REVIEW: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

Marvo 19 Comments

Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea

I’d like to think that I’m an environmentally aware person — a treehugger, if you will.

I recycle my glass bottles, aluminum cans, plastic bottles, and newspapers.

I drive a fuel-efficient car.

I reuse those plastic bags I get from the grocery store.

Instead of throwing them away, I donate my unwanted clothes, household items, and crappy Christmas gifts to charitable organizations.

Finally, to save water and allow me to use them another day, I turn my underwear inside out.

A few months ago, I came across the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea in its re-sealable and reusable glass…glass. My treehugging soul thought that the reusable glass would be a great replacement for my current glassware, which doesn’t consist of any glass and is made up of Big Gulp cups and the McDonald’s 1992 Olympic Dream Team plastic cup set, with four extra Chris Mullin cups.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and along with my lava lamps, glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and the huge mirror on my bedroom wall they would impress the ladies whenever they come over.

Okay, I’m lying about the women coming over. No woman has stepped foot in my humble, fluorescent-lighted, not-so-swinging bachelor abode, so let me rephrase the previous sentence.

The Pom Tea glasses would definitely be a step up and impress the ladies if they come over when hell freezes over, pigs start flying, or if I am the last man on the face of the Earth.

I shouldn’t have been surprised by my fascination with the Pom Tea bottle. After all, Pom beverages are known for their bottles.

Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea 2

The original Pom Wonderful juices come in a shapely bottle, which depending on how horny you are, either looks like the Days of Our Lives hourglass or a huge sex toy that is probably 1,000 times more satisfying than I am.

The Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea itself is pretty good and it’s good for you. Although, being a fan of lychee, I was hoping there would be a stronger lychee flavor.

I have to admit that I’ve gotten kind of addicted to the Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea. I don’t know if it’s the slightly tart and sweet taste of it, the fact that it’s frickin’ full of healthy antioxidants, or my need for a set of new glassware, but at $3.50 a bottle it’s definitely hurting my wallet.

Item: Pom Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea
Price: $3.49 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty and refreshing. Addicting. Healthy. Frickin’ full of antioxidant goodness. Fat free. Reusable glass bottle, which are much more classy than my plastic Big Gulp cups. Recycling. Turning my underwear inside out to reuse another day.
Cons: Expensive. Light lychee flavor. Low caffeine. Addictive. No vitamins or minerals. I am not the last man on the face of the Earth.

REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

Marvo 29 Comments

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.

Axe Dry Clix

Marvo 35 Comments

I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpit.

What’s wrong with a complete stranger, walking up in a trenchcoat, baseball cap and sunglasses to another person, and ask them if they would like to smell an armpit? It’s not like I’m asking them to lick it, there are people out there that I can pay to do that.

Now you might be saying to yourself, “If he’s willing to pay someone to lick his armpit, why doesn’t he pay someone to smell his armpit?”

I’ll tell you why. Because I don’t pay people for things I can do myself. Like the licking the armpit thing, I can’t do that. I’ve tried. Either my tongue isn’t long enough or my neck can’t contort itself properly. But I can easily smell my own armpit.

It’s not like I’m going to shove that person’s face into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, while yelling, “Who’s your daddy!?!” Also, no one’s going to get a hairball from smelling my armpit, because I trim my armpit hair. I do it because I don’t want it to look like I constantly have a kitten in a headlock.

The reason why I was looking for someone to smell my armpit was because I wanted to know what they thought of the new Axe Dry Clix scent, which I’ve been trying out for the past week. If you’re a regular reader of The Impulsive Buy, you know that I’ve tried a few Axe products, and found them to be…um…what’s the best way to describe them?

Not good? Crappy? Shitty? Lame late night Cinemax softcore porn-ish?

Oh wait, I got it…old man-ish smelling.

With this negative opinion I have of Axe products, I wanted someone else’s thoughts about the Axe Dry Clix scent, which I thought smelled fine while in the dispenser, but gross when I applied it on my armpit. The Axe Dry Clix was somewhat uncomfortable to roll on as the scented hard white substance grabbed and tugged on some of my underarm pubes. Also, with the Axe Dry Clix being a white stick, it left some white residue after applying, which could end up on clothes or on someone’s face if their face was shoved into an armpit, rubbed around for 30 seconds, while hearing, “Who’s your daddy!?!”

