NEWS: New Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal May Cause Kashi Fanboys and Fangirls To Drool All Over Themselves

Marvo 8 Comments

I’m afraid to say anything bad about a Kashi product because I’m afraid of what the Kashi fanatics will do to me, so I’m not sure if I want to try the new Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal. I’ve never met a Kashi fanboy or fangirl, so I don’t know if they’re like extreme Trekkies who would put the Vulcan Death Grip on me if I tell them Star Wars was better.

All I can go on are the typographical error-filled comments they leave on the Kashi website that say things like, “OMG Kasshi is awessome!!!” But those don’t tell me anything, except they love exclamation points. All I can truly assume about Kashi fanatics is that they have very clean colons since they probably eat a lot of Kashi-provided dietary fiber.

The USDA Organic-certified Kashi Island Vanilla Biscuit Cereal is another way Kashi fanatics can help clean their colons and get a full day’s serving of whole grains. Each wheat cereal biscuit is baked with finely ground organic vanilla beans, giving the cereal a natural sweetness.

A serving size of 27 biscuits contains 180 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 180 milligrams of potassium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 6 grams of protein.

NEWS: Mutant Berry Slurpee Sounds Significantly Less Bad Ass Than The Wolverine Movie It’s Promoting

Marvo 10 Comments

Earlier this week, 7-Eleven introduced the Mutant Berry Slurpee to promote the release of the upcoming movie — X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Its flavor has been billed as Hawaiian Punch Berry Limeade Blast.

Along with the special Slurpee flavor, you can get 3D cups featuring either Wolverine, Sabretooth or Gambit, if you’re willing to pick up the largest Slurpee size and consume more sugar than any normal human should or you’re a mutant with the ability to turn the sugar you consumed into ice, fire or harmless butterflies.

The high fructose corn syrup sweetened beverage contains no caffeine and, despite its name, contains NO BERRIES. According to the ingredients list, it contains apples, pear passionfruit, pineapple and peach juices from concentrate, along with papaya and apricot purees.

An 8-ounce serving of Mutant Berry Slurpee contains 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein. It will be available throughout the summer months.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

Marvo 19 Comments

Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches.  I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est.  You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be.  Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges.  Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.

NEWS: New Special K Protein Shakes May Prove Once and For All That Women Do Fart

Marvo 9 Comments

Whenever I think of a protein shake, I think of those HUGE canisters of protein shake mix my old roommate used to buy from GNC to gain muscle. They came in different flavors, like chocolate and strawberry. I’m not sure how the protein shake mix worked, but I assume he gained muscle by lifting that HUGE container all the time. But I do know that soon after he made a protein shake the apartment began to reek of farts.

The Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake takes the mixing out of the protein shake mix and is a dainty ready-to-drink protein shake for, I can only assume, women or people who like to fart. Actually, I don’t know if this product causes farting like the GNC protein shake mix does, but if it does, it will prove once and for all that women do fart, which I didn’t think they did.

The Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake comes in three flavors: French vanilla, strawberry and milk chocolate. Each shake has around 180 calories, 5 grams of fat, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.

NEWS: Jack in the Box Debuts Mini Sirloin Burgers and Joins Burger King, Krystal and Ruby Tuesday on White Castle’s Shitlist

Marvo 14 Comments

Jack, who recently recovered from being hit by a bus, introduced today his new Mini Sirloin Burgers, which follows Burger King’s recent entry into the mini burger/copy ideas from another fast food franchise arena, the BK Burger Shots. The new menu item is made up of three mini sirloin burgers topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun.

A 3-pack of Jack in the Box’s Mini Sirloin Burgers has 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.

It will be available at participating Jack in the Box restaurants for $3.89 (or probably significantly more if you live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean).

Update: Read our review of the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burger here