Rockstar Energy Drink

Marvo 12 Comments

Rockstar Energy Drink

“Party like a rockstar,” is the slogan of the Rockstar Energy Drink and that’s exactly what I tried to do last night at the 50th review party.

Prior to the party, I watched the Guns N’ Roses and Def Leppard VH1 Behind the Music specials. I did this so I could find out how rock stars party. Unfortunately, the Impulsive Buy doesn’t have access to cocaine, large amounts of alcohol, groupies, or big hair.

Nonetheless, we had one crazy 50th review party last night.

Between you and me, it was so crazy that I’m glad no one took pictures. I don’t want scandalous pictures floating around, just in case I plan to run for public office.

I’m also glad we found a use for that pole in the middle of The Impulsive Buy laboratory. Okay it wasn’t US who found a good use, it was a busty Asian girl that my friend hired named Candy. Let me tell you, she was very flexible.

It was a long night and I’m glad I tanked that Rockstar Energy Drink, or else I wouldn’t have made it through the evening and I wouldn’t have had enough energy to write this review.

Okay. Okay. None of that happened. There was no party. There was no alcohol. There was no busty Asian girl named Candy. I just wanted to make it seem like the life of a quasi-review blog editor was exciting, like the editors of other blogs (Like this one and this one).

Instead my night was spent watching The Daily Show on Comedy Central and MXC on Spike TV. Then I wrote this review and went to sleep.

Although, I really did drink a Rockstar Energy Drink and I have to say, all of these energy drinks pretty much have the same sweet and tart taste. I guess they come so close because they’ve got almost the same stuff: Taurine, guarana, inositol, and other things that I have trouble pronouncing.

Another thing that bothered me about Rockstar Energy Drink is that there’s something communist-looking about the can. It looks like a Russian graphic designer designed it during the Cold War.

Maybe it’s just me.

Or maybe it’s not just me. On the side of the can, there’s an American flag with the words “American Made” under it. If the can wasn’t communist-looking, would it have that American flag? I don’t think so.

Item: Rockstar Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Lots of caffeine (75 milligrams). Big ass 16 ounce can. American made. USA! USA! USA!
Cons: Tastes much like other energy drinks. Communist-looking can. No busty Asian girl named Candy.

Lipton Green Tea with Honey Ice Tea

Marvo 16 Comments

Lipton Green Tea

Today we celebrate a milestone here at The Impulsive Buy.

It’s our 50th review!!!

Holy crap! Fifty reviews!

We’re just as surprised as you are. None of us thought we would even reach five reviews. We thought we would get bored like we always do, like we did with the illegal iPod pyramid scheme and the O-Town Fan Club.

So to celebrate the fact that we didn’t get bored, we…

What? The review?

Awww, come on. Do I have to do one?

Can I do a review where I devote very little time about the product and spend a lot of time talking about something else?

We do that already?

Okay, here goes the mandatory review.

Lipton Green Tea with Honey Ice Tea. 99 cents. On sale. Weak taste. Needs more sugar. Low calorie. Comes in glass bottle. Do not drop bottle, it might shatter. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

So where was I?

Oh yeah. To celebrate the fact that we didn’t get bored, we will be having our first ever drawing.

What are we giving away?

We’re giving away Oral-B Brush-Ups, which we reviewed a while back. We’ve got six of them left, so six “lucky” winners will each receive one (1) Oral-B Brush-Up.

Yeah, we know…We’re cheap bastards.

We were thinking about giving away Gmail invitations, like other blogs do, but we don’t have any. Actually, none of us here have even received an invitation. We think we’re going to be the last people in the blogging world to get one, which we don’t mind because we’re used to being the last for everything, like being picked for dodge ball and seeing the movie Titanic, which some of us still haven’t seen.

Added at 11:00 am – Okay enough with the rubbing it in. We know. Everyone has Gmail invitations, except us. By the way, thanks to those who sent some our way.

