Happy Third Birthday!!!

Marvo 190 Comments

Dear TIB,

Today, you turn three years old. Imagine, in eighteen years you can drink legally and have a decent job so that you can move out of the house. In fifteen years, you can vote and watch Rated R movies without a legal guardian. In thirteen years, you can drive a car. In seven years, you’ll lash out at me after I punish you for not doing your homework. In one year, I hope you stop calling me mommy.

I know at the beginning I didn’t really take care of you, putting up whatever crap came to my unemployed mind, but over the years I’ve matured and so have you. It’s no longer about Chinese sweatshop quantity, it’s about Japanese auto plant quality…with a few lemons. I wish I could post more reviews and I wish you could write your own reviews, but if you could write your own reviews, it would probably eventually lead to artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

I have to admit that you were really ugly when you were first born. I didn’t know much about bringing up a blog. I would change your colors often and make you look like other blogs because we all used the same default theme. Now you’re cute, but you’re definitely going to need braces…and probably glasses…and eventually liposuction.

I honestly can’t believe that you came from my loins. I would’ve expected a blog about my love of The Snorks, whining about my job, or something about kittens, but instead I ended up with you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hopefully, someday you’ll grow up to be a Pajiba, an Engadget, a Post Secret, a Kottke, a Go Fug Yourself, or an Icanhascheezburger. But until then, I’ll watch over you, be a little overprotective, ensure you don’t date boys until you’re 14 or 15, and make sure you are never influenced by the MTV show My Super Sweet 16.

I also just want to let you know that I’m p-p-proud of you…

Sorry. I’m getting a little vaclempt.

Talk amongst yourself.

I’ll give you a topic. The orangeroot is neither orange, nor a root.

Discuss.

Okay, I’m fine.

Again, I’m proud of you.

So we’re going to celebrate your birthday by giving away gifts to those who have watched you grow. They say it takes a village to raise a child, or some bullshit like that, so we should thank some of those villagers who helped raise you. We will give away three $25 Threadless gift certificates, three 3-month subscriptions to eMusic, and three $30 gift certificates for iTunes.

To enter the drawing, villagers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” in their comment because this day is all about you, TIB. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners their prizes.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Thursday, August 9, 2007 and stop accepting entries on Thursday, August 16, 2007 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone, but the iTunes gift certificates can only be won by those in the United States.

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be messy.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about spam. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the Spice Girls getting back together, or artificially intelligent cyborgs hell bent on destroying all humans.

So TIB, I hope all your birthday wishes come true. If not, I just want to let you know that I will always support you, except I won’t pay for the psychologist sessions you go to because your birthday wishes didn’t come true.

Love,
Papa

REVIEW: Wendy’s Baconator

Marvo 22 Comments

Wendy's Baconator

The Wendy’s Baconator has a name usually reserved for those college students who fully take advantage of the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar in the dormitory cafeteria or the wingmen who takes home the fat chicks.

It’s a simple burger that doesn’t have any secret sauces, fancy breads, exotic cheeses, special meats, or vegetables. It’s just two lightly salted quarter pound patties of ground beef, six strips of bacon, two slices of cheese, ketchup, and mayonnaise in between a bun.

In this day and age of Ciabatta bread and chipotle peppers, the Baconator’s simplicity is comforting, like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk or nestling my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.

Of course, what’s not comforting about the Baconator is its nutritional values, which makes the Big Mac’s seem small, like a penis after being dunked in the cold water.

While the Baconator has 830 calories, 51 grams of fat, 22 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,920 milligrams of sodium, the Big Mac has the less artery-clogging values of 540 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol. and 1,040 milligrams of sodium.

With all that meat and its nutritional values, the Baconator is not a burger that you would want to eat often or during your recovery from triple bypass surgery or in the middle of a Weight Watchers meeting or in the lion’s den at a zoo or at a PETA protest. But if you can eat several of these in one sitting, you should be given the nickname, “Baconator-tor.”

Despite its unhealthiness and fugliness in the picture above, the Baconator a pretty good burger. It was smaller than I thought it would be, but it’s a pretty dense burger. As a matter of fact, when I was carrying the paper Wendy’s bag it came in, it kind of felt like it was going to fall through the bottom.

