REVIEW: KFC Famous Bowl

Marvo 39 Comments

BRING IT, GRIM REAPER!!! YOU AIN’T GONNA BRING ME DOWN WITH YOUR SCYTHE!!!

I’ve been feeling invincible since the earthquake the other week that rocked these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Sure, there weren’t any serious injuries, but it felt like death was coming to my door, but I just slammed the door in its face, like it was an insurance salesman, trick-or-treater, Jehovah’s Witness, or Girl Scout.

Although having twelve hours without electricity felt like death, since I was extremely bored and forced to do things like read a book. Also, don’t get me started on taking a dump in the dark because it’s hard to see if you wiped enough.

Ever since then, I’ve been doing crazy things to try and cheat death.

On Tuesday, I drank a cola and ate Pop-Rocks AT THE SAME TIME, but it didn’t blow up my stomach like I was Star Jones at a Thanksgiving buffet.

On Wednesday, I made calls from my cell phone while pumping gas and it didn’t blow up the entire gas station.

On Thursday, I chanted “Bloody Mary” thirteen times in my dark bathroom facing the mirror and I didn’t get my face ripped off by Bloody Mary. Actually, she appeared, but I scared her away when I used this poem to try and pick her up, “Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.”

On Friday, I played Black Sabbath albums backwards, but I didn’t hear the Satanic messages that would make me want to kill myself, bite the head off of a bird, or buy a Kelly Osbourne album.

On Saturday, I played Paris Hilton’s album forward, but her breathy singing voice also didn’t make me want to kill myself. Although I will admit that I had thoughts of ignoring the old saying that you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.

On Sunday, I tried the not-so-new-although-they’re-advertising-them-as-new KFC Famous Bowl, which consists of 690 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat and 2,110 milligrams of sodium. Basically, it’s a possible acute myocardial infarction in a five-inch diameter and two inch-deep plastic bowl.

Oh, but what a tasty possible acute myocardial infarction in a plastic bowl it is. The combination of a generous serving of cream mashed potatoes, a layer of sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken, three shredded cheeses, and KFC’s signature home-style gravy dumped on top, is dangerously delicious.

Along with it’s great taste, another good thing about the KFC Famous Bowl was the plastic spork and its six grams of dietary fiber. Although the 4.5 grams of really bad trans fat probably negates it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a spinach salad.

(Editor’s Note: If there aren’t any reviews after this one, please split my belongings among my three siblings. Also, I’d like a 24-carat solid gold urn.)

Item: KFC Famous Bowl
Price: $5.29 (combo)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Dangerously delicious. Filling. Six grams of dietary fiber. The spork. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. 4.5 grams of trans fat. The corn seemed unnecessary. I probably won’t eat it ever again. Strange people who come to your door. Playing Paris Hilton’s album forward.

REVIEW: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers

Marvo 27 Comments

Copying, cloning, imitating…it seems so easy to do, because it is.

Xeroxing your ass at work, Dolly the Sheep, shitty boy bands, and the midterm exams of anyone who sat next to me in my physics, chemistry, and math classes in college are all examples of how easy it is to copy things. Although, I have to admit that I earned C’s and D’s in my physics, chemistry, and math classes, so I apparently sat next to the wrong people.

Sometimes copying is so easy that you can cut and paste a review from a quasi-product review blog, add your own lame comments, and then claim you wrote the whole damn thing by yourself.

(Editor’s Note: There was a link for the comment above, but I decided to remove it, since he admitted to it and apologized. To be honest, he actually seems like pretty decent guy. So all is good.)

Without copying, imitating, plagiarism and Cliff Notes, I probably wouldn’t have my English degree.

Now if it’s so easy copy things, why is it that these 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers don’t really taste much like actual 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars. I tested it by drinking a swig of a Slammers and then took a bite from the candy bar it was supposed to imitate. They both taste good as chocolate milks, but neither one came really close to tasting like their solid brethren.

It’s sort of like Tito Jackson not being able to match the success, weirdness, and child molestation charges of his brother Michael.

I don’t know about the Milky Way Slammers, but as for the 3 Musketeers Slammers, I think there’s only one reason why it doesn’t really taste like a 3 Musketeer candy bar.

That reason is Splenda, which has been the reason for the war in Iraq, Scientology, Jen and Brad breaking up, spam emails, freeway traffic, white guys who act black, holes in the ozone layer, AFLAC commercials, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, internet porn addiction, Limp Bizkit cover bands, welfare abuse, Madonna adopting children, the lack of laws to protect copyrights in China, my hairy palms, why rappers keep getting shot, dropped calls on cell phones, spinning rims, and for some reason it’s the catalyst that makes me dance when I hear the Duran Duran song, “The Reflex.”

