White Cherry Slurpee

Marvo 15 Comments

White Cherry Slurpee


She’s my cherry pie
Cool drink of water
Such a sweet surprise
Tastes so good
Make a grown man cry
Sweet cherry pie

Thank you, Los Angeles! Good night!

Oh, what? Sorry folks, today’s product just reminded me of the Warrant song “Cherry Pie.”

Now some of you young folks maybe wondering, “Who the hell is Warrant?”

Warrant was this “metal” band from the late 80’s and early 90’s. Notice the “metal” in quotes. You see back then there were these bands that used waaaaaaaaay too much hair spray and they called themselves “metal” bands, but they…

Oh, never mind. I don’t want to explain this. Go watch VH1 and you’ll understand.

“What does ‘cherry pie’ mean?”

Um…go ask your parents about that.

One of the great things about the Impulsive Buy’s location is that I can walk 100 yards and buy a Slurpee whenever I want. When I do buy one, I always get a 40-ounce Slurpee, because it makes sense economically to buy the biggest size. Remember it’s usually good to buy in bulk.

I also ask for a brown paper bag to put my Slurpee in, so that when people ask me what I’m drinking, I can tell them I’m drinking a forty, dogg.

For as long as I can remember, the convenience store down the street had a Slurpee dispenser with only four flavors. This sucked because two of those were always the Slurpee staples of Coke and Strawberry. This meant that not many new flavors would be available at the store.

However, the store recently went through a renovation and it now has a Slurpee dispenser with EIGHT frickin’ flavors. When I saw all those flavors I almost slurpeed all over myself.

One of the newest flavors is White Cherry Slurpee.

She’s my cherry pie…

Oh, sorry. I got that song stuck in my head.

After trying it, I have to say that the White Cherry Slurpee is so good that it’s now in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. To be honest, I didn’t expect to like it, but it’s surprisingly good with its sweet and tart taste.

Ever since trying the White Cherry Slurpee a week ago, I’ve purchased several since then. I guess you can say it has become addictive, like another white, crystallized substance called crack.

Except with the White Cherry Slurpee there aren’t any hallucinations, weight loss, or paranoia.

Item: White Cherry Slurpee
Purchase Price: $1.29 (40 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice sweet and tart taste. Addictive like crack. It’s in my Top 10 Favorite Slurpee Flavors List. I like “cherry pie.”
Cons: She’s my cherry pie. Get out of my head, Warrant!

Motorola V180

Marvo 13 Comments

Motorola V180

Three weeks ago, I was a cell phone virgin.

I didn’t own a cell phone because I didn’t have a use for one, I didn’t want a possible brain tumor, and I enjoy being uncool.

Well today, I’m a cell phone whore. Okay, not really a whore, because I hardly use my phone.

So what made me change my mind?

Well I was talking to an old friend and I told him I didn’t have a cell phone. He said he felt sorry for me. Then I asked him why I would need a cell phone and he came up with an excellent and simple answer: Booty calls.

I thought about that for a second and decided that he may have a point. What if some woman out there wanted to give me a booty call and I was out and about? Without a cell phone, she wouldn’t be able to reach me and I wouldn’t get any booty.

Sure there’s a 99 percent chance of me NOT getting a booty call, but still, there’s that one percent.

So based on that one percent chance, I gave in and got a cell phone.

After shopping around and checking out online the various cell phone providers, I decided on T-Mobile, which a lot of my friends here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean subscribe to.

Next I had to decide on a phone and I chose the Motorola V180. The only reason why I chose it was because it was free (with service activation).

While doing my cell phone provider research, it seemed like EVERY company was offering this phone for free (with service activation). It seemed like they wanted to get rid of them like it was Anna Nicole Smith’s drunken, pre-Trimspa, hidden home sex tape.

However, I don’t know why they would offer the phone for free because the Motorola V180 seems like a good phone. The talk and standby time is excellent; it has a color screen; and it’s small and light. Plus, it helps me get one percent closer to receiving a booty call.

If there was one thing I didn’t like about the phone, it was the lack of a camera on it. But I figured I really didn’t need a camera on my phone, because I’d probably only use it to take voyeuristic photos of hot women.

(Wait, did I just admit that? I should take that out, so don’t seem creepy. Eh, I’ll just leave it in for now. I can always delete it later.)

Item: Motorola V180
Purchase Price: FREE (with service activation)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Free (with service activation). Full color screen. Long talk and standby time. I now have a one percent chance of getting a booty call.
Cons: No camera to take voyeuristic photos. Ugh…Images of a drunken, pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith in my head.

Happy Belated 100th Review Day!!!

Marvo 69 Comments

Celebration Time

Yes, you read right. Yesterday, the Impulsive Buy posted its 100th review.

To celebrate we’re not going to do the 101st review today. However, we are going to have a prize drawing. Not just any prize drawing. The most kick ass prize drawing ever in Impulsive Buy history.

We’re not talking anorexic Paris Hilton ass, we’re talking big Jennifer Lopez ass.

Sure we’ve given away pudding, antibacterial wipes, and Oral-B Brush-Ups, but this prize will be bigger and better than anything else we’ve given away.

Remember when Oprah gave away all those cars? It won’t even be close to that big, but it will be better than winning fifth place in a race.

