Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger

Marvo 18 Comments

Dear Jack,

I’ll get straight to the point with this letter. Please stop making new menu items, because I believe Death by Jack in the Box is no way to go. Your big white head that speaks telepathically might say that I have the option to choose between eating and not eating your food, but from a quasi-product review blog editor’s prospective, that’s not an option, because just like flies to shit, the lure of an intriguing new product will always direct me to your drive-thru, such is the case with your Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger.

Please give your R&D people a break. I thought there were only so many things one could do with burgers, but your hard working R&D people have proven me wrong time and time again. They’ve put so many things in between buns that they probably would make the kinkiest gay German porn star blush.

With the influx of new Jack in the Box products recently, like the Hearty Breakfast Bowl, Cheesy Macaroni Bites, and Pita Snacks, it makes me wonder if your R&D department is a perpetual pregnant woman and their vagina has been stretched out so much that new ideas just fall out of them whenever they stand up.

I’m not sure how they conceive your products, and I really don’t want to see an awkward video of the fast food birds and the bees, but I’m kind of glad they gave birth to the very tasty Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, which is made up of a beef patty topped with a cheddar cheese sauce and sliced jalapenos in between a bun.

The jalapenos gave the burger a nice heat, but not enough to think I might have contracted a burning sensation from a drunken starlet. The cheddar cheese sauce added nicely to the burger’s flavor and was as gooey and as radioactive in color as I would expect. Perhaps the only real negative about the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger was its size, which I thought was kind of small, but then I remembered that I paid a reasonable buck and a half for one.

With that kind of ringing endorsement of the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, you would think I would want more new products to try, but my body can only take so much and I think it’s nearing its limit of Jack in the Box food. So Jack, please cut back. I don’t want a heart attack.

Sincerely yours,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – Nutrition facts not available on website or I just couldn’t find them.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jason for recommending the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger. If anyone else wants to recommend something, please make sure it’s a salad or something that won’t give me high blood pressure.)

Item: Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger
Price: $1.49 ($1.29 everywhere else)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Jalapenos gave it a good kick, but not too much of a kick. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Kind of small, so it probably won’t make a good lunch by itself. My attraction to new products that are probably bad for me. I couldn’t find nutritional information. Death by Jack in the Box.

Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!

Marvo 16 Comments

When Post introduced the new Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, I realized I no longer had a use for Sally (not her actual name, because I can’t pronounce her real name), the 8-year-old illegal immigrant Chinese girl I paid $1 a month to separate the bunches from my Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Believe me it was worth the dollar to separate the flakes and the bunches in the cereal, because the bunches are the best part — they have all the flavor.

Some of you might be appalled by my blatant ignoring of child labor laws, but I will tell you that I treated Sally much better than she would have been treated in China. Not only did I pay her a dollar a month, I also let her eat all the Honey Bunches of Oats flakes she could eat, since I wasn’t eating them, but she had to provide her own milk, because I’m not a cow. I also taught her English by making her work in front of a television throughout the day. So far, she can say pretty well, “Survey says…” and “Come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!”

When I showed Sally the box of Just Bunches! cereal and told her she was free to leave, she smiled and said, “cao ni zuzong shiba dai wonang fei” which at the time I thought it meant “thank you very much” in Chinese, but later found out that it really means, “Go fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation, loser.”

The Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal looks like I took a granola bar out of a hippie’s hands and beat them with it, causing the bar to break down into small pieces. The box it comes in is Grape Nuts-ish, which means it’s significantly smaller than most other cereal boxes because the cereal doesn’t take up much space, just like brains in the skulls of all contestants who are hoping to find love through a reality show. Because the bunches take up less space, I’m unable to determine what’s a good serving size without hauling out measuring cups. According to the box, there are eight 2/3 cup servings per box, but it took me four normal-to-me-sized bowls to eat all of it.

The cereal has a sticky, sweet smell and its caramel taste seemed very artificial, but neither of those were the most disturbing attributes of the Caramel Just Bunches! cereal. What was unsettling was its unnatural crunchiness after sitting in milk for ten minutes; its ability to turn skim milk brownish, a little thicker, and gross; and the use of a fucking exclamation point in its name. It’s a cereal, not a fucking energy drink.

