Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky

Marvo 37 Comments

Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky

Wind, rain, sleet, or snow will not prevent a postal worker from delivering the mail. Those things also will not prevent my mouth from burning after eating the habanero beef jerky from Jerky By Art.

Impulsive Buy reader Chuck was kind enough to send me a package of habanero beef jerky. I think he sent it because he’s a sadistic bastard, but then again, I’m a masochistic bastard, so I was happy to receive it.

I believe the only way you can tell if something is really spicy is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy. Using this criteria, the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky was definitely spicy.

While chewing on the jerky, it feels like there’s a party going on in my mouth, a Fourth of July party with lots of fireworks. Many hours later that fireworks party moves to my anus.

Once you stop eating the habanero jerky, the burn stays in your mouth for about 10 to 15 minutes.

Of course, 10 to 15 minutes seems like a lifetime when your mouth feels like you’ve just made out with Pele, the Hawaiian Goddess of Fire.

For some, this may seem like torture. But think of it this way, some people actually pay a few hundred dollars to be tortured by some woman in a tight leather suit who tells people they’re a good for nothing piece of crap that should be stepped on with her six inch heels.

Unfortunately, thinking of it this way didn’t help me. So while my mouth was burning, I looked for some quick relief.

I tried water, milk, cubes of ice, vanilla ice cream, and Pepto Bismol. (Warning: Annoying music will play on the Pepto Bismol site.)

None of them worked, but I think my masochistic side was happy with that.

The habanero jerky also made me cry and sweat at the same time, so for the past couple of weeks I’ve been only eating a couple of pieces every day, because I can only sweat and cry at the same time for a short period of time.

If I sweat and cry at the same time for long periods, I believe I will turn into dust.

Despite the burning sensation from the habanero, the jerky is actually pretty good and it’s not extremely tough like some beef jerky are. Plus, the jerky comes in nice little bite sizes.

However, the greatest thing I found out about the Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky is the fact that it makes for a great pick me up. Forget Mountain Dew or any energy drink.

Need to stay awake to cram for an exam? Need to finish a review for a quasi-product review blog? Put away the NoDoz and start chewing on some habanero beef jerky. The burn will make you forget about sleep.

Item: Jerky By Art Habanero Beef Jerky
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by Impulsive Buy reader Chuck)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really hot. Tasty. Not tough. Bite-sized pieces. Great pick me up.
Cons: Really hot. Burn lasts for 10-15 minutes. My masochistic side.

Which of the Five Will Stay Alive!!! (June Edition)

Marvo 108 Comments

If you could step into my bedroom, you would probably think to yourself:

1. Why is there a rug with the famous painting of dogs playing poker on it?

2. Is the strobe light on all the time?

3. Are the eyes in the poster-sized picture of Marvo on the wall following me?

4. What’s with all the pairs of fuzzy handcuffs?

5. Holy crap! There sure are a lot of empty bottles and boxes on that shelf.

Yes, there are a lot of empty bottle and boxes of unreviewed products on my shelf and every so often I need to whittle it down. Thank goodness for these product elections, which is an opportunity to get rid of old stuff to make room for new stuff.

Damn, I sound like a car salesman.

Anyway, for this product election, you will be able to choose from FIVE candidates:

1. Lay’s Pizza Stax

2. Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Buns Cereal

3. Nabisco Kid Sense Smilin’ Ritz Bits

4. Rip It Energy Fuel

5. Bubblicious LeBron’s Lightning Lemonade Gum

The candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will be considered the winner’s bitches.

To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Or you can email me with your choice in the subject line. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, June 5th. Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like it’s the finals of American Idol.

Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito

Marvo 23 Comments

Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito

Just like certain health clubs and establishments with 50 cent peepshow booths, one of the great things about Jack in the Box is the fact that it’s open 24 hours a day. Even better is the fact that I can order anything from their breakfast menu at any time of day.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Jack in the Box is where all the guys coming out of the establishments with 50 cent peepshow booths go, because Jack in the Box would be the ideal place to go to after jackin’ the cock.

Anyway, after coming out of an establishment with 50 cent peepshow booths at two in the morning, I had an urge for a milkshake, so I headed to the nearest Jack in the Box. While looking at the drive-thru’s menu I noticed the new Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito. I instantly knew I had to have one with my Oreo milkshake.

When I got to the drive-thru window all I had was quarters. Lots and lots of quarters. Fortunately, fast food is even more convenient since most fast food places now accept credit cards. So I whipped my credit card out and paid for my post-peepshow meal.

Stuffed in the flour tortilla of the Meaty Breakfast Burrito was ham, little balls of sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs, cheddar cheese, and pepperjack cheese. It also came with a small container of salsa, which looked more like marinara sauce than salsa.

Despite all of that stuffing, the Meaty Breakfast Burrito was kind of small. I was hoping for something the size of a bean burrito from Taco Bell, but it was only slightly bigger than a regular soft taco.

Another thing I noticed about it was its burrito form could make it easy to eat while driving to work. Although when I ate it on my couch, somehow the little balls of sausage ended up on my lap.

(Editor’s Note: Despite its burrito form that makes it easy to eat while driving, The Impulsive Buy encourages you to NOT eat while driving, especially Chicken McNuggets, popsicles, and anything that involves a fork.)

Overall, it was meatastic, eggcellent and cheesealicious. Or in other words, it was just as good as the Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

As for the salsa, it didn’t add much to the taste, plus Jack in the Box was pretty stingy with the amount given. I ran out of salsa halfway through the Meaty Breakfast Burrito.

Because the Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito is smaller than the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, it’s a bit healthier.

