Tag: Beverage

REVIEW: Polar Unicorn Kisses Seltzer

Kyle 3 Comments

Polar Unicorn Kisses Seltzer

When I was a kid, I often remember visiting a drive-thru wild animal park with my parents. Aside from the fact that the monkeys would wildly flail about while removing the piping from our minivan’s windows, it was a great place to go to take in the wonders of the savannah (albeit the Canadian savannah, but I digress).

We’d usually close our trip with a stopover at the petting zoo, my hands full of vending machine pellets ready to feed Larry the Llama and Gary the Goat. My three-year-old self was shocked at the vigor at which the animal’s tongue attacked the food in my hand – an image I still can’t forget. Regrettably, this is my only frame of reference for understanding the concept of “unicorn kisses.”

Thankfully, Polar Seltzer’s Unicorn Kisses is not a bottle of magical glitter pony saliva, but instead an April Fools’ flavor designed to elicit giggles in the grocery aisle. Polar is known for its unorthodox flavors (like eggnog and mint chocolate), but you typically have an idea of what they’ll taste like before you open them. Unicorn Kisses gives you no such advance warning.

Polar Unicorn Kisses Seltzer 2

Prepping for the worst, I set off on a quest to find a bottle. Polar released only 5,000 cases of Unicorn Kisses into the wild, so I had a difficult time finding a store that had any in stock. I felt like Dora the Explorer (minus the anthropomorphic monkey), walking from supermarket to supermarket trying to find a bottle. After what felt like countless days of searching, I finally picked some up at my local Star Market.

Upon opening, I half expected the bottle to explode into rainbows, but instead I was greeted with the scent of green apple and cotton candy. While Polar prides itself on its “all natural” label, this smell was all artificial, like a liquid Jolly Rancher. Based on my nose alone, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to drink a sip, let alone an entire glass, but I queued up “Charlie the Unicorn” for support and dove in.

Polar Unicorn Kisses Seltzer 3

Other blogs have tried to place the flavor of Unicorn Kisses, with suggestions ranging from melon to soap, but the only thing I could taste was candy necklaces. Surprisingly, the flavor wasn’t as pronounced as the smell – it actually took me some time to figure out that this seltzer tasted like penny candy. Because it was so cloyingly sweet, I couldn’t finish a whole glass, leading me to feel like I wasn’t respecting the countless unicorns who worked so hard on this product.

In the end, the takeaways from this review are as follows: Unicorn Kisses is a fun diversion but is gross to drink, and you should stay far, far, far away from Candy Mountain.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 fluid ounces – 0 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: 1 liter
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Double rainbow. No calories. Revisiting childhood memories. Alliterative animal names.
Cons: “Swiper, no swiping.” Llama tongue. Overly sweet and artificial. Vintage candy.

REVIEW: Java Monster Salted Caramel

Marvo 2 Comments

Java Monster Salted Caramel

Java Monster flavors are like Ben & Jerry’s flavors in that you could blindfold me in front of the store’s display case that holds them, spin me around multiple times while Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me ‘Round” plays on the store’s P.A. system, allow me to randomly select a flavor, slap that flavor out of my hand, yell “bad doggie” at me, hand me a different flavor, and whatever that is it’ll be tasty.

I’ve never had a horrible Ben & Jerry’s flavor, and after drinking the new Java Monster Salted Caramel, I still haven’t had a bad Java Monster flavor.

Speaking of flavors, Monster Energy, maybe we could see a Pumpkin Spice Java Monster in the fall?

Each can has 170 milligrams of caffeine that gets my heart pumpkin. I mean, pumpin’. Geez, I really want a Java Monster Pumpkin Spice. That sounds like a lot, and it is, but it’s slightly lower than other flavors. Loca Moca and Mean Bean Java Monster has 188 milligrams and Kona Blend Java Monster has 189 milligrams.

