Here at The Impulsive Buy Laboratories we do experiments, because the law says that if you have a laboratory, you must do experiments. Some of our experiments have included eating Pop Rocks while drinking a cola; pouring chocolate syrup into our mouths followed by milk and shaking our heads violently to see if they mix; sticking a whole pack of breath strips in our mouths; and opening a bag of chips and seeing if anyone could really eat just one.

This time we decided to see if we could overcome the problem you have when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth. For those who haven’t done this, when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth it tastes very bitter, instead of the usual sweet, sweet, delicious, refreshing taste of the citrus sinensis.

In order to overcome this problem, we decided to orangify my oral hygiene. (Yeah, we made up the word orangify. What about it? Scientists make up words all the time. Like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis is a “real” word.)

To do this we needed to look for the leftovers of the delicious Listerine Natural Citrus mouthwash, which we drank…Um…Reviewed a few weeks ago. Then we had to buy the new Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste. Finally, we needed orange juice. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any in the laboratory’s fridge, so we needed someone to go to the convenience store down the street, which wasn’t as simple as it sounded.

No one in the laboratory likes going to the convenience store because of the persistent panhandlers that wait outside under the trees. Some of us believe they can smell loose change coming from a mile away, which is surprising since their rancid body odor is probably ten times more powerful.

After pulling numbers out of a hat, I was the “lucky” loser. Dammit!!!

I walked to the store, got asked by the panhandlers if I had loose change, told them no, walked into the store, purchased the orange juice, walked out of the store, got asked again by the panhandlers if I had loose change, told them no again, got asked by the panhandlers what was causing the jingling in my pocket, told them it was my keys, got told by the panhandlers that they didn’t believe me, I let out a sigh, gave them 35 cents, walked away from panhandlers, heard the words “cheap bastard” as I walked away, and walked back to The Impulsive Buy Laboratories.

With everything ready, it was time to begin the experiment. First, we poured some of the Natural Citrus Listerine in my mouth. I rinsed for the recommended 30 seconds, gargled for 10 more seconds, and then spit. (Yes, we are still wondering why my spit is clear instead of orange like the Natural Citrus Listerine.)

Second, I brushed my mouth with the Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste with a brand spanking new toothbrush. Like any good scientist knows, clean instruments will give more accurate results.

The Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste is a beautiful orange color with little sparkly things throughout. I swear it tastes like a certain candy, but I can’t put my finger on it. Well if tastes like candy, it has to be good.

The brushing lasted for 3 minutes and I did brush my tongue like the American Dental Association recommends.

Now that my mouth felt like a citrus fiesta, it was time to drink some orange juice.

After everyone placed their bets on whether the orange juice would taste bitter or normal, I drank the orange juice.

So what were the results of this experiment? (1) I will never gamble again. (2) Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze toothpaste is really tasty. (3) Orange juice and toothpaste will never go well together.

Item: Crest Whitening Expressions Fresh Citrus Breeze Toothpaste
Purchase Price: $3.29 (6 oz.)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Pretty orange color with shiny stuff. Tastes like candy.
Cons: Orange juice makes a bad tooth brushing chaser. Pricey for a small tube.

I bought this album for one reason: To win the iTunes Music Store one-millionth download contest. The person who downloaded the one-millionth song was going to win a whole mess of sweet Apple stuff and I thought it was going to be mine, because of my elaborate plan.

First, I created an Excel spreadsheet that calculates the number of songs sold per minute and how many seconds were left until the one-millionth song was downloaded. I used the download totals from the Apple website, which was updated every five minutes.

Then I had to find an album that contained a whole lot of songs. At first I thought I had to go with a greatest hits album. The Barenaked Ladies’ greatest hits had nineteen songs. Def Leppard’s greatest hits only had 15 songs. Okay, maybe this greatest hits route isn’t the best. I really needed something with more songs.

I decided to search the iTunes Music Store classical catalog and found what I was looking for, although it was going to be expensive. I ended up with the $49.95 Mozart: Symphonies set (now $79.92), which contained 117 songs. Perfect! I figured if I didn’t win, the $50 I spent wouldn’t be so bad because I actually like Mozart. But I wasn’t going to lose because I had my super-dooper elaborate plan.

