REVIEW: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix

Marvo 13 Comments

Oreo Fun Stix

I’ve yet to have any fun with these Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix. I should be having a blast with them because, after all, the word “fun” is in its name, but I’ve gone through almost the entire box and I haven’t gotten any entertainment out of them; not even by trying to light them or sticking them into an orifice. It’s so boring that I consider it the snack version of The Hills spin-off The City.

Each box comes with eight packs of two cylindrical chocolate cookie wafers lined with Oreo creme that measures six inches long and half an inch in diameter. They’re hollow, so they’re just like those cereal straws that allow you to slurp up milk with them, except you won’t find these in the cereal aisle and because they’re not labeled “cereal straws” they won’t go down as one of the most absurd packaged food ideas that our future alien overlords will point to as the reason why it was so easy to enslave the human race.

But maybe it’s not the fault of the Oreo Fun Stix and I’m not using them correctly or my body is numb to fun after years and years of consuming Oreos in every possible way and the saturated fat they provided has blocked the “fun juice” from reaching my brain. So maybe the fun comes from trying to unblock the “fun juice.”

The Oreo Fun Stix continues the long list of items that haven’t given me the same satisfaction as regular Oreo cookies. The cookie shell was crispy, but perhaps too crispy since some of the Fun Stix were broken when I opened their packs and they easily left a bunch of crumbs on my table, which I guess could be entertaining if I had a penchant for hearing the sucking sound from a 1980s Black & Decker DustBuster.

The Oreo cream tasted very much like the sweet whiteness that we’ve all grown to love and lick, but because the cream lining is inside the wafer stick I can’t get any pleasure from licking it, unless I’m supposed to get delight from a surgical procedure that turns my tongue into a snake’s tongue. The cookie shell combined with the Oreo cream didn’t quite taste like an actual Oreo cookie, which was disappointing. For roughly the same price as these Oreo Fun Stix you can get actual Oreos and, I think, more of them.

I still don’t know what exactly is so fun about these Oreo Fun Stix and I’ll probably never find out. I guess just because it has the word “fun” in it, doesn’t automatically make them fun, after all, the word “fun” is also in words like defunct, dysfunctional, funeral, fungus, malfunction and nonrefundable.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – 90 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 4% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Oreo Fun Stix
Price: $3.49
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Oreo cream. 90 calories per pack. DustBusters.
Cons: It’s basically a cereal straw, one of the downfalls of the human race. Not fun at all. Didn’t quite taste like an Oreo. Wafer was a little too fragile. Pricey for the amount you get. Makes crumbs. The MTV executive who green-lighted The City. Having alien overlords in the future.

REVIEW: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste

Marvo 18 Comments

Axe Whatever Paste

On the Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste’s container, which for some reason kind of reminds me of the Legion of Doom’s headquarters, the following is printed on its label: “Girls don’t like that crusty, crunchy hair you get from gels.”

If Axe’s canister copywriters are correct, I’ve been living in a style faux pas for the past several years, because I’ve been using a hair gel that makes my hair crustier than a hobo’s armpit and crunchier than a bag of Cheetos. But I love my hair gel because it makes something on my body remain stiff for more than four hours without the need to see a doctor and it gives my hair to ability to pop balloons so that I can make the children holding them cry.

The Whatever Messy Look Paste is part of Axe’s new hair product line, which is made up of shampoos, conditioners and hair styling products. It expands Axe’s Axis of Evil Aromas. For those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy readers, you know that I’m not a big fan of Axe products and have given them bad reviews because I think all their products smell alike and they have never gotten a guy tackled, kissed, groped or bitten, despite what their commercials show. Because of my feelings towards Axe products, I didn’t expect much from the Whatever Messy Look Paste, but I have to admit that I kind of liked it.

Axe has four hair products; each is used for a different type of styling: spiked, shaggy, clean and messy. The Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste, obviously, gives users a messy just-out-of-bed look, which is otherwise known as the It Looks Like I Don’t Give A Shit About My Hair, But I Really Do Because I Spent Five Minutes Looking At Myself In The Mirror Trying to Make My Hair This Messy look. I was able to make my hair messy with it, but I also made it fairly neat, as you can see above.

The hair paste was baby blue in color. If I remember correctly from my days as a drooling, diaper-pooping infant, that is a boyish color. Its scent was much more pleasant than any other Axe product I’ve tried, but it also smelled like a woman’s deodorant. And I should know what a women’s deodorant smells like because I’ve licked my fair share of female armpits for $50 on top of their usual hourly rate.

Applying the paste was simple; all I had to do was use a finger-tip amount, rub it vigorously between my hands, spread it thoroughly through my damp hair and style. Because the product was baby blue, it temporarily gave some of my hair a baby blue sheen, but it quickly faded as I styled it.

The product did a good job of maintaining its hold. Even after having it on the whole day, it pretty much looked the same as when I applied it. It didn’t make my hair stiff and it didn’t flake, but it was a little greasy, which would make it slightly unappealing for a woman to run her fingers through my hair while I lick her armpit for an extra fifty bucks.

Item: Axe Whatever Messy Look Paste
Price: $6.48
Size: 2.64 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job maintaining hold. Doesn’t smell like other Axe products. Didn’t flake. Able to make my hair messy and neat with it. Licking a woman’s armpit.
Cons: Made my hair a little greasy. Smells like a woman’s deodorant. Baby blue color is kind of weird. Gives hair a temporary baby blue sheen. Having to pay $50 to lick a woman’s armpit (It should be included in the hourly rate).

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Want to Wish Everyone a Happy National Snack Food Month, Which Was Last Month

Marvo 192 Comments

I know February is National Black History Month, National Get To Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month and Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, but I totally forgot that it’s also National Snack Food Month. According to the Snack Food Association (SFA), National Snack Food Month was created to increase consumption and build awareness of snacks. Apparently entire supermarket aisles dedicated to snacks and displays near the checkout counter hasn’t been enough to encourage people to eat more snacks.

Anyway, to celebrate National Snack Food Month, The Impulsive Buy is going to give away seven 6-ounce bags of FoodShouldTasteGood tortilla chips to seven lucky readers. I have one of each flavor FoodShouldTasteGood offers.

– Multigrain
– Jalapeno
– Olive
– Chocolate
– The Works!
– Sweet Potato
– Buffalo

Thanks to the folks at FoodShouldTasteGood for providing the bags of their chips to give away.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment with THIS post with the flavor you would like to win and whatever else you want to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person (I’m keeping track of the IP addresses) and it’s open to EVERYONE who’s 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about how you can have sexy long time. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you rocks in the mail. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or whatever comes out of Paula Abdul’s mouth on national television.

REVIEW: Arby’s Bacon Cheddar Roastburger

Marvo 14 Comments

Arby's Bacon and Cheddar Roastburger

Arby’s is one of those places I continually forget still exists, like Radio Shack, The Disney Store, Hard Rock Cafe and Planet Hollywood.

Maybe it’s because Arby’s isn’t like other fast food places. They don’t inundate me with weird Burger King ads from advertising superpower Crispin Porter + Bogusky or McDonald’s commercials that make it seem cool to eat saturated fat and sodium. But every so often Arby’s comes up with a product that slaps me across the face and jogs my memory of them. Their new Bacon Cheddar Roastburger was the hand that bitchslapped some recollection into me.

The Bacon Cheddar Roastburger is made up of thinly sliced, oven roasted beef, pepper bacon, a slice of cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and red onions in between a special roll. I’m not too sure what’s so special about the roll, but it might be that fact that it contains trans fat, as you can see in the image below.

Something else that’s disturbing about the Arby’s Bacon Cheddar Roastburger is the use of “chargrilled seasoning,” which you can see in the image above. I think it should get a chargrilled flavor from chargrilling, but apparently there’s an easier way to get it.

I enjoy Arby’s Beef ‘n Cheddar and the Bacon Cheddar Roastburger is basically a Beef ‘n Cheddar with vegetables, bacon, a higher price and, according to my computer’s spellcheck, a made up compound word. Unfortunately I don’t think it comes close to tasting as delicious as a Beef ‘n Cheddar. It was a decent size and had an ample amount of roasted beef, but it was bland and dry.

It didn’t come with a sauce, so I guess it depended on that chargrilled seasoning for flavor. Thank Buddha for Arby and Horsey Sauces, which made finishing the Arby’s Bacon Cheddar Roastburger much easier.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 442 calories, 18 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 57 milligrams of cholesterol, 1427 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

(Note: The folks at Grub Grade reviewed all three Roastburger varieties. Here’s a review of the All-American Roastburger. And here’s another review for the Bacon Cheddar Roastburger.)

