NEWS: Kellogg’s Adds Honey To Corn Flakes To Make Them Slightly Less Damn Boring

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 12 Comments

When I want to express how boring something is, I occasionally use the phrase, “It’s like watching paint dry.” But when I want to mix it up, I use the line, “It’s like eating Corn Flakes.” Or, “It’s like watching C-SPAN with the volume turned down.”

Corn Flakes is a cereal I don’t pay attention to in the vast cereal aisle because everything about it is boring. I’m surprised there’s a rooster on the front of the box. Instead I think there should be sheep jumping over a fence, because Corn Flakes are so boring that they make me fall asleep. Recently, Kellogg’s introduced a new Corn Flakes variety with a hint of added sweetness, the Corn Flakes Touch of Honey.

I’m sure the addition of honey will make Corn Flakes a little more interesting, but why has it taken so long for Kellogg’s to do this? Corn Flakes has been around for about a century and only now they’ve come up with this idea? I guess better late than never.

A cup serving of the Corn Flakes Touch of Honey contains 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 20 grams other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.

REVIEW: Nestle Soy Sauce Kit Kat

/ / Reviews / 31 Comments

DISGRACE!

I demand the limited edition Japanese Soy Sauce Kit Kat commit seppuku right now, because it’s nothing like what I expected.

What did I expect?

I thought the whole Soy Sauce Kit Kat was going to come in the color of death, much like actual soy sauce. I’m not talking about just black or the color of eyeliner around Pete Wentz’s eyes, I’m talking about a black so dark that it’s only found in black holes and in the chest cavity of those who kill kittens and puppies for pleasure.

I wanted it to be so black that if I were to touch it, I would either wither and turn into a pile of dust or my fingers would end up in an alternate universe where dinosaurs still roam the lands and Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have their own reality show called Survivor: Heidi and Spencer Trapped on an Island Forever With Hungry Dinosaurs.

Instead it has a white chocolate exterior and a tan wafer interior.

While the Soy Sauce Kit Kat didn’t come in a color that was blacker than the void where Simon Cowell’s heart is supposed to be, I thought it was going to have a strong salty soy sauce flavor that’s so real that I would want to melt each Kit Kat finger down to liquid form and dip my spicy tuna roll or salmon nigirizushi into it. But the Soy Sauce Kit Kat doesn’t have a hint of soy sauce flavor, instead it has a strong maple syrup scent and taste.

WTF, Japan!

I expected, nay, I wanted to be disgusted by this flavor of Kit Kat. I also wanted to brag about how I was man enough to consume a salty, black Kit Kat that made my saliva glands close shut by getting a t-shirt that said, “I Survived a Soy Sauce Kit Kat.” But no, Nestle, the makers of Kit Kat in Japan had to rain on my parade and sic Godzilla on my floral floats and marching bands.

Now I’m stuck with a box of delicious tasting, crispy, maple syrup-flavored, white chocolate Kit Kat, which is the complete opposite of what I wanted. The only thing that kind of disgusted me was the unusually long length of time the maple syrup flavor lingered in my mouth, but it didn’t make me gag like a salty soy sauce flavored candy would’ve.

What are those crazy bastards in Japan going to do to mess with my taste buds next time? A Natto (fermented soybeans) Kit Kat that tastes like cotton candy? A Seaweed Kit Kat with a caramel flavor?

DISGRACE!

(Note: The AV Club reviewed these last year.)

Item: Nestle Soy Sauce Kit Kat
Price: FREE
Size: 12-pack
Purchased at: Received from parents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice maple syrup flavor. Crispy. Heidi and Spencer being eaten by dinosaurs. The variety of Kit Kat flavors in Japan. Being able to say I ate something disgusting.
Cons: Doesn’t have a hint of soy sauce flavor. Doesn’t come in the color of death. Fingers are smaller than regular sized Kit Kat. Hard to find outside of Japan. The maple syrup flavor lingered in my mouth longer than I wanted it to. Limited edition. Having your parade attacked by Godzilla.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies

/ / Reviews / 15 Comments

While frolicking through the cereal aisle, I like to think that each brand has its own personality. Corn Flakes is that friend you can always trust, but isn’t very exciting until she’s dressed up in something sassy. Raisin Bran is an elderly man at a nursing home who is always up for telling a story about when a glass bottle of Coca-Cola was a nickel and pinches his nurse’s ass after she takes his blood pressure. Fruit Loops…well…we won’t go there. Then there’s new Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies who has taken a page out of Barry Bonds’ handbook and every male enhancement advertisement that airs after 11 p.m.

When I first saw Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies I was quite intimidated by its alleged performance enhanced physique; boasting that they are three times bigger than those little weakling Rice Krispies and can beat the shit out of any cereal that crosses them. Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies will snap, crackle and pop your fucking head off.

However, Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies denies any accusations of juicing, claiming that they are healthy since they are “multi-grain.” I decided to give them a chance. Maybe their powerful size can accompany my breakfast lineup, after all Frosted Flakes has been lagging in RBI’s lately. However, these jacked up bad boys are all talk and don’t deliver when they hit my bowl.

