La Choy Beef Chow Mein

Ace 27 Comments

I feel like I haven’t been putting my Asian-ness to good use on The Impulsive Buy. Crashing my car last month was proof that I‘m giving credence to my heritage in my day-to-day life, but I wanted to take that Eastern expertise to a food review. Luckily for me, Wal-Mart sells various ethnic cuisines of questionable authenticity and it was easy for me to pick something out that looked intriguing.

Usually, “intriguing” for me means “so ridiculously ludicrous and insulting that I bet no other site has reviewed this.” This time, however, La Choy’s Beef Chow Mein genuinely looked like a tasty meal. As soon as I opened it up, though, I soon realized that things out of cans are rarely gourmet and never fresh. The top can, which contained brown gravy with a few specks of beef, resembled a premium soup that Alpo would make for dogs. The bottom can contained blanched bean sprouts, baby corn, carrots, water chestnuts, celery, and red pepper. Almost all of the mix was soggy bean sprouts.

It suddenly occurred to me that this chow mein had absolutely no chow mein in it. Maybe I‘ve been eating too much bastardized Chinese food, but I had always thought that chow mein was basically noodles with some sort of vegetables mixed in. I went to Wikipedia to restore some semblance of sanity to the situation, but they confirmed my initial suspicions that chow mein was indeed noodles. Which begged the question: What the fuck am I eating?

Whatever it was, it wasn’t anything that I would ever order at Panda Express. After mixing the vegetables with the beef sauce and simmering it for a few minutes, I tried some and savored the taste of limp bean sprouts in a sauce that tasted like something from a can of Chunky Soup. Mmm…mmm! I also loved the fact that the small portion seen on the can has more beef than the entire contents of what they’re really selling. That’s what I like to call value for money!


Even through my disappointed sarcasm, I couldn’t help but feel bad about the purchase. Can tasty Asian food ever come out of a can? Are we doomed to be stuck in the realm of takeout food? I pondered these questions as I put my chopsticks in the sink. Even baby corn’s intrinsic awesomeness couldn’t save the rest of the pan from going into the trash.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 cup – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 mg of cholesterol, 880mg sodium, 11 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 40% Vitamin A, 25% Vitamin C, 4% Calcium, and 10% Iron)

Item: La Choy Beef Chow Mein
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Comes in two separate cans so you feel like you’re actually making your own meal. Variety of vegetables theoretically make it interesting. You can add more beef or tofu to it in order to make it edible.
Cons: Vegetables have little to no texture. No chow mein in the chow mein. Can of “beef” is almost all sauce.

Fizzy Lizzy Brings the Izzy

Marvo 13 Comments

The founder of Fizzy Lizzy, whose name is Liz (go figure) sent me an email after reading TIB’s review of the Costa Rican Pineapple Fizzy Lizzy. Of course, a lot of the information I gave about the artwork on the Fizzy Lizzy bottle were uneducated guesses and probably inaccurate, because I am an ignorant moron. Liz got a kick out of the review, but she also wanted me to know the truth about the logo. So I thought I’d share what she told me.

According to Liz, the woman in the logo is supposed to be her, although she admits that her hair is not as well-behaved. She also said that in the logo she’s holding a sprig of leaves behind her back and not farting them, like I originally thought. Liz did say that Fizzy Lizzy doesn’t make someone fart, but does make one burp.

Well, that clears things up for me. Thanks to Liz for taking the time to fill me in on the Fizzy Lizzy logo. I learned something new today and I hope you did too.

Winners of Weird Japanese Soda Announced!!!

Marvo 5 Comments

I’m going to announce the winners of the recent prize drawing we held here at TIB for the Pepsi Blue Hawaii. Right off the bat, I have to say that almost all of you didn’t win, but do not fret because we will be holding a new prize drawing really soon. What are the prizes? A date with me at a fine Italian restaurant? Eating microwaveable dinners with Ace? A sculpture made out of chewing gum? You’ll just have to keep an eye out for the announcement.

Now on to the winners of the weird Japanese soda.

Winners were chosen using an online random number generator because that’s how we do it in the 21st Century. Picking things out of a hat is yo’ mamma’s way. Here are the two lucky winners of the Pepsi Blue Hawaii:

Comment #32 – Aimee
Comment #71 – Reprobate

Each winner will receive a bottle of Pepsi Blue Hawaii.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

REVIEW: Spearmint Pure Mints

Marvo 18 Comments

I never thought a company would make a product specifically for vain douchebags, but the Spearmint Pure Mints with its included mirror under the lid seems like it’s perfect for those who like fresh breath and enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror while admiring their perceived awesomeness.

