Tag: Chips

Growing up my mom gave me the nickname of “The Human Garbage Disposal.”

Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that, because I have a feeling that nickname is going to haunt me in the future.

Anyway, she called me that because during dinner I made sure there weren’t any leftovers, except when dinner was tuna casserole or liver. Of course, this explained the many years of husky clothes, but then again I was a bookworm during those years and my idea of exercise was doing 100 reps of turning the pages of Choose Your Own Adventure books.

Although the nickname didn’t carry on into college, the spirit of The Human Garbage Disposal continued and evolved. In the college cafeteria, where food was served buffet-style, my friends mixed several foods together and dared me to eat it.

Mixed vegetables, marinara sauce, corn chowder, and strawberry ice cream, all mixed into a bowl?

No problem.

Pepsi, mashed potatoes, apple pie, mustard, and croutons, in a cup?

I’ll drink that!

Puking never happened, but gagging always did.

However, after college, The Human Garbage Disposal almost completely disappeared. There were brief moments when it would appear when I was dared to eat a piece of candy accidentally dropped on the floor or scarf down jalapenos with hot sauce at Mexican restaurants.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Damon dared me to eat a can of Olestra-laced Fat Free Pringles. After what happened to me with the Olestra-ted Ruffles Light, I knew this might be something only the Human Garbage Disposal could accomplish.

Fat Free Pringles aren’t a new product. I believe they were one of the first products with Olestra. Ever since they were released, I’ve never really had the urge to try them because they were twice the price of regular Pringles. Thanks to you, Damon, I now had the urge to try them.

The problem with Pringles is the fact that once you pop, you can’t stop. There have been several occasions when I have eaten an entire can of Pringles in one sitting. This time didn’t turn out to be one of those occasions, because I’m now older, wiser, and I thought I was running out of toilet paper.

So while watching VH1’s Remaking: Vanilla Ice, I popped open a can of Fat Free Pringles and began chomping it down chip-by-chip.

I also began to recreate those dance moves Vanilla Ice used to do, like that one move where he would just hump the floor and the other one that involved him shaking his head violently like bobblehead doll, while doing the Running Man.

Before I knew it, I had gone through half the can of Fat Free Pringles and solidified my title as, “Worst Dancer Ever.”

I couldn’t believe I ate half the can, because the Fat Free Pringles didn’t taste very good. It didn’t even come close to tasting like regular Pringles. Heck, it didn’t even come close to tasting like Reduced Fat Pringles.

Despite eating half the can in one sitting and finished up the rest of the Fat Free Pringles the next day, I surprisingly didn’t find myself spending a lot of time on the crapper. Actually, all I experienced was some bad gas.

I don’t know if my time spent digesting the Ruffles Light potato chips made my stomach stronger or if I got a dud can of Fat Free Pringles, but either way that can of Fat Free Pringles was definitely my first AND last can.

Item: Original Fat Free Pringles
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: No exploding anus. Zero grams of fat. Zero milligrams of cholesterol.
Cons: Twice the price of regular Pringles. Doesn’t even come close to tasting like regular Original Pringles. Some gas. My title as, “Worst Dancer Ever.”

A couple weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader, James, emailed me to tell me about the Limited Edition Jalapeno Pringles. After I read his email, I really wanted to find them, because I’m a sucker for limited edition items.

So far with these Limited Edition Pringles, it’s been hit or miss. I’ve tried two Limited Edition flavors: Ketchup Pringles (which were pretty dang good) and Salt & Pepper Pringles (which were pretty dang bad).

If I was going to find these Jalapeno Pringles, I knew there was only one place I would find them: The gigantic, small-business destroying, rollback-price-advertising behemoth, known as Walmart.

I don’t really like going to Walmart, because I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, a part of their soul leaves them. Also, I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, the eyes of a Walton family member spin like a slot machine and when they stop, dollar signs appear and they yell “Ka-ching!”

Anyway, I went into Walmart with only the Jalapeno Pringles on my shopping list and I wasn’t going to buy anything else. I headed to the snack aisle and, fortunately, they had them in stock. Plus, they were only 99 cents. I found what I was looking for and I tried to head towards the cashiers, but something suddenly came over me.