As you can tell, I didn’t really care for the Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, but there’s also a version with honey roasted bunches, just like the ones I paid Sally pick out, so maybe those will be better, but if not, I need to go find Sally and give her a 25 cent raise to encourage her to come back.

(Nutrition Facts – 2/3 cup – 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 135 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and one less illegal immigrant.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jessica for recommending the Just Bunches! cereal. She now owes me protection from child labor laws.)

Item: Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 17 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Vitamins and minerals. Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fat. 4 grams of fiber. Paying someone a dollar per month to separate the bunches and the flakes in Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Learning English through game shows.
Cons: Very artificial caramel flavor. Sticky, sweet smell. Turns milk gross. Enough in box for only four manly-sized bowls. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point in its name. Ignoring child labor laws.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts

Marvo 28 Comments

Vanilla is a synonym for boring and boring can best describe how I feel about the Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts. I guess vanilla had to be the next natural progression for Pop-Tarts flavors since the Pop-Tartologists at Kellogg’s have pretty much squeezed out every single chocolate flavor from the cow’s udder of toaster pastry imagination.

The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts pretty much taste like processed sugar, so it doesn’t come close to tasting like a creamy vanilla milkshake. At best, it probably also tastes like shitty vanilla cake frosting. I imagine if you take another flavor of Pop-Tarts and extracted all of its natural and artificial flavoring, you’d probably end up with something similar to the boring, bland Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love processed sugar as much as the next guy who probably has enough of cavities to turn the pupils in the eyes of a dentist into dollar signs, but if I wanted to savor processed sugar, I’d rather do it in a normal way with a baby pig balancing on a beach ball, while I try to suck the granules off of the pig’s back with two Crazy Straws and I’m chasing the pig with a blindfolded monkey on a tricycle who is pulling my ass which is in a Radio Flyer Big Red Classic Wagon with only three wheels.

The Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts have multi-colored sprinkles on top, which pretty much are there to add some color and nothing else. They also have bone strengthening calcium in them, which they’re so excited about that they had to mention it on the front of the box. Each pastry has ten percent of your daily recommended allowance of calcium. Oooh, ten percent!!! I’m so excited that I added THREE exclamation points at the end of the last sarcastic sentence.

Sadly, that ten percent doesn’t seem like much and it is possibly the same amount one can get in a bukkake scene. Shit. I get twice the amount of calcium by eating two small L’il Critters Calcium Gummy Bears, which by the way, taste much better than these Pop-Tarts.

Yeah, I get my calcium from gummy bears. I also get my Omega-3 fats from gummy fish. You laugh now, but when I’m taking over the world with my indestructible bones and huge brain, you’ll be scarfing down gummy animals too.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 10% Iron, 10% Niacin, 10% Thiamin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Calcium, 10% Riboflavin, 8% Folic Acid, and 1 big yawn.)

Item: Kellogg’s Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Vitamins and minerals. Getting vitamins and minerals from gummy animals. Savoring processed sugar in a normal way. No trans fat. A world where I rule with my indestructible bones and huge brain.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a vanilla milkshake. Tastes like processed sugar. Only ten percent of the daily recommended allowance of calcium. Kellogg’s is running out of ideas for Pop-Tarts.

Burger King Fresh Apple Fries

Ace 20 Comments

When I first heard that Burger King sold apple fries, I naturally assumed that they were deep-fried like their potato brethren’s namesake. I recall that when chicken fries first hit the market, my brain engulfed itself like a neutron star in a defensive state of shock, panic, and excitement. They didn’t live up to the hype, so I figured that this was their finishing salvo – a one-upping of Taco Bell’s caramel apple empanada that would dash any child’s hopes of a healthy existence.

It was not until after I ordered the “fries” that I learned that my anxiety was gravely misguided. Burger King’s apple fries are merely apples cut into the shape of thick-cut French fries. Kind of a cop-out, I thought, especially since they were going at $1.59 for a 2-ounce bag. Still, I was glad to have something remotely fresh and healthy in my mouth after I finished inhaling my Whopper combo.

I was surprised by the freshness of the apples, as they managed to stay clean and crispy with a refreshing bite of tartness to go along with the mellow sweetness. Of course, none of this elaborate description is necessary if you’ve ever eaten an apple. You know, that thing that’s supposed to keep the doctor away? Yes, I admit that I have forgotten what it had tasted like too.

