Happy Second Anniversary!!! (Or Happy Blogiversary!!!)

Marvo 183 Comments

(Editor’s Note: I thought with it being The Impulsive Buy’s second anniversary today, I would take the time to let you know more about The Impulsive Buy via an interview with someone who knows me quite well. As a matter of fact, I’ve slept with this person so many times that this person knows the ins and outs about me, The Impulsive Buy, and a couple of sexual position that I cannot physically explain without dislocating something. The person I’m talking about is…myself.)

Marvo: First off, let me congratulate you on reaching the two year milestone at The Impulsive Buy.

Marvo: Thanks, it’s been an awesome two years.

Marvo: So let’s start at the beginning.

Marvo: Let’s.

Marvo: How did The Impulsive Buy start?

Marvo: On a dark and stormy night, I was celebrating the fact that I was unemployed and my girlfriend broke up with me by eating a half gallon of ice cream and Salt & Pepper Pringles, while reading The Onion online. I was reading The Onion because I believe that humor is the bandage for emotional wounds, I was eating ice cream because I believe it is the aloe vera for emotional burns, and I was eating the Salt & Pepper Pringles because they were new. While I was eating the Salt & Pepper Pringles, all I could think about was how crappy they were, but at the same time I was trying to prevent myself from laughing while reading some story at The Onion. That’s when I had my “you’ve got your chocolate in my peanut butter and you’ve got your peanut butter in my chocolate” epiphany and decided to start up The Impulsive Buy.

Marvo: Where did the name “Marvo” come from?

Marvo: Well, as you probably know, my first name is Marvin and I shortened it to Marvo, thinking no one would read my blog. But people began reading and the name just stuck. Thank goodness I didn’t use my original Yahoo! account name, sexxxycollegeboy1993.

Marvo: Did you know that “Marvin” means “great lover of the ocean?”

Marvo: Yes, I did, but I’m not a big fan of the ocean. Also, I like to think of myself as a great lover…period.

Marvo: I believe all your ex-girlfriends would say differently.

Marvo: You’re probably right.

Marvo: You’ve done 314 reviews so far, which one is your favorite?

Marvo: I don’t like to play favorites. I consider every single review to be like one of my illegitimate children from dozens of mommas. I sort of feel like Kevin Federline…Times twenty. I love every review equally, except the Rice Krispies Treats Kazaam Crunch review, which I wish I could drop off at an orphanage’s doorstep.

Marvo: So how are you going to celebrate the second year anniversary of The Impulsive Buy?

Marvo: I’ll probably be doing the same thing I did when it was born, eat a half gallon of ice cream, eat a can of Pringles, and cry my single lonely ass to sleep. Oh, also I’m going to have a frickin’ prize drawing. Booyah! Oh, wait. I mean, Yahtzee!

Marvo: What do you have as prizes for the Second Anniversary Prize Drawing? A date with you perhaps?

Marvo: A date with me would probably be the worst prize ever, because I would probably just take the winner to McDonald’s and only allow them to order stuff off of the Dollar Menu. Instead, three lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a mystery box containing various products the Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the past two years. The contents of each box will vary.

Marvo: What do readers have to do to enter? Is there nudity involved?

Marvo: Thank goodness, no nudity…This time. To enter the Impulsive Buy’s Second Anniversary Prize Drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please make sure you fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping.

Marvo: Are you going to be a dick and not allow international entries?

Marvo: The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Wednesday, August 9, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Wednesday, August 16, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE.

Marvo: So how are you going to determine the winners?

I haven’t decided that yet. Although I could just do what I did last year.

Marvo: Hey aren’t you forgetting the fine print?

Marvo: Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about sexy, single males waiting for you. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you letters that say “Do Not Discard” on the front of the envelope, which you eventually discard because it’s just a damn credit card application. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or Britney’s second child becoming the Antichrist.

Marvo: Well thanks for taking the time for this interview.

Marvo: Thanks for having me. Now if you’ll excuse me there’s a half gallon of ice cream and a can of Pringles with my name on them.

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Marvo 39 Comments

Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets

Oh, hello there. Benjamin Franklin here, but please feel free to call me “Benji.”

Being a founding father of America and having my signature on both the United States Constitution and The Declaration of Independence, I get some perks here in heaven. For example, because I loved doing experiments with lightning when I was alive, I sometimes get to create lightning storms.

Although, I haven’t recently because I accidently struck a few people on a golf course in Utah. I kind of find it ironic that I, the inventor of the lightning rod, struck a couple of people holding lightning rods in the form of golf clubs.

Anyway, another perk I get here up in heaven is getting to enjoy delightful food from my beloved colony…Um, I mean…state of Pennsylvania, like the Philly Cheesesteak, stromboli, and lots of Hershey’s chocolate.

The Pennsylvanian food product that I’m most intrigued with is the Tastykake. I’m intrigued by it because it’s the only snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastry that has a name that gives me a clear picture of what I’m about to eat…A tasty cake.

