REVIEW: Taco Bell Black Jack Taco

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As you can see, the most intriguing ingredient of the Taco Bell Black Jack Taco is its black shell, which looks like its been either out in the sun for too long, touched by the Grim Reaper or farted on by someone who just ate food from Taco Bell.

The black taco shell is the ONLY thing interesting about the Black Jack Taco and I think it’s the ONLY reason why people are buying it. It’s just like Playboy Magazine; guys only buy it for the pictures of nude women inside. The articles are only there so that they have something to read during their refractory periods.

While it may look interesting, the black taco shell is like Lady Gaga when she picks something to wear, it doesn’t have much taste. It tastes like Taco Bell’s normal yellow taco shell, which I guess I should be glad about, since my imagination believes if the black taco shell were to have a flavor it would be gangrene.

The filling has the same seasoned ground beef, shredded lettuce, and shredded cheese you will find in 75 percent of the items on Taco Bell’s menu, so it’s not worth writing about beyond the almost 40 words in this sentence.

The Black Jack Taco also comes with a white pepper jack cheese sauce. The white sauce combined with the black shell give the taco a color contrast usually found with piano keys, TV’s made before the 1960s and Spy vs. Spy comics. While not as interesting as the black taco shell, the slightly spicy pepper jack cheese sauce does give this menu item some flavor and spice, although it’s not as tasty as Taco Bell’s nacho cheese and Volcano sauces.

With all the ingredients combined, it creates a taco with a taste that doesn’t really impress me. The pepper jack sauce isn’t bold enough to me and the shell is only for show. But it’s what I expected from Taco Bell — taking whatever ingredients they have, pouring them into fine China, sticking them in a China shop, releasing a bunch of bulls in the shop and whatever ingredients weren’t trampled on gets chosen for the next menu item.

The Black Jack Taco is only around for limited time, but it’s not something I’ll miss when the Fast Food Grim Reaper takes it away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Black Jack Taco -210 calories, 17 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 430 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Grub Grade said it was decent. Junk Food Betty liked it a lot. Review Spew gave it a 2-star rating…barely. Fast Food Reviewed said it was okay. Would I Buy It Again wouldn’t buy it again.)

Item: Taco Bell Black Jack Taco
Price: $1.09 (almost everywhere else it’s 89 cents)
Size: 1 taco
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Black taco shell looks interesting. Something different to order. Pepper jack sauce had a little spice to it. Playboy Magazine.
Cons: Black taco shell is just for show. Pepper jack sauce wasn’t bold enough for me. Not something I would miss when it’s gone. Lady Gaga’s wardrobe choices. Black taco shell looks like its been touched by the Grim Reaper.

REVIEW: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream

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Surprisingly, in real life, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream looks very similar to the picture on the box. This is a rare occurrence. For years, companies have always tried to make their products more appealing in photos than they are in real life, except some Ralph Lauren ads.

Each box of this product contains two paper bowls with a hefty splooge of brownie batter and two cups with chocolate chip and butter fudge topped ice cream cups. Preparing the dessert is so easy that a Jessica Simpson could do it, but the “Ready In 45 Seconds” claim on the box isn’t quite correct, unless you have the quick hands of a world champion masturbator, because the bowl of batter needs to be microwaved for 35-45 seconds, which doesn’t leave much time to push the ice cream out of its cup, with the butter fudge side down, and onto the warm brownie.

The ice cream and brownie by themselves aren’t at all special, but just like the Wonder Twins, the awesomeness doesn’t happen until they give each other a fist bump. Unfortunately, I’m the one who had to say, “Form of a tasty dessert that’s not restaurant quality.” With the butter fudge on top of the warm brownie, it melts to a nice gooey consistency, while keeping the ice cream from melting too quickly.

When the brownie and ice cream are combined, the Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream is a delightful, decadent dessert, although I wish they used better ingredients. The flavor is dominated by chocolate, but that’s never a bad thing, unless you’re being waterboarded with chocolate milk. The brownie was a little too moist for my tastes, but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t let it cool down first. But if I let it cool down, the butter fudge won’t melt.