Java Monster Salted Caramel 2

The best way I can describe the coffee drink’s flavor is to say it’s caramel bookended by bursts of saltiness. Now when I write “saltiness” I’m not saying my mouth got slapped by the Morton’s Salt Girl. It’s faint and easy to miss, which I guess is a good thing because I wouldn’t want my mouth to think I’m swimming in the Dead Sea. But the saltiness is so light that if it was called Java Monster Caramel, I wouldn’t think otherwise. As for the caramel flavor, it’s as if Monster melted down Werther’s Original and added it to their coffee, milk, and sugar mixture. Overall, it’s pretty damn good.

But is it better than the other Java Monster flavors?

No.

I like them all equally. But it’s nice to have another flavor, because, I’ll be honest, I was getting a little tired of the vanilla and chocolate flavored ones.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 ounces – 180 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 550 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 25 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.79
Size: 15 oz. can
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Werther’s-like caramel flavor. Easy to drink. Never had a bad Java Monster flavor. Never had a bad Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Pumpkin Spice Java Monster?
Cons: Slightly less caffeine than other Java Monster flavors. “You Spin Me ‘Round” being the default soundtrack to being spun around. Pumpkin Spice Java Monster?

REVIEW: Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk

Dan 10 Comments

Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk

Green, yellow, brown: there are three distinct stages in the life cycle of an edible banana, and each tastes different.

Young, green bananas are tropical, wild, and a little too immature to be useful. Yellows are in the prime of their life; from fondue to Mario Kart weapons, their potential is limitless. Finally, old and ripened brown bananas become progressively softer and sweeter, but they eventually reach the point where they must be mashed, pureed, and baked into banana bread.

I would say that this parallels the aging process of humans, but if I did, I’d probably receive a restraining order from every retirement home in the country.

The reason I’m pondering elderly bananas (please don’t arrest me) is the glass of Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk that sits before me. The Sir Bananas line of milk claims to use real bananas, so I’m left wondering which of those three banana types it will taste like.

Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk 2

As I take my first sip of the light brown milk, I’m happy to say that the flavor, too, is mostly “brown banana.” Much more rich, ripe, and darkly sweet than it is fruity, the banana taste here is authentic to its namesake without being overwhelming.

Strangely, though, the milk’s aftertaste does have a bit of a tropical bite. So either Sir Bananas used an 80:20 mix of brown and green bananas for their milk, or every old banana they used was a hip and youthful Betty White banana.

Hmm, on second sip, that aftertaste really lingers. Maybe there were some crankier “Where’s the Beef?” bananas in there.

As for the chocolate flavor, it’s much closer to a sugary milk chocolate (think Nesquik and M&M’s) than it is to a decadent Dutch chocolate or bitter dark chocolate. I would have appreciated a more complex cocoa sensation, but I don’t think Sir Bananas the cartoon monkey was trying to appeal to the “99% Pure Dark Midnight Cacao Organic Whole Foods Artisanal Holland Death By Chocolate” audience anyway. 99% of kids will love this stuff.

Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk 3

All in all, the combo of banana, chocolate, and vanilla reduced-fat milk ironically produces a very tasty and unique whole. It’s pretty much a liquefied loaf of Grandma’s buttery frosted chocolate chip banana bread (note: I mean bread made by Grandma, not made from Grandma).

However, this Bananamilk does suffer from what I like to call the “Cookie Butter Paradox.” Sure, it’s good, but like a jar of cookie butter, what the hell are you supposed to do with all of it? If you don’t want to end up crying over spoiled milk, you’ll need to get creative.

Being the cereal geek that I am, I couldn’t resist using my Bananamilk to dabble in cereal mixology. 1 bowl of Froot Loops + 1/2 cup Bananamilk = 1 Banana Split Cereal, coming right up. Call me crazy, but after I defibrillated my sugar-shocked heart, I thought it tasted pretty good.

Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk 4

For the adventurous, this milk is ripe (whoops, Freudian slip) with possibilities. If you buy Sir Bananas other, plain Bananamilk variety, pour it over Peanut Butter Crunch to make Elvis Cereal. If you want caffeine and potassium, spike your morning coffee with Bananamilk. Or just hook yourself up to an IV drip of it and die happy.

So if you buy this banana-flavored cow liquid, let it be a canvas for your imagination. Go ahead…

…wait for it…

…you knew this was coming…

…last chance to close your browser window…

…go bananas!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 170 calories, 35 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 1010 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Item: Sir Bananas Chocolate Bananamilk
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 64 oz. carton
Purchased at: Meijer
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Liquefied frosted chocolate chip banana bread IV drips. Banana Nesquik’s spiritual successor. My future career as a cereal bartender. A banana product without any Minions on it.
Cons: The “Cookie Butter Paradox.” Wishing for a near-death (by chocolate) experience. My impossible dream of “M&M’s milk.” Freudian slipping on a banana peel.

QUICK ENERGY DRINK REVIEW: Rockstar Pure Zero Watermelon Energy Drink

Marvo 8 Comments

Rockstar Pure Zero Watermelon Energy Drink

Rockstar’s Pure Zero Watermelon Energy Drink has 240 milligrams of caffeine, so this review will have 240 words.

When I think of large fruits with lots of seeds that are popular this time of year, I think of pumpkin. But it appears Rockstar Energy thinks of watermelon. Of course, a pumpkin-flavored energy drink sounds gross, so I think Rockstar picked the right fruit for their new energy drink.

The Pure Zero line gets its name because it has zero calories and sugar. It also has zero fat, zero protein, and lots of zeroes in the 100 percent values of B vitamins it has. And, of course, there’s the zero in the 240 milligrams of caffeine it has (play Motley Crue’s “Jumpstart My Heart” intro here).

As for its flavor, imagine a watermelon slice that’s not quite ripe. Then imagine taking a bite from that slice from the side and getting a bit too much of the melon’s white part. Now imagine an artificial and candified version of that flavor and you’ll get an idea of what this energy drink tastes like. There are also moments when it has an artificial sour apple flavor.

I know my description doesn’t make it sound that good, and I didn’t care for the first few sips, but its flavor grew on me. Maybe my tastebuds are weird. Or maybe it’s the huge jolt of caffeine making me type this, but I enjoyed its flavor.

Rockstar Pure Zero Watermelon Energy Drink 2

Purchased Price: 2 for $3.00
Size: 16 oz. cans
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (8 fl. oz) 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% niacin, 100% vitamin B12, 100% vitamin B6, and 100% pantothenic acid.

QUICK ENERGY DRINK REVIEW: Muscle Monster Banana Energy Shake

Marvo

Muscle Monster Banana Energy Shake

The Muscle Monster Banana Energy Shake has 160 milligrams of caffeine, so this review will have exactly 160 words.

This energy shake gets its banana flavor from banana puree and natural flavor; its 25 grams of protein from ultrafiltered skim milk, reduced fat milk, and calcium caseinate; and its sweet, sweet caffeine from sweet, sweet caffeine.

Thanks to the banana puree, the first two or three sips were pleasant and reminded me of banana NesQuik. But then all the energy ingredients seemed to turn the flavor into bizzaro banana.

Look, before this I loved ALL banana flavored products. I even love those hated banana Runts. But this drink proves I don’t love ALL banana products. After the first few sips the banana flavor got weak, the bitterness from the energy ingredients stood out, and the aftertaste was as unpleasant as most sugar-free energy drinks.

I finished the can, but I wouldn’t buy it again. It isn’t terrible, it’s just tolerable.

Muscle Monster Banana Energy Shake 2

Purchased Price: $4.62 for 2
Size: 15 oz. cans
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (one can) 200 calories, 35 calories from fat, calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 410 milligrams of sodium, 780 milligrams of potassium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 25 grams of protein, 90% vitamin C, 60% calcium, 190% riboflavin, 190% niacin, and 190% vitamin B6.