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies resemble maggots, which is quite disturbing, but I can pretend I’m on some overdone reality show where I stuff my trap with creepy crawlers (not the kickass toy from the 90’s) and compete against E-List celebrities like William Hung or Jesse Camp. The small, yet adequate, Rice Krispies are known for their rhythmic crackling and/or popping and/or snapping, but the bloated version seems to be as rhythmically challenged as an obese drunk uncle at a wedding reception who barks the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music” and puts emphasis on the line “white boy.”

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies have a touch (more like trickle) of honey, which adds some sweetness, but it doesn’t do much for flavoring the puffed rice. Their only plus side is that they stay hard in milk, which proves they have stamina, but that doesn’t mean a thing when they bore you to the point of falling asleep with a spoonful in your mouth.

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies are higher in fiber than their older, yet smaller brother, but if you’re looking for a cereal high in fiber there are plenty of more flavorful options, including that perverted old man Raisin Bran.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Cup – 90 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies
Price: $2.19
Size: 11.2 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Multi-grain stays hard in milk. Old people getting away with not so appropriate behavior. Making fun of male enhancement commercials.
Cons: Honey adds some sweetness, but doesn’t do much for its flavor. Steroids in baseball. Resembles maggots. Falling asleep with milk dripping out of your mouth. Getting your ass kicked by an emotionally unstable breakfast cereal. Embarrassing relatives.

ANNOUNCEMENT: The Winner of the Pepsi Throwback Prize Pack!!!

/ / Announcement, General / 7 Comments

The lucky winner of the Pepsi Throwback Prize Pack is:

Comment #149 Clevegal42

Thanks to the sweet folks at Pepsi for providing this prize pack. Also, thanks to everyone who entered this prize drawing. It was fun reading through all of the comments left behind and seeing all the things you folks want resurrected. The most popular item was Crystal Pepsi, and a number of people want Planters Cheez Balls, Arrested Development and Saved by the Bell to come back.

REVIEW: Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets

/ / Reviews / 22 Comments

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets definitely aren’t helping subside the occasional nightmares I have of an attacking McDonald’s McRib that suddenly appears during the wet dream REM stage of my slumber. This 100% vegan riblet looks like a beefed up, or Super Sized, if you will, version of what’s in between the McRib’s buns.

It’s like my head is trying to recreate the typical Friday the 13th movie scene where a couple is making out in either the forest, middle of Crystal Lake, bedroom or backseat of a car, then Jason Voorhees pops out and kills them both with his machete in the most gruesome way possible.

Also, in my nightmares, the McRib is oinking and for some reason the chase scene is done in Baywatch-boobie-jiggling slow motion while the Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” plays in the background. The nightmare always ends the same way with the McRib eating me with onions and pickles in between a roll. Shortly after that, I wake up and regret my decision to eat fast food a couple of hours before falling asleep.

The Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets may look like the pork patty found in a McRib, which is a sandwich I’m not a fan of, but despite that fact, I really did enjoy these veggie riblets. If you’re expecting them to taste like pork ribs, you will be disappointed, but they do look like meat on the outside and inside.

If you feel you won’t like it because there’s no meat in it, I think your mouth will be pleasantly surprised and not repulsively surprised, like when you close your eyes and stick your face in front of a hole in the side of a public restroom stall. What makes these riblets so tasty is the sweet and smoky barbeque sauce they come drenched in, which masks the fact that you’re eating a soy protein patty shaped like a McRib.

Because they’re made from soy protein, they’re low in fat; high in protein, potassium and dietary fiber; and they make you look a little sexier to vegetarians when they see it in your cart. Consider it the vegan version of Axe body spray.

While heating a riblet in the microwave, the wonderful smell of the barbeque sauce will fill the air. Feel free to silently fart at that time, because no one will notice the smell. The product that comes out of the microwave looks very similar to what’s pictured above, which is quite rare for microwaved foods (you can also stick them in a conventional oven). Its shape makes you think there’s bones in it, just like the McRib, but it’s boneless since it’s made from soy protein, which also makes them easy to cut through without the use of a knife or machete.

The only bad things I have to say about this product are that the sodium content is quite high, I’m disappointed that there were only two riblets in the box and they will help perpetuate my McDonald’s McRib nightmares.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 riblet with sauce – 220 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 580 milligrams of potassium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein, 10% calcium and 15% iron.)

Item: Morningstar Farms Hickory BBQ Riblets
Price: $5.49
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting faux meat product I’ve ever eaten. Tasty barbeque sauce. 100% vegan. No saturated fat. High in protein. Five grams of dietary fiber. Good source of potassium (fuck B-A-N-A-N-A-S). Don’t need a knife to cut it.
Cons: Helps perpetuate my McRib nightmares. Only two per box. Somewhat high in sugar and sodium. No instructions for heating two at a time in the microwave. Being tricked into putting your face in front of a gloryhole. A killer McRib popping up in the middle of my wet dreams.