XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink

Marvo 33 Comments

XS

(Editor’s Note: Last week, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer suggested I do a week of products dedicated to energy bars and drinks. I told Muneer it was a great idea and I was going to name it Energy Bar and Drink Week.

However, after drinking a Pimp Juice and letting the caffeine run through my bloodstream, I thought about it a little more and I really didn’t want to limit it to just energy bars and drinks, so I broadened the range of energy products and shortened the name to just Energy Week.

So welcome to Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. I hope that all the energy I consume will not make me bounce off of the walls or turn me into Richard Simmons. Enjoy.)

There are many people that scare me in this world, like Joe Jackson and anyone he has fathered, nicely dressed people who come to my door with a stack of pamphlets, Cowboy Troy, and anyone who says they’re a member of Amway.

When I meet people that scare me, I like to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique, which is almost exactly like the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique used when clothing catches on fire. However, instead of putting out fires, it makes scary people think I’m crazy and they leave me alone.

Recently, I was able to try the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink, which is distributed by Amway’s cuter, but just as annoying, little sister, Quixtar.

After drinking it, I have to say that the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is the most un-aggro energy drink ever. It has no caffeine, carbs, sugar, and apparently, it also has no balls.

Part of what makes a normal energy drink work for me is knowing mentally that the sweet, sweet stimulant of caffeine will be flowing through my bloodstream to provide me the lift needed to get through a possible future viewing of The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D.

XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is like the energy drink equivalent of the Clay Aiken, it’s not pretty to look at, it’s too skinny, and there are hundreds of options that are better.

Now as for the lack of caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink makes up for this with insane amounts of B vitamins, especially Vitamin B12. One can of this energy drink has 490 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That 490 percent is a mistake. It’s actually 4,900 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

To get an idea of how much Vitamin B12 that is, a cup of Cookie Crisp cereal has 25 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12. So to reach 4,900 percent, I would have to eat 196 cups of Cookie Crisp, which turns out to equal about 18 boxes of Cookie Crisp, which also equals the amount needed for me to bathe in Cookie Crisp.

A lack of Vitamin B12 has been proven to cause soreness of the mouth or tongue. So if your significant other isn’t going down on you long enough due to a tired jaw or tongue, this energy drink is an excellent way to increase the amount of Vitamin B12 in their diet and perhaps cut down the time needed for you to put your hands on your partner’s head to prevent them from coming up.

Overall, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink doesn’t have a lot going for it. It lacks caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls. It also has a weak fruity taste.

Although, it does look a lot like beer. Too bad it actually wasn’t beer.

Item: XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by a friend)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like beer. Lots of Vitamin C. An xtremely overabundant source of Vitamin B12.
Cons: Weak fruity flavor. Zero sugar. Zero caffeine. Zero carbs. Only available through Quixtar IBOs (Independent Business Owners).

Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter

Marvo 41 Comments

Jif Peanut Butter & Honey

Dear Marvo,

At the Impulsive Buy, you’ve reviewed several products that you recommended for licking off of your lover’s body, like the Jello Oreo Instant Pudding and the Mrs. Butterworth’s Little Dunkers.

My wife and I would like to add some spice to our relationship by using food products during our lovemaking sessions.

We’ve grown tired of role-playing, strip poker, video taping, blindfolds, Kama Sutra techniques, exhibitionism, Tantric sex, ball gags, Kinky Kards, light bondage, heavy bondage, electric shocks, anal beads, partner swinging, strap-ons, watersports, whips, dildos, body painting, feathers, vibrators, sex swings, ben wah balls, Sybians, and nipple clips.

Recently, during a trip to the grocery store, we noticed the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter and wondered if it would make a good product to lick off of our bodies?

Could you please let us know.

Thank you,
Wannabe Messy Lovers

Dear Wannabe Messy Lovers,

To be honest, I’m not a fan of using peanut butter in the bedroom.

First off, the smell of peanut butter is not sexy, unless you enjoy slapping shells with Mr. Peanut. One of the few things that can make the words, “I wanna lick your (insert body part here),” not so sexy is peanut butter breath. Also, that sentence is no longer sexy when it begins or ends with a name that’s not yours.

