REVIEW: Hershey’s Rally Bar (2013)

Rally Bar

Having witnessed multiple variations of time travel in movies, I’ve learned that some methods of journeying into the past are more dangerous than others. For example:

  • I might get sucked in a black hole (Star Trek)
  • I might have to become a hyper-intelligent wizard in a near-death situation (Harry Potter)
  • I might have to drive 88 miles per hour on a suburban street (Back to the Future), which would encourage speeding tickets from my local law enforcement

Because I know that Hollywood is fact-checking all its sources, one can only conclude that time travel can be painful, high-maintenance, and/or involve unnecessary trips to traffic court. Nonetheless, I often dream of going back and snagging a taste of some of those rare products that disappeared before my time. Thankfully, Hershey’s is sparing me the toil of arranging time travel transportation by resurrecting their Rally Bar from its 1970s grave and stashing it at Walgreens all over the land.

Taking inspiration from its longstanding confectionary kin, the Rally bar compresses the caramel-peanut combo of a Pay Day with the lumpy, bumpy look of a Baby Ruth, resulting in a chocolate covered, peanut-coated caramel log that may or may not be a geographically correct interpretation of the Austrian Mountains.

Rally Bar The hills are alive! With the sound of music!

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Diving right in, the chocolate is quick to melt, sweet, and fudgy. This is trademark Hershey’s chocolate: the kind that gets gooey on s’mores and calls forth multiple washes of your jeans after it melts in your pocket in 80-degree weather. Its palm-oil-y layer is sugary with a hint of cocoa to remind you it’s chocolate. On its own, the coating hangs off the cliff of getting too sweet. Thankfully, the peanuts and caramel nougat are there to back it up.

The structural support beam of the bar comes in the form of the nougat, which has a bit of an identity crisis. Is it caramel? Is it vanilla? At times it’s both, and I’m okay with that because it’s surrounded by a stringy, Twix-like caramel. This spin on the sticky sweet stuff gives its taste headline to the dextrose while a buttery-nut chaser comes in at the end, and anything with a chaser makes things better.

Rally Bar Gooey innards

The peanuts are outright impressive. These aren’t those puny little nubbins you might get on your discount $49 plane ride you booked on that questionable discount travel site. These are huge, fresh specimens, lightly toasted without a trace of bitterness. Mr. Peanut would approve.

Room temperature, the Rally is pleasant, but, when given a 3-7 second nuke in the microwave, every element heightens to a new form. The caramel gets goopier, the chocolate more fudgy, and the peanuts ride this chocolate slip-and-slide with ease, and all because of seven seconds in my radiation-grade mini-oven. While attempting to maneuver this goopy, malleable mass of chocolate from the 600-watt microwave into my mouth, all I could think was, “Man, this would be great in my morning oatmeal.” And it was. It was also quite good topped with potato chips. No matter how you eat it, eat it while it’s hot.*

*The unofficial title of my debut rap album.

This Rally resurrection reinforces the hypothesis that, when one combines chocolate, caramel, and peanuts in the right ratios, Goodness results. The bar itself is nothing groundbreaking, but just because it isn’t unique doesn’t make it un-delicious. It’s got a funky shape, a sugary coating, and peanuts that tide me over till the next meal/mini meal/snack/pre-dinner chomp/midnight craving strikes, so welcome back, Rally. It’s good to have you.

(Nutrition Facts – 230 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein..)

Item: Hershey’s Rally Bar
Purchased Price: 97 cents
Size: 1.66 oz
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fudgy. Stringy, sweet caramel. Fresh, chunky peanuts. Similar to a chocolate covered Pay Day. Even better when microwaved. Slip-and-slides made of fudge. Underdogs. Time Travel.
Cons: Chocolate flavor stunted by palm oil. Caramel may be too dextrose-forward for some. Only available at Walgreens. Washing chocolate out of your jeans. Getting sucked in a black hole. Speeding tickets.

