Sometimes I have a taste for the finer things in life, which I blame on my addiction to the television show MTV Cribs.

Unfortunately, I can only dream of enjoying the finer things, because I’m a cheap bastard and the salary of a quasi-product review blog editor is zero.

So instead of enjoying $50 Godiva chocolates, I eat a 59 cent Hershey’s chocolate bar. Whenever I have the urge for $100 Russian caviar (fish eggs), I eat $2.99 chicken eggs. When I wanted to buy a $35,000 Lexus IS-300, I instead settled for a $15,000 Toyota Corolla. Finally, when I wanted a $100 bottle of Cristal, I ended up with a $4.99 wine in a box.

As some of you know, I went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving. While there I happened to come across The Art of Shaving Shop in the Mandalay Bay Resort. I was familiar with The Art of Shaving products thanks to my subscription to Men’s Health magazine, which I have to make me pretend I’m healthy.

The Art of Shaving products are known to be…Um, how can I put it?

Their products are considered cheap for those who wear a monocle and top hat, like the Monopoly guy, but DAMN expensive for EVERYONE else.

So I’m in the store and I decided to try some shaving cream. I looked at the price and it was twenty frickin’ dollars. You can get TEN cans of Edge Shaving Gel for twenty bucks. I thought that price was crazy, but then I remembered the Godiva, caviar, Lexus, and Cristal I couldn’t have and decided that this may be the only chance I get to enjoy one of the finer things in life.

I ended up plopping down twenty dollars for the sandalwood shaving cream. (I decided on the sandalwood, because it’s known to be an aphrodisiac and I need all the help I can get with the ladies.)

The texture of the shaving cream is much like Noxzema Cream. The sandalwood aroma was very nice and I guess it really does work as an aphrodisiac, because it turned me on to myself.

One of the cool things about this shaving cream is that I can use it without a brush or with a brush. However, I didn’t know what kind of brush to use, since I’ve never used a shaving cream that gave me the option of using a brush.

Using logic, I figured a toothbrush creates a good lather with toothpaste, so why not shaving cream? Unfortunately, my logic sucks and the toothbrush took away whatever dead skin cells I had and much of my epidermis.

Later, I found out that there’s something called a shaving cream brush, which The Art of Shaving has, but the bristles are made out of (I’m not making this up) badger hair. (Editor’s Note: There are several beaver jokes I could put right here, but I will refrain.)

One thing I noticed about this shaving cream is that it doesn’t lather up as much as other shaving creams and gels, which I think allowed me to have a closer and smoother shave.

Overall, I’m getting better shaving results with The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream and now that I’m enjoying one of the finer things in life, I need to purchase a monocle and top hat.

Item: The Art of Shaving Sandalwood Shaving Cream
Purchase Price: $20.00!!!
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Closer shave. Nice aroma, which may turn you on to yourself.
Cons: Holy crap! DAMN expensive! Affordable for those who own Boardwalk, Park Place, and the rest of the Monopoly board.

I’m slightly disappointed that I wasn’t a finalist in any of the categories I was nominated for at the Best of Blogs (BoB) Awards (Thanks to Yam, Suzanne, and Mellie for nominating me). Honestly, I thought there was a slim chance that it would happen.

Okay, I’m lying.

I’m NOT disappointed at all, but just in case my non-disappointment turns into slight disappointment, I decided to read “The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People” by Dr. David Niven.

For those who have read the Impulsive Buy for a while, you may remember that I reviewed another book by Dr. Niven, “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People.” I read it to help me remain happy as I dealt with a comment spam problem, which I have under control.

After reading this book, I now have some simple secrets that will help me continue to be NOT disappointed by the fact I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards.

Simple Secret Number 39: Learn from Losses

So what did I learn from not being a finalist?

I learned that it’s okay to be a loser. It’s okay that I can’t win class elections or a woman’s heart.

