Tag: Betty Crocker

REVIEW: Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling

Stephanie 14 Comments

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling

Mistakes happen. For example, I think it was a mistake to use such a dopey name for the new Betty Crocker novelty cupcake mix. FUN-da-middles? I think I see what they’re trying to do here with the cupcake middles being filled with frosting and “Fundamental” being a word. But really Betty Crocker? FUN-da-middles? I… I just can’t.

I’m mature enough to admit when I’ve erred. Unfortunately, this tends to happen long after I’ve pulled twelve incorrectly-baked Betty Crocker Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles cupcakes out of my oven and have realized that the trademark gooey center has pushed itself towards the edges of my bite-sized dessert and has made it into an entirely different snack food, one that doesn’t nearly resemble the dessert pictured on the box and isn’t at all FUN. So now, although I’d intended to write a review of two FUN-da-middles cupcake flavors, it’s now just going to be about one. The one I did correctly. My bad.

Baking doesn’t come naturally to me. Apparently, neither does following directions.

I have vivid memories of art classes in elementary school. There would come that moment after activity time, when each of our projects would be displayed on the wall or on the art table… and I would suddenly realize that my project looked different from everyone else’s. Circles that were supposed to be carefully constructed would be ovals. Five-point stars would have seven points. Photo collages would for some reason have drawings of dogs in them. Now I know why. With my mind already preoccupied with what I’d eat for lunch at school, plans to beat World 4 on Super Mario Bros 3 after school, and most likely, the Tiny Toons theme song, I barely listened to the teacher’s instructions and would oftentimes “wing it.” That’s what happened here with these Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles.

I’m not a fantastic baker to begin with. There are far too many variables at play for me to whip up something that looks like it came straight from the pages of Bon Appétit, In fact, my first batch of FUN-da-middles looked like something straight from the pages of Fangoria. And it’s all because I tried to be crafty and cheap and made up the rules as I went. Winging it. Bad idea.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 3

Basically, when preparing the White Cake with Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles, I switched out the oil and eggs in the recipe for diet soda. Usually, diet soda combined with cake mix makes a dense, crumbly cupcake that is low in fat. (Yay!) However, swapping in soda for this recipe was a mistake — the structural integrity of the cupcakes was compromised in a way that altered the entire batch. Here’s the way it’s supposed to work: You mix the batter and fill up each cup in the cupcake pan by one-third. Then, using the enclosed frosting packet, you squeeze little dollops of flavored frosting on top then cover with the remaining batter. After baking, the cupcakes should be fluffy and have a perfect, sweet, gooey center.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 1

Not so for my cupcakes. My Creamy Chocolate Filling FUN-da-middles had a pudding-cake-like texture, very sticky. Not inedible, but definitely not what I wanted. I hadn’t realized that the chemical makeup of FUN-da-middles absolutely requires eggs and oil to make a stiffer cake, thereby creating a firm encasing for the gooey chocolate filling. So my cupcakes were more like FUN-da-OUTSIDES.

Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles 2

After kicking myself for about a day, I went back to the drawing board. This time, I baked the White Cake with Creamy Vanilla Filling FUN-da-middles. These looked more like your traditional Twinkie, and I figured if I actually followed the instructions this time, they’d taste like it. Actually, they tasted better than a Twinkie. The whole dozen came out much better than I had imagined, almost mirroring the picture on the box with nice golden outsides and white, gooey insides. Finally, the middles were FUN. Sort of.

Despite having to do a lot more measuring and clean up afterwards, thanks to cracked eggshells and oil drippings, I enjoyed the outcome. The cupcakes were dense but not oily, and the vanilla cream filling was light and sweet. These cupcakes were a little heavier and less squishier than my diet soda-induced, chocolate filling disaster.

So if you want to bake these cupcakes, don’t try to make up the rules as you go. You’ll end up with a real mess on your hands and all over the cupcake pan. I won’t lie, though…. While hard at work on my desserts, I still had the Tiny Toons theme song in my head.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/12 package – 120 calories (mix), 190 calories (as prepared), 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol,190 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 6% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Other Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles reviews:
Baking Bites

Item: Betty Crocker FUN-da-middles Yellow Cupcake Mix with Creamy Vanilla Filling
Price: $2.69
Size: 15.2 ounces / Makes 12 cupcakes
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: When prepared correctly, they had nice golden outsides and gooey insides. Following directions. Tiny Toons. Diet soda in regular boxed cake mix. Drawings of dogs in a photo collage.
Cons: Chocolate disasters. Diet soda in FUN-da-middles boxed cupcake mix. The fact that they’re called “FUN-da-middles.” Circles that are really ovals. World 4 in Super Mario Bros 3. Winging it while baking with an inflexible recipe.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper

Marvo 7 Comments

Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper

I tried. I really tried. But, I think it’s impossible to overdose on whole grains. I picked up as many products with whole grains as I could, which were all over the place. No, seriously. If I were to piss blindfolded in a grocery store, it’s hard not to hit a product that has whole grains.