Another reason why I’m not a fan of using peanut butter during sex is because of the gooey consistency of peanut butter. As a matter of fact, the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey was noticeably thicker than regular Jif Peanut Butter, which was probably due to the honey in it.

The problem with the consistency of the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey and other peanut butters is that they’re harder to spread around than something like hot fudge, marshmallow fluff, maple syrup, edible lubrication, and Slurpees.

In the kitchen, if it’s harder to spread on bread, you may end up with torn bread. In the bedroom, if it’s harder to spread in your lover’s armpit, it’s going to be harder to lick out of your lover’s armpit.

There’s a reason why Mr. Owl bites to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop instead of licking all the way through. He knew the tongue is a muscle and it will get tired. If your tongue gets tired from licking up peanut butter, it’s going to be too tired to lick anything else, like nipples and in between toes.

The final reason why I think peanut butter is bad in bed is because there’s nothing erotic about peanut butter. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac; a bikini can be made from canned whipped cream; hot fudge, at the right temperature, can cause a pleasurable pain; and Slurpees can make your nipples hard.

Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey for use in the bedroom, but I would recommend it for your next sandwich. The flavor sort of reminded me of the Jif Honey Roasted Peanut Butter I’ve tried in the past, but the honey flavor was not as strong.

It’s good stuff, but just not good enough for me to lick off of a woman’s breast, inner thigh, or taint.

Sincerely,
Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to CT from the Population Statistic for suggesting the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter.)

Item: Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Nice light honey taste.
Cons: Noticeably thicker than regular peanut butter, which may make it slightly harder to spread on bread. Not good for licking off of a lover’s body. Nothing erotic about peanut butter. Peanut butter breath.

Rip It Energy Fuel

Marvo 26 Comments

Rip It Energy Fuel

I think I’m not properly using the Rip It Energy Fuel, because I just drank a big 16-ounce can of it and I have no urge to rip anything, not even the jurors in the Michael Jackson case or Paris Hilton.

Maybe it takes a while for the effects to kick in. Maybe I have to drink another can. Maybe I have to inject it into my ass meat, like Jose Canseco did with steroids.

Anyway, on the outside, the Rip It Energy Fuel looks like any old energy drink with an aggro name, aggro designed can, and its typical aggro green energy drink color. However, after I drank it, I realized that it wasn’t a typical energy drink.

The first thing I noticed about it was its lack of bite that most energy drinks have, which was probably due to the lack of carbonation in the Rip It Energy Fuel.

This was disappointing because that bite is one of the things that wakes me up when I’m trying to finish a review or if I’m trying to stay up late to watch Ronco infomercials or the softcore porn on HBO.

Another thing I noticed about the Rip It Energy Fuel was that there was almost no aftertaste. This surprised me because just like almost all Ben Affleck movies, most energy drinks with aggro names leave me with a weird aftertaste.

However, the lack of bite and aftertaste made it easier to tank the big 16-ounce can of the berry and citrus flavored Rip It Energy Fuel, which tasted pretty good. Although, it doesn’t taste as good as The Impulsive Buy favorite, Monster Energy Drink.

Anyway, so far, through this entire review I have had a blank sheet of paper in front of me and I honestly have had no urge to rip it, despite just drinking a can of Rip It Energy Fuel. I’m pretty sure the caffeine, taurine, inositol, and guarana must have kicked in by now, but I’m just not feeling it.

Rip It Energy Fuel

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe I have to try something different.

Now in front of me is a picture of American Idol judge, Simon Cowell.

Nope, don’t feel anything…

Oh, wait a minute, I feel something.

RIP IT!!!

DAMN FRICKIN’ ARROGANT PRICK!!! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SUCK, ASSWIPE!!! HOW ABOUT I TEAR THAT SMUG LOOK OFF OF YOUR FACE!!!

RIP IT!!!

Oh, wow! I guess Rip It Energy Fuel does work.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy would like to thank CT from the Population Statistic for creating The Impulsive Buy favicon, which can be found in the address bar of your browser…Hopefully.)