To enter the drawing, just leave a comment for THIS review. Leave a comment that praises. Leave a comment that says how much we suck. Leave a comment about how much you love the McDonald’s Chicken Selects buffalo sauce. Just don’t forget to fill out the email field, because if you win, we will be emailing you to get your mailing address. Don’t worry about the shipping, we will take care of that, no matter where you are.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on October 19, 2004. We will stop accepting entries on October 21, 2004 at 11:59 pm (Hawaii Standard Time). If you need help determining what time 11:59 pm in Honolulu is in your neck of the woods go here.

Only one entry allowed per person.

Entries will be stuffed into a box that will be waaay too big for the five entries we expect to get for this drawing and then the winning entries will be drawn from this box.

So enter today!!!

Fine Print: Each Oral-B Brush-Up is individually wrapped. We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about Viagra or breast implants. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you credit card or magazine applications. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Item: Lipton Green Tea with Honey Ice Tea
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cheap, but not even close to how cheap the prizes in this drawing are. Low calories.
Cons: Very light taste. Not as sweet as other green tea drinks.

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus

Marvo 9 Comments

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus

They say that pink is the new black and it’s the color everyone should have.

Since I always yearn to be cool and hip, I decided to get some pink in my life. I did this by buying a Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus. However, instead of being cool and hip, it seemed like I was losing my masculinity.

I felt so girly buying something pink. Part of me felt like I should pick up some wine coolers and tampons as well.

It’s like the testosterone in me was being sucked out. The feeling was very similar to the one I got whenever I stepped into a Hello Kitty store.

While I waited in line to pay for the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus, the girl in front of me told her friend how cute the color of the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus was and how it totally match her pink top.

I totally agreed! I also thought her friend’s shoes were really cute and I wanted to know where she got them from.

When I got back from the store, I decided to try the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus. While drinking it, I had the sudden urge to plop on the couch, watch the movie Beaches and paint my nails.

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing with nail polish and a copy of Beaches.

So what mix of berries do they use in the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? According to the label, it looked like strawberry and raspberry. There’s also a little bit of apple juice, which the last time I checked, wasn’t a berry.

I guess apple is becoming the new berry.

It also contains Splenda, which I hear is the new Nutrasweet.

Unfortunately, the taste of the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus was very light, like a really bad diet soda. I guess when it contains ten calories, two grams of carbs, and one gram of sugar, you can’t expect much taste, but those numbers will definitely help prevent my ass from looking huge in those cute jeans I just bought.

After finishing the Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus, allowing my crimson passion-colored nails to dry, and using half a box of tissues while watching Beaches, I felt myself getting manly again.

I wanted to speed up the process, so I plopped on the couch again, flipped on ESPN, and looked through my collection of Playboy magazines.

Within a few hours, I felt like barbequing.

Item: Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus
Purchase Price: $0.99 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: A little vitamin C and calcium. Low calories. Low sugar. Low carbs.
Cons: Very light taste. Caffeine free. Somewhat emasculating.

Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

Marvo 7 Comments

Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

I’m trying to imagine what my college life would have been like without Jolt Cola and it’s nearly illegal amounts of caffeine. I probably would have ended up with straight F’s instead of straight C’s.

Without the sleep prevention properties of the caffeine, sugar, and carbs in Jolt Cola, I wouldn’t have made it through those all-night studying sessions and all the times I needed write a 20-page essay the morning it was due.

I liked Jolt Cola so much that I made it the topic of a speech I had to do in my Speech 251 class. Actually, I picked it as a topic because I couldn’t think of a topic the night before I had to give the speech.

Right now I wish I had some Jolt Cola, so I can get the energy to finish this review, but the national convenience store chain down the street doesn’t carry it. Instead, I’m stuck with this Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink. It was the only energy drink available at the convenience store. Everything else was sold out, including all the Mountain Dew.

I guess it must be midterm time for the college kids in the neighborhood.

After drinking it and reading the can, it turns out that Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink not only has almost no carbs, it also has almost no sugar, which I have learned are the two building blocks of forced sleep deprivation. Fortunately, it contained the third building block, caffeine. However, I don’t know if it’s effective without mixing it with significant amounts of carbs and sugar.

