REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Churros

Marvo 22 Comments

Mmm…churros.

They’re a staple at carnivals, amusement parks, sports stadiums, movie theaters, Renaissance Fairs, Civil War battle reenactments, and underground cockfights. But now you can get them any time you want, without having to pay admission, dress up in clothing with poofy shoulders, or choose whether you’re a part of the Union or Confederacy, just as long as you have a Jack in the Box nearby.

The Jack in the Box Mini Churros are shaped like most churros — they look like something that comes out of a Play-Doh fun factory, except it doesn’t come in psychedelic colors that makes the hippies say “whoa” and the little kiddies scream. You can get them in either five or ten bite-sized pieces. I purchased the five-piece one, which was reasonably priced and, when combined, seemed to equal a regular-length churro.

The churros may look like shorter versions of the ones you eat after flashing your boobs on Disneyland’s Splash Mountain, but instead of the traditional sprinkling of the sugar and cinnamon on the churro, the mini churros are injected with a cinnamon and sugar filling.

The cinnamon and sugar on a regular churro you got after taking a spin on the gravity machine at the county fair is there to cover the greasy taste of the fried dough, but the cinnamon and sugar filling in the Jack in the Box Mini Churros wasn’t very successful with masking the oily taste. There’s a hint of cinnamon and sugar, but since it appears everything was dipped in oil, the sweet flavors hardly survived after being fried. The only good thing about them being fried is that they’re crunchy, but then again, everything that’s fried is crunchy.

It’s hard to believe it’s taken this long for one of the big fast food chains to deliver their own version of the deep-fried pastry, after all if there’s any group that’s known for their deep-frying, it’s fast food chains…and people with really crispy turkeys on Thanksgiving. I’m surprised Taco Bell didn’t come out with a churro before everyone else, since they’re number one in fake-Mexican fast food. Yes, I know they have cinnamon twists, but why don’t call them churros? Maybe churros are just too authentic for them.

Since I didn’t really care for the Jack in the Box Mini Churros, I guess I must continue getting my deep-fried cinnamon and sugar pastries at underground cockfights. I just hope I don’t say the wrong password before I enter.

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Churros
Price: $1.49 ($1.00 in the rest of the US)
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced. Crunchy. Bite-sized. Play-Doh.
Cons: Greasy-tasting. Not very sugary or cinnamon-y. Sugar and cinnamon are injected in filling form, instead of being sprinkled on. Getting churros at underground cockfights. Saying the wrong password at a cockfight.

Dog Poop Herbal Toothpaste Winners Announced!!!

Marvo 7 Comments

There are a whole bunch of you who didn’t win the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste from Thailand and are probably disappointed about that. But think of all the gagging you would’ve gone through if you had won. Think about the brown paste coming out of the tube and occasionally making farting sounds. Imagine your face grimacing from the strong herbal, dirt flavor.

Although you may not have to experience any of the above, two TIB readers do and they are:

Comment #32 – cjwsbg
Comment #65 – shNermal

Each winner will receive a tube of the Twin Lotus Herbal Toothpaste, which they can use to either brush their teeth or use for whatever evil plot they have in mind for those who have crossed them.

Congratulations to the “winners” and thanks to everyone who participated!

Oral-B Indicator Floss

Marvo 14 Comments

According to the Oral-B Indicator Floss’ packaging:

BLUE FLOSS effectively removes and reveals plaque. La SOIE DENTAIRE BLEUE enleve et revele la plaque de facon efficace.

I’m not sure why blue floss is more effective than other colored floss when it comes to revealing and removing plaque, because I’ve used green and red floss and they do just fine, although I do have plaque that is as bountiful as a container of tartar sauce from Long John Silver’s, so it’s really easy to see and remove my plaque. But I guess since red attracts bulls and green attracts one-legged golddiggers, then blue should attract something too.

Like many people, I floss my teeth daily whenever I expect to make out with someone weekly whenever chicken gets stuck between my teeth the day before my dentist appointment less than I should, but there isn’t anything special about the Oral-B Indicator Floss that will cause me to change my oral hygiene habits. Even if it was made out of gold or had some kind of cross-promotion with High School Musical 3, it wouldn’t do much good to get people, like me, to floss more often. The only things this floss has to offer is a mild minty flavor, it’s easy to insert between teeth, it’s fray-resistant, and it can bring a smile to your dentist’s face if you use it more than once a week.

The Oral-B Indicator Floss does what it’s supposed to do — get rid of the plaque in between your teeth and below your gumline. The blue color does make it easier to see the gunk you’re removing and harder to see the blood from gums that aren’t used to flossing, but again, I’ve used cheaper red and green floss that does both things just as well.

