REVIEW: Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches (Sausage and Bacon)

Reprobate 17 Comments

I’ll admit it: I enjoyed the original Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers when I was a little brat. All those “teenagers” working together to kick some ass was just awesome, even if Lord Zedd was just a Shredder/Krang rip-off. And come on, who doesn’t like giant fucking robots, even if it looked like it was colored by a blind toddler? Now let’s all enjoy a flashback to a time when the Easy Bake Oven still used a pansy-assed light bulb to cook batter.

(Author’s Note: For some reason, the people who own the rights to the series are being tightwads and have prohibited YouTube from allowing embedded videos of Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. Therefore, you’ll have to relive a cherished childhood memory you promised yourself you’d stay the hell away from. Go ahead. I’ll wait until the sobbing stops.)

What exactly does a cheesy live-action martial arts TV show have to do with the Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches? Did I lose my mind after watching Aphex Twin’s video for “Windowlicker” one too many times? Did I ironically skip my breakfast when I wrote this review?

(Author’s Note: No, I did not lose my mind; you can’t lose it if you’ve already lost it by getting your Mr. Bean bobble-head get to 3rd base with your sister’s Barbie!)

It’s the concept of the team, of course. The best teams have what is clearly the cream of the crop…or those who carry the team. In this case, it’s the Red and Green/White ranger. I’ll be honest, when me and my friends played Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, all three of us wanted to be the Red Ranger. The problem wasn’t that there were three Red Rangers (we were clones or triplets, or some equally ridiculous soap-opera explanation), it was that we only had two Red Ranger belt buckles and a Pink Ranger one. I always ended up with the Pink Ranger belt buckle. Speaking of the Pink Ranger, the best teams always had their weak links — people who were utterly useless (I’m looking at you too, Yellow Ranger!), through no fault of their own. Eh, who am I kidding? It’s their damn fault. Then there’s everyone else; neither leader nor loser nor awesome. They just manage not to suck as bad as the weak links.

That’s basically what the Panera’s breakfast sandwich is to me. It’s a pretty good sandwich that manages to stay above the crowd despite a mismatch of ingredients. The obvious star of this team is the ciabatta bread itself, which is not exactly a surprise since it’s sold by Panera Bread. It tastes great and is pretty soft inside with a relatively crusty exterior. It’s so good that I can overlook the fact that the rest of the ingredients aren’t large enough to match the size of the bread pieces, making it seem like a gyp. The weak link of the sandwich would have to be the egg; it’s almost as if it’s not even there. The whites are almost watery in taste and the yolks are fairly dry.

If you get the applewood-smoked bacon version of this sandwich, it’s also disappointing. You get three shriveled pieces that make you think, “What the fuck, I paid $3.50 for this? Fuck you and your mysterious smell-blocking glass sneeze guard.”

The white Vermont cheddar cheese is an average addition to the sandwich; sharp and overwhelms almost everything in the sandwich, but it’s a nice addition to the bread. The sausage patty version is not bad. It’s certainly a little thin for the price, but I don’t feel as ripped off as I do when I buy the bacon version and it’s not greasy.

The sandwich, as a whole, manages to work well and goes down pretty light. It’s the perfect breakfast for getting the energy to do some Kung Fu fighting or playing Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers with your friends.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Bacon – 510 calories, 24 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 215 milligrams of cholesterol, 1060 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 28 grams of protein. Sausage – 540 calories, 27 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 220 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Panera Bread Breakfast Sandwiches (Sausage and Bacon)

Price: $3.49 (with meat)
Size: 7.5 ounces
Purchased at: Panera Bread
Rating: 8 out of 10 (sausage)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (bacon)
Pros: Awesome bread. Overall good sandwich. Light. Giant fucking robots. Aphex Twin’s “Windowlicker.” Mr. Bean getting some love. Red/White/Green Ranger.
Cons: Non-existent egg. Pricey. Lord Zedd. Terrible color scheme for giant fucking robot. Pansy assed light bulb. Yellow/Pink Ranger. Kung Fu doesn’t work.

REVIEW: Post Dino S’mores Pebbles

Marvo 16 Comments

I think the Post Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal was created by Fred Flintstone so that there’s a Pebbles cereal Barney could steal from Fred that wouldn’t get him upset and yell, “Barney, my Pebbles.” I believe my theory is correct because this cereal is extremely bland and is something Fred wouldn’t care about if it got stolen. It’s like Post took everything that was great about Cocoa Pebbles and instead of sticking it into this cereal, they shoved it down a snaggle-toothed pig garbage disposal. I don’t know why Dino would want his name associated with this product because it’s something that he would either bury in the backyard and forget about or squeeze out as a steaming pile of poop.

I was hoping the marshmallowy boulders, graham bone shapes, and crunchy chocolatey nuggets would create a s’mores flavor that would take me back to my Boy Scout camp days when we would take showers as one big naked group, wear shorts with an inseam that would make Daisy Duke wearers blush, spray enough mosquito repellant on our bodies to ensure future sterilization, and sit around the campfire building the perfect s’more that was made up of one-third of a Hershey’s bar, with one well-done giant marshmallow, and in between two Honey Maid graham crackers. Unfortunately, the three parts of the Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal couldn’t bring back those memories because those three combined did not taste anything resembling s’mores. If I was at a camp that had s’mores that tasted like this cereal, I would cry like a baby, call for my mommy, and pee in my pants to ensure I would be sent home.

