REVIEW: McDonald’s Dollar Menu

Marvo 31 Comments

McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald’s 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald’s product for today. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald’s food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you’re smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are: A double cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, small fries, small drink, hot fudge sundae, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, two apple pies, and a side salad.

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can’t be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn’t Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee’s Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald’s, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, “Balls to the wall.”

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald’s bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would’ve been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. “Help I’ve eaten three times the amount of McDonald’s food in one sitting than I should and I can’t get up because of my fat ass.”

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn’t sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could’ve been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren’t for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It’s sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It’s been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it’s like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won’t try to eat the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food…for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee’s here, whichever comes first.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, McDonald’s!!!

Item: McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheap eats, if bought individually. I’m still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
Cons: Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit ‘n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn’t finish it all. Experienced what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.

Irish Spring MicroClean

Marvo 14 Comments

Irish Spring MicroClean

Bars of soap.

They were once considered the King of the Shower, dominating the personal care aisle at stores, coming in dozens of brands, sizes, and scents. We thought so well of bars of soap, that we used to give them as gifts to people in either in the shapes of fish or on a rope. They were also once seen as goods to be taken from hotel rooms, along with the small bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and the occasional towel or ashtray.

However, bars of soap now have been reduced to a small section on the bottom shelf at stores and have been replaced by dozens of liquid body washes. They are also left behind in the hotel room, like the used condom in the trash and the Bible and the phone books in the nightstand.

It’s been years since I’ve used a bar of soap, but when I used them, my soaps of choice were Ivory and Irish Spring.

Ivory was a good soap because it was dirt cheap and Ivory claimed it was 100 percent pure. Their proof that it was pure was the fact bars of Ivory soap floated, like angels in the sky. Of course, this can’t be true because if Tara Reid were on a raft, she would still be a drunken tramp.

I also used Irish Spring because I loved the scent of it. Every time I took a shower, I would close my eyes and imagine being in Ireland during the spring, surrounded by leprechauns and four-leaf clovers, with the smell of Irish Spring in the air. Of course, later I found out that Irish Spring was just as Irish as Lucky Charms cereal.

Anyway, I switched to body washes because they were much easier to masturbate clean with than a bar of soap. Plus, they came in much better scents, even better than Irish Spring.

Recently, I got to reexperience what it’s like to use a bar of soap again, thanks to the new Irish Spring MicroClean.

The Irish Spring MicroClean looks and smells very similar to the original Irish Spring, except it has these MicroBeads in the bar, which are supposed to exfoliate the skin.

Unfortunately, the MicroBeads felt like they weren’t doing their job. It felt like a really, really fine piece of sandpaper that had been heavily used to strip the paint off of a bicycle. My loofah does a better job of exfoliating, because it feels like it’s actually ripping off my epidermis.

Even on my most sensitive parts, like my hairy nipples, I couldn’t really feel the MicroBeads. However, I did feel clean, but what soap doesn’t make you feel that way.
Another thing that bothered me about the soap was the sticky soap film, which I should’ve remembered from my previous years of using bars of soap. I guess I’m just so used to the slippery soap film that I get from using moisturizing body washes

The Irish Spring MicroClean probably won’t make me go back to using bars of soap, but I have found a nifty use them. It turns out that a bar of Irish Spring MicroClean makes for a wonderful air freshener in the bathroom.

Just stick one on a plate, leave it anywhere in the bathroom, and let the Irish Spring goodness spread throughout the room.

I think I’m going to stick a bar in my car.

Item: Irish Spring MicroClean
Purchase Price: $1.97 (3-pack)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: That familiar Irish Spring smell. Rich lather. Makes a wonderful air freshener.
Cons: Sticky soap film. Could hardly feel the MicroBeads, even on my nipples. Or maybe I couldn’t feel the MicroBeads because of the hair around my nipples.

Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies

Marvo 33 Comments

Caramel Cookies

(Editor’s Note: The winners of this month’s prize drawing have been selected. Their names have been posted in the right column. Congratulations to them and thanks to everyone who participated.)

Psst. Cookie Monster.

I read they’re cutting back your cookie consumption. That’s too bad, after all, you’re THE Cookie Monster.

I don’t understand why they’re doing this to you, it’s not your fault kids are getting fat. You should go on TV and point fingers at the fast food industry, the lack of physical education in schools, or SpongeBob SquarePants. People are blaming SpongeBob for other things, so you should just peg this one on him as well.

Anyway, so are you having withdrawals? It must be hard on you to not be able to eat cookies all the time. Addictions can be hard to break. Look at Charlie Sheen. He couldn’t stop his hooker addiction for that hottie Denise Richards.

To be honest, you eating cookies all the time wasn’t so bad. You’ve eaten them for decades and you’re not obese, you’ve never had a heart attack, and you don’t have diabetes. So I don’t understand why you NOW need to eat a balanced diet. You’re like those old men who eat bacon for every meal, smoke cigars everyday, and live until they’re 90 years old.

Well, because you and I have a lot in common, like loving cookies, having googly eyes, and hairy chests, especially around the nipple area, I’m going to help you out.

I just baked some Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies, and if you want some, I could send a dozen of them to you…for a price.

