Tag: Condiment

REVIEW: Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar

Marvo 4 Comments

Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Kethcup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar

The black label on the Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar makes it look like I should only break it out during classy functions, like any event with the word “gala” in its name. It looks fancier than fancy ketchup.

Heck, it looks so classy that I’m surprised it wasn’t wearing a black bow tie around its neck like a Chippendales dancer. However, because it looks so sophisticated, I’m not sure what to use it with. But I do know it has to be something upscale or something that’s Trump-gaudy.

Perhaps, I could put it on top of a burger made with ground Kobe beef imported from the Hyōgo Prefecture in Japan. Or I could use it as a dipping sauce for French fries made with La Bonnotte potatoes, the most expensive potatoes in the world. Or, if I’m going Trump-gaudy, maybe I could pour it over a meatloaf shaped like a violin.

But I don’t have the hundreds of dollars needed to buy a pound of La Bonnotte potatoes or Kobe beef, nor do I have a violin-shaped baking pan.

So I was forced to try the Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar with a food that doesn’t seem worthy of the fanciest of fancy ketchups — French fries made with boring Russet potatoes that weren’t harvested from an island off the coast of France and cost over $300 a pound.

The classy ketchup’s color is noticeably darker than regular ketchup, thanks to the balsamic vinegar. The deep red color makes it a wonderful fake blood alternative for you amateur filmmakers, backyard wrestlers, and people who want to fake their death because they owe their bookie money they can’t repay or because they want to collect their life insurance and move to an island country.

Because it contains balsamic vinegar, I expected the limited edition ketchup to be a bit more aromatic, but it smelled like regular ketchup.

Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Kethcup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar Closeup

There’s a flavor difference between regular ketchup and the Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar, but it’s not a significant difference. The vinegar flavor is slightly stronger than with regular ketchup, giving the condiment a pleasant tanginess. There’s also a slight fruity sweetness, which is different than the sweetness from regular ketchup. But, again, it’s not a significant difference and I think if someone were to replace regular ketchup with this classy ketchup, I think most people won’t notice the switcheroo.

The Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Ketchup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar is available until March. However, Heinz has said if it becomes popular enough, it could become a regular ketchup variety. Even though the difference in flavor between it and regular ketchup isn’t considerable, I prefer its flavor. So I hope it does become a permanent variety and come in large, no mess squeezable bottles so I can use it to write my name on any future violin-shaped meatloaf I may make.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Tbsp – 25 calories, 0 grams of fat, 160 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Heinz Tomato Kethcup Blended With Balsamic Vinegar
Price: $2.99
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Black label makes it look fancy. Slightly better than regular ketchup. Slight fruitiness. Kobe beef. Makes a wonderful fake blood alternative.
Cons: Not a significant difference in flavor compared with regular ketchup. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Limited edition, for now.

REVIEW: Land O’Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread

Nichol 10 Comments

Land O'Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread

During college, one of my best friends developed a loaf-a-week cinnamon toast habit. It got to the point where she’d leave a softened stick of butter at the ready in the cabinet with the cups and bowls, and a dish of pre-mixed cinnamon sugar out on the kitchen counter the way some people seem to leave out plates of cocaine. When I first got wind of Land O’Lakes’ new Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread, I immediately thought of her, and wondered if the current residents of our old apartment ever question the inexplicable gritty texture of every surface in their kitchen.

I then also wondered if that poor kitchen still reeks of rotting potato, but that’s a whole other story which I’d rather not relive except to say: Always know the age and quantity of your stockpile of spuds, kids. The consequences of careless potato storage are dire and long lasting. Your friends may never visit again.

But enough with that PSA. Cue the little shooting star icon. Back to the sweet, sweet wonders of butter with bonus goodies.

My first experience with the concept came with homemade honey butter. I loved that shit as a kid. One day, in one of those bowls o’ condiments provided with the complimentary bread at some restaurant, I found a pre-combined version. Gleefully tearing into the little packet I discovered it to be full of disappointment. Bland, overly blended, and too heavy on the butter, it just wasn’t the melty sweet punch I’d fallen in love with. When the same kid, who tried to eat the fake toast in her Fisher Price kitchen years after it could be written off as an age-appropriate mistake, denounces your attempt at something as simple as honey butter, you know you have failed.