The one thing that surprised me about both the 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers is the fact that they don’t need to be refrigerated, despite containing milk. Of course, after you open it, it is necessary to refrigerate what you don’t drink.

I don’t know about you, but that’s scary AND exciting. It’s as scary and exciting as placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt Freeman from Edelman for sending me the free samples. Oh yeah, TIB reviewed the Starburst Slammers last year. That one I didn’t get free.)

Item: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from PR Firm
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good as regular chocolate milk. Vitamins and minerals, but not really significant amounts. No child molesting for Tito Jackson. Despite it being made with milk, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated until after opening it or if you want it cold. Low and reduced fat.
Cons: Really doesn’t taste like the actual candy bars they’re named after. Everything Splenda is responsible for. Jacko. Placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts

Marvo 20 Comments

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review contains links that are either Not Safe For Work (NSFW), Not Safe For Children (NSFC), or Not Safe If You Don’t Want To Have An Erection At Work (NSIYDWTHAEAW). Please click with caution. Thank you.)

Did you know that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings?

No?

Did you know that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten?

Didn’t know that either?

Well, did you know that every time Kellogg’s releases a new Pop-Tarts flavor, a new celebrity sex tape gets posted on the internet?

Don’t believe me?

Well recently Pop-Tarts introduced a new Mint Chocolate Chip flavor and recently TWO celebrity sex tapes have surfaced, a sex tape with Dustin Diamond, who played Screech from the TV show Saved by the Bell and another one involving Tickle Me Extreme Elmo.

Just like in a celebrity sex tape, when the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts get toasted and warm, things get gooey, but that doesn’t necessarily make it a good thing. Good things also happen in a celebrity sex tape when certain things are frozen stiff and the same can be said about the Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts. I personally think they’re better hard and stiff than warm and gooey. As for its taste, it was as minty as a Girl Scouts Thin Mint, but not as good.

Now I did hours of research, looking back at correlations between new Pop-Tarts flavors and celebrity sex tapes. Of course, most of that time was spent re-watching some of the celebrity sex tapes over and over again, and sometimes playing them in slow motion, frame by frame.

Through those hours of research and a box of Kleenex, I learned celebrities don’t use condoms, people actually consider Tonya Harding a celebrity, Colin Farrell still looks like an asshole naked, I should never stand at the urinal next to Tommy Lee unless I want to feel inadequate, and I found more instances of celebrity sex tapes and new Pop-Tarts flavors being released at the same time.

In 2004, when the Paris Hilton sex tape became available, Kellogg’s released S’mores Pop-Tarts and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, both of which sound sexier and more erotic than the words, “Paris Hilton sex tape.”

In 2005, when Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts were beginning to pop out of toasters, a sex tape with Colin Farrell and a former Playboy Playmate popped up its head, along with the heads of many others.

I’m sure there were also new Pop-Tarts flavors when the Tonya Harding sex tape and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex video were released, but I didn’t dig too deep into them because both videos scared me. The Tonya Harding sex tape was disturbing because it had Tonya Harding having sex in it and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape was unnerving because of Tommy Lee’s huge python-like wang.

Item: Mint Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, kind of like a Girl Scouts Thin Mint. Better frozen, but not toasted. Slow motion.
Cons: Not as good gooey. Standing at the urinal next to Tommy Lee. Screech sex tape. Tonya Harding sex tape. Paris Hilton sex tape.

Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress

Marvo 45 Comments

I used to sleep on a futon bed that easily transformed into a couch. If you lift one side up, the other side comes down and it forms a couch. Of course, that’s the only up and down action that futon bed has ever seen since I’ve owned it.

Recently, I picked up the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress, or NAMBLA for short. I ended up with a full sized version because it was the only clearance model left and I expect my bachelor ass to be sleeping alone for a very long time.

::tear::

Its original price was over $2,000, but the salesman said he had to get rid of it to make room for the new Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress II, or NAMBLA II for short. So I ended up getting an 83 percent discount on it and paid $342.93 for it, not including the box spring, delivery, and the bed frame, which brought the total to about $530.

I REALLY wanted a bed shaped like a heart that rotated and vibrated with red and black tiger print silk sheets on top of it. However, I realized that I should have something practical. Although, a heart-shaped bed that rotates and vibrates with red and black tiger print silk sheets is actually practical…but only when making sweet, sweet lovin’.

I’ve been sleeping on the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress for the past four days and it’s definitely an upgrade from my previous bed. But then again, almost ANYTHING would’ve been a step up from my futon bed, like a hobo’s flattened refrigerator cardboard box or the multiple-body-fluid-stained mattress of a three dollar crack whore.

