Tag: Burger King

Purchased Price: $1.59*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Awesome value for $1 (Decent value for $1.59). Love the sweet and spicy barbecue sauce, which there was just the right amount of. Size of onion rings ensure there’s a bit of it in every bite. Onion rings and barbecue sauce complement the beef patty well. Even though they were sitting in its wrapper for about 10 minutes, the onion rings were still a little crispy. 450 milligrams of sodium is surprisingly low for a fast food burger.
Cons: Having to pay $1.59 for a sandwich that’s being advertised at $1. It’s not at all filling. Beef patty was noticeably smaller than the toasted sesame seed bun. I really should say “Where’s the Beef?” but I think many of you are too young to know the reference.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. Most of you will pay just $1 for it.

Nutrition Facts: 310 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, and 9 grams of protein.

‘Tis the season.

The McRib season, that is. America’s favorite pork sandwich has finally returned to McDonald’s restaurants across the country. Ribheads far and wide began planning their yearly poetry slams in dedication to the rib sandwich…until terror struck.

When the folks over at Reddit posted an alleged picture of a frozen McRib patty, all hell broke loose. The public felt betrayed: How could such an unappetizing white block of flash-frozen pig meat really transform into the McRib, a sandwich worthy of the gods?

While McDonald’s was busy being condemned by the media, Burger King emerged from the shadows to offer the American people a porky alternative.

Just in time for the holiday season, Burger King has unveiled their value menu BBQ Rib Sandwich, an obvious McRib rival. For a single dollar, the customer can receive a boneless rib patty served on a sesame seed bun with onions, pickles, and barbecue sauce. It’s bound to be on all the kiddies’ Christmas lists. What five-year-old doesn’t look forward to unwrapping a slab of processed meat slathered in barbecue sauce on Christmas morning? Don’t answer that.

Now let’s get serious for a moment. It’s possible that Burger King’s rib patties undergo a process of flash-freezing similar to McDonald’s. But what you don’t know won’t hurt you, right? Sure, the saturated fat and high sodium content might slowly clog my arteries and lead to high blood pressure, but if there’s one thing Robin Williams ever taught me, it’s carpe diem. He also taught me that sometimes you need to dress up like an elderly Scottish nanny to spy on your family.

As I entered my local Burger King restaurant, I had high expectations. After all, the chain proved they knew how to handle barbecue pork through the their summer rib sandwich, which strongly resembles the new value menu BBQ Rib Sandwich.

As soon as I saw the generic, grease-stained hamburger wrapper that held the rib sandwich, I knew I was going to be disappointed.

The BBQ Rib Sandwich is served on a standard Burger King sesame seed bun, which failed to impress due to its floppy and bland nature. Though the sweet, tangy barbecue sauce provided a kick of heat that complemented the porky flavor of the rib patty, there wasn’t enough sauce present on the sandwich.

The BBQ Rib Sandwich came topped with two pickles and a measly slice of onion. Though these toppings provided a minor crunch to the sandwich, both the pickle and onion flavors seemed masked by the barbecue sauce.

In comparison to the rib sandwich released by Burger King this past summer, the new BBQ Rib Sandwich is notably inferior. Though the rib patty and barbecue sauce on the two sandwiches seem very similar, the BBQ Rib Sandwich features a disappointing bun and fewer, less tasty pickles. In addition, the BBQ Rib Sandwich just looks miserable.

It seems the new BBQ Rib Sandwich will not be on my Christmas list this year. Instead, I’ll be asking Santa for a big ol’ sack of McRibs.

Saint Nick better not try to fool me with reindeer meat again. I know the difference.

(Nutrition Facts – 450 calories, 250 calories from fat, 28 grams of total fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 930 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and 19 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King BBQ Rib Sandwich
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Sweet, tangy barbecue sauce complements pork flavor. Only one dollar. Robin Williams. McRibs for Christmas.
Cons: Pickle and onion flavors are masked. Floppy bun. Inferior to BK’s summer rib sandwich.

For every Diablo II, there is a Titan Quest. For every Bruce Lee, you get a Bruce Li (or a Bruce Leung if you’re really unfortunate). And for every Volcano, you are tortured by a Dante’s Peak. Is it me or am I the only who laughed when that old lady was screaming in that boiling lake? The melting legs in Volcano were funny too, but at least it had Anne Heche when she was “librarian-hot.”

They say people believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. (Run-on sentence warning.) I say people who say that are secretly wishing to bury a pickaxe into the skull of the imitation rather than spew some bullshit silver lining sayings.

Burger King’s Big King isn’t so much an imitation as it is more of a dare to size up a corporate “Who’s penis is bigger?” argument. The name itself, Big King, is a figurative flaming arrow shot Rambo-way at a certain clown who hawks a particular legendary two all-beef patties sandwich.

