REVIEW: Quaker Breakfast Cookies

Marvo 33 Comments

I’m not of big fan of the future, or its friends Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick. They’ve disappointed me so many times, like at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2000 when everyone thought the world was going to end because of Y2K.

Just to let you know, I’m still eating the canned food I stocked up on back then and I’ve still got my looting gear, which consists of bricks to break windows, a black mask to hide my face, and a shopping cart to carry all the stuff I was going to steal.

I thought the future would bring us personal jet packs that would allow everyone to fly like birds, make it possible for short Asian people to dunk basketballs on regulation height rims, and give everyone the opportunity to join the Mile High Club. Instead we have the Segway personal transporter, which zips at a brisk 12.5 MPH and makes everyone who rides one look like a smug prick.

By now I thought there would be a MTV channel which plays ONLY music videos. For a while MTV2 filled that role, but quicker than you can say Wonder Showzen (which is frickin’ hilarious), but not as quick as I am to change the channel when The Andy Milonakis Show comes on, MTV2 began to focus less on music videos.

Finally, I hoped the future would bring breakfast pizza. I’m not talking about the leftover pizza sitting on the counter or in the fridge from last night’s swinger party you had. I’m talking about fresh pizza that I can order at 5:30 in the morning and have it delivered to my apartment within 30 minutes by some guy whose tip is going to be, “Here’s your tip. Don’t be a pizza delivery guy for the rest of your life.”

Instead, we have breakfast cookies to eat, which depending on your breakfast eating habits, is something totally new, a bowl of Cookie Crisp, or something you ate throughout college using Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

The breakfast cookies I’m talking about are the new Quaker Breakfast Cookies, which come in two flavors, Oatmeal Raisin and Apple Cinnamon. Despite its name, they’re more of a mid-morning snack instead of something that would be, as most cereal commercials say, “Part of a nutritious breakfast.”

They’re definitely healthier than regular cookies since they’re made with whole grain rolled oats and contain 5 grams of dietary fiber, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, zero grams of trans fat, and a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. However, I don’t know if its healthiness quite makes up for its decent taste. I’ve never had an apple cinnamon cookie before, but I’ve had better tasting oatmeal raisin cookies than the Quaker Breakfast Cookies version.

I also gave a couple of cookies to my co-worker, who took a bite out of one of them, told me they were disgusting, threw away the uneaten portion, and then put me on her shit list.

Each soft and chewy cookie is about three inches to three and a half inches in diameter, which is a good size for a cookie, and they’re individually-wrapped, which makes it convenient for those people on the go, like those waking up the next morning after a swinger party on a workday.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the folks at Quaker and Fleishman-Hillard for sending me a couple of boxes of Quaker Breakfast Cookies. I predict that after reading this review they will never send me anything else ever again. Also, for more reviews of these cookies, go check out Bryan’s review at Cheap Eats and TG’s same-day thoughts at NYCE.)

Item: Quaker Breakfast Cookies
Price: FREE (Retails for $3.29)
Purchased at: Received free from Quaker
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Healthy. Individually packed. Good size. Makes a good mid-morning snack. 5 grams of dietary fiber. Vitamins and minerals. Wonder Showzen. Breakfast pizza. Cookie Crisp. Might be good for swinger parties.
Cons: Not the greatest tasting cookies in the world. Not part of a nutritious breakfast. Not good for those who don’t like soft cookies. No music only MTV. No personal jet packs. Being on my co-worker’s shit list.

Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray

Marvo 28 Comments

Over the years, I have learned an important lesson: When alcohol and silicone are taken away from something, they instantly lose their fun factor.

For example, a party at the Playboy Mansion wouldn’t be any fun without alcohol and silicone. Strip clubs would be less enjoyable minus alcohol and silicone. Finally, Anna Nicole Smith would be less fun and harder to parody without alcohol and silicone.

Recently, I found a product that debunks the lesson I learned, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Not only does it not have any alcohol or silicone, which it proudly boasts on its packaging, it also doesn’t have any calories, fat, sodium, carbohydrates, and cholesterol.