Good things happen to losers. For example, take a look at Clay Aiken. He went from being a loser to becoming…Um…A loser.

Okay, bad example.

Simple Secret Number 64: You Are Not in This Alone

Yes, the Impulsive Buy is not alone. There were several great blogs that didn’t end up as finalists that deserved to be, like Tiny Voices in My Head, I Think I Want to Be A Comedian, and My So-Called Strife.

I think we all should form the Special Olympics version of the BoB Awards, where EVERYONE is a winner and EVERYONE receives a medal.

Simple Secret Number 81: Be Realistic About Yourself

Okay, we’ve had some REALLY lame reviews, like Peanut Butter M-Azing & Crunchy M-Azing (The worst blog post EVER!), Sobe Adrenaline Rush (A steaming pile of blogging doo-doo.), and Kellogg’s Eggo Minis Chocolatey Chip Cookie Dough Waffles (So horrible that it made poet Sylvia Plath want to kill herself again.), just to name a few.

Simple Secret Number 83: Own What You Do

We weren’t a finalist, but I think the Impulsive Buy is bar none the number one quasi-product review blog in the entire blogosphere. Although with millions of blogs out there, I could be wrong.

If I am wrong, I must find the other quasi-product review blogs and DESTROY THEM!!! CRUSH THEM!!! BEAT THEM!!! BURY THEM!!! THEN PISS ON THEM!!!

Simple Secret Number 93: You’ll Get Knocked Down and Then Get Back Up

Okay I really didn’t get knocked down, but I will pretend like I did. Check this out.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Help! I’ve fallen and can’t get up!

(End Scene)

Wow. Now I feel even more NOT disappointed.

I guess this book really does work.

Editor’s Note: Honestly, go check out the BoB Awards. There are some really good reads there.

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Item: The 100 Simple Secrets of Successful People by David Niven Ph.D.
Purchase Price: $8.96 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: An easy and fast read. Inexpensive book. I wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards, but I’m NOT disappointed. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down. (Yeah, Chumbawumba reference!)
Cons: Um…Wasn’t a finalist at the BoB Awards?

I figured this Christmas season would be a great time to test the new Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips toothpaste because I could probably get some lip action with the help of some mistletoe.

Although I have to admit, I’ve never kissed anyone under the mistletoe before. Actually, I’ve never seen real mistletoe and I didn’t know how to get my hands on some.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find any real mistletoe, but I did find some fake mistletoe at a craft store.

So armed with my fake mistletoe, I ventured out to see if some lucky lady would give me a kiss. Unfortunately, even with the mistletoe, I couldn’t get any takers.

Now I’m not too sure why I didn’t get any lip action. It could have been how I asked:

When I first saw you, I was like “Whoa.”
You are so beautiful, you know.
Come here and let me kiss you under the mistletoe.

Nah, it couldn’t be that, because that’s frickin’ poetry that would make any woman’s heart melt like butter in the microwave.

Now that I think about it, maybe I got rejected because I recited the poem like I was a 1970’s pimp.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen this new toothpaste from Colgate, it’s a gel that contains tiny breath strips, which gives the toothpaste a nice winter bite. Kind of like a York Peppermint Pattie.

That bite eventually turns into a little burn, somewhat like the ones Listerine and Selsun Blue give you, which eventually you’ll get used to. But that burn is a good thing because in my years of experience with personal care products, I have learned two important rules: (1) The more it burns, the more it’s working. (2) When it starts burning away flesh, it’s not working anymore.

Since I didn’t get a chance to kiss anyone, I don’t know how fresh my mouth was after using the Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips toothpaste.

However, I do know that it certainly didn’t help make me fresh with the ladies.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh With Mini Breath Strips Toothpaste
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mini breath strips give the toothpaste a nice minty bite. Nice minty burn. Helps whiten teeth. My poetry can rock a woman’s world.
Cons: Fresher than I am. Toothpaste is a little too liquid. Pricey for only 4 ounces.