Item: Oral-B Indicator Floss
Price: $2.47
Size: 50 m/55 yd
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It removes plaque. It’s minty flavored. It’s blue. Includes French translation on packaging. Easy to insert between teeth. Fray-resistant.
Cons: Kind of pricey for floss. Can get the same job done with other colored floss. The amount of plaque on my teeth. Nothing special that will make me want to floss more often. My poor flossing habits. High School Musical 3. Heather Mills. Bleeding gums.

REVIEW: Subway Chicken Pizziola

Reprobate 28 Comments

Ah…Subway, the only chain restaurant publicly endorsed by a formerly fat guy. I especially love their new marketing gimmick advertising the $5 footlong where everyone shows five fingers and then parts their hands about a foot apart. But I think that we all know what that “foot long” really represents: the male wang. And is it mere coincidence that the average wang is around 5 inches? I think not and I’m damn proud to say I have an average phallus. But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola sub supposedly fuses the awesome powers of chicken and pizza flavors. Of course, when you consider that Subway uses bland chicken and isn’t a pizza shop whatsoever, well, expectations fall flatter than a flaccid wang. It also doesn’t help that the full 12 inches is packing enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and has 32 grams of fat, which is probably why Jared isn’t anywhere near this sandwich. God bless his tiny little khakis.

This toasted sandwich comes standard with one of their breads, chicken, pepperoni slices, a cheese, and a marinara sauce as well as any extra toppings. I had mine outfitted with black olives, green peppers, and red onions. The marinara sauce was a little too sweet and overpowering, dominating the bland chicken and weak pepperoni slices. The fact that its papery condom came with red oily streaks is also a bit of a downer. Still, the bread was decent (certainly better than the kind that comes with a twisty tie or a plastic toe tag) and retained its toasty crunch after a short transport from the Subway to my cubicle at work. The veggie add-ons also provided some crunch and kept some of their flavor, thanks to the cheese’s protective barrier. It also helps that this sandwich is big enough to silence a hungry sex machine with a real footlong and it’s only five bucks before taxes.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola is not a bad sandwich, but certainly not a good one either. I think I’ll stick with their chicken bacon ranch footlong as my default Subway sandwich for the time being, even if it’s packing enough fat to shrink my wang into the folds of my flesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 880 calories, 32 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of cholesterol, 3040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 61 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Chicken Pizziola
Price: $5.30
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big enough to satisfy a hungry sex machine. Being proud of having an average “footlong” Penis euphemisms. The awesome powers of pizza and chicken, tiny khakis, and sex machines. $5.
Cons: Male phallus conspiracies. Overpowering sweet tomato sauce. Bland chicken. Weak pepperoni. 3,040 milligrams of sodium. Flaccid and shrinking wangs.

Introducing…

Reprobate 14 Comments

A new writer premieres at The Impulsive Buy and takes it to new heights…of lows, that is.

I realize this opening smacks of cliché, but I couldn’t think of any other way to introduce myself as the new writer to this fine site.

Hi, I’m Reprobate, a fan of the site since 2006, and for the past year or so, regular contributor to the comments section. By the way, those of you who are die hard fans of this site may also recognize me as one of two winners of the Blue Hawaii Pepsi that was offered by this site. Jealous? No? Argh! But I digress.

Anyhoo, with the addition of me, The Impulsive Buy has finally gone coast to coast!
Well, almost. I’ve been a Michigan resident for the last 16 years, and I graduated from Michigan State this year with a degree in Mechanical Engineering. No, it’s not as impressive as it sounds; the crowning achievement of my scholastic career was to build a bike that broke after 15 minutes. Before that, I was a pretty good student who was one of those quiet guys. No, nothing like the Trench Coat Mafia. Just one of those guys who you never noticed or just dismissed. I’ve been on radio before, both in high school and college, which was fun. I’ve also passed through the annals of special education in my earlier years, and riding the small bus was fantastic. We get the best seats! I’ve also shaken my jiggly butt on high school TV before and one of my physics teachers nearly got arrested for bringing a rifle to school (it turned out to be a BB gun). Anyways, I think that’s enough about my checkered past. I don’t want to destroy my sterling reputation quite yet.

I hope that you guys will enjoy my reviews and maybe chuckle a few times. Feel free to compliment me or bash me in the comments, and we’ll see how it goes. Until then, love and peace! Oh, and please try not to spay or neuter your pets. If you have to, just leave one of the nuts.