I like to envision foods like honey and butter existing perpetually as couples in hopelessly failing culinary marriages. They’d really like to stay together for their consumers, but to do that they need the help of a marriage counselor of sorts in form of some type of weird additive. Unfortunately, more often than not, either that additive is an awful counselor or they find they hate each other so much it ceases to matter, resulting in an inferior product. You can almost taste the contempt.

However, when you, the consumer, bring those same items together for just the brief time it takes to devour them, they sometimes magically rediscover what brought them together in the first place. It’s a child’s depressing little dream come true. For one brief moment they’re happy, nostalgic, and delicious. Everyone is laughing. If we were to give it five more minutes, maybe tack a prologue onto those credits, however, honey would inevitably bring up butter’s affair with apples, sending them back to square one. I worried that would be the case with the Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread – more fit for Lifetime than for the Disney Channel.

Luckily, as you probably noticed in the initial news blurb on this site, Land O’Lakes managed to keep the ingredient list short (and sweet), offering us a relatively simple amalgam of cream, sugar, canola oil, water, cinnamon, salt, and citric acid. What the tiny print on the back of the package reveals, however, is that this stuff is 19% canola oil – enough to cancel out any of the meager calcium benefits of regular butter consumption while creating a product that melts more smoothly and easily than the most genetically modified margarine commercially available today. It would seem that Land O’Lakes has attempted to achieve ingredient harmony by giving up completely and suspending everything in oil.

Land O'Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread Stuff Spreaded On

The spread itself has a color that’s almost similar to peanut butter. It also has a comparable texture when pulled right out of the refrigerator. Apply it to a room temperature item, though, and the canola oil kicks in. The butter instantly melts down to a spreadable level without being absorbed into the bread (or blueberry bagel or oatmeal cookie if you’re me and trying to be thorough with your sampling). Seriously, it’s like grabbing mercury. I hadn’t had butter that wasn’t in stick form in probably three or four years, so this completely astounded me. What wonders will they think of next? Wireless internet? Pre-sliced frozen pizza?? Individual Kool-Aid packets??? Baffling technology, the lot of it.

If you just eat a dab of the stuff, it’s almost like consuming pure cinnamon bark which has inexplicably melted. It wasn’t nearly as sweet as I expected. In fact, pretty much everything else plays second fiddle. The forgotten background butter flavor only really came through on the bagel. On the toast? So much non-stop cinnamon action! So little anything else. And the oatmeal raisin cookie? In hindsight, I should’ve cinna-buttered a snickerdoodle instead, for maximum redundancy. I will say this for the cookie, though: it was only the contender to tone down the borderline overwhelming cinnamon assault, and it did so with dazzling oatmeally bravado.

Luckily, I’m a cinnamon fan. Hell, I’m drinking Cinnabon coffee creamer right now. In my coffee. I haven’t broken down and started downing the stuff on its own. Yet. If you’re not a cinnamon fan, well, honestly, why would you buy this in the first place? Just know this stuff is for the hardcore cinnaficionados. You want cinnamon sugar butter spread? You can’t handle this spread!

Taken for what it is, the Land O’Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread is quite tasty, but it’s understandably a bit removed from the homemade version. I guess it all comes down to this: do you prefer your kitchen counters oily or gritty?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Tbsp – 70 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 0 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 2% Vitamin A.)

Item: Land O’Lakes Cinnamon Sugar Butter Spread
Price: $2.79
Size: 6.5 oz
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Bursting with cinnamon. “The more you know” PSAs. Not held together by additive whack jobs. Wireless internet. Pre-sliced frozen pizza. Honey on butter. Gave me an excuse to butter a cookie. Oatmeally bravado. Great on bagels.
Cons: Easy to forget it’s technically a butter product. Honey butter packets of indeterminate age. Rotting potatoes. It’s mostly just canola oil. Might be too extreme for medium-core cinnamon enthusiasts. Reaching for a glass in the cabinet and grabbing butter. Sugar has almost completely bowed out of this marriage of convenience.

