Tag: Candy

Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez

Marvo 41 Comments

I want to go on record saying that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste is the most Fergalicious-tasting toothpaste EVER.

The Colgate Dora the Explorer Toothpaste has a good fruit flavor and the Kid’s Aquafresh and the Crest Wild Expressions have nice bubblegum flavors, but all of them pale in comparison to the flavor of the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste.

I swear it tasted like candy! If it were a candy, its tart green apple taste would be all right, but since it’s a toothpaste its taste rocks.

It felt like it was made up of nothing but sugar, because it was kind of grainy like some of the whitening toothpastes out there, but I don’t think the graininess did a good job of cleaning my teeth. There was also no foaming action with it, which was surprising.

Its great taste has made me want to brush my teeth more than once a day. If they made a floss that tasted like this, I would definitely be flossing more than the once a year I already do now. If they made a mouthwash that tasted this good, I would be drinking it down hardcore like I was a freshman at a fraternity party.

Although I will admit, it maybe a great tasting toothpaste, but it definitely is the worst cavity preventing toothpaste EVER. Actually, I don’t really think it did any cavity prevention at all. As a matter of fact, I think it did the opposite and I expect my teeth to fall out soon.

But now that I think about it, that would explain why the word “squeez” in its name is missing an “e” at the end of it. I believe the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste used itself to brush itself, which caused the “e” to either fall out or rot away.

Actually, now that I think about it even more, the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste might be helping me prevent cavities by giving me cavities, because if all my teeth rot away, I can’t get cavities on them ever. Plus, if I don’t have teeth, I don’t have to floss. Bonus! It seems like the ultimate cavity protection.

This toothpaste totally blows my mind, even though I found it in the candy section of the convenience store.

Unfortunately, it only comes in a small 1.5-ounce travel size tube, which is small enough to take on a plane without it being confiscated by the TSA, but not big enough for the huge teeth of both actress Julia Roberts and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

I also wish the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would do a good job of freshening my breath, which would totally make up for the future loss of my teeth. Seriously, how am I going to attract the ladies if I don’t have fresh breath? I don’t have looks, personality, or two eyebrows to make up for it. Sure I could find a woman who is blind, deaf, and lacks the sense of smell, but there aren’t many of them around.

Oh cruel world, where is thy Helen Keller to fill thy empty heart?

The bottom line is that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would probably make a decent candy, but kind of sucks as a toothpaste.

Item: Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It’s Fergalicious-tasting. It tastes like candy. Not too tart. Tube size is perfect for travel.
Cons: Its lack of cavity prevention is a dentist’s nightmare…or dream. Doesn’t freshen breath. No foaming toothpaste action. Grainy texture doesn’t seem to clean teeth. Tube size not big enough for people with big teeth. Found in candy aisle.

REVIEW: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers

Marvo 27 Comments

Copying, cloning, imitating…it seems so easy to do, because it is.

Xeroxing your ass at work, Dolly the Sheep, shitty boy bands, and the midterm exams of anyone who sat next to me in my physics, chemistry, and math classes in college are all examples of how easy it is to copy things. Although, I have to admit that I earned C’s and D’s in my physics, chemistry, and math classes, so I apparently sat next to the wrong people.

Sometimes copying is so easy that you can cut and paste a review from a quasi-product review blog, add your own lame comments, and then claim you wrote the whole damn thing by yourself.

(Editor’s Note: There was a link for the comment above, but I decided to remove it, since he admitted to it and apologized. To be honest, he actually seems like pretty decent guy. So all is good.)

Without copying, imitating, plagiarism and Cliff Notes, I probably wouldn’t have my English degree.

Now if it’s so easy copy things, why is it that these 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers don’t really taste much like actual 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars. I tested it by drinking a swig of a Slammers and then took a bite from the candy bar it was supposed to imitate. They both taste good as chocolate milks, but neither one came really close to tasting like their solid brethren.