Although, the 490 calories, 29 grams of fat, 345 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,310 milligrams of sodium are still enough to possibly make your heart want to seek revenge the next time you’re in need of blood for an erection, like when you’re in a 50 cent peepshow booth.

Item: Jack in the Box Meaty Breakfast Burrito
Purchase Price: $2.19
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Meatastic. Eggcellent. Cheesealicious. 24-hour drive-thru. 24-hour peepshow booths. Using credit cards to purchase fast food.
Cons: Not enough of the crappy salsa. Kind of smallish. Too many quarters.

Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax

Marvo 25 Comments

Dill Pickle Stax

How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda?

No one?

Okay. Okay. How many of you have wondered what would happen if you licked Yoda, in either a drunken or high state while watching Attack of the Clones, because that’s the only way you could tolerate the bad acting?

After this wonderful nugget of a question popped into my head, an avalanche of questions began rolling in my mind.

Would I get the same psychedelic feeling that people get from licking a toad?

Would I gain Jedi powers?

Would warts form on my tongue?

Would Yoda get turned on, light up his “other lightsaber,” and say “Long time, me love you?”

Also, what does Yoda taste like?

Well thanks to Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps, I now know the answer to one of those questions. Apparently, Yoda tastes like dill pickles. However, this surprised me because I thought he would either taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.

What also surprised me was the fact that the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax potato crisps are actually good, if you like dill pickles.

It doesn’t have a very strong taste like eating an actual dill pickle, but I think it would make a great replacement in your sandwich. Just crush a few of them and sprinkle a layer on your sandwich. Mmm…Yahtzee!

Poor Yoda. From his look on the Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax container, I can tell he doesn’t look too happy that his dill pickle secret is out.

Unfortunately, as all celebrities find out, having no privacy and having your secrets being told is the price for fame. Look at Natalie Portman. There are topless photos of her all over the internet, real and fake.

Although, as O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake found out, a small benefit of being a celebrity is being able to get away with murder.

I’m surprised Yoda didn’t sense this invasion of privacy coming. Oh wait, that’s right. Fame is a part of the Dark Side. “Hard to see the future is. Cloudy is the dark side.”

Well I’m not ashamed of my unibrow, so Yoda shouldn’t be ashamed that he tastes like dill pickles, because it could’ve been worse. He could’ve tasted like cigarettes, alcohol, heroin, and bitch, like Courtney Love does.

Item: Lay’s Dill Pickle Stax
Purchase Price: $1.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly good. Yoda doesn’t taste like the swamp water of Dagobah or Bengay.
Cons: Limited edition. Thoughts of Yoda’s “other lightsaber.” The price of fame.

Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad

Marvo 34 Comments

Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad

(Editor’s Note: It’s the final day of Salad Week here at The Impulsive Buy. It was an interesting week filled drive-thru windows, black plastic bowls with clear plastic covers, way too much iceberg lettuce, and a lot of salad tossing. Today’s final salad review comes from my favorite fast food place, Jack in the Box. Enjoy.)

Being Asian, I felt I had to represent and try the Asian Chicken Salad from Jack in the Box. However, I also had another reason for picking it up: I needed more Asian in me and I was hoping that this salad could give it to me.

You see, my ethnicity is Japanese, but I am probably the most un-Japanese Japanese person in the world. I can’t use chopsticks very well. I don’t like sushi. I definitely don’t karaoke. I remember six words from the two years of Japanese language I took in college (In case you were wondering, the six words are: Hai (yes), iie (no), sake (rice wine), sushi, karaoke, and geri (diarrhea).)

I don’t even think I have enough Asian in me to make the pick up line, “Do you have Asian in you? Would you like some?” work for me.

Although, I do drive a Toyota, which kind of makes me more Asian. But then again, just because Carrie Underwood won American Idol, doesn’t mean she’s very good, and also doesn’t mean Ruben Studdard can’t eat her.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad is a very colorful salad, as you can see in the picture above. It has green leaf lettuce, some fancy red/green leaf thing, baby spinach, red onion slices, shredded carrots, mandarin orange slices, pieces of grilled white meat chicken, wonton strips, roasted slivered almonds, Asian sesame dressing, and white-ass iceberg lettuce.

After I mixed the salad in a bigger bowl, I took a few bites of it using a fork and then switched to chopsticks to see if I had gained the Asian powers to wield them properly.

When several mandarin orange slices and leafs of lettuce ended up on the carpet, I knew the art of using chopsticks wasn’t meant to be. I guess my once fast fingers’ past as “The Human Vibrators” has messed up any chances of me using chopsticks properly.

The salad was very tasty, which was due to the very good Asian sesame dressing. I also liked the various textures the salad had. From the crunchiness of the wonton strips and almonds to the soft mandarin oranges and pieces of chicken. It’s probably the best fast food salad I’ve had so far, and I’m not being biased because I’m Asian.

Despite the 590 calories, 33 grams of fat, and 1306 milligrams of sodium, the Asian Chicken Salad is surprisingly the most healthiest specialty salad on the Jack in the Box menu. It also has a whole lot of potassium and dietary fiber, which are good for you.

After eating the entire salad, which was very filling, I realized that eating Asian foods won’t ever help make me more Asian.

So now I’ll take another approach and hopefully I can become more Asian by watching lots and lots of anime porn.

Item: Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good dressing. Lots of potassium and dietary fiber. The healthiest speciality salad on the Jack in the Box menu. Filling salad. Salad Week is over, which means back to REALLY unhealthy stuff.
Cons: Didn’t make me more Asian. High in sodium and fat. Abusing my fingers from those “Human Vibrator” years.