“Oooh, Star Wars cereal! I have to buy that,” I said to myself.

“Oooh, Limited Edition Southwestern Salsa Pringles! It’s only 99 cents!”

“Clorox Toilet Wand? Hey, it’s on sale!”

“36 count box of lubricated Trojan condoms? I’ll never get the chance to use them, but they’re so cheap.”

It was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream, except it was real and I didn’t want it to happen.

When I finally got to the cashier, my total turned out to be over fifty dollars.

DAMMIT! Damn you, Walmart! Damn you!

Anyway, I was looking forward to trying the Jalapeno Pringles because I like spicy foods and I was hoping these Pringles would be as spicy as the Fiery Hot Pringles. There are many ways to determine how spicy something is, but the best way come from a wise man who once said, “The true test of spicy food is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy.”

Well the Jalapeno Pringles were spicy going in, but not as spicy hot as the Fiery Hot Pringles and it didn’t come out spicy. However, the artificial Jalapeno flavor was pretty good and somewhat authentic.

(Note to the Pringles Gods: Please make habanero-flavored Pringles.)

So are the Jalapeno Pringles worth going back to Walmart for?

Yeah, I would go back and pick up more, but only if I bring the exact amount in my wallet and leave all my credit or debit cards at home.

Item: Jalapeno Pringles
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice taste. Spicy. Cheap at Walmart.
Cons: Walmart. Not as spicy as I hoped. Had to shop at Walmart. Spent more than I wanted at Walmart. Limited Edition.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Jim from Snooze Button Dreams for winning this month’s prize drawing for a $15 iTunes Gift Card. Thank you to all of you who participated.

If you didn’t win this time, maybe you’ll have better luck with April’s prize drawing. However, I have to tell you that next month’s prize is going to suck, compared to the iTunes Gift Card.

Now here’s today’s review. Enjoy.)

I’m not good with things that require knowledge.

For example, the game show Jeopardy. I totally suck at it. If I had to play against Ken Jennings, he would pull me across his lap, pull my pants down, and spank me badly. Also, I honestly believe that Alex Trebek’s old mustache knows waaay more than me.

Then there’s Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? If Regis Philbin was still hosting, he’d be yelling at me. Not the crazy, happy “You just won $32,000!” yelling that he usually does, more like “You are a moron!” yelling.

Oh, and let’s not forget The Weakest Link. If I ended up on that show, I would totally be Anne Robinson’s bitch.

Sure, I could acquire knowledge through such things as books, the Internet, newspapers, magazines, and television, but books are for nerds, the Internet is for porn, newspapers are for lining bird cages, I only pick up magazines for the pictures, and my brain shuts off when watching television.

However, recently I came across Pringles Prints. They look and taste like regular Pringles, except on each chip there’s a trivia question and its answer printed with blue ink (which doesn’t affect the taste).

Holy crap! I can learn from one of my favorite all-time snacks?

Why couldn’t they have done this for the Russian class I failed in college? Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!

Despite being excited about finding a way to acquire knowledge through Pringles, I was disappointed that I happened to have picked up the Daytona 500 edition of Pringles Prints.

Now, if there was a topic that I wouldn’t want to know anything about, it would be the Daytona 500. No offense to you NASCAR fans out there, but I’m more of a baseball, college basketball, women’s figure skating, and women’s bodybuilding kind-of-guy.

So instead of questions about the Daytona 500, I wish on these Pringles Prints there were questions and answers that many people want to know, like:

1. What is the Gaian Theory?
2. Who are the members of the G-G-G-G-Unit?
3. What happened to Tiffany-Amber Thiessen’s career?
4. Has there been any moment this year that Anna Nicole Smith hasn’t been drunk?
5. Where do babies come from?

If they had Pringles Prints like that, I believe becoming a member of Mensa is definitely in my future, or at least, maybe I’ll get my ass kicked less in Trivial Pursuit.

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Item: Pringles Prints: Daytona 500
Purchase Price: $1.13
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: It’s original Pringles-flavored and you can’t go wrong with that. Perfect for NASCAR fans.
Cons: Questions were on a topic I’m not interested in learning. Hand got stuck in Pringles can…again. Stupid can!