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REVIEW: Brach’s Dessert Hearts Conversation Hearts

January 26, 2017August 25, 2023 Mark 4 Comments

Brach’s Dessert Hearts Conversation Hearts fill a niche we don’t need -— gourmet flavored chalk. (Actually, I know they’re not chalk, because I minored in geology, and coccoliths are not on the ingredient list.)

Many people hate conversation hearts. I don’t fall into the hating camp, but I do recognize that they’re far from great candy. They’re really all about Valentine’s Day tradition and nostalgia.

The yellow (“SMOOCHES,” or rather “SMOO-CHES”) is bananas foster. It has a banana note, but some other kind of flavor that I think makes it worse than plain banana would be. Bananas foster sounds like too fancy a dessert for someone who cares about conversation hearts, so they could probably make it any flavor and no one would know. If I’ve had bananas foster, I don’t remember what it tastes like.

The purplish one (“YOWZA”) is raspberry sorbet. It does taste like (fake) raspberry, but it also has a medicinal flavor to it, like cough syrup.

White (“FOR YOU”) is vanilla ice cream. I do taste a vanilla bean flavor, but it’s kind of bitter; I like real ice cream better. Vanilla is literally the simplest flavor there is. I wouldn’t say they blew it, but it could have been better.

The blue (“WINK WINK”) is blueberry pie. It also has a (fake) blueberry flavor, and some other notes that I guess could be a pie crust? This might be the most authentic one (which isn’t saying much).

Then we get to the most annoying thing about these. There are two pinks, and they are very similar in color. It’s hard to tell them apart, especially if you’re not comparing them side by side. And the worst part is that one is the best flavor and one is the worst, so you can’t easily pick your favorites out.

The light pink (“MISS YOU”) is strawberry shortcake. It has the most desserty flavor, with a bit of strawberry and almost a buttery flavor. This one is my favorite.

The dark pink (“DREAM”) is cherry cobbler. This is the least flavorful and most medicinal one. It reminds me of those chalky Shamu vitamins I had in kindergarten.

The primary purpose of conversation hearts is to look cute. It has never been about the flavor, so these will work just fine for most purposes, I guess. But I think you’ll be safer with more traditional flavors.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 pieces – 60 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.49
Size: 14 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Strawberry shortcake is a decent flavor. Valentine’s Day tradition. Cuteness. A for effort. Not really chalk.
Cons: Two similar pinks. Too similar pinks. Some words are hard to read. Ugly hyphens. Raspberry sorbet tastes like cough syrup. Cherry cobbler tastes like Shamu vitamins. Shamu vitamins.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Watermelon and Cherry Haribo Gold-Bears

January 20, 2017August 25, 2023 Margaret 5 Comments

What is it about Haribo gummies?

They’re always especially fruity. It’s as if a Fruit Roll-Up got bitten by a mutant Gusher, morphed into a carnivorous mammal, and had its DNA enhanced with fruity powers that allow it to shoot delicious, sugar-laden laser beams from its squishy eyes.

So mark me excited when I saw that there were not one, but THREE new flavors out: Cherry, Green Apple, and Watermelon, all in a race to be the next Haribo Bear.

Now, before we get into tasting, I would regret not mentioning how difficult these gummies seem to be to find. The Green Apple? Seems to not even exist within a 30-mile radius from Los Angeles, proving itself more obscure and elusive than a 1979 Boba Fett action figure. If you find them, stock up and watch as you make yourself a mini fortune on eBay. (Yes, I will be your customer.)

In good fortune, I finally tracked down the Watermelon and Cherry at the checkout aisle of a fringe Walgreens. Let’s see how they stack up.

Right out of the package, the beary gems have a perfect stretchy, squishy bounce. For a second there, I wasn’t sure if I should eat them or pile them together and make a mattress to sleep on.

(You should eat them. Just FYI.)

Behold! The Watermelon bear!

This guy tumbles from the pack, pinker than a flamingo wearing a cotton candy muumuu in the Barbie aisle. A little sour, a little tart, a little flowery, and a little I-don’t-knowy, the taste of this bear must be what happens when a Watermelon Jolly Rancher gets squishified with a Strawberry Starburst.

It’s got a bit of sourness without veering into the “Warhead” zone and has a lightness, sweetness, and unseasonal summery joy that’s welcome in this January chill. Good show, Watermelon bear!

Now, to our next contender: Cherry.

Witness the Cherry. He is a simple fruity ursine. Squidgy and soft like his Watermelon brethren, he comes in a humble shade of mahogany that would make Franken Berry blush. The taste is reminiscent of what might happen if a bottle of grandma’s cranberry juice got sneezed on by a box of Cherry Jell-O: extremely tart, a little bitter, a smidge cough-syrupy, and barely sweet.