QUICK REVIEW: Lindt Hello My Name is Cookies & Cream Bar

Lindt Hello My Name is Cookies & Cream

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 3.5 oz.
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: It did make my tummy yummy. Smooth and sweet milk chocolate. Almost makes me forget about my beloved, but discontinued Cookies & Cream Twix. Big bar. Stuffed with cookies and cream filling. Small cookie bits give the bar light, but satisfying crunch. Uses “cream” instead of “creme” in its name.
Cons: Fifty percent of your daily recommended saturated fat in one serving (4 pieces). So good that it makes me want to eat more than one serving in one sitting. Sweet cream filling might make the bar cloying for some. Cookie bits aren’t really noticeable in terms of flavor; they get lost in the milk chocolate.

Lindt Hello My Name is Cookies & Cream Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 4 pieces – 220 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Pumpkin Spice M&M’s

M&M's Pumpkin Spice

I originally planned to take a picture of the new Pumpkin Spice M&M’s in a seasonal and traditional setting laced with a backdrop of Indian corn, scarecrows, and autumnal delicacies. Heck, I would have even settled for an NFL tailgate. But since these new chocolate candies started hitting stores before kids went back to school and because my garden is filled with nothing but basil, feel free to use your imagination when looking at the photos throughout this review.

Not that I’m complaining about the arrival of anything pumpkin related. I was the guy who hoarded Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles last year. But pumpkin means fall is here (or around the corner) which means exchanging humid summer days for watching football during breezy fall afternoons.

I’m sure the usual pumpkin spice-flavored suspects will be out in force again this year — Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Pumpkin Pie, and my personal favorite, Edy’s Pumpkin Ice Cream – but joining the pumpkin patch for the first time are these lovable M&M’s. Lovable because seriously, how can you not love a talking chocolate candy guy with a pumpkin on his head?

M&M's Pumpkin Spice Comparison

Pumpkin Spice M&M’s are bigger than your standard M&M’s (shown here in white) but not quite as oblong or imposing as Peanut of Almond M&M’s. I’m guessing the shell color choices of orange, green, and brown were meant to correspond to a pumpkin’s color. Beyond each colored shell is a sweet milk chocolate.

M&M's Pumpkin Spice Super Closeup

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Whoa there, why not white chocolate? That buttery, frosting-like taste was such a winning flavor with the Carrot Cake M&M’s, and would go pa-pa-perfectly with the pumpkin spice!” Well all I can say is hey, I feel you. While I don’t think anyone but the Nazis have opposed classic Milk Chocolate M&M’s, the simple truth is that they’re kind of plain on their own.

And Pumpkin Spice M&M’s aren’t much different. As I crunched down on a single candy, all I initially tasted was chocolate. True, it’s better than tasting raw pumpkin, but I was expected something a little more scrumptious. Then, almost as an aftertaste, a hint of cinnamon emerged. Here’s the thing though; it’s not that traditional vanilla and cinnamon warmth that one usually associates with pumpkin. Instead, it’s kind of a wimpy version of Cinnamon Red Hots. Cool and vaguely spicy, it’s more of a sensation than a flavor, and it’s not something that goes with the milk chocolate flavor. To use a gardening analogy, it’s like a pumpkin in a field of basil.

M&M's Pumpkin Spice Closeup

I may lack the discernible taste receptors to differentiate on the minute differences between cinnamon, cloves, ginger, allspice, and whatever else might go into the ubiquitous “pumpkin spice,” but having tasted the flavor in a variety of products, I’m pretty sure at least a few of those spices were left out of the party. While the taste of cinnamon resonates weakly in the aftertaste, the truth is you’ve got to eat these one at a time and slowly to really take advantage.

Yeah, like anyone actually does that with M&M’s.

If you’ve been one of the few people who’ve secretly got their candy fix by chugging both Milk Chocolate M&M’s and Cinnamon Red Hots, well, these Pumpkin Spice M&M’s are going to make you happy. Otherwise, you’ll just want to stick with your standard favorite M&M’s variety.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz. – 210 calories, 80 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Pumpkin Spice M&M’s
Purchased Price: $3.00
Size: 9.9 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Forcing autumn. Bigger than standard M&M’s. Tastes took much like regular M&Ms. Doesn’t melt in your hands. Using candy to help defeat the Nazis.
Cons: Weird cinnamon aftertaste doesn’t go with chocolate. Not really pumpkin spicy. No actual pumpkin involved, despite oddly noted gram of fiber. Bigger than standard M&M’s, which could mean eating about 75 grams of sugar without realizing it.

