Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles

Marvo 11 Comments

Borden Kid Builder

(Editor’s Note: The Squeeze Between the Cheese ended up in a draw, so I’ve decided to review BOTH products. So today I’ll be reviewing the Borden Kid Builder Cheese and later this week I’ll be reviewing the Campbell’s Carb Request soup. Enjoy.)

I don’t know exactly how these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles are able to build kids, but I have three theories.

(1) Since each slice of Borden Kid Builder cheese has calcium and six vitamins and minerals (Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin B6, and Zinc ) they’re able to give your already born kids what they need to become healthy.

It helps them grow (or build) into video-game playing, cell-phone owning, MTV-watching spoiled little brats that you want to smack a few times, but you can’t because you’re afraid they might call the child abuse hotline on you.

(2) With each slice of cheese you can build your own kids, sort of like paper dolls, to see if you’re fit to become a parent. You can make them as big or as small as you want. Unfortunately, they aren’t real, so you can’t make them do chores like real kids, but then again, you also don’t have to give them an allowance.

If your cheese kids do chores and you do give them an allowance, you most likely aren’t fit to be a parent because you’re probably hallucinating from the crack you’re smoking.

(3) The Borden Kid Builder cheese could be eaten by adults to enhance human sperm and eggs, so that when your kid is born, they’ll be a lot healthier. I read somewhere that male pornstars drink milk to add some substance to their loads when they blow it.

What does that have to do with enhancing sperm and eggs? Nothing, just a trivial nugget I have stuck in my head that I thought I would never find a use for, but I guess I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t test two of these theories because: (1) I don’t have kids I can feed them to. (2) I’m not willing to impregnate a woman and have a kid. Heck, I can’t even take care of myself, so how can I take care of a kid. Besides, I don’t know of a woman who would be willing to have my children.

Well if I could get my hands on some kids, I don’t know if they would be willing to eat these Kid Builder American Cheese slices, because they tasted kind of funny compared with other American cheeses I’ve had. It sort of tasted like I forgot to take the plastic wrapper off the cheese before I consumed it.

It didn’t even pass the brand spankin’ new Impulsive Buy ultimate cheese test, the Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. It melted nicely like other American cheese slices, but the cheese still tasted as plastic as an anatomically correct Barbie Doll.

Please don’t ask me how I know what an anatomically correct Barbie Doll tastes like.

You don’t want to know.

I don’t know if it was the six vitamins and minerals that added the weird taste of the cheese, but if it did, I’d suggest trying to build a kid in another way, instead of with these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles.

Item: Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Calcium and six vitamins and minerals. Orange-colored. Individually wrapped slices.
Cons: Tastes weird for an American cheese. Didn’t pass the brand spankin’ new Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. Unsure of how it helps build kids.

REVIEW: Wheaties Multivitamin

Marvo 6 Comments

Wheaties Multivitamin

Oh yeah, baby! A Wheaties pill!

I knew this day would come, but I never expected it so soon. Finally, thanks to science, someone has figured out a way to condense a whole bowl of cereal into the form of a pill. It’s a frickin’ meal-in-a-pill.

It’s a frickin’ scientific breakthrough!

No need for milk, a bowl, a spoon, or a bib. No more soggy flakes. No need to recycle bowls and spoons out of the kitchen sink, because you’re too lazy to wash them. No more wasted cereal because you poured into the bowl milk that expired a week ago.

I can finally bypass the bland taste of Wheaties, but still get all the vitamins and minerals.

Oh, wait…

(Actually reads label)

Dammit! This isn’t a scientific breakthrough. It’s just a regular multivitamin, except it has the word “Wheaties” on it. Maybe I should start reading the labels on drugs before I buy them or stop taking generic NyQuil.

Damn you, generic NyQuil!

Anyway, now that I know the Wheaties Multivitamin isn’t a meal-in-a-pill, I have a lot of questions about it and I’m sure you have a lot of the same questions. So below are my attempts to answer some of those questions.

Question 1: Does it taste like Wheaties?

