February Prize Drawing!!!

Marvo 70 Comments

Aaah, February…

It’s the month after January and before March. It’s my least favorite month, because every February I am reminded of heartbreak and heartache. There’s that one day in February that haunts me EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

For almost everyone else, that one special day in February is a joyous day filled with remembering, honoring, and cherishing. But for me, I am almost always alone on that day. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even recognize that special day anymore.

Sometimes I cry on that day, because I see everyone else enjoying it. Every year, I keep telling myself that next year will be different, because I’ll have a reason to celebrate it. But when the next year comes around, there isn’t any celebrating.

I hate Presidents’ Day!

Because I will never be president of anything…ever!

Anyway, there are two prizes for this month’s prize drawing.

One lucky reader will win a brand new Gillette Fusion Power razor, which I’ll be reviewing really soon, and another lucky reader will win a slightly used bottle of Method Olive Leaf Body Wash, which has been around my naked body.

So I’ll be having two separate drawings. One for the Gillette Fusion Power razor and another one for the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with THREE THINGS.

1. The words I sing and dance to when I’m in the shower, “I rock the party that rocks the body!”
2. The prize you want to win (either the Gillette Fusion Power or the Method Olive Leaf Body Wash)
3. Whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, February 7, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, February 12, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, Canada, and Guam. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam from some Chinese company that wants to sell you toothbrushes. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about classes that will improve your Microsoft Excel skills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or a possible eight blade razor.

Hershey’s Kissables

Marvo 42 Comments

As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

Happy Upgrade Day!!!

Marvo 7 Comments

Hi there! Um…No review today.

Just wanted to let you know that I upgraded the blogging software today. Because of that, some things might not work, like if you wanted to email a review to someone, you can’t do that yet.

Besides that, if you happen to visit The Impulsive Buy and something looks weird or something goes wrong, please let me know about it…Even though all of you will probably be watching the Super Bowl.

Speaking of the Super Bowl…My prediction? Steelers 34 Seahawks 14.

Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders

Marvo 45 Comments

I guess being fake is the new black.

Just ask James Frey and the Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders.

How could you do this to me, Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders?

God, I feel so cheated, bamboozled, conned, deceived, defrauded, duped, finagled, hoodwinked, mislead, screwed, suckered, swindled, victimized, and any other word in the thesaurus that also means to be cheated.

I trusted that you would give me delicious chicken tender goodness in exchange for my three dollars and fifty cents. How was I supposed to know that you were veggie tenders and didn’t contain any “chik’n” at all?

I know it says “veggie tenders” on your box, but I thought the amount of veggies in you were the same amounts of shredded carrots and celery the cafeteria workers at my old grade school would sneak into the meat lasagna to meet USDA school lunch standards.

Also, on top of the lie about you not having any chicken, I later learned that you contained milk and egg ingredients, which really doesn’t make you 100% vegetarian, like your box says. So to vegans, you’re not really 100% vegetarian, you’re just inedible and a liar.

How are my vegan homies supposed to keep it real?

I really feel duped. I feel duped. But more importantly I feel that you betrayed millions of eaters.

The pleasing scent of honey mustard that filled my kitchen might’ve made up for all the lies, but your honey mustard taste was weak. I wish your honey mustard flavor came in the form of a dipping sauce.

After eating a couple of “chik’n” tenders, I decided to eat the rest using a more honest condiment, ketchup, which is made from REAL tomato concentrate.

But that’s not the end of the lies. Here’s another one. You look so crispy on the box, but sticking you in my toaster oven for over twenty minutes at 375 degrees wasn’t even enough to make you crispy.

Also, why do you come with seven “chik’n” tenders? That’s an odd number. Are you going to lie to me and say the 8th piece was actually a chicken tender and because it was a chicken tender, it ran away.

At least you’re slightly healthy, with 7 grams of fat, 13 grams of protein, 4 grams of fiber and 480 mg of sodium in only two pieces. Unless you’re lying about that too.

Despite being a liar, you are a healthier substitute for real chicken nuggets, especially McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. However, just like McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, I don’t know what’s in you, and I really don’t want to know.

Besides, even if you did tell me, it would probably be just a lie.

Item: Morningstar Farms Honey Mustard Chik’n Tenders
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Healthier than other chicken nuggets. Nice honey mustard smell. High in protein and dietary fiber. Ketchup.
Cons: A big fat liar. Weak honey mustard taste. High sodium. Wasn’t crispy. Contains milk and egg ingredients, which my strict vegetarians homies may not like.

REVIEW: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka

Marvo 30 Comments

Sure, drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism, but drinking alone while playing a drinking game that involves watching an episode of Knight Rider is just good ol’ fashioned fun.

(Editor’s Note: For those of you too young to know what Knight Rider is, go read about it here or go purchase a few episodes here. For those of you too lazy to do either, Knight Rider was what started David Hasselhoff’s rise to German superstardom, solidified a place for him in VH1’s I Love the 80s, and it was “A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.”)

To play the Knight Rider drinking game, I needed two things, an episode of Knight Rider and alcohol. Fortunately, the iTunes Music Store sells episodes from the first season of Knight Rider and I had a bottle of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka.

Now the vodka would’ve gone great with some chocolate or coffee liqueur, but I didn’t have any. Heck, I didn’t even have any Yoo-Hoo or Nesquik chocolate powder. Instead, by popular demand, I decided to mix the vodka with most of the beverages from the last product election.

The rules I made up for the Knight Rider drinking game were simple.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s front red scanner light is shown, I would have to take a straight shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka. Unfortunately, it had a very slight vanilla scent and tasted like cough syrup. However, it was pretty smooth compared with other vodka I’ve had.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s license plate, which says “KNIGHT,” is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Island Fruit 7-Up Plus, which I decided to name F-Up Plus.

The Island Fruit 7-Up Plus didn’t add any fruity flavor to the vodka, because the vodka’s flavor easily overpowered the weak 7-Up Plus, much like how any woman could make me whipped.

Every time K.I.T.T. uses turbo boost, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew MDX, which I called Vodka Dew, or V.D. for short. The citrus flavor was noticeable in this concoction and was probably the best tasting of them all.

Finally, if any part of David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Odwalla Superfood, which I named Hoff’s Hairy Chest, because if you look at the picture on the left, mixing the two creates a fuzzy concoction, much like Hasselhoff’s chest.

Shooting it felt like a fuzzy Hasselhoff hairball going down my throat, except probably a little sweeter, but still disgusting.

Unfortunately, the game ended really quick because each one of these things happened in the first 10 minutes of the show. Plus, in the first ten minutes of the episode I purchased, Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was shown ten times.

Because of that, I definitely needed to stop, because dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was not the way I would want to go out.

(Editor’s Note: I know. I know. This review was supposed to be done weeks ago, but I’ve learned that it is hard to write while intoxicated, even when trying to channel Ernest Hemmingway’s spirit. To make up for it, go wax David Hasselhoff’s chest here.)

Item: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka
Purchase Price: $19.99 (750 ml)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Smooth. Would probably go well with chocolate or coffee liqueur, which I didn’t have. The convenience of purchasing Knight Rider episodes from the iTunes Music Store.
Cons: Tastes like cough syrup. Disappointing for a Grey Goose vodka. The fuzziness of mixing it with Odwalla Superfood. The episode of Knight Rider I chose showed David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest WAAAY too many times. Dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest.