REVIEW: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks

Marvo 47 Comments

I don’t know what to do with myself during the 35 seconds it takes to warm up an Oscar Mayer Fast Frank. Most microwavable foods I eat, like popcorn and Lean Cuisine meals, take three to five minutes to heat up.

During that time I can walk away from the microwave and do a lot of different things, like put clothes in the washing machine, check out baseball box scores, iron a pair of pants, or kill some random guy with my bare hands, but I can’t do any of those things within 35 seconds. If I was an inexperienced overexcited male about to lose his virginity, those 35 seconds would be more than enough to experience premature ejaculation, but I’m no longer that person.

Each box of Oscar Mayer Fast Franks, which needs to be refrigerated, comes with three individually wrapped weiners with buns in a heating sleeve. The weiner inside the wrapping comes in its own wrapping, all of which is sort of like the equivalent of putting your groceries in paper and plastic bags or double-bagging a weiner — anatomy, not food.

(Editor’s Note: Please don’t double-bag weiners — anatomy, not food. Double-bagging increases the chances of condom breakage. No matter how skanky the person you’re with is, double-bagging might not provide double the protection. So please, don’t let friends double-bag. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friends at The Impulsive Buy.)

Taking the hot dog with bun out of its wrapper, then taking the weiner out of its wrapper and putting it back in the bun, and then putting the hot dog in its heating sleeve in the microwave took slightly less than the 35 seconds it takes to warm a Fast Frank up. So I could prepare another Fast Frank while I wait for the first one warming up in the microwave, but eating two of them in one sitting would probably negate my daily Thighmaster workout, due to their high saturated fat and sodium content.

For those 35 seconds, I could just stare at the microwave, watch the Fast Frank rotate as it warms up, and feel the radiation on my skin, but there has to be a better use of my time. I guess I could just dance my way through the 35 seconds.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, that was me dancing. I have no rhythm.)

After the 35 seconds, I ended up with a decent tasting hot dog. Made out of turkey, pork, and chicken, the weiner warmed up thoroughly and was tasty, especially with the mustard I added to it. The bun was soft, but had a very slight staleness to it, which really isn’t surprising since it’s been refrigerated.

The Oscar Mayer Fast Franks seem perfect for those who are too lazy to cook. They are faster to warm up than a Cup o’ Noodles ramen, but unfortunately, they are significantly more pricey. The cost of each box of three individually wrapped weiners is roughly the equivalent of 6-10 Cup o’ Noodles. Its price is also about the same as a pack of hot dogs and a pack of hot dog buns combined, which will yield a significant more amount of weiners, but of course, with less convenience.

Although, with the time it takes to prepare weiners the old fashioned way, I will have more time to read my email, kill people my bare hands, or dance.

(Nutrition Facts for 1 Hot Dog with Bun: 290 Calories, 170 Calories from Fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 790 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein)

Item: Oscar Mayer Fast Franks
Price: $3.50
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty weiner. Super quick to warm up. Perfect for people too lazy to cook. Good source of protein. Individually wrapped. Dancing.
Cons: As unhealthy as normal hot dogs. Really pricey for only three hot dogs. Cup o’ Noodles are cheaper. Double-bagging weiners — anatomy, not food. Putting a video of yourself dancing poorly on YouTube. Can’t do much in 35 seconds. Getting the Jumbo Hotdog song stuck in your head. Premature ejaculation.

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Marvo

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Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wing

Ace 13 Comments

September is upon us and many of us are going back to college for another semester of higher education and even higher bong hits. For a lot of people, school is an amazing wonderland that enriches the mind with knowledge and experience. If you are one of these people, I despise you — yet long to become you.

My days are mostly spent staring blankly like a grouper fish while my professors tell unfunny jokes. It has already come to the point where they barely register in my melted mind.

Melted is the key word here, as the recent heat wave has made walking around both uncomfortable and embarrassing. As I drag myself into class, I can’t help but think that looking like I’ve just run a marathon in a rubber suit raises some eyebrows. I no longer find it disturbing that I regularly fantasize about destroying the sun and gleefully frolicking amidst an Ice Age utopia.

So it’s strange that one of my new favorite snacks promotes the virtues and value of heat. Indeed, the Blazin’ Buffalo flavor of Goldfish has been both a tasty and satisfying snack whenever I feel the need to crunch on something. I’m probably ten years above the target market, but I can’t resist a snack that actually smiles back at me as I’m eating it.