It’s a REALLY comfortable bed and probably the best one I’ve ever slept on. The Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress is even more comfortable thanks to the 300 thread count sheets I bought for it.

If you haven’t slept on 300 thread count sheets and still are sleeping on your 1980s Transformers or My Little Pony bed sheets, I’d suggest you definitely upgrade. High thread count sheets feel really good, just as good as red and black tiger print silk sheets.

Perhaps the major reason why the Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress is so comfortable is because it’s FRICKIN’ THICK. The mattress itself is 13 inches thick. Add the box spring and the bed frame and the total height of my bed is 30 inches. My roommate’s bed is only 20 inches tall.

If only my bed was 63,330 inches taller and I could find a woman willing to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with me, then I could join the Mile High Club.

Thirty inches is a little too tall and I have to admit that I do have to jump a little to get onto my bed, but that’s not the real problem about my bed’s height. The real problem is when this happens (Quicktime required).

Item: Sealy Posturepedic Sapphire SE Ultra Plush Euro Pillowtop Mattress
Price: $342.93 (Mattress Only)
Purchased at: Sears
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: REALLY comfortable. Definitely an upgrade from a futon bed. Red and black tiger print silk sheets. Getting an 83 percent discount. 300 thread count sheets.
Cons: When this happens. Having to jump a little to get onto my bed. Those still using 1980s Transformers or My Little Pony sheets. NAMBLA, but not my NAMBLA. Sleeping on a multiple-body-fluid-stained mattress of a three dollar crack whore.

Melon Green Tea Slurpee

Marvo 19 Comments

We’ve all heard about the health benefits of green tea. It’s full of antioxidants that can help lower the risks of cancer and heart disease. Green tea advocates claim that it can help with many other things, like cognition, Alzheimers, arthritis, multiple sclerosis, weight loss, helping you look less fugly, and preventing you from catching anything if you’re around Paris Hilton.

Hmm…Now that I think about, that last one might explain something. If green tea can help with weight loss and be used as prevention from catching anything Paris Hilton is incubating in her, it totally explains what has happened to Nicole Richie.

Despite all the wonderful things green tea can help with, I don’t really think there are any benefit when drinking green tea in Slurpee form, like with the semi-new Melon Green Tea Slurpee.

It’s much like not being able to get potassium from a banana Slurpee or not getting shitfaced from a Pina Colada Slurpee. The only things you can probably get from Slurpees are cool refreshment on a hot day or diabetes — if you drink waaaay too many of them.

Unfortunately, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee might just be the last attempt to regain the spotlight from wildly popular pomegranate.

There was a time when green tea was just a hot beverage at a Japanese restaurant or something you’d find on the shelves at new age, hippie, unshaved armpit natural food stores, but its health benefits soon became known and within a few years it was everywhere like iPods, except significantly less profitable to mug people for.

Today, you can find green tea products in a variety of forms, like green tea chewing gum, green tea ice cream, green tea candy, green tea pills, green tea moisturizers, green tea pet food, green tea energy drinks, and Starbucks Green Tea Frappucinos.

But slowly and surely, pomegranate has been pulling out a number of products from its red, round, juicy ass, like all the popular POM Wonderful drinks and the Starbucks Pomegranate Frappucino.

However, if green tea expects to take back the health-crazed spotlight from pomegranate, the Melon Green Tea Slurpee isn’t the way to do it, unless green tea’s plan is to give pomegranate brain freeze.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee has a light taste to it and the green tea flavor definitely overpowers the melon. Perhaps 7-Eleven should’ve switched the ingredients and named it the Green Tea Melon Slurpee or the Slurpee People Won’t Buy Ever Again.

The Melon Green Tea Slurpee also left me with a weird dry mouth feeling, like I had a mild case of cotton mouth. Speaking of cotton mouth, if I ever get the munchies, I’m pretty sure the Melon Green Tea Slurpee won’t be on my list of things to buy, along with the Pringles, ice cream sandwiches, beef jerky, peanuts, Twix bars, Cup o Noodles, Mexican food, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Funyuns, Lean Cuisine frozen dinners, Oreo cookies, pizza, Ritz crackers, Doritos, M&M’s, anything from McDonald’s, and Pop-Tarts.

Item: Melon Green Tea Slurpee
Price: $1.49 (40-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Cool refreshment on a hot summer day. Benefits of green tea. Benefits of pomegranate.
Cons: I don’t think there are health benefits from green tea in Slurpee form. Worst Slurpee EVER. Light flavor. Green tea flavor overpowers the melon. Left me with a weird dry mouth. Nicole Richie’s weight loss. Catching anything Paris Hilton has. Brain freeze.