Sarsi

Marvo 28 Comments

I’m a sucker for packaged foreign foods, like Mario is a sucker for gold coins and princesses who always get captured. It’s like I’m a less adventurous Anthony Bourdain, not willing to consume things that produces bodily fluids or things that are still alive.

I’m not sure why I get a kick out of packaged foreign foods. Perhaps it’s because they don’t have any English on them or because they’re measured in metric units or because I have a product review blog and am willing to stick almost anything into my mouth for reader approval. Whatever the reason, I was excited when I ran into this mysterious bottle of Sarsi at my local Filipino market in the refrigerated cases among the 20-ounce bottles of Pepsi and Coke.

At first, because it was stocked next to the cola juggernauts, I thought it was the Filipino equivalent of Pepsi and Coke, but after prying off the non-twist bottle cap and taking a sip of it, I was surprised to find out that it’s a root beer, albeit a flat tasting root beer that wasn’t very sweet.

According to Wikipedia, Sarsi is the number one root beer in the Philippines, outselling common American brands like Barq’s and Mug root beers. While the initial taste of Sarsi was like root beer, its aftertaste wasn’t as pleasant. If Barq’s Root Beer bites, then Sarsi grabs your hair, shoves your face into mud, and uses your tongue as a bulldozer. Its aftertaste was very earthy and it reminded me of the disgusting herbal toothpaste from Thailand I reviewed a few weeks ago.

I may not like the taste of Sarsi, but I do love the fact that it comes in a thick glass bottle that I can use to pretend I’m living in the 1950s with my leather jacket and pack of smokes rolled up in my t-shirt sleeve, and whenever the Sharks come by, I’ll shatter the bottle, turn it into shiv, and stab my own tongue with it, which would probably result in a taste in my mouth that is equal to or greater than Sarsi’s aftertaste. Although the bottle looks tall and would make a great shiv, it doesn’t hold a lot of liquid. If my metric conversion is correct, 240 mL is roughly around eight ounces, which is less than a can of soda, but my tongue can only tolerate those eight ounces of Sarsi.

Item: Sarsi
Price: $1.50
Size: 240 mL
Purchased at: A Filipino market
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: #1 root beer in the Philippines. No High Fructose Corn Syrup. Glass bottle makes a great shiv. Trying foreign products.
Cons: Flat root beer flavor. Not very sweet. Need a bottle opener or James Bond villain Jaws to open it. Only 240 mL. Aftertaste is earthy and is like shitty herbal toothpaste.

Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches (BBQ & Buffalo)

Marvo 22 Comments

Dipping a chicken patty into a sauce like you’re trying to get it to admit it’s a witch sounds like a great way to ensure there’s flavor in every bite, such is the case with the new Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches, but a sauce soaked piece of chicken is also a spectacular way to ruin an $80 shirt from Banana Republic or hide your mistress’ lipstick stain on your collar from your girlfriend/wife.

The Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwich comes in two flavors: BBQ and Buffalo. The BBQ version also consists of onions and pickles inside a bun, while the Buffalo version is also made up of lettuce, tomatoes, and a blue cheese sauce in between a bun. While both mostly have different ingredients, they have one thing in common — both are extremely fucking messy. After eating one, my hands were covered in enough sauce that it looked like I was the one who sensually massaged the sauce onto the chicken patty. A napkin was not enough to clean the mess, I needed a shower. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit, but I did use enough napkins to make an Ent cry.

The chicken patties for both sandwiches may have gotten dipped in sauce like a nerd’s head in a toilet, but the flavors weren’t as strong as I thought it would be. The BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and the Buffalo sauce wasn’t as spicy as Hooters wings. Although, the Buffalo sandwich might not have been too spicy because of the blue cheese sauce, which I didn’t even know it had until I researched the sandwich on the Wendy’s website. The pickles and onions in the BBQ version of the sandwich definitely enhanced its flavor and gave it a little more crunch, while the lettuce and tomatoes in the Buffalo one will allow some people to proclaim they had vegetables today.

