Tag: Coffee

Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends

Marvo 22 Comments

Oh, I feel it!

I feel the power from the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends pulsating through my hands, arms, Bowflex-built-chest, hairy runner’s legs, and ballerina twinkle toes.

It’s like when Prince Adam holds the Sword of Power above his head and turns into He-Man, except instead of a weak young prince being turned into a mound of muscle usually seen at Gold’s Gym or in a gay man or lonely housewife’s wet dream, the Godiva Belgian Blends transformed me from a weak young quasi product review blog editor into a weak, young, snobby, think-I’m-better-than-everyone mutha fucker that should have his ass beaten.

The same change also happens to me whenever I’m drinking Evian or Perrier, when I’m behind the wheel of a Mercedes Benz or BMW, and when I’m watching foreign films with subtitles. Just to let you know, I have pissed off many people and lost several friends while watching the French flim Amelie.

I’m not too sure about the reason why I turn into such a prick whenever I’m doing something like sipping on a San Pellegrino mineral water while watching the Mexican film Amores Perros, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m doing something that I think is über cool and something that not many people do. Just like me putting that umlaut above the “u” in “über” is totally cool and something not many people do.

You don’t believe the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends has that type of effect on me?

Well I’ll just have to prove it to you.

Let me hold the Godiva Belgian Blends in my hand, then I’ll think of a topic, then tell you why I think it sucks, and then tell you about something that I think is better. What I’m going to say is not how I truly feel, instead it is the Godiva Belgian Blends that’s doing the talking.

Okay, I got the topic — Starbucks coffee.

Pff! Starbucks sucks! You gotta wait in frickin’ long lines, the coffee is overpriced, and there are all those weird cup size names. The only things I call “tall” are trees, giraffes, skyscrapers, light posts, transvestites, and anyone else whose height is above 5 feet 8 inches. If you want to be cool, go fly to Colombia, pick your own coffee beans right of the tree, stick them in a burlap sack, transport the burlap sack with the coffee beans on a back of a donkey, then give the beans to Juan Valdez to grind and brew for you — all for just a few pesos. That’s real coffee for cool people.

See, I’m a prick with this Godiva Belgian Blends drink in my hands.

I know the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends made me rant about Starbucks, but after tasting it I have to say that it tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino drink. The mocha flavor was way too faint for my tastes and if there was Godiva chocolate in the drink, I couldn’t tell since that flavor was a little too faint as well.

But there are two slightly redeeming qualities about the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends. First, it has sweet, sweet caffeine. Although it’s last on the ingredients list, so it probably doesn’t have much to last me through the opening credits of a King of Queens rerun. Second, I picked it up at the un-Godiva-like price of $1.59. I think it’s the only Godiva product I can afford that won’t mess up my budget for all those trip to Colombia I take.

(Editor’s Note: THE Lord Jezo at 78west reviewed the French Vanilla Latte version of this product late last year. You can review his review here.)

Item: Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends
Price: $1.59 (9.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Caffeine, although not much of it. Cheap for a Godiva product. My ballerina twinkle toes. The movie Amelie.
Cons: Tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino. I’m an asshole when holding it in my hand. Trips to Colombia. My behavior when watching the film Amelie.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

Marvo 50 Comments

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte

Marvo 28 Comments

Sleepy, Marvo? A grande espresso will perk you right up. You don’t want to be sleepy at work. You’ll be less efficient, which may cause you to get fired, and you’ll end up selling crack to little kids, selling your body to old female Japanese tourists, or working at Wal-Mart with little benefits.

I’m not a coffee drinker, but ever since I picked up the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, Starbucks seems to be trying to lure me into one of their stores through telepathy. With 34 Starbucks locations within a ten mile radius of my apartment, their presence is very powerful.

Before trying the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I’ve never had a regular cup of coffee, a latte, an espresso, a Frappuccino, a cappuccino, a macchiato, or whatever other coffee drinks that end with the letter “o.”

You want coffee! A delicious latte in a grande or tall size! You know you want it. Everyone else is doing it, so why aren’t you? All the cool kids are doing it. Don’t you want to be cool?

My guess is that when I picked it up, red flags and sirens went off at Starbucks headquarters in Seattle, although I think they went off not only because I picked up a non-Starbucks product, but also because I’m one type of a typical Starbucks customer.

I’m a young male professional, who dresses in a little too much Gap and Banana Republic. I’m also a go getter, with dreams of making it big in the real world, ending up with a two car garage house, a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, maybe a dog, and a wife who is not only successful in her own right, but also has a naughty side.

We’ve got hot barista girls ready to serve you whatever your heart desires. Some of them have tattoos on their lower back and piercings in places you can’t see, and we know how much you love women like that. If you come to Starbucks, they’ll smile at you, not because they’re told to by management, but because they WANT your hot body.

See, Starbucks wants me pretty bad.

But like I said earlier, I’m not a coffee drinker. I think I feel this way because of all those years of smelling the coffee-stamped breaths of my elementary school teachers, who needed caffeine to help them be alert just in case I decided to either run with scissors, fingerpaint my face, or eat the paste.

Even after drinking the Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte, I don’t know if I’ll become a coffee drinker, because I wasn’t too impressed with it. It wasn’t bad, but for something that calls itself “rich,” it had a watery taste.

Probably the best thing about this product, was its self-heating can. According to the label, a chemical process heats up the inside of the can and the watery, rich mocha latte to over 140 degrees Fahrenheit (or 60 degrees Celsius for you Celsius fanatics).

With this chemical process, I ended up with was a latte that was not too hot, like Papa Bear’s porridge; not too cold, like Mama Bear’s porridge; but just right, like Baby Bear’s porridge. The self-heating can is definitely convenient for those on the go, those who don’t have time to wait in line at a Starbucks, or those who have to prevent little kids from running with scissors or eating the paste.

However, its taste will probably have people heading back to Starbucks and have Wolfgang Puck’s Iron Chef status taken away from him. As for myself, I’m still not a coffee drinker, so I hope that Starbucks will stop telepathically trying to convince me to be a customer.

You should hang out at Starbucks, because there are lots of chicks at Starbucks. Lots of smart, beautiful chicks who love guys who drink Starbucks coffee. All the cool young professionals hang out at Starbucks. Your iPod doesn’t make you cool, but Starbucks will.

I guess not.

Item: Wolfgang Puck Rich Mocha Latte
Purchase Price: $2.99 (10-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Self-heating can, which produced a not too hot, not too cold, but just right temperature. 100 calories. Hot barista girls at Starbucks.
Cons: Watery taste. Not very rich. Starbucks trying to telepathically lure me into one of their stores. Long lines at Starbucks.