Wh-wh-what?

Review?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry folks, I was just drooling over the new iPod Photo and crying because my third-generation iPod is slowly becoming less and less cool. If I had the money I would get an iPod Photo in a heartbeat, but this gig as the editor of a quasi-review blog doesn’t pay much.

Okay, it doesn’t pay anything at all.

So with the end of October coming up, it’s time to honor what this month is most known for. That’s right folks, National Dental Hygiene Month.

Now some of you may email us about the fact that we probably have dishonored National Dental Hygiene Month by giving positive reviews this month to such sugary products as Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, Shasta Tiki Punch, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, and Rockstar Energy Drink. All I have to say to that is, quoting my favorite infomercial star Anthony Robbins, “The past does not equal the future.”

As editor of the Impulsive Buy, I promise that we will honor National Dental Hygiene Month by not reviewing any more sugary sweet products this month.

So that means in about four days, October will be over and then it’s back to the sugary sweet stuff.

Today we will be reviewing the Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack, which contains .85-ounce tubes of the four flavors of the Crest Whitening Expressions family: Cinnamon Rush, Extreme Herbal Mint, Refreshing Vanilla Mint, and Fresh Citrus Breeze.

The ONLY reason why I decided to buy this variety pack was to mix flavors.

Over the past month, it’s been fun trying every flavor combination possible and coming up with new flavor names in the process, like Fresh Herbal Citrus Mint Breeze.

My favorite flavor was Extreme Cinnaminy Minty Rush.

My least favorite flavor was Minty Vanilli Frashlee Cinnasimpson Breeze. (Okay I admit it, I was reaching for a Milli Vanilli/Ashlee Simpson joke and failed horribly.)

One of the big things I didn’t like about the product was the price. Although the Crest variety pack was on sale, it really wasn’t. (Did I blow your mind with that?)

You see, awhile back we reviewed a six-ounce tube of Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste, which we bought at a regular price of $3.29.

With the Crest variety pack you’re paying $3.49 for only 3.4 ounces of toothpaste, which is a total rip-off.

Although variety packs have been proven to be good for sliced deli meat, potato chips, and condoms, I’m not sure if I can say the same for toothpaste.

---

Item: Crest Whitening Expressions Variety Pack
Purchase Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Variety. Opportunity to create new toothpaste flavors.
Cons: Really expensive for 3.4 ounces of toothpaste. Can’t afford iPod Photo.

Why is it that blue colored products are great at making things hard?

First it was Viagra and now it’s Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel.

Over the years, I’ve tried so many products to get my hair up, but nothing worked. Some products made it stiff for a little while, but within an hour, it was limp.

It was embarrassing. How could I be confident around women when I knew my hair was going to get flaccid?

My stylist understood what I was going though and she did everything in her power to help me out. She tried various things. One product worked well, but when it dried out, it flaked, making me look like I had a really bad case of dandruff. Although most of the products made my hair hard, none of the products she tried gave me the lengthy stiffness that I wanted.

So how long did I want this stiffness to last? I wanted it to last the whole day, because you never know when I might meet the woman of my dreams.

This went on for over a year and throughout that year I remained girlfriend-less, embarrassed by my limp body part.

However, during another appointment, my stylist introduced me to the greatest product ever, Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up hair gel. She put it on me and I could feel my hair getting hard, then it got harder and harder. I was so excited.

Then my stylist said to touch her hands.

When I touched them, they were really sticky. I never used a product that could get hands so sticky, but that stickiness was probably why it made my hair rock hard.

I had found hair gel nirvana and I had a big smile on my face. Finally, I didn’t have to worry about my hair looking limp around women.

Although Hard Up hair gel is a great product, it’s really expensive.

The 4.2-ounce tube will cost about $10, the 8.5-ounce pump can be bought for around $16, and the 16.9-ounce pump (pictured above) costs around $30. So like peanut butter, toilet paper, blank CDs, and ketchup, I recommend you buy it in bulk.

---

Item: Sexy Hair Concepts Hard Up Hair Gel
Purchase Price: $30.00 (16.9 ounces)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Makes things really hard. The best hair gel EVER. No flaking. Dries fast.
Cons: Expensive, but worth it. Not good for those who don’t like sticky messes.

Who would have thought shredding paper with a Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer would be so therapeutic?

I spent the whole weekend shredding whatever paper I could find like credit card statements, ATM receipts, pictures of ex-girlfriends, and some letters about President Bush’s service in the Air National Guard.

I don’t know what it is about shredding paper that makes it so relaxing. Maybe it’s the mindlessness of it or it could be the sound of the tearing paper, or as I like to call it, the screams of the paper.

So if anyone needs confetti or paper for paper mache, you let me know.

Okay, after our success in tricking encouraging blogging moms to visit the Impulsive Buy, we decided to target another apparently semi-large group of bloggers: Crafting bloggers.

They are much smaller than the mom blog demographic, but much bigger than the dad blog demographic. Don’t believe me? I’d list them, but your computer or phone will break.

So this review is a blatant and shameless attempt to bring in the crafting blog audience, with my review of the Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer.

I bought the Fiskars Paper Trimmer for one reason. (Okay, there are two. But I’m keeping the tricking-the-crafting-bloggers reason on the down low. Um…Maybe I shouldn’t have typed that last sentence and the previous paragraph.) That ONE reason is because I have trouble cutting in a straight line. I think this is because I’m left-handed and I’m using a right-handed scissors or because I drink waaay too much caffeine.

So far I’ve been very happy with my Fiskars Paper Trimmer, although I have absolutely no idea how crafters would use this to make crafts, besides paper mache. I do know that this paper trimmer is way better than scissors, because unlike scissors, you can run with it in your hand, without the worry of hurting yourself.

Can you see me running around with it?

Look I’m running!

Whoa!

Owww!

Item: Fiskars 12″ Portable Paper Trimmer
Purchase Price: $16.99
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Cuts paper. Swing-out ruler for measurements up to 15″. Bonus replacement blade. Almost safe to run with. Makes a soothing sound when cutting through paper.
Cons: Trimming paper can become addicting.