In one day, I ate a bowl of Froot Loops made with whole grain, consumed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with whole wheat bread, snacked on Tostitos tortilla chips made with whole grain, inhaled a plate of pasta with whole grain noodles, chomped on whole grain Wheat Thins and ate a hearty serving of Betty Crocker’s new Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper.

That’s easily 100 grams of whole grain, which is twice the recommended 48 grams of whole grain one should eat daily. Whatever happened to “too much of a good thing can be bad”? I’ve eaten enough prunes in one sitting to know the effects of having too much of a good thing. If it had been 100 grams of cocaine, I’d be dead, unless I was Keith Richards. With that many grams of whole grain, I though I would at least have hallucinations of grain fields or giant spiders trying to eat me.

You know what? Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I could’ve had more whole grains if I had brunch, linner, and Taco Bell’s Fourthmeal. That would’ve taken me to around 175 grams of whole grain. Or even better, I could’ve hung out near the feederhouse or cylinder of a combine grain harvester. I would’ve easily gotten 1,000 grams of whole grain. Or maybe I should’ve eaten the entire skillet I prepared of Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper, which would’ve given me 80 grams of whole grain.

Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper Closeup

Although, I don’t know whether I could eat the entire skillet, because Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper looks weird. It’s like staring at Renee Zellwegger without any makeup on or me with a drag queen’s-worth of makeup on. It looks unappetizing and drab, like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids.

I blame the bronzed 100 percent whole grain elbow macaroni for making this Whole Grain Hamburger Helper look weird, and for giving the dish a grainy texture. Although, the grainy texture was expected since the whole grain noodles I had earlier, during my attempt to OD on whole grains, had the same texture.

But it’s not only the bronzed elbow macaroni that brings this Hamburger Helper down, it’s also the cheesy sauce, which wasn’t very cheesy. Some bites I took didn’t have any cheese flavor, and instead all I could taste was the ground beef I added. If I just wanted to taste the ground beef, I would’ve made myself a hamburger without the helper.

The Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper may sound like a healthier Hamburger Helper, but there really isn’t anything healthier about it beyond the whole grain pasta. Okay, it also has 240 milligrams less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper, but it has the same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as the regular version.

If you’re desperate to get whole grains, I guess it could be an option, but again, there are many other ways to get whole grains. To find out, just go to your favorite grocery store, blindfold yourself, pull down your pants, and pee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup prepared – 310 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper
Price: $2.29
Size: 4.8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Easy to prepare. Provides 16 grams of whole grain per serving. Less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Cheap meal. Good source of protein. No artificial flavors or preservatives.
Cons: Looks like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids. Not very cheesy. Grainy texture of macaroni. Same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Elbow macaroni looks like it’s been hanging out by the pool with George Hamilton. Eating too many prunes.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef

Marvo 31 Comments

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis

Marvo 17 Comments

Hi, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to learn about sharing. Can you say sharing?

Good job!

Have you ever heard the saying, “Sharing is caring?” Well it’s true, when you share it shows you care. Sharing is fun and cool. Not sharing is bad and evil. Do you know what we call people who don’t share? Take a guess. Poopie pants? No. Meanies? No. People who don’t share are called, “assholes.” Can you say, “asshole?”

Very good!

Here in front of me I have a package of the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, that come with two 1.23-ounce bowls. They’re much smaller than the regular Betty Crocker Warm Delights.

Now boys and girls, because I have two bowls, can I share it with someone? Yes, I can share it with someone. Who should I share it with? It should be someone who deserves or needs it. A friend? Yes. A family member? Yes. An Olsen twin? Definitely. An entire Ethiopian village? Possibly. Women who walk out of Curves? Most definitely.

Now boys and girls, if you were to give a bowl of Better Crocker Warm Delights Minis to a woman who walked out of Curves after a workout, it wouldn’t affect her too much. It has only 150 calories per bowl, but don’t tell her that, because it’s more fun that way. Let the guilt spread and if they feel bad about it, they can conveniently turn around and walk back into Curves to burn it off.

It’s not evil, boys and girls. It would be evil if you gave her both bowls or if you gave her a bowl of each Warm Delights Minis flavor: Chocolate Raspberry Decadence, Molten Chocolate Cake, and Molten Caramel Cake. The important thing is that you shared it with her, and in return she’ll probably share something with you, like a dirty look or a peek at her leopard leotard covered body. Can you say “tacky?”

Great job!