So I had my Excel spreadsheet and my 117 songs Mozart collection, then all I had to do was sit in front of my computer and wait. The number of downloads slowly increased, getting closer and closer to the magic number. When it got about a few thousand downloads away, I purchased my album, but I think a few thousand people across the nation were trying to buy something as well because my purchase wasn’t going through. It stalled for a few minutes. While stalling, I checked to Apple website to see if they had a winner and they did.

Dammit!

Since they found a winner I wanted to cancel my still stalled purchase, but right when I was going to hit the cancel button, my album began downloading.

So here I am with an enormous amount of classical music, all 9 hours, 56 minutes, and 22 seconds of Mozart. Only recently I finished listening to the whole thing and I realize that I have all the classical music I need for the rest of my life.

It’s good, soothing stuff. I enjoy listening to it when I’m reading, writing, or falling sleep. No, I didn’t listen to it while writing this review, because I didn’t want to be reminded of my crappy super-dooper elaborate plan.

I can’t believe I got beaten by some lucky guy who bought only ONE song.

Dammit! I think next time I’m going to need a better Excel spreadsheet.

Item: Mozart: Symphonies
Purchase Price: $49.95 (now $79.92)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Soothing music. Great to listen to when reading, writing, or falling asleep. A whole lot of music at a wonderful price.
Cons: Didn’t even come close to winning the iTunes contest.

Holy crap!!! Did you watch the X-Games? Man, they were doing some sick stuff. Makes me want to do some xtreme sports, except I’m afraid of getting hurt. Trying to grind down a handrail on a skateboard could be a testicle-crushing experience or I could drown trying to surf ten-foot waves.

Growing up I used to be big on jumping ramps with my BMX bike. (Note: Never jump with rubber slippers. You might end up with scars on the top of your feet.) I tried to jump as high as I could and on occasion take a foot or arm off. I remember this one jump when I tried to do a no-footer. As I gained altitude, I quickly pulled my feet off of the pedals and spread them outward. Unfortunately, as I brought my feet back, I missed the pedals and my love nuggets got crushed. Fortunately, for my future children, every thing was all right.

Thank gonads, for the Adrenaline Sports Pack (ASP) by Aspyr, which allows me to participate in xtreme sports from the comfort and safety of my computer. The ASP consists of three best-selling games: Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4, Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer, and Wakeboarding Unleashed Featuring Shaun Murray. Individually, each game sells for $20-$30, however the ASP costs only $19.99 for the full versions of each game. Although I purchased the Mac version, there’s also a Windows version available.

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4 is by far the best game out of the three. I guess when you’re up to the fourth game in the series you’re going to know what you’re doing. It can be a very frustrating game if you play in the career mode, because some of the goals seem almost impossible.

As for Kelly Slater’s Pro Surfer and Wakeboarding Unleashed…Um…I didn’t really get to play with them yet because I’m still trying to beat Pro Skater 4 and I guess that’s why I said it’s by far the best game out of the three. It really is a frustrating game. I would’ve waited to write this review until I spent some significant time with all three games, but I really, really, really needed a review for today and this was the only one closest to being done. Also I don’t play a new game until I beat the game I’m playing.

One thing to note about the ASP is the high system requirements for Macs, which consist of at least a 733 Mhz G4/G5 processor with 256MB of RAM and 32MB of Video RAM. For Windows, you’re going to need at least an 800Mhz Pentium 3 with 256MB of RAM and 32MB of Video RAM, which seems pretty modest.

Also to make the game easier, it would be wise to purchase a game controller. For my Mac, I bought a $13 USB to Playstation adapter from a national electronics store chain that uses B-List celebrities in their commercials and a $10 Playstation 2 controller from a national computer store chain that’s slowly moving away from computers to be more like its competitors.

If you’re looking for some xtreme action without the possibility of broken bones or you wrapped around a park bench, try the Adrenaline Sports Pack.

But then again a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.”

Item: Aspyr Adrenaline Sports Pack for the Mac
Purchase Price: $19.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great price for all three games. Ability to experience xtreme sports without the hassles of emergency rooms and doctors. Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 is an xtremely fun game and as for the others, maybe I’ll let you know later.
Cons: High Mac system requirements. You can control games with your keyboard, but buying a controller would make it easier.