test.
Let’s see if you answer any of the questions with a “yes.”

Do you talk trash to 12-year-olds while in Halo combat?
Can you recite Jabba the Hutt’s lines at a drop of a hat?
Do you open up MS-DOS on a 486 to reminisce?
Does construction with Legos give you orgasmic bliss?
Do you have every episode of BattleBots on VHS tapes?
Does your closet contain Batman’s utility belt and cape?
Does your computer case glow with colored LED lights?
Do you download shit thru BitTorrent by the gigabytes?
Do you subscribe and read Slashdot’s RSS feed?
Do you dress up in cosplay before you do the deed?

[Interlude 2]
You don’t do any of those things? Shhhhiiiit.
Well here are a few others G33K B33R is meant for.

Does the name “Caprica” make your naughty parts tingle?
Can you play on your wind instrument the X-Files jingle?
When you roll, do you only do it with a 12-sided die?
Did the trailer for the G.I. Joe movie make you cry?
Do you get hard playing Risk when you takeover lands?
Can you display the Vulcan salute with both hands?
In Borders, do you flip through books with dragons on the cover?
Did someone break up with you because you’re a WoW lover?
Do you call the Lord of the Rings toys on your shelf figurines?
Does Lara Croft sometimes end up in your wet dreams?

[Interlude 3]
Nothing?
Well then, maybe G33K B33R isn’t for you.
So here’s what you’re missing.

The caffeine in Bawls G33K B33R makes it like root beer on ‘roid
I like this tasty beverage as much as Michael Jackson loves little boys.
It gives me a kick but not as hard as other energy drinks I’ve tried.
The high fructose corn syrup it contains makes me sad inside.
Its low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache.
Bawls Guarana G33K B33R makes cheap root beers taste like ass.
It’s got a little bite, but no bitterness from the guarana can be found.
Cuz it’s only ten ounces I can’t pour one out when a homie goes down.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams potassium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Bawls G33K B33R
Price: FREE
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Sent by Twitter pal Jokeyhaha
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty root beer flavor. Low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache. No bitterness from guarana. Bottle looks like a sex toy. Trailer for G.I. Joe movie. BattleBots.
Cons: Didn’t give me a kick as hard as other energy drinks. Contains only 10 ounces. High fructose corn syrup. Bottle looks like a sex toy.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Sets Up Possible Nerd Rumble With New Star Trek Cereal That’s Similar To A Star Wars Cereal

Marvo 13 Comments

The new Star Trek Cereal boldly goes where other cereals that promoted movies with the word “star” in them have gone before.

It’s made up of sweetened oat cereal and marshmallows, which were the same ingredients found in 2005’s Star Wars Cereal. These similarities might lead to a confrontation between Star Wars and Star Trek fanatics about which cereal is better, which would be much like the disagreements those nerds have over which movie franchise is superior.

Oh, I can’t wait for the Force-Fx lightsaber replicas and the plastic phasers set to kill to be drawn at each other. All I would need are some Princess Leias in gold bikinis and a few Lt. Uhuras and it would give me a total nerdgasm that would take weeks to recover from.

A 3/4 cup dry serving of the Star Trek Cereal contains 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.