Tag: Burger King

I am human.

I have faults, like sometimes not using a plate to eat toast, not wearing underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry, or always using the handicap restroom stall, even if all the other stalls are empty.

I have idiosyncrasies, like making smiley faces with my fingers on the fogged up doors in the frozen food section of the grocery store and putting stuffed animals in provocative positions whenever I’m in a toy store.

I also have fears.

Believe me, I have many fears. For example, spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

However, perhaps my biggest fear right now is waking up with The King.

Not Elvis or B.B. King. I’m talking about this guy on the right.

Can you imagine waking up next to The King with that big smile on his face?

If I were to wake up with The King, the first thing that would pop up in my mind is, “Am I The Queen?” Then the next thing I would wonder is, “Why is The King smiling at me?”

Now when a guy wakes up next to a woman and she has a big smile on her face, that probably means she got some sweet, sweet lovin’. Of course, I’m assuming this because that’s never happened to me. If I were to wake up next to The King with a big smile on his face, all I would hope is that it wasn’t because of sweet, sweet lovin’.

So I am afraid of The King and I feel the only way to prevent me from waking up with The King is to eat breakfast at Burger King. It’s much like how I’ll try products to please the Advertising Gods, so that a product’s irritating commercial will go away.

(Note to self: Remember to pick up Ice Breakers Ice Cubes to help get rid of the Duff sisters Whoa! commercial.)

So recently I tried the new Burger King French Toast Sandwich, which consists of two slices of cinnamon and maple-flavored French Toast bread (which look like hash browns), one folded omelet egg, melted American cheese, and either bacon, ham, or sausage.

The concept is very similar to the popular McGriddles breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s, which uses pancakes instead of French toast. I decided to try the sausage one, since that is the one thing I am not hoping for if I wake up next to The King.

The first thing I noticed about the Burger King French Toast Sandwich was how small it was. It was about four inches in diameter. However, the same can be said about the McGriddles.

The French toast bun wasn’t fluffy like normal French toast, instead it seemed like they were deep fried. Heck, the eggs were fluffier than the French toast bun. As for the taste, I liked it very much. There was a nice combination of sweet and salty with every bite. Unfortunately, because of its size, there weren’t many bites.

So now that I’ve had my Burger King breakfast I hope I won’t be waking up with The King with that big smile on his face. If I do, I really hope he’s smiling because he either put a Sharpie pen mustache on my face or put my hand in warm water while I was asleep.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Sasha_Kitty for letting me know about the BK French Toast Sandwich.)

---

Item: Burger King French Toast Sandwich
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice sweet and salty combination. Having a choice between sausage, ham, and bacon. Smiley faces on frozen food section doors.
Cons: Small in size. Waking up next to The King. Spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with overly huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

Sometimes there are ideas that when I first hear about them, I say to myself, “That’s a really good idea.”

But then when I’m sober and I actually see the product, I take back what I said and replace it with something like, “Dammit! I can’t believe I’m wearing men’s capri pants! Damn you, vodka! Damn you!”

Well, it happened to me again with these new Burger King Chicken Fries, which are thin strips of all-white meat chicken breast coated with a seasoned batter.

Damn you, vodka! Damn you!

When I read about them a few months ago, I thought that it was a really great idea, because I imagined that Burger King would take the same sleeves they use for their regular french fries and just fill them with chicken fries instead.

Unfortunately, just like all my imaginations that involve me being a ceiling mirror at the Playboy Mansion, what I imagined the chicken fries were, didn’t come out the way I had hoped.

Instead of a heaping of chicken fries, I had the option of having either a six-piece snack pack or a nine-piece “value” meal, which I decided to purchase. Although, after seeing what the chicken fries looked like, I’d suggest you avoid the “value” meal, because it wasn’t much of a value.

Each chicken fry was a little thicker than BK’s regular french fries, roughly three inches long, and depending where your mind is at, they look like either skinny fried mozzarella sticks or fried tampons.

The BK Chicken Fries comes with a buffalo sauce, which I thought wasn’t bad and tasted better than the buffalo sauce I got with the McDonald’s Chicken Selects I reviewed last year. You can also replace the buffalo sauce with either a barbeque, honey mustard, sweet and sour, or ranch sauce.

Probably the most impressive part of the BK Chicken Fries was the container they came in. Just like the Transformers, this container had more than meets the eye. It had a lid that folds back and creates a place to hold the container of buffalo sauce, as you can see in the picture above.

The container was also designed to fit into your car’s cup holder, so that you can eat while driving, talking on the phone, and yelling stuff at your rowdy kids, like “Be quiet!” or “You were all mistakes!”

I would’ve tried eating them in my car, but I was afraid of getting buffalo sauce on my new red and black leopard print car seat covers.