As for its taste, the smokiness from the bacon complimented well with the juicy ground beef patties and the two slices of cheese. The ketchup and mayonnaise added a nice creamy tomato flavor to it. All together, it created a simple, classic taste, like something I would’ve gotten from a drive-in restaurant from the 1950s.

But all is not perfect with this burger. Wendy’s claims the Baconator has six strips of bacon, and it technically does, but those strips were awfully short. I know bacon shrinks significantly when cooked, but it would probably take two or three strips from the Baconator to equal one strip of bacon from a package I bought from the store and fried on my own.

Overall, it’s a really good burger. Although, after eating one, I feel like my lifespan has shortened a little bit. Again, it’s simple with a classic taste, which I really like.

I wish I could say the same for the type of women I like, which is high-maintenance, high heels, and with a high tolerance of me.

Item: Wendy’s Baconator
Price: $6.49 (Small Combo)
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Simple burger with a classic taste. Heavy burger. Half pound of beef. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and milk. Resting my head in between the voluptuous bosom of a woman.
Cons: Six strips of bacon were small. Bad nutritional values that make the Big Mac’s look healthy. 2.5 grams of trans fat. Eating meat at a PETA protest. Eating a Baconator at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee

Marvo 21 Comments

I’m frickin’ tired of The King sneaking up on me.

Doesn’t he have anything better to do? He’s a king. Shouldn’t he be running a kingdom, causing oppression somewhere, or at least being a powerless figurehead? If I had a nickel for every time The King snuck up on me and offered something from the Burger King menu, I would be rich enough to buy a Big Mac.

It was really creepy at first having him randomly appear, but then it was nice having food delivered me and not having to worry about buying groceries. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner he’d just sneak up on me and present me with some form of BK sustenance. The King also knows when to show up for those times other than meals. For example, when I’m at work, I’ll walk out of my office intending to get something from the snack machine, but he’ll just pop out from around the corner and offer me something small like onion rings or a Whopper Jr.

There was this time when I was yawning at my desk and needed some caffeine. Then out of nowhere The King appeared with a Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee. It’s basically coffee with chocolate syrup squirted in and poured over ice. The slightly creamy drink initially had a strong chocolate taste and then was followed by a weak coffee aftertaste that was probably weak because of the overpowering chocolate. With all that chocolate, it was good, but also a little too sweet for me.

But did it give me a boost of energy? Well, anything with 63 grams of sugar in it probably would.

There have also been times when he brought me food at inappropriate moments, like a Tendercrisp Chicken Sandwich while reading about Bird Flu in Taiwan and a Burger King Kids Meal while watching Dateline NBC’s To Catch A Predator.

After a few weeks, I got tired of eating Burger King and I gained ten pounds, but The King kept sneaking up on me. I asked him if he could bring me something a lot more healthier, but all he did was bring me a Whopper without mayonnaise. Eventually, I went grocery shopping so I could make my own healthy meals instead of eating Burger King food. Then whenever The King appeared and offered food, I’d tell him I already have something to eat. He would then drop his head in disappointment and walk away, but he’d still be smiling.

After several days of rejecting food from The King, things got really creepy.

One time when I woke up, he was frickin’ naked and standing over me. Let me tell you, it wasn’t fun looking at his little prince and two royal guards. That’s not the very first thing I want to see in the morning. Also, I just want to let you know that not only is his face plastic looking, so is everything else.

This other time, I woke up and caught him looking through my clothes hamper and sniffing my boxers. When he saw me awake, he tried to distract me by shoving a Croissan’wich in my face, while sticking a few worn boxers in his pocket. I don’t think that’s a smile of happiness he has on permanently, it’s a smile of guilt.

And I’m not even going to go into detail about the time he introduced me to what I thought was the new BK hot dog.

I’m not too sure what I’m going to do about The King, but he still sneaks up on me and attempts to serve me Burger King food. Maybe it’s about time I serve him a restraining order.

(Nutritional Facts: 380 calories, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 290 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbs, 63 grams of sugar, 1 gram dietary fiber, and 6 grams of protein.)

Item: Mocha BK JOE Iced Coffee
Price: $2.09 (22 ounces)
Purchased at: Burger King (or BK for you cool folks)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chocolate syrup. Cold. Refreshing. The 63 grams of sugar it contains gave me a quick energy boost.
Cons: Not too much of a coffee flavor. A little too sweet. Having The King sneak up on you. Having The King wake up next to you naked. Having The King sniff your used underwear. Basically, The King is a total perv. The King’s permanent smile.

