Tag: Burger King

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich think they’re angry, but they’re not. I’ll show you angry, muthabitches!

Woke up at 4 am ’cause someone was dragging a bag of cans on the street.
Pissed me off because they interrupted me in the middle of REM sleep.
Got to my feet, looked outside and saw a bum digging through the trash.
Told him to be quiet or else that can in his hand would be his last.
He slurred something I didn’t understand, I think he had too much wine.
Said to him I’m going to pop a cap in his ass with my muthafuckin’ nine.
Pulled out my gat and flashed it at the defenseless homeless man.
Then he mumbled some gibberish to me I couldn’t quite understand.
I said, “Don’t make me come down there and mess you up, you bum.”
“I dare you” is what I think he slurred with his alcoholic tongue.
But my gat was a water gun I got for 100 skee ball tickets at the arcade.
So I told him, “Oh, you’re lucky I don’t have bullets. Now go away.”
Then someone yells “Shut up you two or else I’m going to call the cops.”
Then I quickly hide behind my curtains and the argument stops.

You see that? I was so angry that I might’ve killed a man. If I had a real gun, some bullets, and I wasn’t scared of firearms due to a pellet gun accident at Boy Scout camp, I would’ve dropped that hobo dead. What kind of anger do those two chicken sandwiches wield? All they have are Pepper Jack cheese, jalapenos, angry onions and angry sauce.

Ooooh, that’s angry. I’m scared of them. I better lock my doors. I better have 911 on speed dial incase they get angrier. I should go find Betty Ross so that she can calm them down when they turn into the Incredible Hulk. Pfff…Their ingredients aren’t angry. Let me show you angry.

Waiting in line to pay for my banana Slurpee.
Watching the old lady pull out her coin purse in front of me.
Oh, she better not be paying with pennies, nickels and dimes,
or else I’m going to end her life before her time.
Driving Miss Daisy spills the contents of her purse on the counter,
I was going spill my Slurpee on her head and then pound her.
Counting off each coin one by one by one by one,
She owed $5.23 for a sandwich and a bag of Funyuns.
The cashier tried to speed things up by collecting her amount,
but the old hag didn’t want anyone to help her count.
I lose my mind and yell at her, “Could you go any slower?”
I cause her to miscount and now she has to start all over.
Now everyone in the back of the line is yelling at me.
“How could you be so mean to the elderly?”
Some guy grabs my Slurpee and pours it over my head.
I ran out of the store and cried like a baby as I fled.

Yeah, that’s right. I was so angry that I would’ve beat up an old lady. And if it weren’t for that guy who was smart enough to cool my hot head down with a Slurpee, who knows what I might’ve done to that grandma who says “hi” to me every time I pass her on the sidewalk.

The Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich are like their weak ass cousin, the Angry Whopper — all talk, no burn. The only thing that saves their asses from being total wussies is the fact the both of them are kind of tasty, although I thought the Angry Tendercrisp was a little better. The angry sauce gives both of them a nice barbeque flavor with a little kick, but not enough to be considered “angry.” The jalapenos also provide a little more heat than the sauce and the “angry onions” don’t add anything, except a little crunch. The bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce and the lettuce and tomatoes help to cool each sandwich’s “anger” even more. But, again, both sandwiches are tasty.

I guess in order for me to consider them angry, the Angry Tendercrisp and Angry Original Chicken Sandwich would have to either kill a hobo for making too much noise or bitch slap an elderly person for paying in pennies.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Angry Tendercrisp – 1030 calories, 61 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 2670 milligrams of sodium, 82 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar and 40 grams of protein. Angry Original Chicken Sandwich – 870 calories, 55 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 2430 milligrams of sodium, 61 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

(We Rate Stuff reviewed the Angry Original Chicken Sandwich and the Angry Tendercrisp.)

Item: Burger King Angry Tendercrisp & Angry Original Chicken Sandwich
Price: $6.49 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Price: $5.49 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Angry Tendercrisp)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Angry Original Chicken Sandwich)
Pros: Tasty sandwiches. Hearty sandwiches. Angry sauce has a nice barbeque flavor. Chicken coating was crispy. Angry onion provide crunch. Lettuce and tomatoes provide vegetables. My skee ball skills.
Cons: Not angry. Extremely high in sodium. Contains trans fat. Bacon gets lost with the smokey angry sauce. Elderly abuse. Killing hobos. Paying for purchases with pennies. My rhyming ability.