Item: Arby’s Bacon Cheddar Roastburger
Price: $6.97 (combo meal)
Size: Regular meal
Purchased at: Arby’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent sized burger. Lots of roasted beef. Contains vegetables. Arby Sauce and Horsey Sauce. Arby’s doesn’t have irritating commercials like other fast food joints.
Cons: Bland and dry. Disappointing. No sauce. High in sodium. Contains trans fat. Being bitchslapped by a burger.

REVIEW: Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint

Marvo 18 Comments

Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint

Let’s be honest.

The Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint tinting rinse is basically a bullshit detector for parents to use on their children to ensure they’re not lying about brushing their teeth. It’s made for minors at least 6 years of age, which is when I learned the wonderful technique of lying to get out of trouble and to get what I want. Not even the George Washington cherry tree story, which ironically is a lie, could convince me to always be truthful.

This bullshit detector works by tinting your rug rat’s teeth after they rinse with it for 30 seconds. The blue will attach to their plaque and give their teeth a very light blue tint, which is supposed to encourage your brats to brush their teeth better and to make brushing fun.

Of course, if you’re having trouble getting your offspring to brush, you’ll probably have the same level of trouble getting your nestlings to rinse with this product when they know brushing will follow, which ends up being double the hassle for you. So I’m not sure if this is an efficient way to get your lil’ hellions to brush their teeth.

I don’t have kids, but I’ve come up with a few ways to “convince” your little punks to have good oral hygiene. Which one you use depends on how much pain and/or embarrassment you feel they can handle.

Technique #1: Embarrassment – Are you decent at Photoshop? Know someone who’s good at Photoshop? Take one of your kid’s school pictures, scan it, open the file up in Photoshop and do some digital dental cosmetic surgery. Remove some or all of their teeth; draw squiggly lines or, if you’re a Photoshop expert, a green cloud of gas coming out of their mouth to signify bad breath; and add the words, “Stinky Breath” on the image. Then take the completed image, put it on a t-shirt and make your scamp wear it to school.

Technique #2: Paranoia – Set up a security video camera in the bathroom your lil’ rascals use. It can be real or fake, but it should have a working red light on it and occasionally make sounds like the camera is focusing. If possible, add an intercom system which you’ll use to announce that you’re watching them.

Technique #3: Fear – Show your lil’ wretches episodes of the HBO drama Oz, particularly the really graphic ones, and tell them that people who don’t brush their teeth end up in prison.

Technique #4: Pain – The next time your bundle of joy has a dentist appointment, slip the dentist an extra $50 to add a little more pain to their time in the dentist’s chair. Tell your dentist to scrape a little harder, poke at their gums a little more and threaten them with the drill a few times. If you hear crying or see a little blood, slip the dentist an extra $20.

But if you’re not willing to make these type of commitments, then the Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint tinting rinse might be able to get your gene carriers to brush, although if they have any intelligence I’m pretty sure they can figure out that they can just rinse their mouth with water when you’re not looking to get rid of whatever blue tint there is, hence the Paranoia Technique above.

When I tried this product, I found the blue tint to be unnoticeable after I rinsed with it for 30 seconds. However, after rinsing with it for a minute, the blue tint was a little more prominent and it dyed my plaque and tongue a dark blue, but all of that easily disappeared after I brushed. It had a pleasant minty flavor and because it’s a rinse and not a mouthwash, it doesn’t sting like normal Listerine.

I still don’t know if the Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint will truly encourage little shits to brush their teeth, because it’s not intimidating and Hannah Montana is not on the bottle. All I do know is with my parenting abilities, using pain and embarrassment, I would make an awesome parent, teacher, Scoutmaster or day care facility owner.

Item: Listerine Agent Cool Blue Glacier Mint
Price: $4.46
Size: 16.9 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: It has a minty flavor. It’s blue. Decent bullshit detector. For adults and children. My parenting techniques. Good oral hygiene.
Cons: I don’t think it’s very effective in encouraging children to brush. Took more than 30 seconds to see blue tint on my teeth. Does not make brushing fun. Name is lame. Bad oral hygiene.