REVIEW: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints

Marvo 20 Comments

Oh, Peppermint Altoids!

Your curiously strong powers have thwarted my plans for world domination time and time again. How can I continue to scare away pretty women, make babies cry and make salespeople regret approaching me with you constantly freshening my breath with your curiously strong minty powers?

I have attempted to increase my super stench powers to match your powers by not brushing my teeth, not flossing, not showering, not using deodorant, not changing my socks, and even not wiping, but my power-increasing experiments on myself have proved too much for even my dull nose to handle.

But recently, I have come across a compound that has the ability to weaken your curiously strong minty powers and turn you into a mere mint, like your weakling friends Tic Tacs and Certs. It is the kryptonite that will bring your doom, as well as the world’s. Muahaha. Muahaha.

This compound is dark chocolate.

Don’t you find it ironic that dark chocolate with its healthy flavonoid antioxidants also has the ability to cause harm to your curiously strong super powers, Altoids? Muahaha. Muahaha.

Don’t you also find it interesting that the word “dark” is in dark chocolate? Because when you’re defeated, the world will be a dark place when I rule it with my bad breath. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Oh, I can imagine it now. I can eat onions, garlic and a variety of fermented foods and go up to a person and talk to them using a lot of words with the letter “o” in them and verbally stress every single one: OOOOH, DOOOO YOOOOU KNOOOOW, HOOOOW TOOOO GOOOO TOOOO TOOOOLEDOOOO OOOOHIOOOO?

I could harm hundreds of people with that phrase alone.

Not even your curiously strong Super Friends, Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids, can stop me from polluting the air with my bad breath and making it very uncomfortable to sit next to me on a crowded bus or in coach class on an airplane. Muahaha. Muahaha.

So try and stop me, Peppermint Altoids.

Oh, you’re facing me head on with Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids? You’ve got balls, Peppermint Altoids, just like your Peanuts cartoon strip character namesake Peppermint Patty has. But I’ve got dark chocolate and I’m going to use it to weaken all of your curiously strong powers.

So how does it feel to be covered it dark chocolate in my mouth, my breath-freshening friends? Is it dark? It must be…dark. Oh, the dark chocolate is so delicious in so many ways, especially on you, Peppermint Altoids and Cinnamon Altoids. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Seconds later)

W-w-what is going on? The dark chocolate is melting in my mouth.

NOOOOO!!!

Your curiously strong minty, cinnamony, and gingery powers have broken through my layer of dark chocolate, freshening my breath and making me powerless and non-pungent. Actually, except the Ginger Altoids, you’re kind of gross. I must flee!

You may have won this battle, Altoids. But you will not win the war. I’ll be back, and when I do, mark my words, you will regret it and smell it. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Marc at Hunter PR who sent samples to me a few weeks ago. Also, for more Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints reviews, go visit Candyblog and Candy Addict.)

Item: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from Marc at Hunter PR
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Dark chocolate is good for you. Cinnamon and Peppermint versions were good. Once the chocolate melts away, Altoids can save the day with their curiously strong powers from bad breath bad guys.
Cons: Dark chocolate is temporarily bad for Altoids’ curiously strong minty powers. Chocolate melts away too fast. Ginger Altoids was my least favorite. Tic Tacs and Certs are weaklings. My thwarted plans for world domination. My breath without Altoids.

Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash

Marvo 26 Comments

This review is dedicated to all the MILFs out there. Because without them, the population wouldn’t grow and the Fountains of Wayne song, “Stacy’s Mom” wouldn’t exist.

Let’s face it, MILFs. Raising children can be hard. Sure, conceiving children is fun, but raising them and pushing them out through your vagina…not so much. How do I know this? Because I was once a child that would cause my mother lots of grief.

I would cry over spilled milk. I would sob when I pooped in my pants. I would weep when I wet my bed. I shed tears when I stepped on a Lego piece. I would wail and call out for my mommy when the big girls in school would push me around.

I was a wuss and I’m probably still one, proving right the message I once received from a fortune cookie. It said, “You are what you come out of,” and I came out of a pussy.

Growing up, I was not only a wuss, I was also a curious child trying things that caused my mom stress, like attempt to dunk a basketball using a mini exercise trampoline, play catch with a prickly pear fruit, and undress my sister’s Barbie dolls.

My youthful curiosity also caused me to ask way too many questions, which was also something that probably irked my mom because she might’ve not known the answer or how to answer the question without corrupting my innocent young mind. Questions like: Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast? What does “shit” mean? Why does Mr. T always pity the fool? What does beer taste like? How can Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble have such hot wives? Why is the horse trying to ride the other horse?