It’s also one of the few snack-sized, pre-packaged, and mass-produced pastries that has a name that doesn’t sound like something I would be offered in sexual explicit spam emails, like HoHos, Ding Dongs, and Twinkies.

Plus, by eating Tastykakes, it doesn’t give Thomas Jefferson the opportunity to quip, “You know, Benji. You are what you eat.” He always says that whenever I eat a HoHo, a Ding Dong, or a Twinkie.

Jefferson is a dear friend, but he’s such a crazy guy.

Did you know that he’s to blame for the crack in the Liberty Bell? There are all kinds of theories behind it, but the truth is that Jefferson wanted to turn the Liberty Bell into a beer funnel, or what the young people of today call a “beer bong.”

So he grabbed Samuel Adams, who supplied the beer, and myself, who held the bell upside down while he tried to bore a hole into the Liberty Bell. Unfortunately, the hole caused a crack and all the beer spilled onto Jefferson. Oh, it was a sight to behold. Good times. Good times.

Anyway, recently I tried the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets, which are Twinkie-sized pieces of sponge cake with butterscotch icing on top. It sounded wonderful, it had a nice moist texture, it wasn’t too sweet, and it tasted all right, but I was slightly disappointed with them because they didn’t seem to have a butterscotch taste at all. However, for some reason, I did detect a slight beef jerky aftertaste.

Besides the beef jerky aftertaste, another thing that disturbed me about the Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets happened when I placed one on top of two sheets of paper for about 30 seconds. When I lifted it off of the paper it left an oily mark on it. I wouldn’t have noticed this if I had a plate, but heaven has no plates thanks to Jefferson’s attempts to balance spinning plates on sticks.

As I said previously, that Jefferson is a crazy guy.

Item: Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from co-worker Lia
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Yum…Icing. Moist texture. Not insanely sweet. Decent tasting. Benjamin Franklin. Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence. The United States Constitution.
Cons: No butterscotch taste. Beef jerky aftertaste. Leaves oily mark when placed on paper. Being called a HoHo, Ding Dong, or Twinkie by Thomas Jefferson.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Ranch Snack Wrap

Marvo 23 Comments

Are your young, hyperactive, and easily-influenced children singing shouting the lyrics to Wiggles songs over and over again like they were drunk at a kiddie karaoke bar?

Is the fellow movie patron sitting behind you with their feet constantly kicking the back of your chair yelling things at the screen, like “Don’t open that door!” or “Run, bitch! Run!”?

Is an obnoxious, loud-mouthed television or radio political pundit attacking you for either your insane conservative beliefs or demented liberal views?

Are you in the same room as Star Jones and she’s looking at you like you’re a juicy, meaty hamburger she’d want to sink her teeth into?

If any of these things are happening to you, I’d suggest you stick a new McDonald’s Snack Wrap in their mouth. Not only will it shut them up for about two minutes, or in Star Jones’ case prevent her from eating you, they’ll also be enjoying a gosh darn tasty snack.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap consists simply of crispy chicken, cheddar jack cheese, lettuce and ranch sauce wrapped in a soft flour tortilla. The ranch sauce made it pretty tasty and the chicken was surprisingly crispy.

Its cylindrical shape is perfect for stuffing into the mouths of those who won’t shut up. Or it can be used by Britney Spears as Sean Preston’s pacifier when she can’t find her usual pacifier for him…A Taco Bell soft taco.

The McDonald’s Snack Wrap is kind of small, but I think it’s just as filling as a double cheeseburger from the Dollar Menu. Also, at $1.29, it’s inexpensive and I expect a lot of five dollar hookers will take advantage of that cheap price.

Sure, the five dollar hookers could get the cheaper double cheeseburger, but I’m sure they’re tired of having meat in their mouths and would like to have something different.

Being inexpensive can also make up for its lack of size. Obviously, if the McDonald’s Snack Wrap was bigger, it would be awesometastic and be able to shut someone up for a longer amount of time.

However, because it’s so cheap, buying two of them would double the amount of time I could keep Anna Nicole Smith from talking, because no good can come from anything that comes out of her mouth.

So if you buy one McDonald’s Snack Wrap, consider it a snack. Buy two or three, then it’s a meal. Buy four or five, it’s a meal for two. Buy one billion and it’s time to buy some McDonald’s stock.

Item: McDonald’s Snack Wrap
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. It’s gosh darn tasty, thanks to the ranch dressing. Great way to shut someone up for about two minutes. Chicken was actually crispy. Great for five dollar hookers who are tired of having meat in their mouths.
Cons: Kind of small, but what do you expect for $1.29. The Wiggles. People yelling at the screen during a movie. Insane political pundits. A hungry Star Jones.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme

Marvo 27 Comments

You just don’t mess with a classic, like Metallica’s The Black Album, Kevin Smith’s low-budget film Clerks, Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, George Lucas’ original Star Wars trilogy, or Taco Bell’s original Crunchwrap Supreme.

Unfortunately, Taco Bell did mess with the classic Crunchwrap Supreme and created the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme, which contains spicy shredded chicken, sour cream, lettuce and tomatoes, a tostada shell, and nacho cheese sauce all wrapped up in a grilled flour tortilla.