Answer 1: No, they taste as bitter as any multivitamin, but they kind of smell like Wheaties.

Question 2: Do they get soggy in milk as quickly as Wheaties?

Answer 2: No, they are in tablet form, so I’m going to assume they stay harder than an old man who has had one too many Levitras.

Question 3: In Answer 2, don’t you think it would’ve been better to use Viagra, instead of Levitra, since it’s a name more people recognize.

Answer 3: I think in the context of the sentence, readers will know that Levitra is a boner pill.

Question 4: Will eating Wheaties or taking Wheaties Multivitamins really help me become Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, or a gold-medal winning Olympic athlete?

Answer 4: No. Eating any cereal does not turn people into famous athletes, even if you eat them with steroids.

Question 5: What kind of vitamins and minerals come with each tablet?

Answer 5: I could list them here, but the list is so long and full of words that I don’t know how to spell or pronounce that I would literally blow my mind if I tried, and no amount of generic NyQuil will fix that.

Question 6: What makes these Wheaties Multivitamins different than other multivitamins?

Answer 6: Um, they have the word “Wheaties” etched in each tablet and they’re frickin’ huge. Oh, plus they have Lutein, Lycopene, Green Tea Extract, and Black Pepper Extract. Yes, I said Black Pepper Extract.

Question 7: Do you think my picture will ever be on a box of Wheaties or Wheaties Multivitamin?

Answer 7: If you work hard enough, stay in school, and don’t take drugs, your chances will be slightly better than someone who is lazy, got kicked out of school, and smokes the pipe everyday.

In other words, no way.

Item: Wheaties Multivitamin
Purchase Price: $5.52
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Smells like Wheaties, which I think is a good thing. Chock full of healthy stuff I can’t spell or pronounce. Stays hard in milk.
Cons: Typical multivitamin. Not the scientific breakthrough I originally thought it was.

Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Marvo 15 Comments

Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Oh Jack in the Box, when will you learn?

You can’t give your food items funny names without them getting teased. First it was Pannido? Now it’s Ciabatta? What are you trying to do, get them beat up?

Well, now that I think about it, it shouldn’t be so surprising coming from Crack in the Box…Oh, wait, I mean, Crap in the Box…I mean, Wack in the Box…

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how poor Ciabatta could be teased:

Hakuna Ciabatta! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Ciabatta! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Or someone could say, “Hey Ciabatta! Where’s Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon?”

If there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to have their name teased it would be me. For example, there’s Marvo the Retardo, Marvo the Bizzaro, Marvo the Lardo, Marvo the Farto…

STOP TEASING ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?!

STOP! STOP! I’M NOT CRYING!!!

NO, NO, NOT A WEDGIE!!!

AAAGH!!!

NO, THOSE AREN’T SKIDMARKS!!!

Oh sorry, I was having a schoolyard flashback.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta is a new sandwich with a grilled chicken breast on a lightly toasted ciabatta bun with reduced fat herb mayo, sliced tomatoes, green leaf lettuce, and red onion slices.

Of course, the highlight of the sandwich is the Ciabatta, a bread with a crispy hard crust and a soft center, which is much like regular Italian bread and my pale body when it’s been out in the sun for too long.

Unfortunately, the Ciabatta bread didn’t add anything to the taste of the sandwich. Neither did the reduced fat herb mayo. At least it’s high in protein, which will help me build some muscles on my pale body.

It’s sure a whole lot easier than shooting steroids into my ass.

Item: Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Ciabatta bread was fluffy, like hair styles from the 1980s. High in protein.
Cons: Pricey. Ciabatta bread doesn’t add to the taste. Reduced herb mayo was bland. Easy name to make fun of. Hakuna Ciabatta!

The Squeeze Between the Cheese!!!

Marvo 26 Comments

Squeeze Between the Cheese

For those of you who are new to the Impulsive Buy, every so often we have a product battle, where you, the readers, decide what product we’re going to review.

This time we’ve got two products that we believe will have a close battle. I’m going to call this fight, “The Squeeze Between the Cheese.”

