You want a piece of me? Do YOU want a piece of ME?

Bring it on, baby! I’ll take you on with my huge guns? Take a gander at one of my 11-inch pythons in the picture. Uh huh!

I know you’re scared now! Take a look at that picture again. The Velcro on my XtremeMac SportsWrap iPod Armband is barely holding together because of my bulging biceps.

Don’t let the paleness fool you. My guns are powerful weapons and the SportsWrap looks damn good on either one of them. I used to run with my iPod in the back pocket of my shorts, but because of my muscular buttocks it would skip every so often, so I got the SportWrap, which puts my iPod in an ideal place to minimize vibration and shock. After a month of running with it, I haven’t had one skip yet.

The SportsWrap is made out of moisture-resistant neoprene, so the sweat from my huge arms while running won’t soak my iPod. It also has a clear mylar cover which protects my iPod and allows me to control it. There are headphone holes on both the top and bottom of the SportsWrap, which allows me to use my iPod in either vertical orientation. There’s a convenient place for earbud cord storage and in case my arms get even bigger, the SportsWrap comes with an extension strap.

It’s simple to slide the iPod in and out of the case, which was made for third-generation iPods. I don’t know if they work well with the fourth-generation iPods, although they are about the same size. If you have a silicone case, like the Jam Jacket, you’re going to have to take your iPod out of it, before you slip it in the SportsWrap.

Despite my huge arms, the Velcro strap holds well. I haven’t had it slip down my arm at all.

The only problem I had with the SportsWrap was the fact that the headphone holes were too small. Or maybe they look small because I’m looking at them next to my huge biceps. These small holes didn’t allow my headphone plug to be fully plugged into my iPod. Eventually, using my huge, muscular arms and a pair of scissors, I made the one of the headphone holes big enough.

After doing research on the various armbands cases for the iPod, I decided to purchase the XtremeMac SportsWrap because it fully encloses the iPod and it didn’t look as bulky as other cases. My purchase was a good one. Despite the headphone hole problem, it has worked very well for me. I would definitely recommend it to someone who is looking for an iPod armband case to go running, biking, or working out with.

Oh yeah, baby! Feel the burn!

Update: Ever since I washed the SportsWrap in a washing machine (letting it air dry), slight condensation consistently forms on the bottom back of my iPod after I finish a run. I don’t know if in the long term it will cause a problem to my iPod.

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Item: XtremeMac SportsWrap iPod Armband
Purchase Price: $27.00 (on eBay)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Encloses iPod. Moisture-resistant neoprene. Mylar cover allows ability to control iPod. Looks good on my huge arms.
Cons: Headphone holes are waaay to small for headphone plugs, unless you modify them.

I needed new running shoes because my current fleet of running shoes, which consists of three pairs of two-year old Asics, are getting up there in mileage. So who do I turn to when it comes to the dire matters of athletic shoes?

My roommate, of course!

Why him?

First off, he owns more pairs of athletic shoes than you and I have fingers and toes. Secondly, he works for a national athletic shoe store chain, so it’s his business to know shoes and to use his employee discount to create a shoe collection that equals those you see on MTV Cribs.

I told him I wanted something like my current pair of running shoes. He recommended the brand new Nike IMPAX shoe, because they were just like me, good looking and cheap.

He wasn’t kidding, at $75 a pair, these kicks are very inexpensive. They also look good, especially the metallic silver/black/red/white ones I purchased. But I didn’t buy them just for their looks, I really wanted to know how they feel on a run.

These shoes are similar to the Nike Shox series in that they provide excellent cushioning, with its innovative shock-absorbing system.

After putting them on, one of the first things I noticed about the Nike IMPAX is how light they are. Each shoe weighs a little over 11 ounces, which can mean a lot during a three-mile run. Of course, one of the bad things about light shoes is the fact they won’t have much of an effect if you throw them at something or someone. Remember force equals mass times acceleration (f=m*a). So if you ever need to throw your shoes at something or someone, make sure they’re Timberland boots.

After three days of running in these shoes, I like the feel of them. With other shoes, my body has had to get used to them, which always involves shin splints. However, with the Nike IMPAX, I was surprised I didn’t have this problem.

One problem I did face was trying to keep them clean. With my old shoes, I didn’t care what I stepped in: mud, puddles, or someone’s flower garden. The Nike IMPAX are such good-looking shoes that I couldn’t imagine staining them with grass or mud. Strictly sidewalks and asphalt for now.

Another thing I noticed about these shoes is that they attract the attention of married, middle-aged women for some reason.

How do I know this?

When I walked into my client’s offices with them on, two married middle-aged women, instead of saying hello, instantly commented on how shiny my shoes were. As you can see from the picture, they are shiny shoes.

As a young, single man, I have no desire to attract the attention married, middle-aged women. Why can’t these shoes attract young, single women? Damn, to be cursed with these shoes.

Anyway, if you’re a casual runner and are looking for a new pair of inexpensive running kicks, might I recommend the Nike IMPAX. They’re one of the best running shoes I’ve used in a long time. (However, according to my roommate, if your feet tend to pronate or if you have wide feet, these shoes might not be the best for you.)

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Item: Nike Impax Running Shoes
Purchase Price: $75.00
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly inexpensive. Very light. Awesome cushioning.
Cons: Attracts married, middle-aged women, instead of single, young women. Inability to cause any damage when thrown at something.

It seems like everyone nowadays has a cell phone. Everyone except me, the homeless, people in third-world countries, and the technophobic community.

So I don’t have a cell phone. Make fun of me all you like, but how many of you have a laser printer at home?

I got one and you probably don’t. How you like me now with my HP LaserJet 1012 Laser Printer?

Sure I can’t call anyone anywhere I want to, but I can print one page in 10 seconds and 15 pages per minute. That’s faster than you can dial fifteen phone numbers, unless you’ve got those numbers on speed dial.

You like that?

Sure your cell phone is small enough to put in your pocket, but my laser printer is 14.6 by 9.1 by 8.2 inches, small enough that I can stick it in a duffel bag and take it with me.

Uh huh. How’s that for portability?

I can’t take pictures with my laser printer, but I can print pictures in black and white.

Jealous?

I can’t text message someone, but I can print a letter, stuff it in an envelope, stick a stamp on it, go to a mailbox, and mail it.

It ain’t that different.

Can your cell phone keep you warm at night? My laser printer can. After the pages come out of the printer, they’re warm, like clothes out of the dryer. Print a couple dozen sheets and you got yourself a blanket.

Oooh, that’s hot! Tssssss!

With my laser printer, I don’t have to pay every month for some calling plan. Sure I gotta to pay $69.99 to change my toner cartridge after every 2,000 pages, but I ain’t printing no manifesto or Harry Potter book, so I ain’t gonna change it that often.

So if you want to be down, go get yourself a laser printer. This HP LaserJet 1012 is off the hook for your basic printing needs. You gotta buy your own USB cable, because the printer doesn’t come with one, but this printer is so good and cheap, it don’t matter.

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Item: HP LaserJet 1012 Laser Printer
Purchase Price: $149.99 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Inexpensive. One of the smallest laser printers around. Fast text printing. May make people jealous of you for its coolness.
Cons: No USB cable. Expensive toner cartridge. May attract playahatas.