Item: Rip It Energy Fuel
Purchase Price: $1.49 (16-ounce)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice berry and citrus flavor. Cheap. Big can. Almost no aftertaste.
Cons: Typical green energy drink color. Lack of bite. Rip It Energy Fuel may or may not work, depending on what is being ripped. Simon Cowell.

June Prize Drawing!!!

Marvo 74 Comments

Holy crap! It’s that time of the month again!

It’s time for this month’s prize drawing, which is when The Impulsive Buy could possibly make your dreams come true, if your dream is to win a very cheap household or food product from some quasi-product review blog, which has a editor that can’t stop stroking his freshly Veet-ed legs.

Anyway, this month, three lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive ONE brand new bottle of Poop Water!

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Or, if you think I’m a greedy comment whore, you can also enter by sending me an email with the phrase “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, you must fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, June 14, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, June 19, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (Sorry to the rest of the world.)

To determine the winners, I will write the email of each person who enters on a sheet of two-ply toilet paper and then…Um…

Nope, can’t do that, too sloppy.

Um…Can’t do that either, too smelly.

Oh well, I’ll figure it out later. All I know is that determining the winner will involve my toilet, and maybe a plunger.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you’re entitled to someone’s money in a foreign country you’ve never heard of. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you America Online CDs that offer you 1000 free hours. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or the stupidity of any parents who allow their children to stay over at the Neverland Ranch.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

Marvo 51 Comments

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

A few female readers requested that we do a few women’s products, particularly the Veet Rasera, which is a hair removal cream that comes with a plastic squeegee to help remove the hair.

Seeing that I didn’t have the proper equipment for tampons or the estrogen and ovaries for the Ortho Evra birth control patch, I decided to review the Veet Rasera.

Now I have hairy legs, which keep me warm at night, adds several seconds to my 200 meter breaststroke time, and makes my legs more humpable for dogs.

I had second thoughts about removing the hair on my legs because I have a lot of scars on them from my BMX bike jumping days.

Then I remembered a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” and I decided to show off my scars.

Then I remembered it wasn’t a wise man, it was what Keanu Reeves said in the movie “The Replacements.”

Anyway, armed with the Veet Rasera, I walked into my bathroom and began the difficult task of mowing down the veritable forests on my legs.

The Veet has an obvious chemical smell, but it does smell better than the Nair products I smelled at the store. However, neither product tastes as good as or has a better name than the hair removal product, Nads.

When I applied the Veet to my legs and let it sit for three minutes, I didn’t feel any burning. However, later when I applied it to my chest, it stung pretty badly and left my chest red and irritated for the rest of the day.

After the three minutes were up, I used the Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee), to remove the hair from my legs. Overall, it got rid of the hair pretty well, although there were areas on my legs that still had hair. However, having patches of hair on my legs might’ve had to do with the fact that I’ve never shaved my legs before and I can’t see the back of my legs very well.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit Results

Too bad I’m not possessed, because as we all learned from Linda Blair, possessed people are able to turn their heads around 360 degrees. Oh yeah, and R2D2 too.

So I had hairless legs, but I think my skin was numb because I couldn’t feel the air coming out from my Vornado fan.

Anyway, having hairless legs made me feel more aerodynamic. It made me want to put a band aid on my legs and rip it off to know what it feels like to not have the band aid rip out a few legs hair. It allowed me to close my eyes, stroke my legs, and a pretend I was with a woman.

It also made me cold.

Without the insulation of my hairy legs, I believe my body dropped slightly in temperature, which caused me to get sick last week.

DAMN YOU, VEET! DAMN YOU!

But alas, just like most of Jennifer Lopez’s romantic relationships, I knew it couldn’t last forever. After one day, I could start to feel stubble on my legs. However, hair anywhere on my body grows back very quickly, so your mileage will probably vary.

Item: Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit
Purchase Price: $9.89
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee). Not as smelly as Nair products. Did a good job of removing hair. Stroking my smooth legs.
Cons: Skin numbness. May irritate skin. Got sick due to losing the insulation from hairy legs. Not as tasty as Nads.