The thing that turns this from cut fruit into kid-friendly treat is the accompanying packet of caramel sauce from which you will try to squeeze every last drop from the packet as if it contained the last vestiges of the antidote. The package is only half an ounce, but its potency will almost trick your brain into believing that you’re eating a caramel apple. Brain deception like this is key in practicing any type of diet – just ask any of those vegans who insist on serving tofurkey’s every Thanksgiving.

The apple fries are a bit pricey on their own, but you can substitute it for free when you’re ordering a Kid’s Meal, or presumably any other type of meal you may order. It’s a good way to treat your kids to something wholesome or to placate your conscience about the Triple Whopper you’re scarfing down. Either way, everyone wins and you can finally start to keep that creepy family doctor at bay.

(Nutritional Facts – Apples – 1 packet – 25 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 0mg sodium, 6 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 35% Vitamin C, 4% Calcium, and 0% Iron. Caramel Sauce – 1 packet – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 9 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, and 5 grams of sugar)

Item: Burger King Apple Fries
Price: $1.59 (free to substitute with regular fries)
Size: 2 ounces (apples), 0.5 ounces (low-fat caramel sauce)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good alternative for French fries, especially in a Kid’s Meal. Comes with frypod box. You will try to suck the caramel sauce out of the packet. Low on fat and refined sugar.
Cons: Pricey if you buy it on it’s own. Portion of 2 ounces is pretty small. Technically still just cut fruit with a condiment.

REVIEW: Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Marvo 17 Comments

By itself, the smell and taste of mayonnaise is kind of disgusting, but when placed in between two slices of bread with cold cuts, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes or mixed with potatoes, spices, hard-boiled eggs, and mustard, it tastes pretty good. This Jekyll and Hyde condiment also has a reputation for being a bitch when it comes to healthiness, turning normal healthy sandwiches into tasty pockets for saturated fat. It’s hard to believe something so innocently, virgin off-white, could be a sinfully, slutty evil.

Mayonnaise makers have tried their best to create slightly more wholesome versions of this spreadable cream, but their attempts have pretty much ended up with bland tasting paste that would be better off being used for a mayonnaise bikini than for a sandwich or salad. Enter the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Nutritionists have told us for years that olive oil is one healthy mofo, providing healthier fats that contain one too many prefixes, like polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. The folks at Best Foods have shoehorned Bertolli’s Extra Virgin Olive Oil into their mayonnaise to go along with the usual soybean oil, eggs, and vinegar. Those ingredients will emulsify into a mayonnaise that has three times less saturated fat and almost half the calories of regular Best Foods Mayonnaise. However, it also has one-third more sodium than the original, but overall it’s healthier thanks to the multi-prefixed fats mentioned earlier.

Messing with a sandwich staple seems sacrilegious, because if you change one thing, it seems to change everything else. The Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil smells like regular mayonnaise, but I have to say its flavor kind of threw off my taste buds after I spooned some in my mouth. The olive oil doesn’t overpower it, but there’s just enough to know that there is some in it and there was also a very slight bitter aftertaste to it. After getting the taste of mayonnaise out of my mouth, I realized that most sane people wouldn’t eat mayonnaise with a spoon and I needed to try it in a real world situation, so I slathered a generous glob of it in a turkey sandwich.

With olive oil mayonnaise oozing from under the bread, I consumed the sandwich and determined that it had sort of a muted mayonnaise taste with a hint of olive oil. If you’re trying to eat healthier, it’s indubitably a much better option than any light mayonnaise, but it definitely wasn’t as good as the regular version, making the Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil a lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tbsp – 50 calories, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, less than 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of protein, 1 mayonnaise bikini.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Alexander for recommending this product and making me his lab rat.)

Item: Best Foods Mayonnaise with Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Price: $6.19
Size: 30 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A lot less of a sinfully, slutty evil. Much better tasting than light mayonnaise. Lower in fat than regular mayonnaise. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Creamy. Like most mayonnaise, it makes a good mayonnaise bikini.
Cons: Muted mayonnaise taste. Hint of olive oil may turn people off. Higher in sodium than regular mayonnaise. Slight bitter aftertaste to it. I paid six dollars for a jar of it. Eating mayonnaise with a spoon straight from the bottle.