Overall, both sandwiches were decent tasting, but I really expected more out of them, not only in taste, but also in size. These sandwiches weren’t very big, but I reckoned them to be because I paid almost five bucks for each of them. Apparently, not only is gas an expensive liquid, but so are BBQ and Buffalo sauces. So I guess I’d better hoard the stuff whenever I order Chicken McNuggets and scrape it off my $80 Banana Republic shirt whenever I spill some on it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Buffalo – 530 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 1840 milligrams of sodium, 510 milligrams of potassium, 52 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 26 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 10% Calcium, and 15% Iron. BBQ – 450 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 40 milligrams cholesterol, 1430 milligrams sodium, 450 milligrams potassium, 60 grams carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 15% Iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Flavor-Dipped Chicken Sandwiches (BBQ & Buffalo)
Price: $4.69 each
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 6 out of 10 (BBQ)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Buffalo)
Pros: Decent tasting. Lots of sauce. BBQ one is “healthier” than Buffalo version. Wonderful source of protein. Pickles and onions in BBQ version. Lettuce and tomatoes are vegetables.
Cons: Flavors weren’t as strong as I expected for something that’s dipped in sauce. BBQ sauce wasn’t very tangy and Buffalo sauce wasn’t very spicy. Blue cheese sauce wasn’t very noticeable. Pricey for what you get. Extremely fucking messy. Making Ents cry. Wonderful source of sodium. Ruining an $80 Banana Republic shirt with sauce. Excessive napkin use. Trying to get a piece of chicken to admit it’s a witch.

Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Oven Baked Sandwich

Ace 20 Comments

Good news for people who love the idea of delivered food but hate eating Domino’s pizza! These oven-baked sandwiches are actually pretty tasty for something that comes from a nationwide pizza chain. That probably isn’t say much considering most new products from these companies usually involve various varieties of pizza dipped in ranch dressing, but these sandwiches most likely pack enough flavor and heft to satisfy you.

Domino’s has been pushing these sandwiches for a while because they want to compete with Subway for your lunch-time dollars. They have even gone as far as to set up taste tests to see if they can compete with Subway’s fresh flavors. They thoroughly kick Subway’s ass in these surveys, but that’s not a great accomplishment when Subway uses processed chicken and Domino’s sandwiches are basically made from bacon and lard. It would take Jared another thousand Veggie Delites to burn the calories from a month of eating these babies. That’s what we call a “mismatch,” folks.

But I suppose if you’re ordering from Domino’s, you really don’t mind a little grease dripping from your sandwich. Hell, that’s how you know it’s good! I ordered the Philly Cheese Steak one and intently watched Domino’s Online Pizza Tracker as it baked in a 450-degree oven. When it arrived, I took note of the grease spots surrounding the box and its impressive-but-won’t-scare-the-ladies 8-inch length.

I bit into the “thick and crispy artisan bread,” which tasted like a cross between Ciabatta bread on the outside and pizza dough on the inside. It wasn’t bad and held up pretty well through the delivery process even if it’s nothing like a real Philly cheese steak roll. The steak wasn’t piled as high as I would have liked, but it was real steak topped with nicely melted provolone cheese and a random smattering of peppers and onions.

I must say that it’s pretty much the farthest thing away from authentic that I can think of. It’s still nonetheless a tasty steak sandwich that filled me up. I can’t really stand eating Domino’s pizza, so this is a good alternative to order when I have cheap friends over who enjoy their 5-5-5 Deal. A ringing endorsement if there ever was one!

(Nutritional Facts – 1 sub – 690 calories, 250 calories from fat, 27 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 90 mg of cholesterol, 2080 mg of sodium, 72 grams of carbs, 41 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, 50% Calcium, and 15% iron)

Item: Domino’s Philly Cheese Steak Oven Baked Sandwich
Price: $4.99
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Real, unprocessed slices of steak. Bread doesn’t get soggy after being delivered. Cheese and toppings are nicely melted. Much better than Domino’s actual pizza.
Cons: It’s going to make you feel fat. Meat isn’t really piled that high. Doesn’t taste like a real cheese steak. Can be pricey once delivery + tip are taken into account.

REVIEW: Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts

Marvo 19 Comments

Thank goodness I don’t have to regress in age to enjoy these Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts, because if did and wasn’t able to return to my normal 32-year-old self, I don’t know who would potty train me, fill my sippy cup, and scold me for my “terrible twos” temper tantrums.

The Yogurt Melts are shaped like little Barbie pink piles of dog poop and consists of 99% real yogurt and fruit in a freeze-dried form, which makes it easy for little ones to chew, swallow, and throw it back at you during one of their temper tantrums that makes you wish for a very slight moment that you had used some form of birth control during that sexual romp in the living room after watching an episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson on the Oxygen Network. Like most regular yogurt and multi-ethnic areas, like San Francisco and New York City, these contain a variety of live and active cultures, which help with digestion and overall health.

