NEWS: Dawn Dishwashing Detergent Helps With Grease Cutting…And Now Cheese Cutting

Marvo 12 Comments

Remember when Palmolive dishwashing soap was advertised to soften hands while you did the dishes? That was pretty much the extent of multitasking dishwashing detergents. All the others were just one trick ponies, because they were only good for washing dishes.

However, that has changed a little thanks to the new Dawn Simple Pleasures, which has an air freshener in the base of the bottle to help keep your kitchen smelling fresh and grease fighting Dawn detergent on top to give your kids a chore to do to teach them about responsibility, while you sit on the couch and watch TV.

Waterproof beads in the bottom compartment release appealing scents that cover your bad cooking or the flatulence caused by your bad cooking. It comes in three scents: Apple & Pear, Water Lily & Jasmine, and Lemon & Tangerine

I could see the Dawn Simple Pleasures as a bachelor’s dream, covering the stank caused by a few weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Of course, the bachelor’s rule of dishwashing is, “If it don’t stink, just leave it in the sink.” But thanks to the Dawn Simple Pleasures and its stank covering abilities, the rule may not need apply anymore or it may need a slight rewrite.

Perhaps, “If your plates have roaches scuttlin’, then it’s time to do some scrubbin’.”

[Site:] Dawn

REVIEW: Java Monster

Marvo 23 Comments

Java Monster

I’ve never been in prison — unless watching an episode of the HBO series Oz counts — but Mean Bean, Big Black, and Loca Moca sound like nicknames of people who would rape you in a prison shower, but they’re actually the flavors of the new Java Monster premium coffee drinks.

For those of you who are regular energy drink drinkers, Monster is most likely a familiar name because you’ve probably drank from one of their cans for liquid energy sustenance during either a 24-hour Halo 2 session, a History 151 final exam cram session, or while accidently listening to New Age music.

With their Java Monster coffee drinks, they’ve taken 1,000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of Panax Ginseng, and their “energy blend” found in their popular energy drinks, which consists of L-Carnitine, Glucose, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronolactone, and Maltodextrin, and stuffed it into a coffee drink, like Rosie putting on spandex.

With 120 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of carbs, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 20% of calcium, and 100% of your recommended daily allowances of Vitamin C, riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, and Vitamin B12 the Java Monster coffee drinks have about the same nutritional values as their colorful Monster Energy Drink cousins.

On the can of Java Monster, it says it contains half the caffeine of regular coffee, but twice the buzz, which slightly concerned me since I’m a huge proponent of caffeine and would probably snort it using rolled up hundred dollar bills if given the option.

Oh wait. That’s cocaine. I’m sorry. I got my drugs that start with the letter C mixed up.

If Java Monster gives twice the buzz, I wonder if I could triple or quadruple the buzz by drinking a Java Monster while either sniffing rubber cement, inhaling the gas that comes out of canned whipped cream, or painting my bathroom canary yellow without a mask and then passing out on the floor?

Of course, I could try to do all of that at the same time while drinking a Java Monster, but I’m not Lindsay Lohan.

Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, the Java Monster did give me a nice boost of energy and did it with a great taste. All the flavors had a delicious even balance of coffee and cream flavor that was really easy to drink. They weren’t too sweet, nor were they too bitter.

However, just like choosing which of Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends I like best — because they all look alike and probably have the same STDs from Hef — it’s hard to choose which Java Monster flavor I prefer, since they pretty much all taste the same.

Item: Java Monster
Price: $1.99 each (15 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Great tasting. Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, it does give a nice energy boost. Easy to drink. Uses reduced fat milk. Big 15-ounce cans.
Cons: They taste all the same. Flavor names sound like prison inmate nicknames. Only half the caffeine of regular coffee. Rosie putting on spandex. Accidently listening to New Age music. Having sex with Hugh Hefner.

NEWS: Taco Bell Goes Extreme With Beef and Possibly Too Extreme With The Cheese

Marvo 21 Comments

Unless Taco Bell comes up with a new type of meat, a new menu item name that ends with a vowel, or another adjective that isn’t “spicy,” “zesty,” or “extreme,” I think they’ll soon run out ideas for their “Limited Time Only” special menu items. I’m suggesting this because it seems like I’ve eaten the new Taco Bell Extreme Beef and Cheese Quesadilla before or something like it. Probably something less extreme or maybe something spicy or zesty.

If you love cheese, need calcium, or if you’re a mouse, you’ll probably like the Taco Bell Extreme Beef and Cheese Quesadilla. Along with the two tortillas and seasoned beef is a blend of three melted cheeses and the popular warm nacho cheese sauce.

With a price of $1.29, it sounds like a reasonable deal, but here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it will probably be 50 cents more, probably due to the expense of shipping gallons of nacho cheese sauce across the Pacific Ocean.

The Taco Bell Extreme Beef and Cheese Quesadilla also has an extreme amount gut gaining goodness with 520 calories, 28 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, and 1,510 milligrams of sodium. At least, the extreme amount of cheese provides 50% of your daily allowance of calcium.

