York Mints

Marvo 15 Comments

(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.)

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly crawl up into my body to get away from the doctor’s rough, cold fingers, I wonder if it really was necessary to take my temperature with a rectal thermometer.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I’m sitting with a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend in the middle of romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding her hands in mine and expressing my eternal love by whispering to her, “I love you dearly. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but now I think you’re even more beautiful. I love everything about you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. When I caress you, kiss you, or touch you, I feel only happiness that I never want to end. My soul is complete with you and I want to be with you forever.”

Then after pouring out my heart and soul, she says, “I’m leaving you because I’m a lesbian and I have you to thank for helping me realize that.”

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I wake up half naked in a bathtub of ice in an abandoned, cockroach-infested apartment and on a table next to the tub is an old Nokia cell phone with a half-charged battery and a note that has the carefully-written address of my location and the words, “We’ve taken one of your kidneys, call 911 immediately.”

All of this happened after meeting some dude with an Eastern European accent about a futon couch he was selling for $20 on Craigslist because he was moving to another city.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I kind of got gypped. I expected them to be typical breath-freshening mints, like Altoids or Certs, since they were placed on the same shelf as all the other mints and gums. However, they are mint candy dipped in dark chocolate with a mint shell. Basically, they’re York Peppermint Patties in the form of Sixlets-sized balls, which I wish my doctor would grope instead of mine. There were about 30-35 pieces in the shiny, attractive tin and three York Mints have ten calories, zero fat, and three grams of sugar.

So if you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll probably like York Mints. But if you’re looking for a mint to freshen your breath when you’re sitting with your attractive significant other in the middle of a romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding their hands in yours and expressing your undying love, I’d suggest getting some Altoids and then bracing yourself for the possibility that you’ve helped them come out of the closet.

Item: York Mints
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll like these. $20 for a futon couch. Craigslist. Zero fat. Pretty, shiny tin. Dark chocolate, albeit very little.
Cons: They’re minty candy, not breath-freshening mints. Getting a kidney removed without your approval. Un-gloved doctor’s hands. Anal thermometers.

NEWS: I Like My Method Bottles Like Flo Jo

Marvo 11 Comments

Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, I now feel your pain and truly understand when you said, “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”

The new Method Bloq line lacks the most noticeable attribute about Method cleaning products — their juicy, sexy curves. It’s the main reasons why I’m a Method fanboy and why when I hold one of those curvy Method bottles I feel a lot less lonely.

Being the semi-treehugger that I am, I also like Method cleaning products because they’re biodegradable, use recyclable packaging, and aren’t tested on animals.

I’m happy the Method Bloq line of body washes, bars of soap, body lotion, and shaving cream continues the Method tradition of being environmentally friendly, but disappointed that it breaks away from the stereotypical Method packaging by being flat like a table or anorexic, drug-addicted supermodel whose name starts with “K” and ends with “Ate Moss.”

Each product in the Bloq line comes in a variety of scents and prices range from $6 to $8.

[Site:] Method

NEWS: Bloom: Good Name for Women’s Energy Drink, Bad Name for Tampon

Marvo 7 Comments

Just like the disparity of women in the corporate world, there is an equal disparity with the number of energy drinks for women. I could grab an M-80 firecracker, light it, let it blow up in my hand, and still have more than enough fingers to count the number of energy drinks I know of that are marketed to women. There’s Tab Energy, Go Girl Energy, and now the Del Monte Bloom Energy Drink.

It comes in three flavors: mango passionfruit, wild berry, and cran raspberry. Bloom Energy consists of 50% fruit juice and provides 100% of your daily allowances of Vitamin C, Riboflavin, Vitamin B12, and Vitamin B6. Each can also contains antioxidants, a little calcium, ginseng, and 75 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine from white tea.

If Del Monte is smart they would make sure that Paris Hilton DOESN’T have one of these in her hands when she comes out of jail, because as I’ve my friend’s have seen from her sex tape, she doesn’t know how to handle long, hard objects very well.

[Via:] The Morning Cup
[Site:] www.drinkbloomenergy.com

Smart Mouth Mouthwash

Marvo 12 Comments

Yo mama is so skinny that when she walks into a Curves all the ladies give her a look that says, “What the fuck you doin’ in here skinny bitch?!?”

Ever since I’ve started using Smart Mouth mouthwash, my ability to produce quality Yo Mama snaps has significantly gone down. You would think with a name like Smart Mouth it would actually improve my Yo Mama insults, but unfortunately that’s not the case.