I had been hoping for a brighter, more sugary riff closer to a Sonic Cherry Limeade or a Cherry Jolly Rancher, so this version hinges toward being too tart for my tastes. I’d also like to pretend I have a more sophisticated palate than someone who adores sugary, maraschino-laden flavors, but who am I kidding? I’m more likely to have a flying magical moose drop a diamond-encrusted Dyson vacuum on my head.

So, at the end of the day, while the Cherry did fine, I’m giving my vote to Watermelon. It’s a bright, summery flavor, doesn’t taste like cough syrup, and will go smashingly with the lemon, raspberry, orange, strawberry, pineapple, and, lime they’ve already got rolling in the line.

But I also have an astronomically high tolerance for sugar. At $1 per package, I say give them a go and see what you think. You may love them. You may throw them against the wall. You may have profound revelations equivalent to kissing the philosophy of Albert Camus in the candy aisle. Who knows? Go forth! Find out! The great unknown awaits!

(Nutrition Facts – 17 pieces – 140 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1 each (on sale)
Size: 4 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Watermelon)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Cherry)
Pros: Squishy enough to make a mattress with. Cherry could make Franken Berry blush. Watermelon is sweet enough to provide summer in the middle of January. Fruitiness is equivalent to a Fruit Roll-Up bitten by a mutant Gusher.
Cons: Cherry tastes like Cherry Jell-O and grandma’s cranberry juice. Being unable to find Green Apple. Realizing that I have the palate of a 3-year-old. Having a flying magical moose drop a diamond-encrusted Dyson vacuum on your head.

REVIEW: Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar

January 19, 2017August 25, 2023 Vin

Oreo has become the Lego of food.

Years ago Lego was just Lego, but at some point they decided to dip their blocks in everyone else’s product pool. You can get a Lego set of any entertainment brand you want these days. I just Amazon one-clicked a Lego set of The Max from Saved by the Bell.

I’m a liar of course, but maybe The Impulsive Buy’s clout can get that set made. Let’s make this happen, people!

Anyway, Oreo seems to be following Lego’s model on the culinary scene. A new Oreo flavor seems to drop every month and they’re collaborating with other food brands. Oreo has become the Lego of food! Of course to the dimwitted adventurous child, Lego is the Lego of food.

The most recent Oreo collaboration I stumbled upon was the Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar.

I wasn’t too familiar with Milka chocolate before they decided to bunk up with Nabisco. I’d seen it many times, but never actually bought it, and ya know what? I’m dumb. It’s pretty great.

The label boasts that Milka is Swiss-made with Alpine Milk, which lends to its overall creaminess. Is that the secret? Alpine Milk? Can I buy Alpine Milk in pints, because I think I love it?

Let’s be real here for a second, European chocolate destroys our American brand chocolate. Sure I like Hershey’s or Russell Stover, but Euro chocolate is just more decadent. It’s creamier. It just flat out tastes better, and Milka certainly holds up to that billing in my opinion.

The chocolate here is everything I just said it was. It had a perfect texture, a sweet flavor that wasn’t overbearing, and it melted in my mouth.

I really enjoyed the Oreo cookie crunch as well. It’s not as prominent as say a Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme bar, but that’s a good thing. This candy bar has the perfect amount of crunch. Each square gives you two or three small crunches.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I KNEW the cream was Oreo. Well, I knew because the label told me. But without it, I would think this was Milka’s take on a cookies and cream bar. That being said, I still think it’s awesome to look at. Seeing a layer of Oreo cream dotted with bits of cookies inside of a candy bar is a marvel to behold. A marvel I say!

Real quick – Is it Oreo cream or Oreo crème? I can’t keep up with products that have “crème” vs. those with “cream.” Is there a difference? “Crème” is just a fancy way of spelling “cream,” right? This being a European, and thus fancy candy bar, I feel like I should say “crème,” but I never know. The battle of “cream” versus “crème” rages on. Hell, one snack cake I picked up even claimed it was filled with “Kareem!” I put that one back on the shelf.

So as far as this collaboration goes, Milka is the deserved star. Oreo plays the supporting role nicely though despite the cream being a bit indeterminable.

Great balance. Great freshness. Great texture. For $1.50, you can’t go wrong. Milka has a new fan. This might be my new favorite “cookies and cream” candy bar.

Hopefully the Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar becomes a gateway snack, and they start making chocolate bars with the other various crazy Oreo cream/crème flavors.

But hold the Swedish Fish.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 pieces – 220 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.50
Size: 3.52 oz. bar
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious, creamy chocolate. Just the right amount of crunch. Great balance between ingredients. A brand marriage made in Heaven. Alpine Milk!
Cons: Not necessarily Oreo Cream flavor. Never knowing whether to write “Crème” or “Cream.” Kids who eat Legos. The inevitable Oreo Movie.

