REVIEW: Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts

Marvo 24 Comments

Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts

Dear Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts,

Everyone goes through changes, and recently, I’ve gone through a change. During this change, I realized that you aren’t what I’m looking for. You’re not “the one.”

You were delicious and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I will always remember the great times we had.

When you were hot and toasted, I liked spreading you open and licking your gooey strawberry milkshake-flavored center. When you were frozen, I enjoyed nibbling on your crust. Also, there was that time, in the heat of the moment, I tried to rip off your foil packaging to eat you, but it wouldn’t come off. We laughed as I used the scissors to get it off.

You have to agree that those were some good times we had.

I thought we had a lot in common, but it turned out that the only thing we had in common was both liking Green Day. Although, the only Green Day songs you knew were the ones on the American Idiot album. I couldn’t believe you didn’t know any of the songs from Dookie.

Long View? Basket Case? When I Come Around? Welcome to Paradise?

But I guess I should’ve expected that since you’re much younger than I am.

Also, I didn’t realize the excessive amount of pink stuff you have. When I first met you, I thought you looked really hot in that pink outfit you wore, with pink glitter all over your body. Then the next time, you wore another pink outfit. Then another. Then another.

However, I didn’t realize how much pink stuff you had until we went back to your place. It felt like I was Dumbo seeing pink elephants after drinking some spiked water.

Oh wait. You’re too young to remember the Dumbo reference.

Anyway, your place had so much pink that it made me feel like I was either in the Barbie Dream House, surrounded by cotton candy, or in Hello Kitty’s pants.

Not even Pink has as much pink stuff as you do.

There’s also something else I have to admit that you might not like. I was sort of using you.

You see, I really like Pop-Tarts with chocolate, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to know if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, but it wasn’t. I really do prefer Pop-Tarts with chocolate, especially Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, and I now know that, “Once you go choco-LATE, there’s no debate.”

Look, these things may have bothered me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever find the right guy. There are many fish in the ocean and I’m sure there’s a guy out there who likes pink as much as you do and will treat you the way you deserve.

Well I hope this letter hasn’t hurt you too much, but I felt that you needed to hear the truth. We may not be together, but I hope that we can continue to be friends.

Love,

Marvo

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers, Zanjero, Joseph, and Lane for introducing me to Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts.)

Item: Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $1.69 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good and chewy when frozen. Good and gooey when toasted. A change from all the chocolate Pop-Tarts.
Cons: Way too much pink. Not better than chocolate Pop-Tarts. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. A broken Pop-Tart heart.

Ito En Sencha Shot

Marvo 30 Comments

Ito En Sencha Shot

Over the years, I have found that many good things come in small packages, like chewing gum, marshmallows, my iPod, eggs, and Danny DeVito.

Unfortunately, I recently came across something that came in a small package, but wasn’t very good.

No, it wasn’t the movie Daddy Day Care for the Playstation Portable. It was the Ito En Sencha Shot.

In Japanese, “cha” means tea. As for “sen,” I don’t know what it means in Japanese off the top of my head, but to my friends with the munchies and glassy eyes, it means they’ll be twenty dollars poorer and maybe a little late to work.

Although, Sencha Shot does sound like something a little less messy than a bukkake. (Yes! Finally! I have used the word “bukkake” in a review!)

(Warning: The link above may contain stuff that is NSFW.)

Anyway, the Sencha Shot is basically Japanese green tea in a can.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with green tea, it’s a wonderful source of antioxidants, which are used to get rid of harmful free radicals in our body.

According to the can, it contains 152 milligrams of catechin tea antioxidants.

That amount may look impressive, but it’s not as impressive as the names of the individual antioxidants — epicatechin, epicatechingallate, epigallocatechin, and epigallocatechingallate — which are not only long, but also words that may make National Spelling Bee Championship competitors either faint, cry, or pee in their pants.

Instead of a lot of long words I can’t spell or pronounce, I wish the Sencha Shot contained a lot of short words that I could pronounce and a decent flavor. It was cold and slightly bitter, just like the Japanese green tea that sat in my cup for hours because my blind date didn’t show up at the Japanese restaurant we were supposed meet at.

Fortunately, there wasn’t much Sencha Shot to drink, because the small can held only 6.4 ounces.