REVIEW: Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo

Kayla 17 Comments

If the chipotle pepper was a person, she would be a prostitute who gets around so much that she can’t even keep track of who she’s flavored or what fast food menu she’s been on. I feel a little sorry for her, because you know it’s not her fault. Major food brands have been pimping this once unique senorita that used to be found only at the finest of Mexican restaurants.

Even though she’s been exploited and used in almost every way conceivable, I still find her flavor delicious and I’m happy she’s been exploited even more by ending up in the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo.

I don’t want to sound snobbish, but there was a time when I thought I was too good for mayo, refusing to have it touch my sandwiches. Mayonnaise is as boring as watching an LPGA Tournament (also Tiger-less PGA Tournaments). I guess that’s the reason why it comes in white.

Despite receiving a What Not to Wear-like makeover a few years ago, slimming down from a wide jar, which is the equivalent of horizontal stripes on a fat guy, to a sexy squeeze bottle, I still thought mayo was as dull as watching a chick with a skunk stripe in her hair and a guy who has more argyle than the people of Argyll tell people they have no fashion sense.

But all that changed when I was introduced to the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo, which swept me off of my feet and caused my taste buds to orgasm in unison. I never would have thought a condiment could do that to me, and I never would have considered mayonnaise being the one I’d go all porno with, but this spicy mayo brings out a side of me that could only be found in the seediest of neighborhoods on the internet where malt liquor flows from fountains and Paladins are turning tricks for plate armor.

The Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo has a gentle kick that really enhances the flavor of any cold cut you can slap between two slices of bread, with the exception of the barf-worthy olive loaf or the even creepier macaroni and cheese loaf.

I hate when companies say their meals are “bistro-inspired” or taste as good as a panini from a quaint little café in Tuscany (*cough* Lean Cuisine *cough*), but Kraft did their research on this mayo, because it reminded me of the spread on a chipotle chicken wrap that I used to order at a restaurant in Metro Boston.

Thanks to this spicy mayo, I now have one less reason to visit my old stomping grounds. The only things left to attract me back to Boston are seeing the foliage and visiting those weird people who gave me life and are still supporting my lazy ass.

Kraft has other flavors of mayo in their new Sandwich Shop line. I’ve tried the garlic and herb, but it didn’t do anything for me like the Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo did. What can I say, I love the spicy flavor and sluttiness chipotle brings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 tbsp – 40 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2.5 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Kraft Sandwich Shop Chipotle Mayo
Price: $2.59
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Makes a boring sandwich a “gourmet” sandwich with one little squirt. Doesn’t have that globby mayonnaise appearance. Malt liquor flowing from fountains. Argyle sweaters.
Cons: No fat-free version available yet. Olive loaf. Paladins turning tricks. Macaroni and Cheese loaf. Watching golf.

REVIEW: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter

Kayla 5 Comments

Get ready fair readers, because I’m about to blow your mind.

According to my sources *cough* Facebook *cough*, March is National Peanut Month. After doing some research, I later found out National Peanut Lover’s Day falls on March 15th and National Peanut Butter Lover’s Day is on March 1st, which of course makes sense. However, National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month is in November and National Peanut Butter Day is in January. Shit. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need some epinephrine to deal this clusterfuck of made up holidays.

Almonds, on the other hand, are straightforward, they don’t have an entire month devoted to them, and their day pretty much goes on without any fanfare (it’s February 16th so mark your calendars for next year, and if you’re the worst boyfriend ever, combine it with Valentine’s Day). To me, almonds are a classier, more stuck up nut than the peanut. A kid who uses his jacket’s sleeve as a tissue has the taste bud capabilities of distinguishing what makes peanuts and peanut butter yummy. Almonds, however, are certainly for a more refined crowd. Even by saying the word “almond” you can’t help but picture yourself wearing a monocle and speaking in an accent that is supposed to represent the higher echelon of society who uses the word “echelon” in everyday conversations.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter has a strong taste of almond (go figure), but it wasn’t as chunky as I expected. When it comes to peanut butter, I like it super, duper chunky. Hell, I like my peanut butter so chunky it wouldn’t be able to fit into the clothes in the Husky section of Sears. The Blue Diamond Almond Butter is chunky, and could fit into a pair of Husky-sized Toughskins easily, but that’s unlikely to happen since it wouldn’t be caught dead in clothes from a department store. Instead it would wear Brooks Brothers suits and ties everyday, which would be the reason for peanut butter to pick on almond butter. Despite the constant ridicule from Skippy and the gang, the Blue Diamond Chunky Almond Butter can hold its own on a nice piece of wholegrain toast with some grape jelly.

