REVIEW: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal

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Cookie Crisp has always had the potential to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN. All General Mills, the maker of Cookie Crisp, has to do to make this happen is to turn to the dark side, but they haven’t done it, yet, with their new Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal.

When I say “dark side,” I’m not talking about the one filled with anger and hate that turned Anakin Skywalker into the heartless and powerful Darth Vader. Instead, I’m talking about the one that’s filled with greed and gluttony and has the ability to turn an ordinary couch potato into the heart-diseased and easily winded Girth Vider.

This dark side also has the ability to turn Trix into something you would want to eat with a condom on, preferably on your tongue, unless you pay extra to fuck it.

If General Mills did turn to the dark side and wanted Cookie Crisp to be THE GREATEST CEREAL THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, the cereal would be made up of actual mini cookies, and none of these unsatisfying cookie-shaped pieces.

These cookies would be made with enough milk to make a cow’s udder spew dust, enough flour to make it look like one just came from a 1980s cocaine party, enough eggs to make PETA protest, enough butter to make Paula Deen weep, enough sugar to rot one’s teeth instantly and enough love to make one file a restraining order.

Unfortunately, the Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal maintains the status quo with its vanilla-flavored cereal with colorful sprinkles on top. It has a flavor that’s similar to regular Cookie Crisp, except without the slight chocolate chip flavor, proving the sprinkles are just there to distract from the fact that the cereal has no personality, like silicone breast implants do for most female reality show contestants.

I prefer regular Cookie Crisp over Sprinkles Cookie Crisp, but that’s just me, because I tend to prefer chocolately cereals. So if Cookie Crisp decided to go to the dark side and sell a box that contains nothing but Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy, I would purchase that in a heartbeat and then wait for that heartbeat to quicken as I turn into Girth Vider.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup with skim milk – 140 calories, 1 gram of fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 12 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.)

(Note: Here’s an old review I did for Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I’m not sure if it still exists.)

Item: Sprinkles Cookie Crisp Cereal
Price: $5.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Like regular Cookie Crisp, except without the light chocolate chip flavor. Sprinkles give the cereal some color. Going to the dark side, if you’re a cereal company. A cereal made up of Mini Oreos or Mini Chips Ahoy.
Cons: Not better than regular Cookie Crisp. Kind of boring. Not made up of actual cookies. Turning into Girth Vider. Going to the dark side, if you’re a Jedi. Most reality show contestants. Eating Trix that has turned to the dark side.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies

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While frolicking through the cereal aisle, I like to think that each brand has its own personality. Corn Flakes is that friend you can always trust, but isn’t very exciting until she’s dressed up in something sassy. Raisin Bran is an elderly man at a nursing home who is always up for telling a story about when a glass bottle of Coca-Cola was a nickel and pinches his nurse’s ass after she takes his blood pressure. Fruit Loops…well…we won’t go there. Then there’s new Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies who has taken a page out of Barry Bonds’ handbook and every male enhancement advertisement that airs after 11 p.m.

When I first saw Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies I was quite intimidated by its alleged performance enhanced physique; boasting that they are three times bigger than those little weakling Rice Krispies and can beat the shit out of any cereal that crosses them. Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies will snap, crackle and pop your fucking head off.

However, Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies denies any accusations of juicing, claiming that they are healthy since they are “multi-grain.” I decided to give them a chance. Maybe their powerful size can accompany my breakfast lineup, after all Frosted Flakes has been lagging in RBI’s lately. However, these jacked up bad boys are all talk and don’t deliver when they hit my bowl.

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies resemble maggots, which is quite disturbing, but I can pretend I’m on some overdone reality show where I stuff my trap with creepy crawlers (not the kickass toy from the 90’s) and compete against E-List celebrities like William Hung or Jesse Camp. The small, yet adequate, Rice Krispies are known for their rhythmic crackling and/or popping and/or snapping, but the bloated version seems to be as rhythmically challenged as an obese drunk uncle at a wedding reception who barks the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music” and puts emphasis on the line “white boy.”

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies have a touch (more like trickle) of honey, which adds some sweetness, but it doesn’t do much for flavoring the puffed rice. Their only plus side is that they stay hard in milk, which proves they have stamina, but that doesn’t mean a thing when they bore you to the point of falling asleep with a spoonful in your mouth.

Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies are higher in fiber than their older, yet smaller brother, but if you’re looking for a cereal high in fiber there are plenty of more flavorful options, including that perverted old man Raisin Bran.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Cup – 90 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Jumbo Multi-Grain Krispies
Price: $2.19
Size: 11.2 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Multi-grain stays hard in milk. Old people getting away with not so appropriate behavior. Making fun of male enhancement commercials.
Cons: Honey adds some sweetness, but doesn’t do much for its flavor. Steroids in baseball. Resembles maggots. Falling asleep with milk dripping out of your mouth. Getting your ass kicked by an emotionally unstable breakfast cereal. Embarrassing relatives.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra!