Surprisingly, the hardest thing about the Sencha Shot was not spelling bee championship-type names of the antioxidants, it was the can itself. I found out the hard way that the can was impossible to crush on my forehead, because it’s made out of steel.

Actually, I found out the hard way a few times, because I didn’t realize slamming a steel can on my forehead would mess with my short-term memory. After slamming my forehead with the steel can the first time, I quickly forgot about it and attempted to crush the steel can on my forehead again…and again…and again.

The next day, I woke up with a red ring on my forehead and could no longer recall the lyrics of Gerardo’s “Rico Suave.”

Item: Ito En Sencha Shot
Purchase Price: $1.49 (6.4 ounces)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: High in catechin tea antioxidants. High in Vitamin C. No calories or fat. Finally got to use the word “bukkake” in a review. I no longer know the lyrics to “Rico Suave.”
Cons: Tastes like the cold green tea that I can get from waiting around for a blind date at a Japanese restaurant. Wee little can. Can is impossible to crush on forehead because it is made out of steel. Antioxidant names are hard to spell and pronounce.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

Marvo 28 Comments

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

Marvios

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.

The State of the Impulsive Buy

Marvo 33 Comments

Many of you maybe wondering WTF?

Why have I been posting fewer reviews recently?

Well the reason why is because I have a new job at a non-profit organization. Oh wait, I really should say, “I have a job…Period.” I don’t think my previous “job” of sitting in my pajamas all day, watching cartoons, and writing product reviews really counted as an official job.

Although, except for the writing of product reviews, it sounds like the current job description for Kevin Federline’s position as Britney’s sperm giver.

Anyway, because of my new job and my freelance writing work, I haven’t had the time to write many reviews. However, since I have a real job now, I plan to quit my freelancing, after I finish up one last project. This means I can get back to writing reviews on a regular basis.

So hopefully within a couple of weeks the Impulsive Buy will be back in full swing. Until then, I will continue to post sporadic reviews. I’m sorry for this.

Thank you for your understanding.

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

PS – Ultradave, please don’t hunt me down and kick me in the shins.

Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt

Marvo 23 Comments

Growing up, I never ate Special K because the television ads made me think the only people who ate Special K were skinny beautiful women in white one-piece bathing suits.

At that time, I wasn’t skinny, beautiful, a woman, or owned a white one-piece bathing suit. Instead, I was husky, homely, a little boy, and owned a whole bunch of horizontally striped collared shirts that made me look even more husky. So I felt I wasn’t special enough to eat Special K.

However, today I’m slightly overweight, apparently kind of cute, a man, and once walked around my dorm wearing some girl’s bra for a dollar.

Despite the progress I’ve made, I still don’t think I’m quite special enough to eat Special K.

Another reason why I never ate Special K was because it didn’t seem like there was anything “special” about it.

No chocolate.

No marshmallows.

No rainbow of colors.

No two scoops of raisins.

No toy inside the box.

No athletes on the front of the box.

No super difficult word find puzzles on the back of the box.

No crystal meth-looking frosting.

Unless Kellogg’s decided to use psychology on all of us to make us think that Special K is “special,” but in reality the only thing “special” about Special K is the fact that there’s nothing special about it.

Oh man, my brain hurts. That took too much thought.

Well there may not be anything special about Special K, but there is something special about Special K Fruit & Yogurt. Also, I may not be special enough to eat Special K, but the time I spent wearing a bra and the other time I spent wearing a muumuu surely makes me special enough to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt.

Since I’ve never eaten Special K, I don’t know how it tastes. However, I imagine that it tastes horribly bland, because it looks horribly bland, like corn flakes or Ashlee Simpson’s new movie, “Undiscovered.”

Thank goodness I’ve never had to eat Special K, but I’m glad I got to eat Special K Fruit & Yogurt because it’s actually pretty good with its oat & fruit clusters and yogurt-coated clusters mixed with rice and wheat flakes.

The berry-flavored oats give the cereal a nice taste and crunch, which is good because the flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Also, despite looking like something that a drunk college kid might throw up, the yogurt-coated clusters also added a different flavor and texture to the cereal.

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fruit & Yogurt
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Berry-flavored oats and yogurt-coated clusters made the cereal pretty tasty. Lots of vitamins and minerals. Low fat. Low calorie.
Cons: Box is kind of small. Flakes get soggy pretty quickly. Ashlee Simpson’s movie “Undiscovered.” Not special enough to eat regular Special K.