So what is the Impulsive Buy giving away to celebrate our 100th review?

Um…We’re not sure yet, but we promise it will be the greatest thing you’ve probably ever won, unless you’ve won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes or the lottery.

The prize is so kick ass that there will only be ONE prize available.

To enter, just leave a comment for THIS POST with the words “Enter Me” in it and whatever else you would like to say. For those who are comment shy and would like to enter, email us with the words “Enter Me” in the subject line.

If you leave a comment, please don’t forget to fill out the email field.

We will accept entries from January 12, 2005 thru January 16, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is only open to those in the United States, Canada, and APOs.

Entries will be printed on pieces of paper and thrown into a jar. After all the entries are collected, I will pour all the entries onto my bed and roll over them with my sweaty naked body.

After rolling around for awhile, I will get up from my bed and let the entries that have stuck onto me fall off.

The last entry that falls off will be the winner of the most kick ass Impulsive Buy prize ever.

Fine Print: We promise your email address will not be used to send you spam about low interest home loans. We also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you old J. Crew catalogs. Bribes will not be accepted. We will not be responsible for lost mail.

Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal

Marvo 18 Comments

Carb Well Golden Crunch

You know how some people go through a traumatic experience and then totally forget about the incident because it was so traumatic? Well I think I experienced that with this Carb Well Golden Crunch cereal.

It all started one glorious morning when I opened the cupboard and noticed the box of Carb Well cereal. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I didn’t have a chance to eat it, thanks to a particular crappy cereal that doesn’t turn my milk chocolatey.

Since I had nothing else around to eat for breakfast, I decided to try it.

When I pulled the box down, I noticed that the box was open. Even the package inside was opened and sealed with a clothespin.

I thought it was strange, because I didn’t remember opening the box. I figured it must have been my roommate, but then I knew he never touches my food. I shrugged it off and poured myself a bowl.

As the golden nuggets poured into my bowl, I could smell sweetness of the Carb Well cereal. What makes this cereal special is the fact it has very little carbs (9 grams), a whole lot of protein (11 grams), and a bit of fiber (5 grams).

It smelled pretty good, so I assumed it would taste good.

Let me tell you, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After I took that first spoonful of the Carb Well cereal, horrible memories that were repressed began spilling out of my subconscious. It all came back to me, all the memories of opening the box of Carb Well cereal and trying to eat a bowl two weeks earlier.

I remember the dryness of the cereal; the lack of taste; the way it seemed to soak up my saliva like sponges; the way I spit it out of my mouth; the pouring of what was left in my bowl down the drain and running the garbage disposal for a good minute to make sure the Carb Well cereal was dead; and wondering whether or not the dry dog food I once ate was worse tasting.

Oh, the horror! The horror! Mommy!

I guess I was so traumatized from the experience that I unconsciously just put the box of Carb Well cereal away and tucked away those memories deep into my mind.

After I calmed down from reliving those memories, I wanted to throw the rest of it away, but my cheap bastard side wouldn’t allow me waste the $2.50 I spent on it.

So I tried to overcome the blandness the best way that I could, by sprinkling sugar on top. It worked for Corn Flakes, Shredded Wheat, and Total, so I figured it would help.

However, with the Carb Well cereal, the sugar didn’t help at all.

For you Mary Poppins fans, I’ll explain it to you like this:


Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down
The Carb Well go down-wown
The Carb Well go down.
Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down.
Not in a delightful way.


Editor’s Note: Originally, I had put down the Sound of Music, instead of Mary Poppins, because I am an idiot. Thanks to all the readers/Julie Andrews fans who pointed this out to me. I need sugar.

After I realized the sugar wouldn’t help, I decided I had to get rid of the Carb Well cereal or else it would haunt me forever. So I poured the rest of the box down the drain and killed them all with the garbage disposal.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by the prices of Reduced For Quick Sale items. Especially meat, poultry, and dairy items.

Item: Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs and high protein. I might eat it if it were the last remaining food on Earth.
Cons: The horror! Oh, the horror! May cause traumatic experience. No amount of sugar will help with its taste.

Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs

Marvo 10 Comments

Where the hell is Sonny? I want to barbeque his orange-feathered ass.

What’s up with this 3/4 less sugar in his Cocoa Puffs?

Doesn’t Sonny realize he’s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.

I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldn’t have survived grade school. I wouldn’t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.

For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little “husky,” but I excelled in school and that’s all that really mattered. It’s better to be a smart “husky” kid than a stupid “husky” kid.

For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?

Where’s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They can’t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday and I don’t think any of them are willing to risk stunting their growth.

So what else does all this loss of sugar get us?

It gets us Cocoa Puffs that doesn’t turn the milk chocolatey. You heard me. No chocolatey milk.

What’s to blame for this? Splenda, that’s what.

Damn you, Splenda! Damn you!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids that energy comes in the form of sugar.

With 3/4 less sugar, I don’t think kids are going to go cuckoo over these Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs.

Editor’s Note: If you’re an astute Impulsive Buy reader, you may have noticed that today’s review is almost identical to a review we did in September for Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar.

Item: Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Chocolate. On sale.
Cons: Reduced taste. Splenda. Doesn’t make chocolate milk anymore. I’m not cuckoo for these Cocoa Puffs. We sort of recycled a review.