It’s sort of like Tito Jackson not being able to match the success, weirdness, and child molestation charges of his brother Michael.

I don’t know about the Milky Way Slammers, but as for the 3 Musketeers Slammers, I think there’s only one reason why it doesn’t really taste like a 3 Musketeer candy bar.

That reason is Splenda, which has been the reason for the war in Iraq, Scientology, Jen and Brad breaking up, spam emails, freeway traffic, white guys who act black, holes in the ozone layer, AFLAC commercials, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, internet porn addiction, Limp Bizkit cover bands, welfare abuse, Madonna adopting children, the lack of laws to protect copyrights in China, my hairy palms, why rappers keep getting shot, dropped calls on cell phones, spinning rims, and for some reason it’s the catalyst that makes me dance when I hear the Duran Duran song, “The Reflex.”

The one thing that surprised me about both the 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers is the fact that they don’t need to be refrigerated, despite containing milk. Of course, after you open it, it is necessary to refrigerate what you don’t drink.

I don’t know about you, but that’s scary AND exciting. It’s as scary and exciting as placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt Freeman from Edelman for sending me the free samples. Oh yeah, TIB reviewed the Starburst Slammers last year. That one I didn’t get free.)

Item: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from PR Firm
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good as regular chocolate milk. Vitamins and minerals, but not really significant amounts. No child molesting for Tito Jackson. Despite it being made with milk, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated until after opening it or if you want it cold. Low and reduced fat.
Cons: Really doesn’t taste like the actual candy bars they’re named after. Everything Splenda is responsible for. Jacko. Placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter

Marvo 47 Comments

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is mostly for the dudes out there, but it might have some helpful tidbits for you ladies as well.)

Holy crap! It’s Valentine’s Day and you did absolutely nothing for your woman! All the roses are sold out. Too late to make dinner reservations ANYWHERE! The candy stores are closed. Well don’t fret, homie! The Impulsive Buy has got your back, dawg!

First off, tell your honey to come over to your place at a certain time. Then go buy a couple of bags of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter, about $250 worth of small vanilla-scented candles, some fresh strawberries and grapes, a few mylar heart-shaped balloons, some nice parchment, a calligraphy set, a tiger print loincloth, and the latest issue of GQ magazine.

Some optional things include, condoms, satin sheets, edible water-based lubricant, fuzzy handcuffs, the key to open the handcuffs, a feather, massage oils, Barry White and Marvin Gaye CDs, a paint brush, and the game Twister.

When you have everything, the first thing you should do is make a trail of Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter from the front door to the bedroom.

If you live in a dorm room, you’re not going to need many Hershey’s Kisses to lead a woman to your bedroom. If you live in the Playboy Mansion, on the other hand, you also won’t need as many Hershey’s Kisses, because there is a 99 percent chance that a woman is already in your bedroom.

Now when she opens the door, make sure she sees the trail of Hershey’s Kisses. Use a lit candle, a flower, a balloon, or a picture of Brad Pitt to grab her attention toward the trail of chocolatey goodness. Also, leave a note that’s written on nice parchment in calligraphy that says, “The number of Hershey’s Kisses you pick up, will be the number of kisses I’ll give you tonight.”

You don’t have to mean it, but it sounds super romantic.

Since the trail leads to your bedroom, you have to make your room romantic. Since chicks dig candles, place the small vanilla-scented candles all over the room. Unless she’s a pyromaniac, then I’d consider not having any candles, matches, or lighters in your place. I’d also consider unplugging your stove and oven.

The most important thing about the candles is to not light them all. Maybe light about 25 percent of them, because you don’t want a lot of light, you want a little illumination, because it looks more romantic and you’ll have a lot of unused candles, which you can return to the store the next day.

In your bedroom, you should also have a bowl of fresh strawberries and grapes. When she’s in your bedroom, lying next to you, feed her the fruits. You want to make her feel like Cleopatra in one of those Egyptian wall drawings or in one of the many Technicolor films about her life.