Of course, as I noted earlier, I failed to get another person to smell my armpit to find out what they thought of this anti-perspirant/deodorant. However, I’m going to give you the opportunity to smell my armpit and let me know what you think of the Axe Dry Clix scent.

Above is a picture of my armpit with the Axe Dry Clix applied. To smell, just scratch the picture on your computer monitor, place your nose next to the monitor, and inhale deeply with your nose. If it doesn’t work the first time, I suggest you keep trying. If it doesn’t work at all, I recommend you get a new monitor. If you are able to smell it, let me know what you think in the comments.

Right now I’m going to stick with the Clix, because I’m too lazy to buy another deodorant and there are a few people out there whose faces I would like to shove into my armpit, rub it around for 30 seconds, and ask them “Who’s their daddy!?!”

Item: Axe Dry Clix
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Smells all right in the container. Keeps my armpits dry. Trimming armpit hair so that it doesn’t look like I have a kitten in a headlock.
Cons: Not being able to find someone to smell my armpit. Doesn’t smell as good when applied to my armpits. Doesn’t glide easily under my armpit. Being too lazy to buy new deodorant. White residue left behind after applying may end up on clothes.

Purple S’Creme Slurpee

Marvo 32 Comments

Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven Slurpees, which are not only cold and refreshing, they can also turn your tongue into colors that are usually only made possible through sexually transmitted diseases.

For example, the Coke and Pepsi Slurpees can turn your tongue brown or black like herpes. If you’ve ever had either a banana or pina colada Slurpee you know that it can turn your tongue yellow much like chancroid would if you went down on an Eastern Asian sex worker. The strawberry Slurpee can make a tongue red much like gonorrhea would do to some dude’s schlong.

My tongue right now is purple, but it’s not due to syphilis from a three dollar hooker or pubic lice bites from a 50 cent dollar hooker, it’s from the somewhat new Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

The most interesting thing about the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is that it’s much like a transvestite prostitute, its outside appearance is deceiving.

By just looking at the picture above you’d expect it to have some kind of purple-ish flavor, like grape, plum, sweet potato, eggplant, or Barney. However, just like undressing a transvestite prostitute, taking a sip of the Purple S’Creme Slurpee will bring you a surprise.

Although it’s an unpleasant surprise when taking off the clothes of a transvestite prostitute and a positive surprise when tasting the Purple S’Creme Slurpee.

Under that purple icy exterior was a great vanilla flavor, which reminded me of the blue vanilla Slurpees the 7-Eleven down the street from me once served. Oh, those were wonderful delicious memories. Much better memories than the particular memory I have of the time I spent with a particular tall woman with really long fingers, a deep voice, and legs hairier than mine.

It didn’t taste like there was a hint of any other flavor in the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. It was just delicious vanilla that I could enjoy without the need for condoms or dental dams, like I would need if I went on a Southeast Asian sex trip.

Although I will have to admit, just like if I had gonorrhea, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee caused me pain and discomfort, but that was due to the Brain Freeze I got from sucking down the Slurpee too fast and not because of a night spent with a 47-year-old, three-kid, five-tattoo stripper named Big Momma.

Unfortunately, the Purple S’Creme Slurpee is caffeine free, which is good for tired moms with hyperactive children, but not good for hardcore gamers, caffeine-addicted office workers, or prostitutes that need a pick-me-up after being picked up.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to my boss for recommending the Purple S’Creme Slurpee. Also, thanks to my boss for hiring me.)

Item: Purple S’Creme Slurpee
Price: $1.39 (28-ounce)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good vanilla flavor. Cold and refreshing. Perfect on a hot, burning day. Possibly perfect on a hot, burning schlong. Condoms. Dental dams. Colorful tongues from Slurpees.
Cons: Caffeine free. Purple color is deceiving, like a transvestite prostitute. Pubic lice. Brain Freeze. Colorful tongues from sexually transmitted diseases.

REVIEW: Quaker Breakfast Cookies

Marvo 33 Comments

I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.

Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.

I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.

By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.

Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”

Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”

They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.

I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.

Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for sending me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)

Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.