It sounds good, but in reality it’s like if George Lucas did the following things to the original Star Wars trilogy:

1. Had a hairless Chewbacca that mooed
2. Lando Calrissian always had a Colt 45 in his hand
3. Princess Leia’s gold bikini in Return of the Jedi was instead a gold Victorian dress
4. Made Greedo shoot first at Han Solo in the cantina scene

In other words, the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme just wasn’t right and doesn’t come close to being as good as the original.

It’s like Taco Bell took Metallica’s The Black Album cut off all of its long hair, turned the devil horns hand sign into the letter “I” in sign language, and added a cover of Reel Big Fish’s cover of a-ha’s Take On Me as a bonus track.

Basically, the only thing different between the original Crunchwrap Supreme and the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme is the instead of ground beef, it’s got the shredded spicy chicken. But unfortunately, that seemingly minor tweak turned out to be something as dramatic as replacing the picture of normal, jheri curl, plastic surgery-less Michael Jackson on the cover of his Thriller album with a picture of a scary, pale, nostril-less women, like Michael Jackson.

If the shredded spicy chicken was actually spicy, it might’ve been much better. Sure, adding Taco Bell’s Fire sauce would’ve turned up the heat, but doing so wouldn’t have made it — as Taco Bell likes to say — good to go, because it’s hard to put taco sauce on something while driving, playing World of Warcraft, or playing air guitar to Metallica’s album Master of Puppets.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Brie for suggesting the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Supreme
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Stays warm in thermal pouch thingy, instead of heat-escaping box. 4 grams of farty dietary fiber. 18 grams of muscle building protein. The Black Album and any Metallica albums before it.
Cons: Not as good as original Crunchwrap Supreme. Not very spicy. The music at the Taco Bell website. 3.5 grams of trans fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. Any Metallica album after The Black Album.

Soda Club Energy Drink Mix

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I loved to make things like planes made out of Lego; dams in the backyard stream; slingshots with sticks and rubber bands; forts made out of pillows, boxes, and blankets; mixtapes with Huey Lewis and the News, Prince and Cyndi Lauper; and provocative poses using stuffed animals.

Over the years, my tastes have changed, but I still love to make things like decadent desserts; custom iTunes playlists with the Barenaked Ladies, Beyonce and the Beatles; paper mache masks of assassinated U.S. Presidents; blogs I occasionally update; hot and passionate whoopie; and Build-A-Bear.

Because of my love for making things, I looked forward to trying and reviewing the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. However, I had some trepidation because I believe that the first rule of Soda Club is…you do not talk about Soda Club. Of course, the second rule of Soda Club is…you DO NOT talk about Soda Club.

Then I realized the third rule of Soda Club…taking famous lines from movies and adding your own twist to them to make you seem witty is just plain lame, especially if you’ve never seen the movie.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to make an energy drink thanks to the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix. The instructions to make a liter of it was illiterately simple due to the drawings on the back of the packaging.

1. Get a one liter bottle of seltzer water.
2. Twist off the cap of the seltzer water.
3. Squirt Soda Club Energy Drink Mix into seltzer water bottle.
4. Twist on the cap of the seltzer water.
5. Shake it like you’re a pimp trying to get yo’ money from yo’ hos.
6. Let the bottle sit for a while.
7. Enjoy.

It was definitely easier than a simple sudoku or removing a bra using only my teeth, but not as easy as figuring out Lance Bass was gay. As you can see from the picture on the left, the Soda Club Energy Drink looks like beer. For something that was low sugar and low calorie, I was surprised by how decent it tasted. It’s definitely not the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it’s definitely not the worst either. It also gave me a good boost of energy, but I guess that should happen after drinking the entire one liter bottle within 30 minutes.

The greatest appeal of the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix is the fact that is can be significantly cheaper to make your own energy drink using this mix rather than spending $1 to $2 for either a 8- or 16-ounce can of energy drinks like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

With its decent taste, decent energy boost, and inexpensive price, the Soda Club Energy Drink Mix may come in handy during those nights I’m making either a decadent dessert or wet and sticky whoopie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Emily, an intern at Soda Club, for the free samples of Soda Club Energy Drink. Actually, she sent these to me months ago, so she might not be an intern anymore. It was so long ago that she might’ve graduated from college, moved on in the world, and is right now making her way up the corporate ladder. Or she might’ve moved to the Caribbean to enjoy the warm beaches…and occasional hurricanes. Anyway, thanks again, Emily!

Item: Soda Club Energy Drink Mix
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Emily, a Soda Club intern.
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Despite being low-sugar and low calorie, it has a decent taste. Decent energy. Inexpensive compared with mainstream energy drinks. Easy to make. Looks like beer. Lots of B Vitamins. Some Vitamin C. Barenaked Ladies.
Cons: Missing the good energy stuff, like taurine and guarana, ginseng, and other things I have a hard time pronouncing. Opening bottles of soda after shaking it. Pimps trying to get money from their hos.