Back then, to relieve the stress that I was giving her, I think the only options she had was to soak herself in Calgon or cry on my dad’s shoulder. Today, MILFs have more options to relieve stress, like the new Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash.

I picked up this particular Bath & Body Works body wash because I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one. I’d list all 99 problems, but listing all of them would give me one more problem to worry about and I don’t want 100 problems, but I’ll just say that I need to find out what came first, the chicken or the egg and I REALLY need to get out of my head the same continuous loop of wailing that’s in the House of Pain song “Jump Around.”

According to the bottle, in order to help me relieve stress and temporarily forget my problems, the Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash contains:

The fresh essence of pure Australian Eucalyptus oil is greatly valued for its clarifying and relaxing effects. It is blended here with a complementary balance of American Spearmint essence, renowned for its calmative powers.

The bottle goes on to say:

Feel stress fade away as you lather this relaxing skin cleanser and let its calming blend of eucalyptus and spearmint essential oils comfort your soul and soften your skin.

So did it help me relieve stress and forget my problems?

The Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash’s clean, menthol-ish smell was kind of weird and kind of nice as I lathered it all over my wet, naked and dirty body. I guess its scent was a little soothing, but not strong enough to relieve my stress.

Also, since almost everyone rinses off in the shower once completely lathered, which takes about a minute or two, they won’t be able to appreciate its aroma for a very long time. I don’t think there are many people who stand in a shower all lathered up for extended periods of time, except shower singers and masturbators.

Yes MILFs, it’s stressful raising a sperm and egg and turning them into a contributing member of society. There are lots of ups and downs along the way, but as long as they stay out of prison and your house after they graduate, it will be all worth it.

Item: Bath & Body Works Aromatherapy Eucalyptus Spearmint Body Wash
Price: $13.00 (10 ounces)
Purchased at: Bath & Body Works
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Gets me clean. It’s scent was a little soothing, but was kind of weird smelling at the same time. Some green tea to help cleanse and soothe the skin. Finished product was not tested on animals.
Cons: Really pricey for a body wash. Clean menthol-ish scent was kind of weird. Can’t appreciate aroma for a very long in the shower unless you’re a shower singer or masturbator. The world without the Fountains of Wayne song “Stacy’s Mom.” Your children ending up prison. My 99 problems.

REVIEW: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles

Marvo 27 Comments

Hi. My name is Marvo. It’s nice to meet you…um, what does your name tag say?

Wow. That’s a really long name you have there, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. That’s an unusual name. N-n-no, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your name, I just think it’s really cool that you have such a long name. Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. So have you ever done this speed dating thing before?

Yeah, I’m new to it too. My friends said I should give it a try since I don’t get out of the house much and all I do is write, sleep, and download internet porn. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I download internet porn…unless you do it too?

You don’t? Well you should try it someday. If you do try, remember to lock your bedroom door and close your window shades. Anyway, you know what I do during my free time, so what do you do for fun?

Oh, you like food? I’m surprised by that because you’re so dainty. No, really. You come in a very small package. You have 210 calories and 4.5 grams of fat? That’s not much at all. You also have 1.5 grams of trans fat? Oh…um. W-w-well, I like my dates to have a “little junk in the trunk.” N-n-no, I’m not saying you have a big ass. I just don’t like women who are anorexic and you’re not. I-I-I’m not saying you’re fat. You’re curvy. No, again, I’m not saying you’re fat. You have a nice shape. No, not like a cow. I think you’re skinny…and pretty. Really pretty. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so are you spiritual or religious? You’re into Satanism. Wait…the Satanism with or without the chicken sacrifices? With? Um, I can dig that. Oh wait, chicken sacrifices with or without drinking the chicken’s blood? Without? Phew. Thank goodness you’re not one of those chicken blood drinking Satanists, because those people are crazy.

You do what with the blood? Use the blood to draw pentagrams all over your body and dance naked around the sacrificed chicken to gain immortality and increase your vision? Um, as long as you don’t drink the blood, I don’t find that weird.

So how would you best describe yourself?

Salty, quick, and easy?

You seem like such a nice person that I couldn’t imagine you getting a little salty. But then again, with 580 milligrams of sodium I could possibly see it happening. N-n-no, I’m not calling you short tempered. N-n-no, I don’t want to take this outside. No, I do not want my ass kicked.

So you say you’re also quick and easy. To be honest, I kind of like that. So it takes only three steps to make you hot and ready to eat. How long does it take you to get hot? Four to six minutes is pretty quick.

But I’ll never find out how easy you are? Why won’t you let me? I’m a decent looking guy. I’m not sexiest man in my apartment and I live alone, but I think I’m above average. I don’t think I’m a D+. In the eight minutes we’re spending together, I don’t think we can truly learn enough about each other, but if you spend more time with me you would find out that I’m a great guy. I have not been staring at your breasts all this time. I just think the pendant you’re wearing is really nice.