REVIEW: M&M’s White Cheesecake

January 12, 2017January 7, 2021 Heather 10 Comments

I’m not in the business of wasting anyone’s time. Therefore, I’m literally going to tell you right away my favorite thing about the new White Cheesecake flavor of M&M’s: The size.

These puppies are not your average M&M. I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the bag and found they were about two times the size of the regular chocolate candy. Much more substantial, and in my opinion, a better way to portion control. (If you can keep your hand out of the M&M bowl without mindless munching, please call me because you’re going to need to teach me your ways.) It’s like you’re getting more bang for your buck.

Moving on to flavor: When I took my first bite, there was no evidence of cheesecake at all. What I got was a nice flavor of white chocolate. Now here’s the thing…I LOVE white chocolate. It’s underrated. So I enjoyed the taste and thus gave a 7 rating. But if you came for the cheesecake, I can see why you’d be disappointed. I kept eating them and eating them and eating them to see if the cheesecake came through after a while, but to no avail.

What you get is a nice white chocolate that’s just the perfect amount of sweetness. I probably could have polished off most of the bag in one sitting without feeling sickeningly sweet. (Side note: I’m thinking an interesting experiment would be to freeze these babies since cheesecake is typically refrigerated, I wonder if the coolness would bring out the taste? If anyone tries this, let me know.)

Back on track: These are definitely Valentine’s Day M&M’s, as evidenced by the hearts on the bag and the color of the candy. You’ll find light pink, white, and something I can only describe as skin tone. Or it’s probably supposed to be cheesecake-colored. Your preference! The other thing to note that I consider a positive was that the M&M coating was nice and thick.

All in all, these were a win in my book because I liked the “white chocolate” spin on M&M’s. If you’re cool with eating a flesh-colored candy, enjoy my friends.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz, or about 1/4 cup – 210 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 88 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 8 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Amazingly large M&M sizing. A nice change of pace from your typical chocolate candy. All the white chocolate.
Cons: Flesh-colored M&M’s. Lack of actual cheesecake flavor.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Cupcake Kisses

January 10, 2017January 7, 2021 Sean 2 Comments

In my mind, and in my heart, cake and Kisses fall in essentially the same category. Short, sweet, and simple reminders that life is worth living, and ideally consumed/received on a daily basis. It is under this umbrella of logic that I read the news of Hershey’s Cupcake Kisses and proceeded to die with anticipation.

For this Target-exclusive Valentine’s Day candy Hershey’s put a spin on their popular Cookies ‘n’ Creme flavor (also available as Kisses) and made a “white cookie cupcake” kiss with colored cookies and cupcake flavor. Opening the playful pink bag is like dunking your face into a Funfetti frosting wonderland, It is exactly what I wanted these Kisses to smell like.

The initial bite is very sweet and smacks you in the face with vanilla frosting splendor. At first these Kisses taste exactly like hardened bits of Funfetti vanilla frosting with the cookie pieces in place of the festive sprinkles, and the white chocolate is the jarred faux-buttercream. Unfortunately there is a strange astringent aftertaste that dominates and leaves my mouth tasting unpleasant and artificial, almost like a cake made with too much baking soda.

I thought it might be coming from the colored cookie pieces, which unlike in the cookies and cream version have no chocolate or specific flavor to them. I was able to isolate some of the cookies in my mouth and they tasted fine, like a slightly tame shortbread. After repeatedly trying more Kisses to shake the bitter essence, it kept coming and put a damper on the overall experience, but for some reason I kept wanting to eat them.

There is a lore that pink or red frosting has a bitter strong flavor when compared to other dyes, likely due to the use of iodine, Red #3, or Red #40. Although not specifically listed in the ingredients, there could be an element of frosting-emulation at play here that is causing the strange aftertaste.

Whether that translates to a true cupcake experience or a failed element of execution is up to you, but it’s certainly there, and for me, ultimately distracting. Strange frosting flavors have never kept me from crushing cake in the past, and while these Kisses miss the mark of being perfect, I will still eat at least three servings of them (27 Kisses).

(Nutrition Facts – 9 pieces – 200 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 10 oz. package
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Funfetti frosting wonderland. Still oddly delicious. Foil covered in hearts. So many shades of pink.
Cons: Weird bitter aftertaste. Cake doesn’t have a crunch.

Tag: Candy

REVIEW: Brach’s Dessert Hearts Conversation Hearts

REVIEW: Limited Edition Watermelon and Cherry Haribo Gold-Bears

REVIEW: Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar

REVIEW: M&M’s White Cheesecake

REVIEW: Hershey’s Cupcake Kisses

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