(Editor’s Note: These Pure Mints are not related in anyway with Meltzer’s Puremints.)

If you drive a Porsche convertible with the license plate that says MYRIDE, you are a douchebag and these mints might be perfect for you. If you go around in the middle of the night and blast rap music from your tricked out 1985 Toyota Tercel hatchback from some shitty rapper who only raps about how awesome he is, you are a douchebag and these mints might be meant for you. If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.

There really isn’t anything special about the Spearmint Pure Mints themselves. Each mint is quite small, which is something I don’t like because I feel that I need to take more than one to freshen my breath. To give you an idea of how small they are, it would take three or four of them to equal the mass of one curiously-strong Altoid. I also didn’t like how minty they were. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a slap to the face and 1 being a tickling of my beard, these mints were a 5.

The only thing the Spearmint Pure Mints have going for themselves is the mirror under the mint tin’s lid. Unfortunately, the mirror is small, so if you’re a really big douchebag, you won’t be able to see much in it since your ego is probably taking most of the space. Even at arms length, I couldn’t see my entire face. It’s so ineffective that it probably won’t do you any good if you’re doing something practical like trying to put on makeup or signaling someone using Morse code. I think the mirror is only good for looking to see if you have something in between your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose.

Besides douchebags, I’m not sure if the Spearmint Pure Mints would be appropriate for others. The one thing I know for sure is that if you’re a douchebag wanting to cover the stank of douchebagness, these mints won’t do it, because a douchebag with fresh breath is still a douchebag.

Item: Spearmint Pure Mints
Price: $1.48
Size: 0.28 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: There’s a mutha fuckin’ mirror inside. Mints were average. Sugar-free.
Cons: Mints are small. Mirror is really small for big douchebags. Not curiously-strong. Meant for douchebags. Douchebag vanity license plates. Douchebag rap lyrics.

Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash Refill

Marvo 33 Comments

I’d like to think I’m an eco-friendly person. I recycle plastic bottles, glass, newspapers, and cardboard; I drive 40 miles per hour on the freeway and get called “grandma” by non-eco-friendly drivers to maximize my car’s gas mileage; I take lame gifts given to me, rewrap them, and give them to someone else; and I flush the toilet only if I go Number Two. I also love companies that promote eco-friendly products and ideas, so it is no surprise that I really like the Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill, which consists of 96 ounces of pure Method eco-friendly goodness.

The regular 12-ounce bottle of Method Hand Wash costs about $3-$4, so it was really nice to get eight times the amount of soap for only twice the price at Costco. Whether you have to wash after shaking the hand of someone who you think is crazy or get fresh blood off of your hands, the Method Sea Mineral Hand Wash will get your hands clean in a biodegradable, triclosan-free, naturally derived, and animal testing-free way. The Sea Mineral soap itself had a pleasant, clean scent that kind of reminded me of the sea, but I’m not sure about it smelling like sea minerals. Although, I have to admit that I don’t know what sea minerals are, which is, of course, sad because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Method could’ve gone the easy route and just put something simple on the bottle to encourage us to recycle it, like “Recycle this, bitch!” Instead, printed on the bottle are their recommendations for possible uses when it’s empty, which are turning it either into a vase, water jug, or piggy bank. However, when I’m done with mine I’m probably going to either go all Matthew McConaughey on it and turn it into a musical instrument or carry it around with me and whenever I come up with a good idea I hold it above my head upside down.

With all of this eco-friendly love, I feel like hugging a tree, but I’m afraid I might hurt it, so instead I’ll have to settle for hugging this huge Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill bottle, which you can see below.

Item: Method Sea Minerals Hand Wash Refill
Price: $7.89
Size: 96 ounces
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nice smell. Big refill. Cheap for a Method product. Biodegradable, triclosan-free, naturally derived, and animal testing-free. Convenient handle. It’s blue. Bottle encourages you to reuse the bottle.
Cons: Not sure if it smells like sea minerals. I don’t know what sea minerals are, despite living on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I think it’s only available at Costco. Having to be the person who uses the toilet after me.