Instead I’ve been spitting out Yo Mama compliments and I’ve been losing Yo Mama battles with friends, family, co-workers, and random little kids on the playground. How am I supposed to prove how bad ass I am when I’m coming up with lines like:

Yo mama is so beautiful that when she’s at a beach in her bikini all the creepy voyeuristic photographers there only pay attention to her.

This is not helping my street cred or my chances of getting on the MTV show Yo Mamma. I would stop using the Smart Mouth mouthwash to get my Yo Mama snaps quality back to normal, but it actually does a very good job of freshening breath with its “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology.”

Maybe if I think really hard and put a constipated looked on my face to make me look like I’m thinking hard, I might just be able to come up with a decent Yo Mama insult.

Yo mama’s breath smells so good that I totally want to invade her personal space, marry her, and eventually adopt you.

Damn!

Smart Mouth works much like the chemical bomb in the movie “Die Hard with a Vengeance,” which involves two separate liquids that are pretty much harmless individually, but when mixed together they can do some damage.

Each box of Smart Mouth mouthwash contains two separate solution pump bottles and a mixing cup. According to the box, mix four pumps from each bottle of solution into the mixing cup. Then rinse vigorously with the mild, minty mixture for 30-60 seconds, gargle and spit out. Repeat every morning and night.

Of course, those 30-60 seconds do increase the time of my morning ritual.

The box also did say it contained a 15 day supply, but just like a Sting tantric sex romp, it surprisingly lasted longer than expected. The 8-ounce bottles provided enough solution for four weeks of me vigorously rinsing every morning and night. If it did only last 15 days, the $12.49 I spent on it wouldn’t have been worth it. Although, now that I think about it, it’s still kind of pricey for a four week supply, since a year’s worth will be about $150.

I guess I could go back to selling my body to pleasure middle-aged female Japanese tourists to pay for it, but that might take awhile, since I’m a very cheap male prostitute.

The Smart Mouth mouthwash did freshen my breath and make me feel more confident about myself. Smart Mouth also claims their mouthwash can help with morning breath and thanks to my hot hairstylist and an early morning appointment, I found out that it did help, but not completely, which slightly irritated my hot hairstylist, who did not expect me to come to my appointment without brushing my teeth.

Beside my inability to come up with Yo Mama insults, the Smart Mouth mouthwash temporarily made my mouth feel dry, but that’s probably the “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology” doing its job. But perhaps it’s doing its job a little too well, affecting my Yo Mama abilities.

Yo mama is so young that every time she buys wine, the cashier has to card her, gets surprised by her age, and then asks her what’s her secret to looking so young.

Nope, that sucked!

Yo mama is so smart that after winning a million dollars on the game show Who Wants to be a Millionaire, she decided to get a master’s in business administration and go to law school at the same time.

Damn you, “Clinically Proven Zinc Ion Technology!”

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Domokun for letting me know about Smart Mouth last year. Thanks to Melissa for reminding me about Smart Mouth this year.)

Item: Smart Mouth Mouthwash
Price: $12.49
Purchased at: The-Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Helps freshen breath. Kind of helps with morning breath. Mixture is mild, since it’s alcohol-free. Bottles lasted significantly longer than what was said on the box.
Cons: Pricey. Possibly having to sell my body to pay for it. Caused me to lose my ability to come up with Yo Mama insults. Increases the length of my morning ritual. Hurts my street cred.

Putting the “ew” in product reviews AND news

Marvo 13 Comments

Today, The Impulsive Buy is going through a little change. Don’t worry, TIB is keeping its balls.

All of you come here to read product reviews and to occasionally find out if I’ve gotten laid, which by the way, I’m still working on.

Every month, I try a variety of products, but not all of them get reviewed. I also see a lot of new products on the shelves that I’d like to pick up, but never end up buying due to lack of money or because it would seem weird to buy the new Playtex Sport Tampon when I personally can’t do a thorough review of it due to being short one orifice.

So I’ve decided to not only do product reviews, but to also branch out into product news, letting you readers know about the latest products out there in the typical TIB style. The posts won’t be very long, but hopefully there will be several posts every week, because there is a shitload of products out there that you may or may not know about, like the new Playtex Sport Tampon.

The products in these news posts may or may not be reviewed later on, but the whole point of the post is to let you know about it, because some of you out there might be looking for a sport tampon with 360 degrees of coverage, which is perfect for game time or any time.

Many of you contribute to TIB in a variety of ways, like leaving a comment, participating in prize drawings, suggesting products to review, and asking me if I can help with your school project, which allows me to relive my college years vicariously through you. Now that TIB is moving into the news territory, all of you can help TIB and your fellow readers by letting me know about the new products you see out in stores.

So look for these new news posts starting this week and remember, there’s a new Playtex Sport Tampon.