A bowl of Warm Delights Minis is so easy to make that you could do it yourself without parental guidance, and if you understand measurements. Just empty the cake mix into the bowl and mix well with one tablespoon water plus one teaspoon water. Squeeze the topping pouch ten times, cut off corner of pouch, and squeeze four to six lines of the topping over the batter. Microwave uncovered on high for thirty seconds. Let stand for two minutes.

Now boys and girls, you know how the school bully uses their bad body odor and fat ass to overpower you for your lunch money? It’s sort of like how the raspberry topping for Chocolate Raspberry Decadence overpowers the chocolate cake, making it overly tart and a little too sweet. The chocolate topping with the Molten Chocolate Cake is like the shy kid in the back of the room who doesn’t like to stand out and is an average student. It didn’t really make the chocolatey cake any more chocolatey. As for the Molten Caramel Cake, it’s like a B-grade student, because they’re both good and have the potential to be really good, but for some reason they fall short. The cake in all three of them is light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Not bad for something made out of cake mix and a little water.

So remember boys and girls, sharing is caring, and if someone doesn’t want to share, you should call them an “asshole.” If they still won’t share, punch them in the face and say to them, “I just shared my fist with you.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl (varies per flavor) – 150 calories, 3.5 to 4.5 grams of fat, 1 to 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, zero grams of cholesterol, 160 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 25 to 26 grams of carbs, one gram of fiber, 15 to 17 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, very little calcium, very little iron, and 50 grams of sharing.)

Item: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to make. Molten Caramel Cake was the best. 150 calories per bowl. Cake was light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Feeding dessert to women who walk out of Curves. Mini bowls cover my A cup titties well.
Cons: Raspberry topping overpowered the chocolate cake. Chocolate topping didn’t seem to add anything to the cake. Trans fat. Those who wear leopard leotards.

Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies

Ace 16 Comments

I have never really been a fan of frosted cakes. Sure, it’s been force fed to me my entire life, but I’ve never really been gripped by its supposedly tasty talons. It’s always been boring and nauseatingly sweet, leaving me with a plate full of uneaten frosting. The only time I plan on enjoying cake is when a stripper pops out of a giant one at a bachelor party. This is why Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Fudge Brownies seemed like it would be a great buy as I combed through the cake aisle.

Brownies are basically cakes for badasses. They are dense, satisfying, and don’t need fifteen pounds of frosting to taste good. Please note the lack of rainbow-colored pastels and shaved coconut. Indeed, these brownies do not fuck around. They are a perfect vessel for real goodies like ice cream and chopped walnuts. When you think about it, why would anyone prefer a plain cake? Would anyone care about the birthday cake if it wasn’t an empty palette that candles fit perfectly on? I would heavily campaign for the “Birthday Brownie,” but I’m afraid it would sound like I was promoting some deviant sexual act.

It comes as no surprise that the good folks at General Mills took the opportunity to pimp out Betty Crocker and have her hock these brownies. If you didn’t already know, Betty Crocker is a fictional character invented in the 1920’s so that housewives would learn their roles and get in the kitchen. I wish I was kidding. The actress portraying her would dispense valuable baking and homemaking advice for the captive audience. In reality, Betty Crocker is just as real as the Chupacabra, Batman, and your favorite porn star’s boobs.

Fake or not, Betty does a pretty good job of preparing a delicious brownie mix. Is it an “ultimate” one? Well, it comes reasonably close. Since little things tend to bother me far more than they ever should, the fact that they even call it “ultimate” is a bit annoying. The flavor of chocolate can never just be “chocolate” any more. No, it has be “double fudge,” “chocoholic,” and even the curiously named “fudge pack” that I’ve steered clear of. Betty Crocker takes this to a new extreme, as the Ultimate Fudge Brownies utilize the cocoa bean in every form imaginable to create the desired effect.

Not only is the brownie mix itself already infused with cocoa powder, but a bag of mini chocolate chips is included in the box. Once all of the ingredients are thoroughly mixed together, an included packet of Hershey’s syrup is squeezed in for good measure. This is because Betty decided that the brownies really needed the extra sugar. It doesn’t say it on the box, but if you have any leftover fondue from last week’s dinner party, they want you to mix that in too.

Despite my complaining about the convoluted preparation, they do come out hot and tasty from the oven. They are very rich and melt in your mouth, as all good chocolate products should. There is a nice hint of molasses flavor which keeps the brownies from being too sweet. With a sippy-cup full of milk, I can mow through quite a few brownies in one sitting. Be careful, though, all of the molten chocolate syrup and chips will almost certainly burn you horrendously if you decide to eat it too soon. I doubt Betty Crocker’s advice would be able to help you then.

Item: Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Brownies are delectable and hot. Miniature packets of syrup and chocolate chips are fun. Strippers that come out of giant cakes. Competent and efficient housewives.
Cons: Amount of chocolate makes you question if eating is worth almost-certain diabetes. Plain cake sucks. Betty Crocker isn’t a real person.