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I’m disappointed in the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra!, but not because of its taste. I’m disappointed by its use of the exclamation point, which is a symbol that expresses surprise, anger, pain and how hard you’re ROFL!!!!!!

The use of the exclamation point has got me dismayed for two reasons:

1. I was hoping the cereal would contain something extra beyond the extra because of the exclamation point.

2. I don’t know whether or not to shout the word “Extra” whenever I say the cereal’s name.

To clarify my first reason, I was basically hoping for a toy in the box, but there wasn’t any found, unless you consider the ingredient pyridoxine hydrochloride fun. I know what you’re thinking, I’m a little too old for a toy. While that maybe true, I’ll never be too old for a surprise. Besides toys don’t have to be cheap plastic figurines made in China, they could also be cheap plastic electronics made in China. The Raisin Bran Extra! box may be small, measuring 10″ high and 6.5″ wide, but it’s still big enough to fit shitty digital cameras, crappy cell phones, or Microsoft Zunes.

But alas, there were no toys in the box of Raisin Bran Extra! There were just things you might find in a homemade trail mix or on the floor in the self-serve natural foods aisle at your local grocery store: bran flakes, cranberries, raisins, yogurty clusters, and almond slices.

Compared with the raisins found in regular Raisin Bran, the raisins in this cereal were smaller and lacked the traditional Raisin Bran white sugary coating. The cranberries weren’t noticeable since they were hard to distinguish from the raisins in both looks and taste. The almonds didn’t provide any flavor. All they did was provide some crunchy texture after the bran flakes got soggy. As for the yogurt clusters, they were probably the only ingredient that brought some flavor to the table — adding a nice vanilla sweetness.

The overall flavor of the cereal was all right and I would probably prefer it over regular Raisin Bran if it didn’t come in such a small box. The extra ingredients may not have done much for the flavor, but I think they made the cereal healthier. Cranberries have antioxidants, almonds are rich in monounsaturated fats and the yogurty clusters provided something that could’ve easily been chocolately clusters. Also, the additions helped increase the fiber content to seven grams per serving.

Oh wait. Lemme edit that last sentence.

Also, the additions helped increase the fiber content to seven grams per serving!

That’s better.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 24 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra!
Price: $7.89 (seriously)
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Yogurty clusters provided a nice vanilla flavor to the cereal. Almonds and yogurty clusters gave the cereal a crunchy texture after the bran flakes got soggy. High in fiber.
Cons: No toy included. Almonds didn’t provide any flavor. Box is kind of small. Couldn’t distinguish cranberries from raisins. Raisins were smaller than those found in regular Raisin Bran. Slipping on spilled food in the self-serve natural foods aisle at your local grocery store. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Unsure reason for exclamation point in name.

REVIEW: Post Cinna-Graham Honeycomb

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Reporter: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me I’m sure you two are very BUSY.

Bee #1 HA! You exaggerated “busy” because we’re bees. Good one! It’s not like we’ve heard that line thousands of times.

Bee #2: Don’t make me sting you, bitch.

Reporter: I’m sorry. That was my poor attempt to break the ice. I’ve never interviewed bees before. Let’s just move on. What are your thoughts about the scientists in Australia who are giving honeybees, like yourselves, cocaine to see its effects?

Bee #1: What do I think? I think that’s bullshit. Because why do honeybees in Australia get to have all the fun? While they’re getting high, drinking Tooheys and partying with beautiful Aussie scientists, we’re busting our black and yellow butts to build this huge honeycomb for our queen bee and collect pollen from flowers to make honey. To be honest, I’d rather overdose on cocaine than secrete wax from my body for that bitch queen bee.

Reporter: You don’t think giving honeybees liquefied freebase cocaine is a bad thing?

Bee #1: The only thing bad about it is that there aren’t any scientist here with the balls to do it. Besides, what else are they going to give cocaine to? Flies? They’ll buzz around anything. Bees buzz around things that smell good, like flowers, so if bees high from cocaine were to buzz around shit, puke or anything else you humans secrete from your bodies you could determine the cocaine had an effect on us. But for flies, buzzing around that kind of stuff is normal.

Reporter: You don’t think what they’re doing is considered cruelty to insects?