Geez, it seems like everyone is reproducing by the litter. First, it was the and now Burger King has spewed out from its flame-broiled uterus the BK Burger Shots.

I wouldn’t be surprised if TLC offered either of them a reality show on their network.

The BK Burger Shots come in either a two- or six-pack. I bought the six-pack because sometimes I like to pretend I have friends. Each shot comes with a wittle flame-broiled burger topped with a wittle bit of mustard, a wittle bit of ketchup and a pickle in between a wittle fluffy bun. Those of you who have the privilege of living near a White Castle or Krystal, and love their sliders, are probably screaming obscenities at your monitor and calling Burger King an unoriginal bastard. But those of you who don’t live near a White Castle or Krystal can now have your own Harold and Kumar adventure after smoking a big bowl of the ganja.

As you can see in the picture above, the BK Burger Shots six-pack looks like an actual set of six-pack abs, making them the newest item that looks like six-pack abs but will ironically prevent you from obtaining your own six-pack abs. It joins such products as the six-pack of beer, six-pack of soda and six-pack of butter.

From the top, they may look like individual abs, but each pair is joined at the beef so they’re actually more like Siamese twins that you have to rip apart. Once you rip them apart and look under the bun, you will channel the ghost of Clara Peller and ask out loud, “Where’s the Beef?” The burgers are round and noticeably smaller than the squarish buns they’re in, which were roughly the size of a standard dinner roll.

If you’ve had a Burger King hamburger, then you probably have an idea of what a BK Burger Shot tastes like, although I have to say that they didn’t taste as flame-broiled as their Whopper. It’s good, but there’s nothing truly special about them because they’re just smaller versions of their regular hamburger.

I think it would be so much better if Burger King pushed out of their flame-broiled womb either a six-pack of mini Whoppers or something like a White Castle slider.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 pack – 660 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13.5 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 54 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Burger Shots
Price: $5.49 (retails for $4.09 in most other places)
Size: 6-pack
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Good. Comes in a two- or six-pack. Now stoners can have a Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle-like adventure. Pickles in burgers.
Cons: Nothing special since they taste like a regular BK hamburger. Seemed to taste less flame-broiled than a Whopper. Burger patties looked noticeably smaller than the buns they’re in. Will not help you obtain six-pack abs despite looking like six-pack abs. Copying White Castle and Krystal.

With the name Angry Whopper, you would expect this burger to be one spicy mofo that burns worse than the penis of a 1980’s rocker who’s conquered way too many groupies. However, despite containing jalapeno slices, pepper jack cheese, spicy onion rings, and a spicy Angry Sauce, the Angry Whopper produced just a whimper.

The only anger I get from the Angry Whopper is the anger I feel for it not being spicy enough. The red Angry Sauce was more peppery than spicy, the onion rings tasted normal, and the pepper jack cheese produced jack shit in terms of spiciness. The pickled jalapeno was the only ingredient that produced any spicy heat.

On an angry scale of one to ten, with ten being Naomi Campbell beating your ass with a cell phone for not ensuring her Starbucks order was at her desired temperature of 63 degrees Celcius and one being an even-toned “I’m disappointed in you” from your laid back parents who don’t really believe in discipline, the Angry Whopper was a three, or a quick Three Stooges-esque slap to the head.

The Angry Whopper may not be able to burn Satan’s mouth or my own, but it’s damn tasty. The two ingredients that made me kind of forget about this burger’s lack of heat was the tangy Angry Sauce and the smokey bacon, both of which turned this burger into one delicious mamma jamma.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1670 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 37 grams of protein, and minutes of regret.)

Item: Angry Whopper
Price: $5.29
Size: 321 grams
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Angry Sauce was really good. Bacon. Best name for a Whopper spinoff EVER. Groupies.
Cons: Not very angry (spicy). Pricey. An insane amount of sodium. Getting beat down by a skinny supermodel with anger management problems. Parents who don’t believe in discipline. A burning penis.