But if you plan on taking down a legend, you need to bring more than just empty talk.

You see, I envision this as a bonus stage in Mortal Kombat II, complete with a pixelated voice shouting “Round One, FIGHT!” and the secret blood code unlocked. It’s Big King versus Big Mac! (Cue the underrated Utah Saints’ remix of Mortal Kombat theme song.)

Then I picture the sap playing as Big King watching in silence as he is being barraged by multiple point punches. Soon, computerized shouts of “Toasty!” and “Flawless” pepper the air as the digitalized lettuce and pickles start flying around. Of course, the player smashes the Playstation controller onto the cold tile and walks out.

I believe Big King was introduced in the 90’s, the decade that brought such embarrassments like the soul patch, nipples on Batman’s suit or The Spin Doctors. However, not everything in the 90’s was bad, but Big King will make you think otherwise.

As you can imagine, Big King is two savory fire-grilled beef patties, special sweet thousand island sauce, lettuce, melted American cheese, crunchy pickles, crispy onions in a sesame seed bun. Don’t try to hum that tune while saying that because it won’t work. If you don’t detect the difference, your taste buds will certainly alert you to it.

The burger, to say at the very least, made me contemplate suicide after I poisoned all my goldfish by dropping an Alka-Seltzer in the bowl while listening to Interpol. Dramatic I know, but this burger was a complete Hindenburg disaster.

Upon examination, there was so much sauce. It was dripping off the sides like a glazed donut. The burger patties were dry and thin, like those cheap chocolate chip cookies you get from a subpar travel lodge. True to form in my experience, the cheese was not melted and limp. Yet, the lettuce and onions were abundant and crisp, and those pickles crunched like a sonata. Maybe those passive-aggressive people are right, there is a damned silver lining in everything!

When I took my first bite, I wanted to throw it away angrily or 80’s-style wrestler stomp it on the ground. All I could taste was the tangy thousand-island dressing that had too much mayonnaise, the intense briny edge of the pickles and flavorless (but crispy) iceberg lettuce. If the sesame bun was toasted, I had no clue because it was soggy and disgusting. It was like eating a sweet mayonnaise and lettuce sandwich. The onions didn’t even add much, except depression.

The sauce drowned out everything. It doesn’t help the beef patties were wafer-thin as if it were pretending to be carpaccio and the flavorless lettuce only emphasized the sole flavor of sweet and tangy globs of mayonnaise.

I was so angry, the onion rings couldn’t even make me happy. Instead I smashed it with my fists and Frisbee’d the offensive sandwich into my neighbor’s lawn.

Burger King’s promise that “Taste is King” on its bags is akin to the corner escort who says “I love you long time.” I’m all for an alternative, but sometimes the old adage rings true…the original is sometimes better. Unless you’re talking about 2008’s Rambo, which I hate to admit, it kicks First Blood out of the jungle.

(Nutrition Facts – 510 calories, 29 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of sugar, 18 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Big King
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: The lettuce and pickles were crunchy. Jet Li. You will be find comfort being assured that McDonald’s still trumps in all other special sauce sandwiches. Unlocking the blood code and stomping things 80’s wrestler style.
Cons: Too much sauce. Cheese not melted. Bruce Li. Thin and dry patties. The onion rings won’t save you. Smashing your controller in a fit of rage as an adult.

I have to admit “Satisfries” is a very clever name for Burger King’s latest addition to their sides menu. Or perhaps I should say its name gratifries my wordplay bone. Yes, I could fill this review with words that end with -fries, but the thought of that probably horrifries many. So this sentence signifries the end of me using anymore words I’ve made up using the suffix -fries.

Burger King’s Satisfries look like your typical crinkle-cut fries, but it’s what you don’t see that’s being promoted heavily by the fast food company. According to Burger King’s website in a big, bold font, Satisfries have 40 percent less fat and 30 percent less calories than McDonald’s fries. They also have 20 percent less calories and 25 percent less fat than Burger King’s classic fries, even though they’re cooked in the same fryers, same oil, for the same amount of time as the non-crinkled fries.

So what fast food magic allows Satisfries to have less fat and calories? According to Burger King, these new fries use a less porous batter to keep out more oil during cooking. So how are these crinkle-cut fries that sound like they’ve been through a culinary Oxy acne treatment?

I like them. In fact, I like them more than BK’s classic fries. Although, to be honest, I don’t think too highly of them.

They have a better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries and because they’re thicker there’s a lot of hot and fluffy goodness inside. It’s almost as if they’ve been stuffed with mashed potatoes. Satisfries go great with ketchup (and Burger King’s Zesty sauce) and have a pleasant crisp exterior, however I think BK’s classic fries are crispier and salted better. The first few Satisfries I ate were salted well, but as I made my way through the sleeve, they seemed to be less salty.

However, while Satisfries have significantly less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries, I don’t think they have the flavor to make my taste buds crave them instead of McDonald’s starchy offering. They taste too similar to the frozen crinkle-cut fries I can prepare in my oven.

You also have to pay a premium for them. They’re 10 to 30 cents more expensive than Burger King’s classic fries and there’s an upcharge if you want them with your value meal.

Personally, I think Burger King should make their Satisfries the same price as their classic fries and then have the two battle it out for the hearts and wallets of consumers. The product that sells better wins and becomes Burger King’s only fries and the loser is banished from the fast food world and promises to never return, not even for a limited time, joining Burger King’s pre-2011 fries and The King mascot.

I hope Burger King’s Satisfries sell well and takes its rightful place as the fast food chain’s default fries. They’re better tasting, better for you, and have a better name than their classic fries. Also, having two different fries on the menu that have almost the same flavor profile stupefries me.

Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

(Nutrition Facts – medium size – 340 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Satisfries
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries. Clever name. Less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries and BK’s classic fries. Hot and fluffy innards. Crispy exterior. Not using diversifries, exemplifries, and identifries in this review.
Cons: Pricier than Burger King’s classic fries. Not as crispy and salty as BK’s classic fries. Still not as good as McDonald’s fries. Autocorrect correcting every attempt to type Satisfries.

Remember when Burger King’s slogan was, “Have it your way”?

I do. Actually, I’ll never forget because it’s tattooed on my mind. And that mind tattoo is burned in a dark part of my head where evil thoughts roam, revenge run free, and horrible pop song lyrics hibernate until they decide to pop into my consciousness at odd times. Anger is what prevents the slogan from moving into the pop culture ether in another part of my head.

The slogan has been there for many years because I could not get a Whopper made my way. All I wanted was some French fries on my Whopper, but the cashier said I couldn’t do that. And the manager who was listening to our conversation also said I couldn’t do that. Blurting out their slogan over and over again using various tones probably didn’t help. Although, now that I think about it, I was kind of being a prick by testing the system.

Epiphany!

Catharsis!

Anger released!

Ohhhh. “Have it your way” moving to the pop culture ether in another area of my mind, where it’ll float with other useless information that will come in handy during trivia or while doing icebreaker worksheets.

While it may not be a Whopper topped with French fries, the Burger King French Fry Burger comes pretty close. It’s topped with a fire-grilled beef patty, lettuce, mayonnaise, ketchup, and, of course, French fries. Because the French Fry Burger is a value menu item, don’t expect a pile of fries. Actually, don’t expect any particular number of fries because it seems to vary. I ordered two of them and both came with three fries. Our friends over at Grub Grade had one with four fries and Man Reviews Food received one with six fries.

(Note: Let us know in the comments how many fries were in your Burger King French Fry Burger.)

The sandwich has that signature Burger King beef flavor that comes with every Whopper…and every burp after eating a Whopper. With both burgers I purchased, the mayo to ketchup ratio significantly leaned more towards the former. I was hoping there would be more ketchup, since, you know, ketchup and fries go together like suits and ties; clouds and skies; and poop and flies.

If you order through the drive-thru or get your food to go, there’s a 100 percent chance the fries in the sandwich will be soggy by the time you wrap your mouth around it. But when you do get around to eating it, the fries will provide a noticeable fluffy starchiness that no sesame seed bun could provide. However, what isn’t noticeable is a potato flavor, which seems to get lost between the gloops of mayonnaise and ketchup. Perhaps six fries might’ve helped with that.

Overall, I think the French Fry Burger is tasty, but its nonexistent French fry flavor makes it tastes too similar to a Whopper. To me, the only appeal of Burger King’s French Fry Burger is the fact it’s only a dollar (or $1.19 here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean). Its cheap price probably makes it taste better than the fries do.

(Nutrition Facts – 360 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 490 milligrams of sodium, 37 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King French Fry Burger
Purchased Price: $1.19*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Only a dollar at most Burger King locations. A tasty, cheap sandwich. Something to buy when I don’t feel like eating a McDonald’s McDouble. Letting go of anger.
Cons: The three fries in each of my burgers didn’t provide a noticeable potato flavor. Inconsistent number of fries among fast food bloggers. If you order it to go, there’s a good chance the fries will be soggy. Tastes too much like a Whopper. Muttering “Have it your way” in my sleep. Whopper burps.

*because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we sometimes pay more for things.