Tag: Chips

Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips

Marvo 22 Comments

Like alcohol in the hands of really bored housewives, potato chips can be addictive. If I had a dollar for every time I opened a big bag of potato chips and got to the point when I said “Holy shit! I can’t believe I ate half the bag,” I’d have enough money to get the quinapril hydrochloride pills to help lower my high blood pressure for all the salt I consumed or I would have enough cash to buy more potato chips so that I can create a vicious circle of tasty, crunchy fried potatoes and high systolic and diastolic numbers.

Recently, Frito-Lay, the company that seems to promise I’ll get laid via frying, but has yet to fulfill that promise, introduced the Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips, which now allows me to have those “Holy shit” moments with less salt while watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 episodes.

The Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips have 75 milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving, while the Lay’s Classic potato chips have 180 milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving, which for those of you who have molluscophobia or just want to be a douchebag to other living creatures is probably enough salt to kill a snail. Strangely, while doing some research, I also found out that Lay’s has a Lightly Salted version of their potato chips which have 90 milligrams of sodium per serving. So I guess Lay’s is now giving you the option of which level you want your blood pressure to be at.

The low sodium chips look, smell and taste like Lay’s Classic potato chips, except obviously less salty. They also seemed less greasy, which is a bonus because my television remote control won’t be so slick when I try to grab it and change channels during commercials. Before trying these chips, I thought that the lack of salt would make them extremely bland, like most low sodium products, but thankfully, that was not the case. I do have to admit that I prefer the taste of the Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips over the original version because my taste buds and my high blood pressure think the chips have the right amount of salt on them.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 15 chips – 150 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 4.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 340 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 10% vitamin C, 2% iron, and 0 minutes of getting laid via frying)

Item: Lay’s Pinch of Salt Potato Chips
Price: $3.29 (6.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Lay’s, except not as salty. Not bland tasting. Seems to be not as greasy as Lay’s Classic chips. Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Cons: Seems to be in a smaller bag. Killing snails with salt. Holy shit moments. My high blood pressure. Molluscophobia. Not getting Frito Layed.

Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks

Marvo 18 Comments

From my front door, it takes a few hundred steps for me to get to the Burger King down the street. Sometimes it takes more, if I stop at the Moonlight Massage parlor along the way, which are open during the hours of 10 p.m. and 4 a.m., and sometimes it takes less, if I take my car or if I stop by the Moonlight Massage and ask my masseuse, Persia, to replace the usual “Happy Ending” with a trip to Burger King, because really, getting a Whopper delivered to you is truly a happy ending. Sometimes I wish the Burger King was much closer, but thanks to the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks I can experience Burger King without leaving my apartment and without asking Persia to walk in her five inch heels down the street.

To be honest, I’m not a fan of Burger King french fries so I didn’t think I’d like these. However, the good news is that these potato snacks didn’t taste like Burger King french fries. The bad news is that these potato snacks are worse than Burger King french fries. To sum up how I feel about them, I came up with this simple equation:

Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks is less than Burger King french fries is less than a slap in the face

Its tangy ketchup flavor came in the form of a powder that is Homeland Security Red in color and sticks to your fingers, making them look like they caught something from being in Paris Hilton’s disarrayed va-jay-jay. Sucking the flavor off my fingers is usually a pleasurable experience that I pay for at the Moonlight Massage, but that wasn’t the case with the bright red powder since it made my fingers smell like Thousand Island dressing, one of the least erotic salad dressings, right next to blue cheese. The flavor of the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks had a strong vinegary smell and taste, which bordered between bad ketchup flavored Pringles and bad barbeque flavored potato chips.

But not everything is bad about the Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks. They are healthier than a small size of Burger King french fries and contain no trans fats, but if that’s all they’ve got going for them, it’s not good. Well, it looks like my Happy Endings will continue to end with a Whopper.

(Nutrition Facts – Approx. 16 chips – 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugars, and 5 red powdery fingers.)