The chocolatey nuggets were not even close to being as chocolatey as Cocoa Pebbles or Cocoa Krispies. The marshmallow boulders and graham bone shapes weren’t very plentiful in the cereal. If you were a microorganism, the marshmallow boulders would actually seem like a large rocks that have the capacity to flatten you, but the small freeze-dried marshmallows that come in hot chocolate packets made the marshmallows in this cereal seem like specks of dirt.

S’mores are supposed to be delicious and messy. Sure, during Boy Scout camp I later regretting eating a dozen of them in one sitting while pooping into a hole in the ground, but while I was eating them, that sugar bomb tasted like a warm hug in my mouth. The Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal is more like a towel whip to the ass in the group shower.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cups – 100 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 9 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Post Dino S’mores Pebbles
Price: $4.99
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Vitamins and minerals. Actual s’mores.
Cons: Boring, bland. Tastes nothing like s’mores. Not chocolatey. Marshmallow boulders are small. Marshmallow boulders and graham bone shapes aren’t very plentiful. Group showers. Old Boy Scout uniforms. Pooping into a hole in the ground. A towel whip to the ass in the group shower.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Have Carl’s Jr. Coupons

Marvo 63 Comments

I have four coupons for a free Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito that I would like to give away to four lucky readers. Unfortunately, Carl’s Jr. doesn’t have locations across the United States, so this prize drawing is limited to those who are in states and countries that have a Carl’s Jr. To find out if you have a Carl’s Jr. near you, visit their website.

I apologize to those who don’t live near a Carl’s Jr., but keep an eye out for another prize drawing TIB will be holding soon.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Saturday, November 22, 2008 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it is only open to those 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails about a Kenyan prince who needs money to get his fortune back. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about State Farm Insurance is better than your current insurance. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or not having a Carl’s Jr. near you.

Get A Meal That Has The Nutritional Value of Three With Taco Bell’s Fully Loaded Nachos

Marvo 15 Comments

With 1390 calories, 83 grams of fat, 17 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat, and 2190 milligrams of sodium, Taco Bell’s new Fully Loaded Nachos looks like it’s meant for two people or one person who just doesn’t give a damn. It’s made up of twice the seasoned beef than their Nachos Bell Grande, fiesta sauce, guacamole, sour cream, hearty beans, a three-cheese blend, nacho cheese sauce, and tortilla chips inside a tortilla chip bowl. As you can see from the picture above, it basically looks like a taco salad without the annoyance of lettuce. It’s available for a limited time.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito

Marvo 19 Comments

The Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito is meant for the daring. It’s made for women who are willing to dance with the guy in the corner wearing sunglasses at night, with two popped collars, and clubgoers always form a large circle around him, not because he needs space to break out his dance moves, but because he has poor personal hygiene. It’s made for men who have the huge brass cojones to write a heart-warming sonnet that uses the Shakespearean rhyme scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG to proclaim their love for combing the manes of their My Little Ponies. It’s made for the small dogs who go up to significantly bigger dogs and bark the words, “You are my bitch.”

This breakfast burrito is only meant for the audacious diner because its ingredients list makes the KFC Famous Bowl seem a little less famous, like going from Alec Baldwin to Daniel Baldwin, and its nutritional values would make a doctor’s heart skip a beat. The cavalcade of ingredients not only consists of the trifecta of pig products — sausage, ham, and bacon — it also has scrambled eggs, hash brown nuggets, shredded jack cheese, shredded cheddar cheese, and white sausage gravy in a flour tortilla. It’s like they took George Orwell’s Animal Farm, wrapped it in tortilla, and scraped out the equines and communism.

With all of those ingredients, I was thinking some would overwhelm others, like normal people being stuffed in a room with Robin Williams clones, and it turns out that I was correct. All I could taste was the egg, tortilla, ham, and sausage gravy, although the white gravy was a little weak, making biscuits everywhere cry a little. I was hoping there would be a strong sausage and bacon flavor, but I guess ham is the Highlander and there can only be one in this breakfast burrito. The hash browns were soggy to the point where its texture was as soft as the eggs, so it didn’t add any crunch to it. Perhaps if I ate it in the restaurant instead of eating it ten minutes later in the comfort of my love shack, the hash brown would’ve still been crunchy. Despite not being able to taste all of the ingredients, it was decent as a ham and egg burrito, plus it had a nice heft to it, but I probably wouldn’t order it again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burrito – 770 calories, 47 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 495 milligrams of cholesterol, 1530 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar, 6 grams of dietary fiber, and 31 grams of protein.)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Big Country Breakfast Burrito
Price: FREE (with coupon from PR peeps)
Size: 308 grams
Purchased at: Carls’ Jr.
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Meant for the daring eater. Decent tasting as a ham and egg burrito, since that most of what I could taste.. High in protein. Six grams of dietary fiber. George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
Cons: Couldn’t taste sausage and bacon. Sausage gravy was a little weak. Hash brown were soggy. High in sodium and saturated fat. Being in a room filled with Robin Williams clones.