If you’ve had strawberry yogurt in your life, then you’ll have an idea of what these Yogurt Melts taste like. They also had the same taste and texture as strawberry astronaut freeze-dried ice cream, so you probably won’t need to go to a planetarium or space museum if you’re jonesing for strawberry astronaut ice cream after smoking a fat bowl and watching Harold and Kumar achieve their goal of getting White Castle. I personally enjoyed the taste of the Yogurt Melts and the feeling of them dissolving in my mouth. They’re quite addictive and I’m surprised I didn’t eat the whole bag in one sitting.

One thing I didn’t like about the Strawberry Yogurt Melts is that when I chewed on them, they stuck to the contours on the top of my back teeth, which made it feel like I had foam fillings. I could’ve just let them melt away, but that took too long, so I instead used my fingernails to dislodge the melted freeze-dried snack from my teeth. Another thing I didn’t like about it was its price, which seemed kind of high for something in this size. But I guess if it’s for the future citizens of our planet, whose taxes will help take care of my medical insurance and whose job it will be to change my adult diapers when I’m 106 years old, it’s probably worth it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/4 cup – 30 calories, 0 g of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 15 mg of sodium, 50 mg of potassium, 5 g of carbohydrates, 0 g of dietary fiber, 4 g of sugar, 1 g of protein, 0% vitamin C, 0% vitamin A, 0% iron, 4% calcium, and possibly 30 seconds of quiet time with the toddler while they chew on them.)

Item: Gerber Graduates For Toddlers Strawberry Yogurt Melts
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like strawberry yogurt. 99% real yogurt and fruit. Contains live and active cultures. Easy to chew and swallow. Reminded me of strawberry astronaut ice cream. Kind of addictive. Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. I liked the feeling of them dissolving in my mouth.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Doesn’t seem like you get a lot for what you pay for. Gets stuck to teeth. Looked like little Barbie pink piles of poop. The “terrible twos.” An adult eating toddler food.

Tahitian Tamure Tava

Marvo 22 Comments

The Tahitian Tamure Tava (pronounced ta-MOOR-ay) is quite possibly the greatest beverage in the world that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. It’s the greatest because it is the ONLY beverage that contains a three-word alliteration in its name. Achieving that level wouldn’t have been possible if it weren’t for the marketing minds who came up with the made-up name “Tava,” which they define as, “to evoke feelings of possibility and discovery.”

It’s been around for almost a year, but I’m guessing most of you probably haven’t heard about Tava, since its makers, Pepsi, is only promoting the beverage online via word of mouth. That sounds like a great idea, but according to the original press release for Tava the beverage is targeted towards the 35-49 age group, so they’re asking a group which consists of some of the least technologically-savvy people in the country to promote Tava over the internets.

Good luck with that, Pepsi. I’m surprised these are still in stores.

Although it’s in a energy drink-shaped can, there isn’t anything energetic about it. There’s nothing in it to wake you up: no caffeine, no carbohydrates, no sugars, and no nagging mother yelling that you’ll be late for school. Even its tropical berry blend, which tasted more like fruit punch, was as weak as my attempts to earn the Presidential Physical Fitness Award in middle school.

Fucking shuttle run.

When it’s chilled, the Tahitian Tamure Tava tastes decent, but give it a chance to warm up, the artificial sweeteners stick out, like nipples on a cold, windy day under a thin, but soft, American Apparel t-shirt. Since it’s a zero-calorie beverage and contains artificial sweeteners, it’s safe to assume that the carbonated Tava is a diet soda. What I’m not sure of are the reasons why they added scant amounts vitamin D, niacin, vitamin B6, and chromium to it. If they’re going to add vitamins and minerals, they should make it worth our while or else someday another beverage with more vitamins and minerals and contains a three-word alliteration will take their title away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 0 calories, 0 g of fat, 55 mg of sodium, 0 g of carbohydrates, 0 g sugar, 0 g protein, 15% vitamin D, 15% niacin, 15% vitamin B6, and 15% chromium.)

Item: Tahitian Tamure Tava
Price: $3.00 (4 pack – on sale))
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The greatest beverage that contains three-word alliteration. Tastes decent when chilled. Nice light fruit punch flavor. No fat. No sugar. No calories. Three-word alliteration.
Cons: Tastes bad when warm. Light flavor. Scant amounts of vitamins and minerals. No caffeine. Visible nipples on a cold, windy day. Not earning the Presidential Physical Fitness Award. Having technology-dysfunctional people promote your product on the internet.