REVIEW: Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn

Brach's S'mores Candy Corn

Halloween is right around the corner…if you consider “right around the corner” synonymous with “weeks from now.”

I’ve never been one to come up with a crazy costume idea for Halloween, but this year is going to be different. Instead of donning my traditional “Who Farted?” shirt, my forty-nine friends and I had planned on wearing grayscale jumpsuits of varying intensities. (We were going to be Fifty Shades of Grey.) Then I realized I don’t have forty-nine friends, so I’ve decided to wear no costume at all. (Literally, no costume. I’m going as one of the models in the music video for Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines.)

I like to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters based on the creativity and originality of their costumes. Last year, I gave king-sized Dove chocolate bars to six middle schoolers dressed as the Village People. Every child that showed up as Psy from Gangnam Style went home with a handful of candy corn, raisins, and pennies.

I spent this morning browsing the aisles at my local Rite Aid in hopes of replenishing my supply of crappy candies. (Shopping seventy-nine days in advance provides ample time for them to become stale.) Next to the Smarties and Bit-O-Honey, I spotted a bag of Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn. Could the addition of s’mores flavoring bring forth a new era of acceptance for this polarizing candy? I had to know! I swiftly grabbed a bag and hurried back home to taste the goods.

As I opened the bag, I instantly noticed the pungent aroma of candy corn wafting through the air. Unlike the traditional variety, the scent of these s’mores flavored candy corn is tinged with the fragrance of chocolate.

Brach's S'mores Candy Corn Closeup

Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn comes in the standard shape and size of traditional candy corn. Each candy kernel features three colors: a brown base, a white center, and an orange tip. I assume the brown represents the chocolate flavor, the white represents the marshmallow, and the orange represents…the graham cracker? C’mon, Brach’s. I know that’s the original orange candy corn dye you’re using. Fess up.

Texturally, s’mores candy corn possesses the same waxy form and consistency as its traditional counterpart. When eaten whole, the candy features a sugary chocolate taste strongly reminiscent of chocolate cake frosting. However, chocolate is largely the only flavor experienced; any marshmallow and graham cracker flavors present in the candy corn are imperceptible to the tongue. Nevertheless, the chocolate quality is palatable and sugary sweet in all the right ways.

Hoping to better discern the fusion of flavors, I decided to experience the color components of the s’mores candy corn individually. As expected, the brown section tastes strongly of the aforementioned chocolate cake frosting. In comparison, the white section has a more subtle sweetness with a creamier quality, but its flavor profile lacks any resemblance to marshmallow. Sadly, the orange tip failed to impress with its dearth of flavor, tasting merely of generic sugar.

Unfortunately, Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn suffers from the same fatal flaw that plagues traditional candy corn: eating more than five pieces in a short period of time is disagreeable. Consuming excess amounts of s’mores candy corn leaves a strange scratchy sensation in the back of the throat. Therefore, it’s best not to binge eat this candy corn.

Despite its failure to provide a suitable imitation s’mores flavor, I found Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn to be a unique and satisfying take on traditional candy corn. In moderation, its sugary chocolate flavor was pleasing to the taste buds. Those who bitterly loathe candy corn might be somewhat disappointed in Brach’s product, but I highly recommend s’mores candy corn as a tasty deviation from the norm during the upcoming Halloween season.

Happy Halloween, weeks in advance.

(Nutrition Facts – 19 pieces – 140 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of total fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugars, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn
Purchased Price: $1.69
Size: 9 oz. bag
Purchased at: Rite Aid
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Palatable chocolate flavor. Same candy corn texture. Unique deviation from the norm. Halloween, seventy-nine days in advance.
Cons: Marshmallows and graham cracker flavors are imperceptible. Provide scratchy sensation in throat. Way too many kids dressed as Psy.