Moderator: Good evening. I’m someone from PBS that you’ve never heard of and welcome to some dude’s living room for the first and only fast food debate between The King from Burger King and Marvo from the blog The Impulsive Buy. Tonight’s discussion will cover one topic, the new Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger. Let’s begin. This first questions goes to you, King. What is the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger and why is it so important?

The King: (Pulls out mushroom in one hand and swiss cheese in the other hand, smashes them together, and then rubs stomach.)

Moderator: Your response, Marvo.

Marvo: I agree with The King that mushrooms and swiss cheese are a classic combination and I was excited to see it come with this new burger. But it’s not just those two, it also contains crispy onions, A1 Steak Sauce on an Angus beef patty. This burger is important because the Whopper teat is dry and there aren’t anymore new variations to come up with. So Burger King needs a new burger to milk and the Steakhouse burgers are the tit they’re going to suck on.

Moderator: This next questions is for you, Marvo. Do you support the use of the extra wide oval-shaped Angus beef patty in this burger, instead of the usual round patties, like in the Whopper?

Marvo: That’s a great question, unnamed moderator from PBS. I’m an American and I enjoy stuffing meat into my mouth. I may have a little trouble sticking its whole girth in my mouth, but you know what they say, the bigger the meat, the better. The Angus patty is pretty big and if you take off the top bun of this burger, it looks like an aircraft carrier of crispy onions and mushrooms.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Nods, points to Marvo, and then gives a thumbs up.)

Moderator: The next question goes to you, King. (The King is not at his podium) Um…Where did he go?

(The King sneaks up on the moderator, offering him a Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger.)

Moderator: No thanks. Now if you would head back to your podium so that we can continue with this debate, you sneaky, freaky mo’fo. Now back to the question. Consumer groups have complained that some of Burger King’s menu items are extremely unhealthy, like the Triple Whopper, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and the BK Quad Stacker, and it seems the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger can also be added to the list. What are your thoughts about what these consumer groups have to say?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Marvo: Can I add something to what The King said?

Moderator: Go ahead.

Marvo: Thanks. I’ve tried a number of Burger King’s worst items and I believe that my life might’ve been shortened a little because of it, but I believe that regulation is what needs to be in place. It’s all right to eat these things once in awhile, but we have to regulate and moderate how often we eat a burger that has over 20 grams of saturated fat and 2,000 milligrams of sodium. I do like eating fast food, but I know I can’t eat it all the time because I enjoy being able to look down and see my penis.

Moderator: This question is for you, King. What do you think of the Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger?

The King: (Rubs stomach and then gives a double thumbs up.)

Moderator: Do you have a response, Marvo?

Marvo: I have to disagree with The King. The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger looks really good on paper, but I was really disappointed with it. There were a lot of those crispy onions on it, but I wished there was just as many mushroom on it as well, because every bite that I took with a mushroom, along with all the other ingredients, was really good. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot of mushrooms on the burger. I counted four small mushrooms on mine. Thankfully, the A1 Steak Sauce saved it from being a really lame burger, but again, the mushrooms would’ve totally made this burger, if there was significantly more of them.

Moderator: Would you like to respond, King?

The King: (Gives a double middle finger salute, then the universal sign for jacking off, and then brushes off both shoulders.)

Moderator: Well then, now we will move on to your closing statements. We will begin with you, Marvo.

Marvo: The Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger could’ve been a great burger. The patty was a nice size and the A1 Steak Sauce was nice, but the lack of mushrooms was a totally downer. If you’re going to call it a mushroom & swiss burger, it better have a shitload of mushrooms. Thank you.

Moderator: Now your closing statements, King.

The King: (Moons audience. Tattoo of Wendy from Wendy’s shown on left butt cheek. Then storms off stage.)

Moderator: Well then, this concludes this debate. I’d like to thank The King and Marvo for participating. Good night.

Item: Burger King Mushroom & Swiss Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.50
Size: Wide
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Big wide burger. Had the potential to be a really good burger. A1 Steak Sauce is a good condiment to add. Being able to see my penis.
Cons: Lack of mushrooms. Lack of any tomatoes or lettuce. Crispy onions added a crunchy texture, but not much to its taste. Don’t currently have nutrition info, but it’s probably bad for you. The King’s ability to sneak up on people. The King not being able to speak. The dry Whopper teat.