(Editor’s Note: Snack You Silly also reviewed this package of red, vinegar goodness.)

Item: Burger King Ketchup & Fries Potato Snacks
Price: $1.49 (3 ounces)
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: A Happy Ending and those that end with a Whopper. Zero trans fat. Healthier than Burger King fries. A slap in the face compared with Burger King fries.
Cons: Worse than Burger King fries. Strong vinegar smell and taste. Leaves red powder on fingers that smell like Thousand Island dressing, the least erotic salad dressing. Walking in five inch heels. Burger King fries.

REVIEW: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond

Marvo 22 Comments

OMGYAFC!!! Oh. My. God. You. Are. Fucking. Cute.

I don’t know whether to eat or to hug you, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Look at your face on your packaging. You’re trying to balance an almond on your nose while caramel corn is being thrown at you. Totemo kawaii (very cute). I really don’t want to open you because I afraid I’m going to hurt you. That look on your face looks like you’re prepared for the torture of having your top ripped open by filthy non-cute human hands. Oh how I wish you weren’t cute, like a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips, a trash dumpster, or Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s wedding photos.

But I’m sorry, little guy, I have to open you. If I wasn’t hungry and didn’t need to review you, perhaps I could cuddle you a little longer. Now I have to eat what could be considered your brains. Are you ready, little guy? At least you won’t have to worry about caramel corn being thrown at you anymore and perhaps you can open your eye again. Let me just squeeze you one last time. Hmm…Goodbye, my cute little Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Goodbye.

(Opens bag and Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond exhales its last breath)

NOOOO…Oh. You’re not so cute inside. I was expecting bright colors and flamboyant costumes, like being at a gay pride parade, but your innards look like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp from Red Lobster. Not so kawaii. I hope your flavor was worth killing you for.

Oh. You’re like Cracker Jack-flavored Cheetos. Wow, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond, you’re really tasty and very addicting. You’re so light, fluffy, and crunchy that I didn’t realize I just ate half of you. You may not be cute and happy on the inside, like you are on the outside, but when I eat you, you make me happy on the inside. I guess I’m going to have to find other cute little bags of Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond and kill them too.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams (1/3 of the bag) – 157 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 54 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0.3 grams of dietary fiber, 16.7 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 1.5% calcium, 0.7% iron, and 100% kawaii.)

Item: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Fucking addictive. Tastes like Cracker Jacks. Light, fluffy, and crunchy. Totemo kawaii packaging.
Cons: Looks like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp. Probably hard to find for most people since it’s a product of Japan. Having to kill cute things.

Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps

Marvo 47 Comments

In honor of these Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps being all-natural, I am eating them au naturel, or naked for you non-French speaking folk, because if they’ve got nothing to hide, then I’ve got nothing to hide. We’ll just put both of our cards on the table. Of course, some cards are bigger than others, and unfortunately, theirs were bigger. However, just as unsightly as my naked body is, these potato chips…I mean, potato crisps were just as unflattering.

You know how, “once you pop, you can’t stop” with regular potato chips, I didn’t get that feeling with these. I guess it’s like when wild animals get the taste of human blood, it’s all they crave, and that’s the way I feel about potato chips. They taste much better than these Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps and it will be very hard to convince me otherwise.

It’s like when your doctor tells you have to stop drinking regular Pepsi, and then you start drinking Diet Pepsi to try and replace it, but it just isn’t the same. What I’m trying to say is, the Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps are like the diet cola of potato chips. You won’t like the taste at first, but you’ll eventually get used to it, because you have to.

The Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps comes in four flavors: Original with Sea Salt, Black Pepper and Sea Salt, Fresh Onion and Garlic, and Szechuan Pepper and Fresh Chives. I tried the last two flavors and I wasn’t impressed with either of them. The flavor was very light and was only there during the first couple of chews, but after that it disappears and they end up tasting sort of like Baked Lay’s potato chips.