Damn, I’m tired.

Maybe it just takes awhile to kick in.

Maybe I should’ve consumed it intravenously.

Oh, I wonder if there’s anything in The Impulsive Buy refrigerator I could drink to keep me up.

Hmm…

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? Let’s see, no caffeine, two grams of carbs, one gram of sugar, and it’s fricken’ pink.

Yeah, right.

The only way Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus is going to keep me awake is if I contantly hit myself in the head with the bottle.

Hey look! I actually finished the review. Looks like it worked after all.

Item: Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Big can. Decent tasting.
Cons: Not enough carbs and sugar. I miss Jolt Cola.

Stephen Lynch-Live at the El Rey DVD

Marvo 5 Comments

Live at the El Rey

I’m a really big fan of comedian-singer Stephen Lynch. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw his Comedy Central special.

Lynch is known for his well-crafted songs, which will make you laugh, and sometimes they’ll also make you wince and grimace.

If you don’t like songs about superheroes, best friends, Dungeons & Dragons, the Special Olympics, foreign taxi drivers, killing kittens, ulgy newborn babies, or priests who REALLY like altar boys, Stephen Lynch may not be for you.

Recently, he released a live performance DVD called, Live at the El Rey and it’s much better than the Comedy Central special. It’s better because unlike basic cable television, with DVDs there are no FCC regulations.

As inmate #55170-054 in West Virginia would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Besides his live performance, the DVD also contains the mandatory bonus material, which consists of more performances in other comedy clubs, skits, and a video tour diary. One of the great things about the DVD is the abundance of previously unreleased material. There are six songs on the DVD that weren’t released on Lynch’s two albums, A Little Bit Special and Superhero.

Now comedians like Lynch, Adam Sandler, and Jimmy Fallon, inspired me at one point in my life to become a singing comedian. Unfortunately, there were some slight problems with that idea. (1) I don’t own a guitar. (2) I don’t know how to play guitar. (3) I have a tremendous fear of speaking in front of people. (4) Whenever I attempt to sing, my voice cracks like I’m going through puberty again.

However, before I realized that I didn’t have a musically inclined bone in my body, I actually ended up writing a song. Below was my attempt at comedic stardom.

Beer Goggles


I see a beautiful girl from across the bar.
I feel compelled to find out who you are.
I’m nervous, afraid, and not of your league.
Could you be the woman of my dreams?

I slide across the room to get a closer view.
It took awhile because I had more than a few.
I sit so close that I could smell her perfume,
She’s got to be the hottest babe in the room.

What’s your name? What’s your sign?
Or shall I just use some lame pickup line.
But when you turn around and look my way,
I try hard to keep in the feelings I want convey.

I thought I would be your Romeo, and you’d be my Juliet.
My beer goggles hid from me a face I’d like to forget.
You were good from a far, but far from good,
My beer goggles made me think you could,
Be the one I’ve been searching for all my life,
But your breath doesn’t smell quite right.

Your fake eyelashes look like Venus Fly Traps,
Is that hair coming out from between your rack?
Your three nipples are pointing in different directions.
Are you scratching because of STDs or yeast infections?

Your mole made you look like Cindy Crawford I guess,
But now you look like the Wicked Witch of the West.
I didn’t notice the mustache you have until now,
But I guess it really goes well with your unibrow.

Is that a gap or are you missing your front teeth?
Why does it suddenly smell like sweaty feet?
Is your wooden leg the reason for your crutch?
Why did that guy just ask you how much?

I thought I would be your knight in shining armor,
But you looked much, much better when you were farther.
You were good from a far, but far from good,
My beer goggles made me think you could,
Be the one I’ve been searching for all my life,
But I don’t have $50 to take you home tonight.

You’ve been a wonderful audience. Thank you and good night!

Item: Stephen Lynch-Live at the El Rey DVD
Purchase Price: $10.49 (Amazon)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Really funny. Many unreleased songs.
Cons: Never became a singing comedian, which maybe a good thing. If you are easily offended, this is not for you.