Time’s up.

Well it was nice meeting you, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. I thought you were kind of tasty, although I’m not too sure about your small balls of freeze dried ground beef, but they did add some nice flavor. No, I’m not calling you a man with small balls. Your noodles were tender and your cheesy sauce was decent, but I didn’t expect much since I just mixed cheese powder with water.

Overall, I think things between us went well and I hope we meet again.

Oh, you didn’t think so? Um, I guess it was nice meeting you then.

I should do something about my breath? Oh, thanks.

Item: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not great. Decent cheesy sauce. Easy to make. Kinda quick to make. Four individual pouches. Satanists who don’t drink chicken blood. I’m a decent looking guy.
Cons: Servings are small. A little salty. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Freeze dried ground beef kind of scares me. Satanists who drink chicken blood. Telling a woman they have “junk in the trunk.” Being caught staring at breasts. My breath.

Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends

Marvo 22 Comments

Oh, I feel it!

I feel the power from the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends pulsating through my hands, arms, Bowflex-built-chest, hairy runner’s legs, and ballerina twinkle toes.

It’s like when Prince Adam holds the Sword of Power above his head and turns into He-Man, except instead of a weak young prince being turned into a mound of muscle usually seen at Gold’s Gym or in a gay man or lonely housewife’s wet dream, the Godiva Belgian Blends transformed me from a weak young quasi product review blog editor into a weak, young, snobby, think-I’m-better-than-everyone mutha fucker that should have his ass beaten.

The same change also happens to me whenever I’m drinking Evian or Perrier, when I’m behind the wheel of a Mercedes Benz or BMW, and when I’m watching foreign films with subtitles. Just to let you know, I have pissed off many people and lost several friends while watching the French flim Amelie.

I’m not too sure about the reason why I turn into such a prick whenever I’m doing something like sipping on a San Pellegrino mineral water while watching the Mexican film Amores Perros, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m doing something that I think is über cool and something that not many people do. Just like me putting that umlaut above the “u” in “über” is totally cool and something not many people do.

You don’t believe the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends has that type of effect on me?

Well I’ll just have to prove it to you.

Let me hold the Godiva Belgian Blends in my hand, then I’ll think of a topic, then tell you why I think it sucks, and then tell you about something that I think is better. What I’m going to say is not how I truly feel, instead it is the Godiva Belgian Blends that’s doing the talking.

Okay, I got the topic — Starbucks coffee.

Pff! Starbucks sucks! You gotta wait in frickin’ long lines, the coffee is overpriced, and there are all those weird cup size names. The only things I call “tall” are trees, giraffes, skyscrapers, light posts, transvestites, and anyone else whose height is above 5 feet 8 inches. If you want to be cool, go fly to Colombia, pick your own coffee beans right of the tree, stick them in a burlap sack, transport the burlap sack with the coffee beans on a back of a donkey, then give the beans to Juan Valdez to grind and brew for you — all for just a few pesos. That’s real coffee for cool people.

See, I’m a prick with this Godiva Belgian Blends drink in my hands.

I know the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends made me rant about Starbucks, but after tasting it I have to say that it tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino drink. The mocha flavor was way too faint for my tastes and if there was Godiva chocolate in the drink, I couldn’t tell since that flavor was a little too faint as well.

But there are two slightly redeeming qualities about the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends. First, it has sweet, sweet caffeine. Although it’s last on the ingredients list, so it probably doesn’t have much to last me through the opening credits of a King of Queens rerun. Second, I picked it up at the un-Godiva-like price of $1.59. I think it’s the only Godiva product I can afford that won’t mess up my budget for all those trip to Colombia I take.

(Editor’s Note: THE Lord Jezo at 78west reviewed the French Vanilla Latte version of this product late last year. You can review his review here.)

Item: Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends
Price: $1.59 (9.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Caffeine, although not much of it. Cheap for a Godiva product. My ballerina twinkle toes. The movie Amelie.
Cons: Tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino. I’m an asshole when holding it in my hand. Trips to Colombia. My behavior when watching the film Amelie.

Back from Vacation

Marvo 25 Comments

Sorry for the lack of posts here recently.

I was in California/Tahoe this past week and did some snowboarding, sledding, freezing my ass off, gambling, wearing thermal underwear, eating an In-N-Out burger, recovering from a little groin pull, shopping at Target, and very little shaving. I bought a lot of things to review, especially at Target.

Hmm…I wonder if I should review the thermal underwear — and include pictures.