Tag: Arizona

If I ever harmed Kevin Federline (and believe me I am so frickin’ close to doing so) for either stupidity, releasing another rap album, or spreading his seed, I would hate to be arrested and questioned by the regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink and the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink…if they were cops.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably be the good cop, wanting to be friends with me and offering me things to eat and drink, while the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would be the bad cop, slapping the taste right out of my mouth for no reason and calling me a no good piece of shit.

Each would use their own tactics to get a confession out of me.

The regular Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably pat me on the back and say, “Hey man, I know you didn’t do it. You seem like a nice guy and you know how I can tell? Because I’m a nice guy and I taste almost like a regular Arizona Green Tea, except a little less sweet. I don’t want you to have to face my partner, diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. He’s an asshole. He thinks he’s bad ass, because he’s got 44 less grams of sugar, 90 percent less calories, and 46 grams less carbs than I do, but I’ve got 100 milligrams of caffeine compared to his 80 milligrams. That extra caffeine makes me more alert and makes me realize that you’re a nice guy. Just tell me who stuck that broom up Kevin Federline’s ass and you can go home.”

Other the hand the diet Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink would probably slap me across the face and say, “Hey asswipe, I know you shoved the broom up Kevin Federline’s ass, tied his arms and legs together, and left him in a room playing the Chicken Noodle Soup song non-stop. We can do this the easy way. Or we can do this the hard way. I prefer the hard way, which involves shoving a really thick broom up your ass, tying your arms and legs together, and leaving you alone in a room with a naked and oiled-up Yanni playing his greatest hits over and over again. What? You’re not going to say anything? Want me to kick your ass! I’m a bitter son of a bitch thanks to the Splenda in me. And you wouldn’t want to drink me when I’m warm, because I taste metallic and will slap the taste right out of your mouth, you little maggot.”

So who would I confess to?

Well they both have 0 grams of fat, low sodium, 100% RDA of Vitamin C, 100% RDA Vitamin B6, 100% RDA Vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng, 100 milligrams of inositol, 100 milligrams of guarana, 100 mg of glucuronolactone, and 35 milligrams of milk thistle. However, the diet version tastes horrible, especially when warm, and the regular has a little more caffeine.

But in the end, I would probably confess to both of them, because thanks to every entertainment news show, tabloid, and blog reporting on my deed, I would probably become a hero in the eyes of the millions of Kevin Federline haters out there.

Of course, I would be a hero until someone outdoes me by kidnapping Kevin Federline, strapping him to the back of a remote controlled AMC Gremlin like he’s having sex with it, and driving him across the country with a sign on his back, which says, “I will screw anything that moves.”

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews visit Energy Drink Ratings, Screaming Energy, and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink & Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink
Price: $1.75 each (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Regular)
Rating: 1 out of 5 (Diet)
Pros: Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink is like the good cop and it tastes decent. Regular version has 100 mg of caffeine. Diet version has only 20 calories per can and 6 grams of sugar. Both are full of energy herbs and vitamins.
Cons: Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink is like the bad cop and tastes horrible. Getting the taste slapped out of my mouth by the Arizona Diet Green Tea Energy Drink. Diet version has 80 mg of caffeine.

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.

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Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.