Oh, if only all catch-22 situations involved chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 dessert – 340 calories, 17 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 29 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 8% calcium and 10% iron.)

(NOTE: On Second Scoop also reviewed it)

Item: Edwards Singles Hot Fudge Brownie with Creamy Ice Cream
Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delightful dessert. Reasonably priced. Looks similar to what’s on the box. Catch-22 situations that involve chocolate.
Cons: Brownie and ice cream aren’t high quality. High is saturated fat. Being waterboarded with chocolate milk. Photoshopped models.

REVIEW: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)

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If Bud Light is going to make up a word like “drinkability” in order to describe their shitty, watery beer, I’m going to create my own lingo when talking about chewing gum.

Despite what a few people think, some chewing gums don’t taste the same. Is a show starring Alec Baldwin the same as a show starring Daniel or William Baldwin? Does Kathie Lee Gifford scare away children when wearing makeup or without makeup? (Okay, that’s was bad example, because she scares either way.) But is a douche bag holding fluid to clean a vagina worse than a douchebag holding Heidi Montag?

Bottom line. There is a difference and some chewing gums have it. It’s called chewability — that just right taste that lasts long enough to make your breath smell like something other than the onions you just ate, satisfy your oral fixation or mask your alcohol-stained breath during a police DUI checkpoint.

The Trident Layers Gum has chewability…most of the time it’s in my mouth, and for a length of time that’s equivalent to how long I last in bed.

It comes in two duo flavors: Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple. Each Trident Layers piece looks like a crustless jelly sandwich one might find in an LSD-induced psychedelic dream, or if you’re George Clinton, a Funkadelic dream, baby.

The gum may be layered, but its flavor comes in waves. The Green Apple + Golden Pineapple flavor starts off tasting like a Jolly Rancher green apple candy, but then after about a minute, it starts tasting somewhat like pipe tobacco for 30 seconds. After that it’s pineapple flavor all the way. As for the Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus, it begins with a strong citrus flavor, which I believe is orange. After the citrus flavor subsides at about the two minute mark, the berry flavor kicks in. Both varieties begin to really lose their flavor after about ten minutes.

I enjoyed both flavors of Trident Layers, although not during those 30 seconds when the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. It’s like I’m chewing an adult version of Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious gum, except it’s hard to blow a decent-sized bubble with this gum.

But bubbles blowing don’t matter when it comes to chewability. And it also doesn’t matter to blowability, which is used to describe (use your imagination here).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Price: $1.24
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Tangy Citrus & Green Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Pros: Nice flavors. Soft chew. Flavors come in waves. They look super cool when trippin’ on LSD. George Clinton. Alec Baldwin acting in 30 Rock.
Cons: For about 30 seconds the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. Looses flavor quicker than I would like. Kathie Lee Gifford with or without makeup. Daniel or William Baldwin acting in anything.

REVIEW: Orbit Pina Colada Gum

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I wish Orbit Gum would stop pussyfooting around it.

The girly drink flavors have to come to an end and they have to develop beer-flavored chewing gum. It seems like the next logical step for Orbit, unless they want to go all Willy Wonka on us and make a three-course-dinner gum.

I’ve even come up with beer gum names they can use for a small upfront five-figure fee and future royalties: Aroma Ale and Muddy Minty Stout.

Right now, Orbit has four flavors named after girly alcoholic beverages: Sangria Fresca, Fabulous Fruitini, Mint Mojito and, their latest, Pina Colada. Although, before they come out with their beer-flavored gum, I hope they introduce a margarita flavor, which I believe is the Official Drink of College Girls Who End Up On Girls Gone Wild Videos.

The scent of the Orbit Pina Colada is part coconut and part pineapple, which, obviously, makes sense since they’re two of the main ingredients in a pina colada. Here’s something not so obvious about coconuts and pineapples; they make excellent weapons in close combat.

The hard exterior of coconuts can knock out an opponent or be used as a shield, while a pineapple can cause brief paralysis, but it’s not due to its spiky skin, instead it’s from the shock of being attacked with a fruit.

