The Impulsive Buy

  • REVIEW: Joose Mamba JOOSE

    Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Boone’s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.

    The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and I’m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparks’ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesn’t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage we’re dealing with here, and I’m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, you’ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.

    The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (don’t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I can’t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.

    Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Let’s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Ol’ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or they’ll take them off of the shelves. I’m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.

    I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillin’ some old school malt liquor, especially if I’m pregaming. I’m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because there’s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.

    If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.

    (NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)

    Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE
    Price: $2.50
    Size: 23.5 ounces
    Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory
    Rating: 6 out of 10
    Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartman’s version of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. More than one flavor available.
    Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Boone’s Farm. Doesn’t have the street cred like Ol’ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.

  • So…Um…Yeah…TIB Version 4.0. Or It Could Be 5.0. I Lost Track.

    Welcome to the new Impulsive Buy!

    Who knew being pissed off at people would make me want to change the look of TIB? Off and on for the past 48 hours I’ve been tweaking a premade WordPress theme to my liking, because I’m too poor to afford a WordPress theme designer. I like the way it turned out, although for the past two hours I’ve been trying to fix some strange bug that wouldn’t show the comments. It made me kind of crazy and cry a little, although it’s been awhile since I’ve shouted all seven words you can never say on television within 60 seconds.

    Everything seems to look good in Firefox, Safari and Chrome. If things look weird in your browser, please let me know. Unless you have Internet Explorer 6, if you do, I’d recommend upgrading to IE7, Firefox or one of the many other browsers better than IE6.

    So what’s new besides the look?

    The ability to reply to other comments. I enjoy replying to comments and I know some of you do too, so now it’s easier without having to go “@so and so.”

    It’s now easier to share posts on Facebook, Twitter and Digg. On the main page, there’s the ShareThis button, and on each post page there are individual icons for your favorite social media sites.

    You can also easily access TIB’s Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, YouTube and iTunes pages.

    Um…I think that’s it.

    I hope you folks like the new look.

  • ANNOUNCEMENT: Season of Giving Prize Drawing Winners Announced!!!

    Here are the winners of the Season of Giving Prize Drawing.

    Comment #19 DantheApe (Poop Toothpaste)

    Comment #27 NobleArc (Bunny Ears Cap)

    Comment #50 Meredith (TerraCycle Speakers)

    Congratulations to the winners!

    Also, thank you to everyone who entered the drawing. Be on the lookout for more prize drawings in the future.

  • REVIEW: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks

    Thank goodness for carnivals and circuses.

    They give us the opportunity to consume foods we normal wouldn’t eat anywhere else, like cotton candy; something deep fried that shouldn’t have been, like a Snickers, Oreo or Twinkie; and you can eat funnel cake, which has a shape and look that makes it appear to be poop that got snowed on.

    Carnivals also allow you to upchuck those foods, thanks to rides with names like “The Zipper,” “Gravitron,” “Twister,” “Tilt-A-Whirl” and the appropriately named, “Vomit Comet.”

    Like beauty and the fame from being the first person booted off of a reality show, getting to enjoy carnival food is fleeting, unless you’re a carny or follow the carnival from town to town, sort of like an overweight Deadhead, except a carnival follower’s munchies aren’t caused by smoking weed.

    Sure you could make your own funnel cake, but you know it won’t be as good as the stuff at the carnival, because you lack carny magic. If you’re hoping the new Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks are a good substitute for carnival funnel cake, think again…or think about growing a long beard, if you’re a woman, or working on your throwing accuracy with knives so that you can have your own tent to show off your freakish beard or pinpoint knife flinging.

    The BK Funnel Cake Sticks come with nine pieces and a container of white icing dipping sauce. Each stick is 3.5 inches long, is covered in powdered sugar and has almost the same consistency as Burger King french fries — a slightly crunchy outside and soft inside.

    The funnel cake sticks without the icing didn’t have much flavor, unless you count greasiness and my salty tears of disappointment. It didn’t remind me of funnel cake, instead it reminded me that I don’t really care for what Burger King produces in deep fried stick form, like their french fries and Chicken Fries.

    Not even the container of icing helped make it sweeter and taste better because it just couldn’t subdue the greasiness. Adding more sugar might improve it. Or maybe casting some carny magic.

    (Nutrition Facts – 9 sticks – 300 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 30 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

    Item: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks
    Price: $2.49
    Size: 9 sticks
    Purchased at: Burger King
    Rating: 3 out of 10
    Pros: Comes with 9 sticks. Crunchy outside, soft inside. No trans fat. Comes in a convenient box that hold the sticks and dipping icing. Carnival rides. Carny magic.
    Cons: Really greasy flavor. Didn’t remind me of funnel cake. Icing didn’t help with the greasy flavor. The Vomit Comet. How quickly people forget the first person kicked off of a reality show. Fried Twinkie/Oreo/Snickers. Carnival rides after eating carnival food.

  • REVIEW: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast

    Even before you have your second round of Thanksgiving leftovers, the flavor of the season changes. Pumpkin makes a graceful exit and peppermint takes over. I’m a pumpkin fan, but how can you not like a flavor that’s able to mask the boozy smell of cheap vodka and settle your stomach after a tray of gingerbread cookies at the office holiday party (or “special” brownies if you’re employed by High Times).

    The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast gets into the spirit of the season without having to fight off overweight moms at superstores trying to get the hottest toy of the season, or without having to sit on the lap of a questionable man in a Santa suit. The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast’s color scheme is like a traditional candy cane, however the candy on top of it, which gives it its “holiday personality,” aren’t crushed candy canes, they’re little pieces of Andes Peppermint Crunch.

    Although it appears like this dessert isn’t packing a lot of crunchy pieces, it’s what’s inside that counts. Chock-full of candy pieces swirled around delicately flavored peppermint soft serve and whipped topping (I know that sounds like a line of bullshit fast food restaurants use to describe their subpar food, but the Holiday Mint Blast can be described in such a flowery manner), the Holiday Mint Blast is a great treat that tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

    The “whipped topping” is a little bit too much; the first five spoonfuls are the just the topping and a few crunchy pieces. Even though looking like a candy cane can be festive, I wish they tossed some green in it. Put a dash of food coloring in the mix and BAM it oozes even more holiday spirit. But if you work at the High Times, I’m sure you can add your own green later.

    The Sonic Holiday Blast is a deal at $2.99 for a regular, especially for those slightly skinny Santas out there who need to pack on the pounds quickly so they can fill out their red suits. Unfortunately, if it becomes a staple of their diet, they won’t be able to fit into their civilian clothes once the season is over.

    (Nutrition Facts – Regular size – 695 calories, 28.7 grams of fat, 20.9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 62 milligrams of cholesterol, 187 milligrams of sodium, 102 grams of carbohydrates, 93 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, 7 grams of protein, 11% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

    Item: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast
    Price: $2.99
    Size: Regular
    Purchased at: Sonic
    Rating: 8 out of 10
    Pros: Plenty of wonderful Andes Peppermint Crunch. Peppermint flavor doesn’t get sickening. Oozing holiday spirit. Regular is large enough for two servings.
    Cons: Skinny Santas. Loaded with fat, cholesterol, trans fats etc. etc. Green color isn’t added to the mix. Getting work done at the magazine High Times.