REVIEW: Milk Chocolate M&M’s Chocolate Bar

Milk Chocolate M&M's Chocolate Bar

The color blind life can be challenging. I can remember struggling with colors since a young age, receiving criticism from my teachers for coloring the grass orange and pumpkins green in my coloring book – even though that’s what I actually saw. My inability to properly identify many of the colors soon brought forth a dislike for multicolored objects. Even sitting through an episode of Reading Rainbow was excruciating because of all the different colors in the logo – and I love LeVar Burton!

With so much color-related difficulty in my life, you might think that I would hate such a colorful candy as M&M’s, but no. For some reason, I love the little rainbow candy-coated pieces of chocolate. Sure, I might not be able to correctly tell you which colors I’m eating, but they still taste amazing. Plus, their tiny size makes them so easy to eat! My record is 154 M&M’s in three minutes. (I’m like Takeru Kobayashi, but instead of shoving wieners in my mouth, I eat candy.)

I was pretty excited when I heard about Mars’ new M&M’s Chocolate Bar. So excited, in fact, that my inner Tommy Wise broke free, and I thought, “Oh hi, Mars. M&M’s inside my candy bar? You think about everything, ha ha ha.”

But wait – haven’t I seen this M&M’s Chocolate Bar somewhere before? Oh, that’s right. Back in 2004, Mars introduced the M-Azing chocolate bar, which was only available in peanut butter and crunchy flavors. I can vaguely recall tasting an M-Azing bar and disliking it. Let’s hope this M&M Chocolate Bar does better.

I found the M&M Chocolate Bar at my local Target in the candy bar section next to the check-out line. At a mere seventy-nine cents per bar, it seemed like a true bargain.

Milk Chocolate M&M's Chocolate Bar Closeup

After removing the chocolate bar’s wrapper, I instantly noticed the imprinted design of an anthropomorphic M&M man. I don’t usually find anthropomorphic creatures on my candy bars, so this was a pleasant surprise. The chocolate bar is divided into eight sections for easy distribution among eight friends. Or if you’re like me and don’t have any friends, you’ll have to distribute the eight pieces to the various homeless men who follow you home from work everyday.

The brightly colored mini M&M’s can be seen peeking through the chocolate, giving the bar a subtle rainbow appearance. When compared to more commonly purchased chocolate such as the Hershey Bar, the M&M’s Chocolate Bar’s smell is a bit more rich and powerful, but the scent is pleasant nonetheless.

After taking my first bite of the M&M Chocolate Bar, I was surprised that the M&M’s contributed significantly less crunch than I expected. Since the M&M’s are the mini variety, they don’t add much texture to the bar. In fact, I found it pretty difficult to distinguish the M&M’s from the normal chocolate part of the bar while chewing. Everything blends together into one chocolatey mass.

Milk Chocolate M&M's Chocolate Bar Innards

Unfortunately, the chocolate used in the bar isn’t the best. It’s super sweet, almost too rich, and the M&M’s give it a somewhat chalky texture. Furthermore, it left a funny aftertaste and a strange feeling in my throat after eating all eight pieces.

Perhaps if Mars had used a higher quality chocolate in their new M&M’s Chocolate Bar, I might be a bit more of a fan. Although it’s super inexpensive, there are other chocolate bars on the market I would prefer to purchase. The M&M’s found inside of the bar fail to enhance the already unsatisfying chocolate base. Maybe if the M&M’s Chocolate Bar magically cured colorblindness, I’d consider purchasing it again, but next time, I’ll be passing this one by in the supermarket.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of total fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Other Milk Chocolate M&M’s Chocolate Bar reviews:
Candy Blog

Item: Milk Chocolate M&M’s Chocolate Bar
Purchased Price: 79 cents
Size: 1.5 oz.
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Super cheap. Pleasant chocolatey scent. Awesome anthropomorphic M&M man imprint. References to Tommy Wiseau.
Cons: Low quality chocolate. M&M’s blend in with the rest of the bar. Funny aftertaste. Doesn’t cure color blindness.