Although it tastes good, the combination of almond butter and jelly is like seeing a celebrity couple that just doesn’t look right. Kind of like Mo’nique and her skinny, slightly effeminate husband. The public knows that jelly will always be better with peanut butter and I’ve come to terms with that. But almond butter really is good and according to my sources *cough* Oprah’s bowel movement loving buddy, Dr. Oz *cough* almond butter is healthier for you than its plebian cousin. Although I don’t know how healthy it can really be when you combine it with the delectable devil’s spread, Nutella.

The Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter will never be a replacement for my luscious Skippy Super Chunk, but it’s really nice to have in the pantry when you want to switch things up, or if you want to pretend you’re eating more like an adult, and less like a kid who keeps a booger collection in the pockets of his Husky-sized Toughskins.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 tbsp – 190 calories, 17 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 8% calcium, 40% vitamin E, 8% iron and 20% magnesium.)

Item: Blue Diamond Crunchy Almond Butter
Price: $3.69
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great natural almond taste. Healthier than peanut butter. Great way to get Vitamin E. Tastes yummy with grape jelly or Nutella. Celebrating National Almond Day. Monocles.
Cons: Usually more expensive than peanut butter. Not chunky enough. Getting caught using your jacket’s sleeve as a tissue. Dr. Oz talking about poop. Mo’nique coming after you with a frying pan.

REVIEW: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter

Marvo 21 Comments

When I have a child, it’s good to know they will be surrounded by items that will give them the advantages and protections I didn’t have, like Baby Einstein or Baby Genius CDs, parental controlled iPods, helmets, the depreciation of spanking as a form of discipline and Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter.

I want my child to excel, succeed and, perhaps someday, rule over your children with an iron fist. In order to make that happen, my child has to physically and mentally develop into a superior homo sapien and I believe the Omega-3 fatty acids in this new Jif Peanut Butter has the ability to make some of this happen.

Omega-3 has been shown to help with brain function, so if I give my future child/everyone’s future overlord the daily recommended amounts of Omega-3 DHA and EPA, which is 160 milligrams, he/she will have a healthy brain and hopefully become intelligent enough to rule to Earth. And along the way perpetuate the stereotype that Asians are good at math.

The Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter gets its Omega-3 fatty acids from anchovy and sardine oils, both of which are thankfully odorless and tasteless, but still freaks me out they’re in the ingredients list, along with something called tilapia gelatin. Mmm…anchovies, sardines and tilapia, now that’s an ingredients list a baleen whale can love.

A two tablespoon serving contains 32 milligrams of DHA & EPA Omega-3 fatty acids, which is around 20 percent of the daily recommended intake for Omega-3s.

Despite the weird ingredients this product contains, it tastes like peanut butter. It smells very much like regular Jif, but I thought it wasn’t as creamy or as nutty as the normal stuff. When I ate it on a piece of bread, the flavor of the peanut butter wasn’t as strong as regular Jif. But now that I think about it, does it really matter how well it tastes? Because I’m trying to create a being that will be feared by all, not a peanut butter taste tester.

They say choosy moms choose Jif and I say overzealous dads who want to live vicariously through their child’s rise to world domination choose Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter. Of course, my plan won’t work if my child ends up like many kids today and becomes allergic to peanuts.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 Tbsp – 190 calories, 16 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 8 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 4% iron and 20% niacin.)

Item: Jif Omega-3 Creamy Peanut Butter
Price: $3.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A good source of Omega-3 fatty acids. Tastes like peanut butter, despite weird ingredients. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Easier way of getting Omega-3s than eating fish. Being the father of an overlord.
Cons: I thought it wasn’t as creamy or nutty as regular Jif. Packed with calories. Contains weird ingredients, like anchovy and sardine oils and tilapia gelatin. Peanut allergies.