[Site:] Taco Bell

NEWS: Silk Soy Milk + Fiber = Crazy Nutritious

Marvo 11 Comments

Just like beer and film noir, soy milk is an acquired taste. Those who drink it, do so for a variety of reasons. Some drink it because their lactose intolerant. Others drink it for soy’s health benefits or because they’re vegan. I drink it because a carton of it makes me look cool at the grocery store and it helps balance my vodka consumption.

Perhaps the most popular brand of soy milk is Silk. Recently I noticed that they came out with Silk Plus Fiber and Silk Plus Omega-3 DHA, each of which provides extra health benefits along with the usual benefits of eating soy products. I’ll only focus on the Silk Plus Fiber because “Silk Soy Milk + Omega-3 DHA = Crazy Nutritious” doesn’t flow very well as blog post title.

According to studies that I wasn’t asked to be a part of, most Americans only consume about half of the 25 grams of fiber per day recommended. If I was asked to participate in those studies, I would’ve easily brought the curve down, because apparently there is very little fiber in potato chips, energy drinks, and glazed donuts.

Silk Plus Fiber contains five grams of fiber per 8-ounce serving. which is five times more than regular Silk Soy Milk. Fiber in your diet is important because it helps with digestion, has been shown to lower your cholesterol, and I read somewhere on the internet that it also helps keep vampires away.

Of course, if I wanted to, I could drink an entire half-gallon carton and consume 40 grams of fiber in one sitting with a funnel and some tubing. But my prior experience of eating too many prunes in an hour has taught me that it definitely wouldn’t be a good idea. Unless I enjoy lounging in my bathroom with my pants around my ankles for an extended period of time that ends up with me forced to look at the same Crate & Barrel catalog over and over again.

[Site:] Silk Soy Plus

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger

Marvo 26 Comments

If the new Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger — which contains a grilled slice of Dole pineapple — becomes really popular, I fear that a particular sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea might not have a home to return to.

After trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger, I think SpongeBob SquarePants might just lose his home, because it’s a surprisingly good burger, which may cause the demand for pineapples to go up. Sure, it may not look very good in the picture above, but you know what they say, “Never judge a burger by the immigrant or high-school-aged minimum wage worker who made it.”

Despite how good it is, I can’t let SpongeBob lose his home, because if he has no home, he might end up coming out of the water and eventually find his way to my apartment on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

That would be totally uncool.

A visit from SpongeBob is just like a visit from your extremely racist grandma or non-deodorant wearing European cousin who sweats like a pig. After a little while, you REALLY want them to go.

I can just imagine what it would be like living with him. Sure, it would be fine if SpongeBob just sat quietly in front of the TV and watched the Food Network all day, but just like a drunk Mel Gibson, it’s hard for SpongeBob to not open his mouth and say something irritating or offensive. I think I’d also be irritated by his obnoxious voice or his laugh and I’m afraid of conversations that will go like this:

Marvo: I just bought a bag of chips, do you know where it is? I know you know, you spineless, leeching prick, because there are chip crumbs around your mouth.

SpongeBob: Those chips are apparently on your shoulder and not in my stomach. Daaaa! Daaaa! Daaaa!

He also seems like a messy kind of guy. I don’t want him to be leaving his SquarePants wherever he wants and I hope he doesn’t leave his underwear strewn all over the place, because I’m not touching his SquareTightyWhiteys or SquareThong.

Anyway, along with the grilled slice of pineapple, the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger also consists of a charbroiled all-beef patty, teriyaki sauce, swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, sliced red onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun. The idea of having a pineapple in a burger does sound disgusting, and I originally thought so too, but after trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger I found that the pineapple actually enhances the decent teriyaki sauce, giving it a good sweet and salty flavor.

With 660 calories, 61 grams of carbs, 34 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol and 1,070 milligrams of sodium, it’s a burger I don’t see myself eating on a daily basis, unless I’m trying to win the role of that fat fuck Sir John Falstaff in the community Shakespeare theater production of Henry IV.

The Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger is a little pricey and isn’t available throughout the country, so there probably won’t be a pineapple shortage anytime soon. However, if SpongeBob does end up at my apartment and irritates me, I’m definitely going to use his absorbent, yellow, porous ass to clean my kitchen counter with lots of elbow grease and Ajax.

(Editor’s Note: Phoood also enjoyed it. Read their review here.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger
Price: $6.29 (regular-sized meal)
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good burger. Pineapple and teriyaki sauce make a good sweet and salty combination. Lots of protein. Creative idea.
Cons: Small pineapple slice. Pricey, but isn’t everything from Carl’s Jr. Messy to eat. Lots of sodium. Lots of things that will make you fat. Living with SpongeBob SquarePants. Not available at sister company Hardee’s. Visits from your extremely racist grandma. SquareThong.