NEWS: You Can Now Suck On Mother’s Cans…As An Adult

Marvo 7 Comments

When I think of Mother Nature, I imagine a little old lady walking on a grassy plain with cheerful birds, bunnies, and butterflies circling around her on a bright sunny day and with a few white lazy clouds here and there.

The setting would be much like the default wallpaper for Windows XP.

With an image like that it’s hard for me to put Mother Nature and energy drink in the same sentence, even though I just did, but believe me it was frickin’ difficult. Energy drinks are for young whippersnappers, not little old ladies who need a cane to walk and need to wear a medical alert bracelet just in case they’ve fallen and can’t get up.

But Coke has brought the two together to make an Acai berry flavored energy drink from natural sources with their new Full Throttle Mother Energy Drink, which has probably the least aggro, extreme, and intense name for an energy drink EVER.

Sure, the name is also kind of oedipus complex-ish and for something that claims to be natural, it doesn’t seem to be organic, but despite all of that, I really look forward to trying it.

[Via:] Energy Fiend

REVIEW: IceBreakers Ice Cubes

Ace 21 Comments

I am a bit wary of buying things that I haven’t seen any advertising for. I tend to feel that the product has something to hide. I don’t know if it’s a nasty side effect, a lack of extreme attitude, or a criminal record, but I am always a bit hesitant. Generally, I never know if I should buy something unless a kid is skateboarding with it or a hot chick is deepthroating it in an ad. These are the things that I think about as I go shopping.

I made an exception with the IceBreakers Ice Cubes because of its novelty factor. This isn’t IceBreakers’s first foray into the world of gimmicky products, so they should know what they’re doing. Anyone remember Liquid Ice and how stupid those commercials with the Duff sisters made you feel? Now that they’re out of the equation, no longer will you question whether it’s liquid, it’s ice, or if anyone gives a damn about your inane queries. It’s all been settled, and ice has apparently won the battle.

IceBreakers Ice Cubes also appealed to me because breaking the ice in a social situation has never really been my cup of tea. This is a big problem in all of the facets of my life. Take philosophy class for example: “According to the rules of Fight Club, isn’t this sentence paradoxical?”

Or pickup basketball games: “Dude, can’t you toss it in? Your balls keep dangling around the rim!”

And especially first dates: “I’ll be honest, one of my guilty pleasures is getting naked in front of a mirror and loudly singing the Pokemon theme song as I gyrate and let ’em bounce around.”

So I was hoping that these particular IceBreakers would break the streak of bad ones. As I opened the small box, I was immediately hit with the headache-inducing fragrance of fake mint and xylitol. It was not a promising start.

Xylitol is apparently an alternative to sugar that’s supposed to have a natural cooling effect on your tongue. It can also cause nausea and act as a laxative in high enough doses, but the same could be said about almost anything I eat. I’m not going to hold that against it. However, I can’t excuse the fact that it’s a pretty horrible sugar substitute.

Like all of my other icebreakers, these particular cubes failed rather miserably in providing any type of freshness. Not only are they sickeningly sweet, but they have a grainy and unpleasant texture to start. Any cooling effect you’re supposed to get is completely masked. Worst of all, I didn’t even win the damn Singtone contest that I had banked my future on. How will I survive college if people can’t hear my rendition of Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” every time my phone rings?

Overall, the only thing these cubes have going for them is their convenient shape. Now I can see why there are not seen suggestively licked on billboards. If you are the type of person who enjoys munching on sugar cubes and would like to replicate the experience in gum form, then this is the treat for you. For everyone else, the money spent purchasing these supposed “ice cubes” would be better served going towards some real ice cubes and crushed mint.

Admittedly, that would only lead you to heavy drinking after you figure out that you’re halfway towards a mojito, but I can hardly be blamed for your alcoholism.

Item: Icebreakers Ice Cubes
Price: 79 cents
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Extremely convenient shape and packaging. Decent enough after initial grainy stage of chew. Possibility of winning a Singtone. The original Pokemon theme song.
Cons: My icebreakers. Way too sweet and grainy. High possibility of not winning a Singtone and the ensuing disappointment. Letting creation of your own mint ice cubes lead you down path of alcoholism.