With none of that in the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray, you’re probably asking yourself, how can it be any fun?

Well with the right people, items and body parts, it can be hella fun.

For example, did you see the episode of Family Guy when the employees of Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory had a competition at their company picnic to see who could catch a greased-up deaf guy? You can recreate this thanks to the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray.

Just get a bunch of your friends. Find a place with a lot of open space, like a city park, state university campus, or cemetery. Then have everyone draw straws. The one with the shortest straw has to strip down to their skivvies and be sprayed all over with the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray. Give that person a 30 second head start and some earplugs, then you folks can have yourself some greasy giggly fun.

Oh yeah, just a warning. Do not play this game in the middle of the day, unless you plan to eat your friend once you capture them and they’ve had time to cook in midday sun.

Do you have plastic sheets, a significant other, and did you run out of sensual massage oil?

If you said yes to all three, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray in your foreplay activities. Just spray it on body parts and then rub, stroke, lick, and/or tickle. I sprayed some on my body and it felt kind of good once I got used to the butter scent. I also made a video of me rubbing it on, which you can view here (Quicktime required).

Oh yeah, another warning. Do not use the cooking spray as a lubricant for condoms and please remember to dispose of plastic sheets when done with sweet, sweet lovemaking.

Now if you’re really crazy and want to have some real fun, you can use the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to cook things or add some light butter flavor to foods like popcorn.

Usually, I use a tablespoon of butter when making an omelette, but the other morning I used the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray to make a turkey, cheese, and broccoli omelette. I really couldn’t taste the butter flavor from the cooking spray, but it did prevent my eggs from sticking to the pan.

Like its greasy distant spraying cousin, WD-40, the Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray has a lot of fun uses, but you just have to find them. Although WD-40 totally sucks as a sensual massage oil.

Item: Mazola Pure Butter Cooking Spray
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hella fun. No fat. No cholesterol. No sodium. No carbs. No calories. Can add a light buttery flavor to popcorn. Aluminum can is strokeable. Not just for cooking, it’s like WD-40. Possible massage oil replacement.
Cons: A Playboy Mansion party without alcohol and silicone. Too light of a buttery taste. Might’ve been more fun with alcohol and silicone.

Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection

Marvo 27 Comments

Despite my extremely macho exterior, I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I feel like crying.

I’m not talking about a tear drop falling down my cheek, like I’m a Native American in a littering commercial or I’m listening to emo rock. I’m also not talking about my eyes getting watery like I have allergies or because I just got roshamboed in the balls.

I’m talking about full on bawling, like I would if a girlfriend broke up with me or I was being hunted down by the Predator or a chihuahua puppy that likes to bite ankles. I would also intensely cry if I were strapped to a chair and forced to either watch the direct-to-video Bring It On: All or Nothing or be given a lap dance by an oiled down Sally Struthers in a G-string.

I wasn’t always like this. Before, I was a manly man with a manly hairy chest and would only cry when my favorite sports teams won a championship.

However, I have grown a sensitive side, thanks to the 1990s Ralph Tresvant song “Sensitivity,” which taught me that women like men with a sensitive side and I need to be someone who can love you, someone who will need you, someone who will treat you right (like me girl), someone who will hold you tight, and someone stable in your life (ah baby).

Now I’m still a rough and rugged man on the outside, but on the inside I’m a fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll and I think I’m getting worse.

For example, the other day, I was watching the Karate Kid. During the final scene when Daniel-san goes into the Crane Technique and then strikes that asshole Johnny in the face, I started frickin’ bawling right after the crowd started cheering Daniel-san’s victory.

Whenever I feel a good cry coming on, I get the box of Kleenex ready. If there isn’t a box of Kleenex around, I’ll use a t-shirt sleeve, mine or someone else’s, or a pants leg or I’ll just let it drip dry.

The problem with Kleenex boxes is the fact that they’re so rigid and the floral designs on them make me even sadder because they remind me of funerals. So when I saw these Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes with their sparkly bright colors and pleasing rounded shape, I was ecstatic. I was so thrilled that I started to cry a little in the store out of pure joy and had to rip open the box that’s pictured above.