I’m not a fan of pina coladas, coconuts or asinine news anchor banter, unless it contains the phrase “keep fucking that chicken,” but I really enjoyed the flavor of this gum. It has a strong, sweet pineapple flavor with a bit of coconut, and there’s a little bit of mint, but not enough to make me think it’s freshening my breath. After about four minutes of chewing, it loses most of its flavor, but I kept it in my mouth for another 20 minutes or so before I had to spit it out due to an almost complete lack of flavor.

While it may not contain any alcohol, unless you consider sugar alcohol something you can get wasted off of, and it’s kind of a girly flavor, I think the Orbit Pina Colada Gum is quite tasty and I’ll continue to purchase it. If you’re looking to add something different to your chewing gum rotation, this would make a fine pick…until Orbit Muddy Minty Stout Gum is available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Pina Colada Gum
Price: $1.17
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great pineapple/coconut flavor. Sugar free. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time. Something different to add to chewing gum rotation. News anchor bloopers ending up on YouTube.
Cons: Not really minty. No alcohol. Asinine news anchor banter. Being attacked by a coconut or pineapple. No beer flavored gum, yet.

REVIEW: Eclipse Breeze Gum (Exotic Berry & Exotic Mint)

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The Eclipse Breeze Gum contains an ingredient called cardamom, which sounds less like an ingredient and more like a dancehall reggae artist. Big up! According to the packaging, “Cardamom is a natural ingredient that has been used for centuries in Asian and India to freshen breath and is scientifically proven to neutralize even the toughest breath odors from coffee, garlic, onions and even smoking.”

This bad breath beating gum comes in two flavors: Exotic Mint and Exotic Berry. I have no idea what’s exotic about them. I’ve been to a number of places with the word “exotic” in their name, so I think I might know a little something about being exotic.

For example, I’ve been to Exotic Nights, Exotic Nites, Exotic Knights, Exotic Heaven, Club Exotic, Exotic Club, Platinum Exotic, Exotic Dreams, Wild Exotic, Exotic Pulse, Exotic Gold, Exotic Indulgences, Exotic House, Exotic Ecstasy, Exotic Moon, Exotic Moon 2, and Exotic Moon 3.

From my experiences at these fine establishments, I don’t think the flavors of the Eclipse Breeze gum are exotic because they don’t make me want to spit out dollar bills, like a human ATM, into the g-strings of female 20-somethings, or occasionally, usually during the day, 30-somethings with cesarean section scars.

Unlike most of the latest chewing gums, the Eclipse Breeze doesn’t have a strong flavor. While others give a big minty kick, these are more like a nudge. But don’t let that nudge fool you, the cardamom does an excellent job of freshening your breath, but it doesn’t do it by burning your mouth with mint flavor.

While the Eclipse Breeze gum does great with turning your foul breath into something much more pleasant, I wish the flavor of the Exotic Berry didn’t make me want to punch my own face to spit it out. At the beginning, it had a decent fake strawberry-ish flavor, but once I penetrated its hard outer shell, its taste quickly turned medicine-like, making me wonder if I was being punished for something.

As for the Exotic Mint, it was significantly better than Exotic Berry and its flavor reminded me of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum, but I was disappointed a set of hot blonde twins didn’t come with it.

I guess I’ll have to go to Exotic Moon 2 for that.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 pieces – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Eclipse Breeze Gum (Exotic Berry & Exotic Mint)
Price: $1.25
Size: 12-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Exotic Berry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Exotic Mint)
Pros: Does an excellent job of freshening breath quickly. Sugar free. Exotic Mint tastes like Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum. Five calories for two pieces. Exotic Moon 2.
Cons: Exotic Berry flavor was somewhat vile. Doesn’t have strong flavors. Flavors weren’t exotic and didn’t make me want to become a human ATM near women in g-strings. Cardamom sounds like a reggae artist. Exotic Knights, which got its name because Exotic Nights and Exotic Nites were already taken.