The flavor appealed to me because I’ve been looking for something to curb my hot wing addiction for quite some time. Since football season is now coming back in full gear, I decided that buying the Goldfish for a little over a buck was a good choice to make for my wallet.

Ordering wings at my favorite place costs $35 for a tub of 50 and isn’t something I can really afford on a regular basis. It had gotten to the point where I had to sell my body for bottles of blue cheese. Actually, it never got that far, but it would make for a funny story.

So does the taste of these lovable crackers actually come close to buffalo wings? Well, sort of. It’s not actually all that spicy, certainly not spicy enough to warrant a “Blazin'” label. Thankfully, it’s also not as salty as the other “Flavor Blasted” varieties that taste as though they’ve been invented for the sole purpose of giving children high blood pressure.

Overall, it’s a tasty snack because it has a decent amount of buffalo wing flavor while still maintaining the addictive qualities of Goldfish crackers. It’s nothing to get too excited about, but at least I can now proudly hum the Goldfish jingle to myself as I’m slowly roasting in a poorly ventilated classroom.

Item: Goldfish Flavor Blasted Blazin’ Buffalo Wing
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty buffalo wing flavor that isn’t overbearing. Great snack for kids, kids-at-heart, and kid lovers. Happily dancing in a frozen tundra.
Cons: Not as spicy as I would like it to be. Eating a children’s snack as a young adult. Sweating a lot more than other people. Prostituting my body for condiments.

Quick Question

Marvo 15 Comments

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Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie

Marvo 29 Comments

The Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie has more grass types than your average golf course and corner nickelbag dealer have combined. Each bottle contains wheat grass, barley grass, oat grass, alfalfa, sprulina, and chlorella. It’s been awhile since bullies made me eat grass in grade school, so I didn’t fully remember what it tasted like, but after drinking this smoothie, it’s slowly coming back to me.

Fortunately, the smoothie doesn’t just contain grass, because that would be the shittiest smoothie ever. It also has apple juice, grape juice, bananas, mangos, and the popular açai berry. Much like how Timbaland can make a song sound much better, these fruits and fruit juices made the grass taste better, although not as good as I hoped.

If you’ve ever had a bad raisin, you have an idea of what the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie tastes like. It was pretty disgusting when I first drank it, but the more I drank, the better it got. It’s the same thing with the movie Battlefield Earth. If you take a shot every time John Travolta overacts, within ten minutes the movie will be on the same level as Gigli.

The taste of this maroon-colored beverage will make most people gag, and so will most beverages described as tasting like a “bad raisin,” but I have a trick that you can use to hopefully make it more tolerable. All you have to do is keep telling yourself how healthy the all grass and Açai berries are for you. It’s like the mental equivalent of pinching your nose to endure its taste. But if the sight or taste of this doesn’t get to you, perhaps its smell or sludge-like consistency will.

Despite how bad I’m talking about it, I have to say that I actually like the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie. It’s a food with a silver lining. I think because there are so many things in it that are good for you that they negate all the things that make it disgusting. It has antioxidants, healthy omega fats, fiber, and a whole lot of phytonutrients, all of which will decrease the effects of free radicals and probably make Britney Spears’ new single tolerable for about three seconds.

Besides, isn’t that the rule of most healthy foods? They may not taste good, but they are good for you–except iceberg lettuce and orchids used as garnish. I also think it tastes a little bit better than its competitor, the equally disturbing Odwalla Superfood, although the Sambazon smoothie has more calories, less potassium, less Vitamin C, and a little more sugar.

It maybe super healthy, tastes all right, and smells bad, but perhaps the least known fact about the Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie is that it may get you a ride if you need a lift someday, because you know what they say:

Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Item: Sambazon Supergreens Revolution Organic Açai Smoothie
Price: $3.39 (10.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Full of healthy shit. Slightly better tasting than the Odwalla Superfood. 100% vegan. Organic. Antioxidants. 7 grams of dietary fiber (28% daily allowance). 4,050 milligrams of healthy omega fats.
Cons: Smells weird. Sludge-like. Its taste is something to get used to. Drinking grass. Eating grass in grade school. Britney’s fucked up new single.