It was like the Kleenex box got a makeover from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy dudes. I think the changes to the boxes are not only pretty, but they’re practical as well. The box’s curved body makes it ideal to hug, because whenever I cry, I need to hug something. A normal rectangular Kleenex box is like your aunt who wears wayyyy too much Avon rose scented perfume, you just feel uncomfortable hugging them.

I think it’s nice that Kleenex is modernizing their boxes, but the pretty graphics and hugability doesn’t quite make up for the fact that the Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection boxes are slightly more expensive than a normal Kleenex box. To me, price does matter because I cry a lot and go through many Kleenex boxes, especially whenever I watch Beaches.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection box and go listen to some Dashboard Confessional.

Item: Kleenex Expressions Oval Collection
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s Kleenex. Pretty shiny graphics. Box shape is perfect for hugging, when you need something to hold. The Crane Technique. Mr. Miyagi. A good cry.
Cons: Pricey for a box of Kleenex. My fragile Precious Moments porcelain doll interior. A Sally Struthers lap dance. Rectangular, rigid Kleenex boxes. Chihuahua puppies.

Happy Second Anniversary!!! (Or Happy Blogiversary!!!)

Marvo 183 Comments

(Editor’s Note: I thought with it being The Impulsive Buy’s second anniversary today, I would take the time to let you know more about The Impulsive Buy via an interview with someone who knows me quite well. As a matter of fact, I’ve slept with this person so many times that this person knows the ins and outs about me, The Impulsive Buy, and a couple of sexual position that I cannot physically explain without dislocating something. The person I’m talking about is…myself.)

Marvo: First off, let me congratulate you on reaching the two year milestone at The Impulsive Buy.

Marvo: Thanks, it’s been an awesome two years.

Marvo: So let’s start at the beginning.

Marvo: Let’s.

Marvo: How did The Impulsive Buy start?

Marvo: On a dark and stormy night, I was celebrating the fact that I was unemployed and my girlfriend broke up with me by eating a half gallon of ice cream and Salt & Pepper Pringles, while reading The Onion online. I was reading The Onion because I believe that humor is the bandage for emotional wounds, I was eating ice cream because I believe it is the aloe vera for emotional burns, and I was eating the Salt & Pepper Pringles because they were new. While I was eating the Salt & Pepper Pringles, all I could think about was how crappy they were, but at the same time I was trying to prevent myself from laughing while reading some story at The Onion. That’s when I had my “you’ve got your chocolate in my peanut butter and you’ve got your peanut butter in my chocolate” epiphany and decided to start up The Impulsive Buy.

Marvo: Where did the name “Marvo” come from?

Marvo: Well, as you probably know, my first name is Marvin and I shortened it to Marvo, thinking no one would read my blog. But people began reading and the name just stuck. Thank goodness I didn’t use my original Yahoo! account name, sexxxycollegeboy1993.

Marvo: Did you know that “Marvin” means “great lover of the ocean?”

Marvo: Yes, I did, but I’m not a big fan of the ocean. Also, I like to think of myself as a great lover…period.

Marvo: I believe all your ex-girlfriends would say differently.

Marvo: You’re probably right.

Marvo: You’ve done 314 reviews so far, which one is your favorite?

Marvo: I don’t like to play favorites. I consider every single review to be like one of my illegitimate children from dozens of mommas. I sort of feel like Kevin Federline…Times twenty. I love every review equally, except the Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch review, which I wish I could drop off at an orphanage’s doorstep.

Marvo: So how are you going to celebrate the second year anniversary of The Impulsive Buy?

Marvo: I’ll probably be doing the same thing I did when it was born, eat a half gallon of ice cream, eat a can of Pringles, and cry my single lonely ass to sleep. Oh, also I’m going to have a frickin’ prize drawing. Booyah! Oh, wait. I mean, Yahtzee!

Marvo: What do you have as prizes for the Second Anniversary Prize Drawing? A date with you perhaps?