In this corner, weighing in at 18.8 ounces, packing 7 grams of fat and 9 grams of protein, his foes call him The Great White Hope because of his white chicken meat, here is the Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese soup.

(applause)

His opponent in the opposite corner, weighing in at 10.6 ounces, packing 4.5 grams of fat and 3 grams of protein, his nickname is The Orange Kid, here is the Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles.

(applause)

To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice, either the Campbell’s Carb Request Chicken Broccoli Cheese soup (The Great White Hope) or the Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles (The Orange Kid).

I’ll be accepting votes until Friday, March 4th. On Monday, March 7th, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

So let’s get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuumble.

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Marvo 13 Comments

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Aaah, the smell of vanilla from this box of Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme, it brought back such wonderful memories.

The pleasant memory of my mother baking chocolate chip cookies on a warm, breezy Spring day. The breeze would circulate the delicious aroma of the baking cookies throughout the house. That smell would guide me from my bedroom to the kitchen, where I waited, armed with a chilled glass of milk, to devour the freshly-baked goods.

Now I’m not a fan of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats because the “wheats” part of the name makes it sound too healthy. I’m not too fond of many healthy cereals, because they just don’t taste very good.

Although with this cereal, the vanilla aroma made me think it might turn out pretty good. I quickly poured myself a bowl and added some skim milk. I took another whiff of the cereal and it reminded me of another memory.

It reminded me of a time when I made sweet, sweet love with a lover in a bath surrounded by dozens of vanilla-scented candles. The illumination from the candles reflected off of the water and our wet skin. My lover and I caressed each other, making our hearts beat as one.

We laughed as our lovemaking caused violent waves in the bath, splashing several of the candles and extinguishing them. Although the heat from those candles were no longer there, my lover and I did not notice, for we made our own heat.

Now I don’t know if that flashback took too long, but when I took that first bite of the cereal all my hopes and dreams for it quickly went out the door, like the mailman when he gets caught sleeping with someone else’s wife.

First off, the cereal was damn soggy. It’s like each Frosted Mini-Wheat was a milk sponge. Also, the wonderful vanilla aroma didn’t become a wonderful vanilla taste. If it weren’t for the frosting, this cereal wouldn’t have a redeeming quality.

Also, to add injury to insult, my jaw began to get tired from chewing on these “milk sponges.”

After I finished the bowl, I opened the box and pulled out a piece of cereal. I looked at it and wondered why something that smells so good, doesn’t taste so good. I took another whiff of the vanilla aroma and I was again reminded of another memory.

This memory involved a lover lying face down on her bed, which was covered with petals of red roses. I poured warm vanilla-scented oil on her naked back and rubbed it all over, which, along with the moonlight coming in from the window, created an elegant shine.

My hands firmly massaged her tense muscles, attempting to massage her troubles away. She moaned erotically as I pushed my thumbs up her spine. My soft lips followed my thumbs with light kisses on her back, which caused her to moan much louder.

After that flashback, I popped the cereal in my mouth. When I started chewing, I instantly realized what was wrong with the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Cream. Milk does not do the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme good. Without the milk, they’re damn good.

I think I just found a new way of getting some fiber in my diet.

Before closing the box, I took one last whiff of the cereal and another memory popped into my head.

This time it reminded me of the intoxicating vanilla perfume worn by a stunning woman named Kristi, who was an expert dancer. Her flexibility and strength were her greatest assets as she danced around a pole.

I told my friend, who brought me there, that Kristi smelled astounding. He replied, “Yeah, I love the Scent of a Stripper,” as he put a five dollar bill in the crotch of Kristi’s thong.

Oh wait, now that I think about it, this memory was actually a combination of a dream and an episode of HBO’s G-String Divas.

Item: Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes great when eaten straight out of box. Excellent source of fiber. Frosting. Wonderful memories with vanilla.
Cons: Gets soggy quick. Doesn’t taste good when milk is added. Chewing for a long period of time may make your jaw hurt.