Grrrowl!

Overall, I wasn’t very impressed with the BK Chicken Fries. With them being so skinny, receiving only six or nine pieces made them seem overpriced. Plus, with so little chicken in each fry, it seemed like each fry only contained the seasoned batter.

However, I really did like the ingenuity of the container they came in and I now believe that chickens have another fate to look forward to that isn’t as embarrassing as becoming chicken nuggets.

Item: Burger King Chicken Fries
Purchase Price: $4.59 (9-piece value meal)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Buffalo sauce was decent. Nifty container made for those who like to eat on the go. Better fate for chickens than becoming chicken nuggets. Vodka.
Cons: Value meal wasn’t much of a value. Only six or nine pieces. Not much chicken in each fry. Looked like a fried tampon. Men wearing capri pants. Vodka.

How many of you remember the McDLT?

For those of you who weren’t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonald’s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.

This special container kept the “hot side hot” and the “cool side cool,” which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The “hot” thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the “cool” boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.

I don’t know why McDonald’s got rid of McDLT.

Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.

Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the “hot side hot, cool side cool” bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.

Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, “The Pouch,” which is the most unoriginal name since “The Big Bulge,” which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.

The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from “The Pouch” on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.

When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.

After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.

Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isn’t very good. I’ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didn’t have much taste.

The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.

Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.

Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the salad’s.

Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasn’t very good.

---

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasn’t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name “The Pouch.” The name “The Big Bulge.”

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.

Ever since I heard about the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I’ve been bitter about not having the opportunity to try one, since there aren’t any Hardee’s here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. That bitterness slightly faded, after I read a story about the new Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Okay, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich still pales in comparison with the Monster Thickburger and its 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium. However, the Enormous Omelet Sandwich’s 730 calories, 47 grams of fat, 415 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,860 milligrams of sodium would make any nutritionist or cardiologist cringe, like I do when I see a guy get kicked in the balls and whenever I see someone do Macarena.

So yesterday morning, I got up early and headed out the door to the Burger King down the street.

As I walked to the Burger King, a mini version of me suddenly appeared on my left shoulder, wearing a white suit and wings. “Holy crap!” he said to me. “What are you doing? I can’t believe you’re gonna buy that. It’s so unhealthy. It could be the last thing you eat in this world.”

“But if it’s the last thing he eats, that would make one hell of a review,” said the mini version of me that suddenly appeared on my right shoulder, wearing a black suit with horns on his head.

“How can he write a review when he’s dead, moron!?!” the mini me in the white suit said.

“Oh, come on, you wuss,” the mini me in the black suit snorted. “It’s got almost the same amount of calories and fat as a Burger King Whopper. He’s eaten lots of Whoppers and he’s still here.”

“But it also has FOUR times the cholesterol and almost twice the sodium of a Whopper. He doesn’t need that much salt, he’s not a frickin’ horse,” the white suited mini me replied.

While those two argued, I walked into the Burger King and ordered an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

“NOOOOOOO!!!!” the pure and innocent mini me screamed. The dark and evil mini me just laughed.

The person behind the counter asked if I wanted anything else. The dark mini me screamed, “HASH BROWNS!!!” and then disappeared. The innocent mini me yelled, “DEFIBRILLATOR!!!” and then also disappeared.

I said to the cashier, “No, that’s all.”

On my way back, I felt guilty about buying the sandwich, so I stopped by the convenience store that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors, to pick up a bottle of apple juice, which I picked up because the antioxidants in the juice can help prevent damage from fatty foods and because it looks like beer.

The Enormous Omelet Sandwich consists of a toasted roll with two slices of American cheese, two layers of fluffy eggs, three strips of bacon, and a sausage patty. It looked like Burger King just joined two regular breakfast sandwiches together to form the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. In other words, it didn’t look very spectacular.

As I took the first bite, I heard a faint, “Nooooooo,” which might have been either my white suited mini me or my heart. I stopped for a second, shrugged my shoulders, and dug into the sandwich.

The sandwich was good, but there wasn’t anything special about it. It tasted like any other breakfast sandwich with eggs and sausage. The bacon was almost nonexistent, because I could hardly taste it. The only thing the Enormous Omelet Sandwich really has going for itself is the fact that it’s probably the biggest breakfast sandwich available.

My recommendation is, if you like angioplasty, eat an Enormous Omelet Sandwich every other day. If you don’t like angioplasty, I’d recommend eating it just once, just so you can say you survived an Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

Item: Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich
Purchase Price: $3.29 (sandwich only)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good, but nothing really special about it. Possibly the biggest breakfast sandwich available.
Cons: Very high cholesterol and sodium. High fat and calories. Your conscience may bother you. It’s no Monster Thickburger.