Marvo: A date with me would probably be the worst prize ever, because I would probably just take the winner to McDonald’s and only allow them to order stuff off of the Dollar Menu. Instead, three lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a mystery box containing various products the Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the past two years. The contents of each box will vary.

Marvo: What do readers have to do to enter? Is there nudity involved?

Marvo: Thank goodness, no nudity…This time. To enter the Impulsive Buy’s Second Anniversary Prize Drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please make sure you fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping.

Marvo: Are you going to be a dick and not allow international entries?

Marvo: The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Wednesday, August 9, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Wednesday, August 16, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE.

Marvo: So how are you going to determine the winners?

I haven’t decided that yet. Although I could just do what I did last year.

Marvo: Hey aren’t you forgetting the fine print?

Marvo: Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about sexy, single males waiting for you. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you letters that say “Do Not Discard” on the front of the envelope, which you eventually discard because it’s just a damn credit card application. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or Britney’s second child becoming the Antichrist.

Marvo: Well thanks for taking the time for this interview.

Marvo: Thanks for having me. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a half gallon of ice cream and a can of Pringles with my name on them.

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Marvo 39 Comments

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Oh, hello there. Benjamin Franklin here, but please feel free to call me “Benji.”

Being a founding father of America and having my signature on both the United States Constitution and The Declaration of Independence, I get some perks here in heaven. For example, because I loved doing experiments with lightning when I was alive, I sometimes get to create lightning storms.

Although, I haven’t recently because I accidently struck a few people on a golf course in Utah. I kind of find it ironic that I, the inventor of the lightning rod, struck a couple of people holding lightning rods in the form of golf clubs.

Anyway, another perk I get here up in heaven is getting to enjoy delightful food from my beloved colony…Um, I mean…state of Pennsylvania, like the Philly Cheesesteak, stromboli, and lots of Hershey’s chocolate.

The Pennsylvanian food product that I’m most intrigued with is the Tastykake. I’m intrigued by it because it’s the only snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastry that has a name that gives me a clear picture of what I’m about to eat…A tasty cake.

It’s also one of the few snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastries that has a name that doesn’t sound like something I would be offered in sexual explicit spam emails, like HoHos, Ding Dongs, and Twinkies.

Plus, by eating Tastykakes, it doesn’t give Thomas Jefferson the opportunity to quip, “You know, Benji. You are what you eat.” He always says that whenever I eat a HoHo, a Ding Dong, or a Twinkie.

Jefferson is a dear friend, but he’s such a crazy guy.

Did you know that he’s to blame for the crack in the Liberty Bell? There are all kinds of theories behind it, but the truth is that Jefferson wanted to turn the Liberty Bell into a beer funnel, or what the young people of today call a “beer bong.”

So he grabbed Samuel Adams, who supplied the beer, and myself, who held the bell upside down while he tried to bore a hole into the Liberty Bell. Unfortunately, the hole caused a crack and all the beer spilled onto Jefferson. Oh, it was a sight to behold. Good times. Good times.

Anyway, recently I tried the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets, which are Twinkie-sized pieces of sponge cake with butterscotch icing on top. It sounded wonderful, it had a nice moist texture, it wasn’t too sweet, and it tasted all right, but I was slightly disappointed with them because they didn’t seem to have a butterscotch taste at all. However, for some reason, I did detect a slight beef jerky aftertaste.

Besides the beef jerky aftertaste, another thing that disturbed me about the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets happened when I placed one on top of two sheets of paper for about 30 seconds. When I lifted it off of the paper it left an oily mark on it. I wouldn’t have noticed this if I had a plate, but heaven has no plates thanks to Jefferson’s attempts to balance spinning plates on sticks.

As I said previously, that Jefferson is a crazy guy.

Item: Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from co-worker Lia
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Yum…Icing. Moist texture. Not insanely sweet. Decent tasting. Benjamin Franklin. Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence. The United States Constitution.
Cons: No butterscotch taste. Beef jerky aftertaste. Leaves oily mark when placed on paper. Being called a HoHo, Ding Dong, or Twinkie by Thomas Jefferson.