I know you’ve got money, because you’ve been on television for decades. You must be raking in, at least, a hundred thousand dollars an episode.

And don’t give me that non-profit PBS excuse, I’m sure you also get residuals from all the 120 foreign markets Sesame Street is in. Oh, and let’s not forget the money you’re making from all the merchandising.

I know you don’t make as much as Big Bird or that annoying Elmo, but you’re probably making more than Grover, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and those two lovebirds, Bert and Ernie.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a plan to get these cookies to you without your fellow Sesame Street neighbors finding out.

I’ll give the cookies to those hippies down in Fraggle Rock and they could dig a tunnel to your place and deliver the cookies to you. They’re not doing anything, except getting high, because their show ended in 1987.

Wait, on second thought, that might be a bad idea. Some of them might have a bad case of the munchies and eat your cookies before they deliver them to you.

Maybe I’ll just mail them, wrapped in coffee beans so no one can smell the cookies.

So you’re probably wondering how’s the product?

These Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies are good. They’re definitely better than those Chips Ahoy cookies, but they aren’t as good or as big as the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics I tried last month.

I know you like the traditional crunchy chocolate chip cookies, so I don’t know if you’ll really like these because the caramel filling in each cookie makes them a lot chewier and sweeter. To be honest, the caramel made them a little too sweet for me, but I don’t think you’ll notice it because you don’t ever chew your cookies anyway, you just inhale them.

Or, if you like, I can just send you the cookie dough for you to bake. These cookies are quick and easy. Just break off the globs of cookie dough, place them on a baking pan, and bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes.

However, if you decide to go the cookie dough route, the aroma from baking them could tip people off to what you’re up to and you might get into trouble. If you like, I could throw in a little incense, for an extra fee, to cover the baking smell.

Anyway, if you want this deal done, you know how to contact me.

Just to let you know, I expect half the payment up front, and the other half after delivery.

Item: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Quick and easy to bake. If you like chewy cookies, the caramel makes them chewy.
Cons: The caramel filling made them a little too sweet. Cookie Monster eating a balanced diet. My hairy nipples.

REVIEW: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

Marvo 30 Comments

Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper

I have a friend who drinks an X-treme Gulp of Diet Coke almost everyday. For those of you who don’t know, an X-treme Gulp contains 52-OUNCES OF SODA!!! It comes in this gigantic reusable plastic mug that’s roughly the size of my head. My friend puts a straw through the spill proof lid and nurses his X-treme Gulp the whole day at work.

Somehow I think drinking 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, defeats the purpose of drinking Diet Coke. Then again, I’ve never consumed 52-OUNCES of Diet Coke, so what does my fat ass know?

When I first heard about my friend’s X-treme consumption of Diet Coke, all I could think of was him probably spending half the day drinking it and the other half peeing it out. Of course, probably the worst part of it all is the fact he fills his head-sized mug with a diet soda, which is currently only a notch above sparkling water in the taste department.

There’s a reason why the word “die” is in “diet.” It’s because diet sodas are the dead tasting versions of their regular high-sugar counterparts.

The only times I’ve tried diet sodas are when I’ve come late to parties and all that’s left in the coolers are a ton of diet sodas. I know they’re diet sodas because all diet sodas come in a white or light gray can. The reason for this is because dark colored cans absorb taste, while light colored cans reflect it.

So because I’m late to these parties, I have to drink a diet soda, because the only other options are the melted ice in the coolers and the garden hose that the dog also drinks from.

Now when I drink a diet soda my face puckers up with every sip. It’s like the magic potion that turns me into Camilla Parker Bowles. Oh wait, she’s now called The Duchess of Cornwall. My bad.

Anyway, my face usually doesn’t make babies cry or mirrors crack, but when I grimace from drinking a diet soda, it’s almost guaranteed.

So it was with some trepidation, that I picked up a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper from the convenience store down the street. I really wanted to pick up the Pepsi Holiday Spice that was in the refrigerated case, but I thought it would be best if I not, because I don’t know how long they’ve been there, since holiday season is waaay over.

When I got home, I prepared myself for the diet soda by covering all the mirrors and making sure I had no illegitimate babies in the apartment. However, after drinking it, I realized that all those preparations were unnecessary.

It turned out that it’s possible to make a diet soda that actually tastes good.

Yahtzee!

With the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, I could definitely taste the Dr Pepper and I could taste the cherries. However, as for the vanilla, it just wasn’t there, which disappointed me because having it would’ve probably made this soda even better.

Since I liked it so much, I decided to buy more bottles, but when I went back the next day to the convenience store, they were sold out. Which probably means other people like it or my friend likes it and decided to buy the rest of the stock so that he could fill his X-treme Gulp mug for a while.

I was thinking about giving Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper a 3 rating, but for being the best diet soda I’ve ever had and for not making me look like someone Prince Charles would kiss, I gave it a 4 rating.

Now if they ever have Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper available at the convenience store’s soda fountain, I think purchasing an X-treme Gulp of it is in my future.

Item: Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best diet soda I’ve ever tasted. Zero-calories. Zero-carbs. Doesn’t make me look like The Duchess of Cornwall.
Cons: No vanilla flavor. Contains phenylalanine. Took forever for a store here to have it in stock.