Bee #1: Look, if PETA wants to get naked, paint their bodies black and yellow, and parade themselves in front of us to protest, I’m fine with that because it’s better than looking at our slutty queen bee who goes out and gets nasty with more than a dozen other bees. The only thing I ask is that Pam Anderson doesn’t show up because I’ve seen her naked so many times that she no longer gets my stinger up.

Bee #2: Don’t make me sting you, bitch.

Reporter: Is that all your friend is going to say?

Bee #1: Hey, man! Give my friend a break. He’s got cabin fever. It’s hard working and living in a hive where it’s a total sausagefest and he has to poop out wax for the honeycomb.

Reporter: Too bad you couldn’t just make the honeycomb out of Post Cinna-Graham Honeycomb cereal.

Bee #1: W-w-what’s this Post Cinna-Graham Honeycomb cereal you speak of?

Reporter: It’s a cereal that’s shaped somewhat like the honeycombs you bees make.

Bee #1: So what you’re saying is that there’s a pre-fab way to make the honeycomb that doesn’t involve us shitting out wax? Sign. Me. Up.

Reporter: I don’t think it works that way.

Bee #2: Don’t make me sting you, bitch.

Reporter: It’s a breakfast cereal that we humans eat. Usually, it’s just honey flavored, but this version has a hint of cinnamon and graham crackers. It smells like graham crackers, but when I put a spoonful in my mouth both flavors weren’t very strong. The cinnamon was what I tasted first and then the graham cracker, which was more like a diet graham cracker. It’s not bad, but I was hoping it would be as sweet as the honey you bees produce or like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Bee #1: Great…This has been one depressing interview, man. First, you tell me Australian honeybees get to have cocaine and then you have me believe there’s an easier way to build a honeycomb. What bad thing are you going to tell me next? If both of us sting you, we’re going to die?

Reporter: Um, well yeah…

Bee #1: Well I’m going to go sting a muthafucker and that muthafucker is you!

Bee #2: I’m going to sting you, bitch.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 cups – 130 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and fortified with a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Post Cinna-Graham Honeycomb
Price: $6.49
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Smells like graham crackers. Huge ass box for the big ass cereal pieces. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Stays crunch in milk for a decent amount of time.
Cons: Light cinnamon and graham cracker taste. Getting stung by bees. Pooping wax. Cabin fever. Can’t use Honeycomb cereal to help build actual honeycombs. Flies.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites

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I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

I’ve never wanted to sing the chorus of the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You” to a box of cereal before, until I tried the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites, which is being marketed to kids. I would sing more than just the chorus if only I knew the rest of the song’s lyrics, because I keep getting the lines mixed up between this song, the other Boyz II Men hit, “On Bended Knee,” and Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

Also, if I sang more I would be breaking a lot of windows with my voice. Not because it provides a high-pitch frequency to shatter glass, but because people will jump through windows to quickly get away from the sound that’s coming out of my mouth.

I won’t sing “I’ll Make Love To You” to just any box of cereal, despite what other cereal boxes, which I won’t name for fear of being snap, crackled or popped, might say about me. The Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites are so good that I just want to stick my face into a bowl of it and lap it up like a dog after playing fetch the ball with Payton Manning.

When I bite into them it feels like there are small pieces of chocolate in each cereal biscuit, which is possible since the ingredients include semisweet chocolate chips. And I’m not talking about fake-ass mockolate. I’m talking about the real shit with cocoa butter. By keeping it real, the cereal tastes like little slices of chocolate cake and that’s why I sing:

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

Not only does this cereal taste good, it’s also good for me because it has six grams of dietary fiber per serving, which is about one-fourth of the daily recommended intake of fiber. It’s also made with 100% whole grains, although because the cereal makes me want to spend a lot of money to get into its box, I think it might actually be made out of whore grains instead.

Perhaps the only characteristic I didn’t like about the Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites was its name, which was confusing. Each piece of cereal was nearly half the size of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats, but its name didn’t articulate that because I tend to think that “little” is bigger than “mini.” If the iPod has taught me anything, besides not sticking my Belle & Sebastian collection on it so that people won’t think I’m a pussy, it’s that items from small to smallest should be named mini, nano, and shuffle.

I really hope Kellogg’s never decides to discontinue their Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites because it’s so good and so good for me that if they did halt production of it I would have to start singing the Boyz II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”

(Nutrition Facts – About 52 biscuits – 200 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 270 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 27 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites
Price: $6.29
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like little slices of chocolate cake. Six grams of fiber per serving. Made with 100% whole grain. Contains real semisweet chocolate. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Tastes best when eaten without milk.
Cons: Name is confusing. Milk kind of weakens its taste. Being caught with Belle & Sebastian on my iPod. My singing.