Before she arrives, make sure you have your tiger-print loincloth on. It has to be a tiger-print loincloth because what you want to convey to her is that you are an animal. A Spongebob Squarepants loincloth will not work because it will convey that you are an eight-year-old who hasn’t had an erection yet.

The GQ magazine has a double role here. Scan through the magazine and look at all the poses the male models are in and pick one that you like. When your woman enters the room, the pose that you are in should be the pose that you pick.

The other role the GQ magazine plays in this romantic scene is it’s something you can read while you wait for your woman to arrive.

Now when she enters the bedroom, tell her to come closer, and use one of these lines.

1. “These Hershey’s Kisses maybe sweet, but you’re sweeter.”
2. “These Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter may have the winning combination of chocolate and peanut butter, but you and I make an even more winning combination.”
3. “If you think you’ve got a lot of “Kisses” now, come next to me and I’ll give you even more.
4. “I’ve got Hershey’s Kisses all over my body. Why don’t you come here and find them?”

After all of that, she should want to make sweet, sweet lovin’ with you, unless she either thinks you look really silly in that loincloth or she found out about the sexual transmitted diseases you have.

Finally, here’s a little warning for you: DO NOT EAT ANY OF THE HERSHEY’S KISSES WITH PEANUT BUTTER!

Why?

Because you don’t want peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’.

Also, because the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter are frickin’ addictive. If you eat just one, your romantic trail of chocolaty goodness to your bedroom will disappear. They’re not as good as Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, but they’re pretty darn close.

So if you follow these steps, you will dodge the last minute Valentine’s Day bullet, get a little sweet, sweet lovin’, and get to pretend you’re Tarzan with your tiger-print loincloth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sasha_Kitty who told me about the Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter a few months ago. I would’ve reviewed them sooner, but I didn’t find them until the other week. I will blame this on the fact that I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.)

Item: Hershey’s Kisses with Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Damn good. The combination of chocolate AND peanut butter. Addictive. Sweet, sweet lovin’.
Cons: Peanut butter breath while making sweet, sweet lovin’. Being laughed at while wearing a tiger-print loincloth. My lonely Valentine’s Day.

Hershey’s Kissables

Marvo 42 Comments

As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel

Marvo 28 Comments

There probably have been thousands of ideas in the history of ideas that have looked good on paper, but in the end never really turned out to be very good. For example, dnL, Cowboy Troy, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. All of those things pretty much also sucked on paper. But you get the idea.

Now we can add the new Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel to the list. Usually, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have the ability to make women orgasm more quickly than any man (Or woman. Or vibrating object. Or picture of Brad Pitt.) could.

However, after eating a couple packs of this new Reese’s variation, I can safely say that women will not orgasm after eating it, because the caramel is apparently a culinary cock block.

I really like caramel. I like them on apples. I like them in Twix. I like Eva Longoria.

But the caramel in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel seemed to overpower the flavor of the peanut butter.

It’s kind of like how Star Jones sometimes overpowers the rest women on The View, not only because she’s loud and obnoxious, but also because I think the other women are afraid to say anything because Star might eat them.

There’s a reason why Barbara Walters doesn’t sit next to her, and that reason is…Appetizer.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel were good, but the caramel made the peanut butter cups a little too sweet for my tastes. It also made the peanut butter cups is a little too unstable for my tastes.

With normal Reese’s, the top and bottom are pretty firm when you pinch them. However, because the caramel, which is underneath the peanut butter, has more of a liquid consistency than peanut butter, the chocolate at bottom of each peanut butter cup is kind of soft, which could easily crack, cause a gooey caramel-ly mess, and make you more edible for Star Jones.

Item: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel
Purchase Price: 53 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not as good as the original. Eva Longoria. Caramel apples.
Cons: Star Jones. Caramel dominated the peanut butter flavor, making it a little too sweet. Caramel on the bottom makes the peanut butter cup less stable. Using the word “because” three times in a sentence. Star Jones when she’s hungry.