According to the packaging, the potatoes go through a revolutionary freeze-drying process that gently removes the water to lock in nutrients naturally found in potatoes while preserving the flavor. The potato crisps seemed very fragile, like my ego and Precious Moments figurines, but were surprisingly durable. Freeze-drying, instead of frying or baking, dramatically increases the healthiness of these potato crisps. They have zero grams of fat and only 35 calories per bag, which is more than four times less calories than a 1-ounce serving size of regular Lay’s Potato Chips. But again, its flavor was probably four times less flavorful as regular Lay’s Potato Chips.

Brothers-All-Natural also has fruit slices that are freeze-dried, like these potato crisps, and I felt the apple and peach fruit slices were much more enjoyable than their starch counterparts. The idea behind Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps is a very noble one. Potato chips can be addictive, like cigarettes and internet porn, so having a healthier version of it would make popping and not stopping seem not so bad. Unfortunately, these potato crisps aren’t able to break my addiction.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 35 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of cholesterol, 190-220 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 1 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

(Editor’s Note: I have a few extra samples of Brothers-All-Natural products that I would like to give away to readers (Ace is not eligible), so I’m going to have a drawing for them. If you’re interested in winning a free sample, just leave a comment for this review and let me know if you’d like to win either a potato crisps sample or a fruit slices sample. I’ll stop collecting entries on Sunday evening and announce the winners next week. Have fun!)

Item: Brothers-All-Natural Potato Crisps
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by PR people
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Healthier than potato chips. All-natural. 100% fat free. Kind of tastes like Baked Lays. Brothers-All-Natural Fruit Slices.
Cons: It’s the diet cola of potato chips. Not as good as real potato chips. Serving size is small for my fat ass. Flavor was light. Crisps seem very fragile. My naked body.

REVIEW: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns

Ace 24 Comments

If you’ve ever attended elementary school, you probably remember the one boy that really enjoyed his food. He would eat a hamburger as if he was making out with it and smother spaghetti sauce along his face as if it were a velvety smooth shaving cream. For that kid, eating was not just simple consumption; it was a sensual ritual rivaled only by the raunchiest of all sex acts. Of course, none of us really knew the dynamics of intercourse at the time, so that kid indulged in the closest thing there was. It was absolutely disgusting — and I wanted in.

Sure, the kids made fun of him, but who was the joke on? While the rest of us were worried about tripping at recess or pissing our pants, he was doing exactly what he wanted. We should all learn a lesson from that boy. It’s time to forget about looking cool with chai-flavored biscotti and time to stop giving a damn. That’s why I picked up a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns.

Introduced in 1994, these messy rings of pungency were mysteriously taken off the market soon after they hit stores. It was probably due to the fact that kids were coming to class with eye-burning red fingers and the strong smell of onion powder, effectively destroying any will that the barely motivated teachers already had. This potent combination somehow manages to make junk food even less sexy.

Fortunately, I made it a point not to care about those things any more. Now that these fiery rings of onion-flavored corn are back, I can finally enjoy their addictive messy flavor. Unlike Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, where the cheese flavoring is essentially masked, the pleasant onion taste of the Funyuns is a nice contrast to the heat.

If you’ve ever had other Flamin’ Hot products, you’ll pretty much know what to expect. It’s a slow burn of red peppers followed by that weird hissing sound you make when you don’t want to wussy out and drink water. These chips are a perfect addictive snack for any social occasion − as long as it’s with people you’re not trying to impress.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 oz., around 13 chips – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 300mg sodium, 16 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Flamin’ Hot Funyuns
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Very addictive. Heat doesn’t overpower the Funyun goodness. Not worrying about being cool when snacking. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.
Cons: You’ll probably look and smell like a woodland creature while you’re eating these. Accidentally wiping your eyes with the red powder on your fingers. Hamburger make-out, depending on how you feel about that sort of thing.